Selling Ourselves Short
Is motherhood really the hardest job in the world?
There’s no doubt that parenting — mothering especially — is hard work. There’s a certain look that moms get that’s difficult to describe … all I know is that in the same way I can spot a heroin addict on the street, I can spot a mom. Caring for children leaves you haggard. (Believe me, I know — the under-eye circles I used to get after too many cocktails are now permanent fixtures on my face.) So I will not argue when someone says that mothering is hard.
But let’s be honest — it’s not the hardest. And as much as I love my daughter, I don’t believe caring for her is the most important thing I’ll ever do either. Yet in my relatively short time as a parent, I’ve heard from dozens of people telling me that what I’m doing is the hardest, most important job in the world. I’m not alone; we’ve all heard this sentiment a hundred times over. Even “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua says parenting was the hardest thing she’s ever done.
Do American moms really believe that diaper changing trumps pediatric oncology? Or that child rearing is harder than being a firefighter or a factory worker?
And if we do believe the hype, if full-time motherhood really is the hardest job in the world, why isn’t it paid? If it’s the most rewarding, then why do so many of us have other people care for our children? And if parenting is the most important job in the world, why on earth aren’t more men lining up to quit their frivolous-by-comparison day jobs in order to work for the world’s most important (and littlest) employers?
Now, this idea — that parenting is the most difficult job in the world — may just be cultural hyperbole, but it’s also a lie that too many of us have bought into. As one mom on Babble commented,
Whenever my guy friends try to tell me that my “job” ain’t so bad I ask them what other job is 24/7, no sick days, no breaks, requires infinite patience, complete self-sacrifice, the acceptance of abuse, complete responsibility for every minute of every day in the life of another, and has no option to quit. Motherhood is tough because we have no idea what we’re getting into until the day we’re locked in for life to a job we must believe is the most rewarding in life.
The last sentence is where the truth comes home to roost: We must believe that parenting is the most rewarding, the hardest, and the most important thing we will ever do. Because if we don’t believe it, then the diaper changing, the mind-numbing Dora watching, the puke cleaning, and the “complete self-sacrifice” that we’re “locked in for life to” is all for nothing. We must believe it because the truth is just too damn depressing.
In her best-selling book, The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World Is Still the Least Valued, Ann Crittenden argued that there was a disconnect between the way motherhood is revered and the way it’s tangibly valued culturally and economically. “All of the lip service to motherhood still floats in the air, as insubstantial as clouds of angel dust,” she wrote. We say motherhood is important, but we sure don’t act that way.
Crittenden believes that if Americans were going to talk the talk, we should walk the walk. Her solution is for society to start valuing motherhood with “across-the-board recognition — in the workplace, in the family, in the law, and in social policy — that someone has to do the necessary work of raising children and sustaining families.” I agree. But Crittenden’s argument stems from the idea that motherhood is just as important as the empty platitudes and Mother’s Day cards would have us believe. To be sure, we need to make life easier (and fairer) for moms by valuing their work domestically, socially, and politically. But we also need a fundamental shift in the way we over-value mothering in women. Because if women continue to believe that the most important thing they can do is raise children — and that their children need to be the center of their universe — then the longer that American women will go unrecognized and undermined in public life, and the more frantic and perfectionist we’ll become in our private and parental lives.
Whether you call them helicopter parents or CEO moms — there’s no doubt that “over-parenting” is everywhere and mothers are leading the way. They’re making their own organic baby food while scheduling piano lessons, ballet class, and French tutors. They’re spending all day online discussing the right kind of baby wrap and whether their DS or DD (dear son or dear daughter) is reading enough, rolling over soon enough, or could be getting any number of colds, flus, or viruses that are going around their neighborhood.
We mock these moms as neurotic overachievers who are obsessed with their kids, but perhaps their zealous parenting is just the understandable outcome of expecting smart, driven women to find satisfaction in spit-up. All of the energy that they could be — and maybe should be — spending in the public sphere is directed at their children because they have no other place to put it. And because so many feel like they’re failing, I find it difficult to accept that this is simply the way women are happiest.
The truth is, we can simultaneously love parenting, find it fulfilling and valuable, while also recognizing that the minutiae of our mothering isn’t as critical as society would have us believe. We can love our children without believing the world revolves around them. We can derive pleasure from caretaking without thinking it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do or the biggest contribution we’ll make to society. And we can be exhausted, overworked moms while still recognizing that there are plenty of other jobs that are harder, and yes, even more important. Because when we see parenting for what it is — a relationship, not a job — we can free ourselves from the expectations and the stifling standards that motherhood-as- employment demands.
To find out why Jessica Valenti doesn’t consider her daughter her job, check out this interview with Meagan Francis!
Adapted from the book, Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti (New Harvest, 2012), with permission of the author.
Want to WIN an Amazon Kindle Fire? Tell us in the comments below:
Do you think motherhood is the most important job in the world?
The comment with the most Facebook “likes” will win an Amazon Kindle Fire with a digital copy of Why Have Kids? preloaded. The two runner-ups with the second and third most “liked” comments will each receive a hard copy of Why Have Kids?. The last day to post your comment for your chance to win will be Wednesday, September 12, at 5pm EST. The number of FB “likes” will be tallied at 6 p.m. EST. on Wednesday, September 12. The winners will be contacted via email and will have 5 days to respond before forfeiting their prize to the next most “liked” comment.
This giveaway has ended — stay tuned for the winners!
Babble received a copy of Why Have Kids? from Fanscape to review and giveaway.
Another post by a woman bashing full time mothers on a site that probably make its money from the large number of mothers that they reach. So, sad! Shame on you Babble. I would expect something like this from other media outlets, but WOW is all I can say. If you are a full time mom you are a HERO. Don’t let this feminist agenda fool you. In 20 years your kids could care less what kind of career or hobby you had. If you can manage being a mom and working full time more power to you, but what’s with tearing down all the moms that put those things aside for now ( or for ever) to raise kids! I feel so sad for women that feel a need to justify their choice to work by bashing the ones that stay home.
And everyone with children out of diapers is now cracking up. Sure, parenting is super easy when you’ve only been doing it for a second and your child is utterly typical in every way.
“And if parenting is the most important job in the world, why on earth aren’t more men lining up to quit their frivolous-by-comparison day jobs in order to work for the world’s most important (and littlest) employers?”
So, let me make sure I understand…something has importance and value only if a man thinks it has importance and value. I get it now. I was using my female brain to make my own judgments about whether a job was worthwhile or difficult. Now I know I should always defer to a man’s opinion because it matters more.
I respect your opinion, as everyone is entitled to there own. With that said, I really don’t agree with you at all. And the older my kids get, the harder and more demanding the days become. I don’t feel like that is a bad thing – because for me, it is the most rewarding job in the world.
I do other rewarding things to – but at the end of the day when I feel like I did a good job with my kids – I feel really proud.
Patty Gatter, Owner
http://www.HarperGraceBoutiques.com
I love that mom’s quote about no sick days, no breaks, and complete responsibility! One thing that’s overlooked for stay at home moms is relying on a spouse/partner for income. We don’t get a bonus for cleaning up a blow out, or a raise for tackling the car pool schedule.
Excellent piece Jessica Valenti! I think that some of the previous comments may have missed the point of this piece. At no point does Jessica Valenti degenerate being a mother but is only pointing out that we (society) may need to start framing our concept of motherhood differently. Instead of considering it a “job” focus on motherhood the relationship – Is it important? Absolutely. Is the parent/child relationship THE most important relationship you will ever have? Quite possibly (some partners/spouses may be a bit miffed about that). Is it time consuming? Yup. Is it hard? Oh yes. Is it a “job”? Only if you are willing to argue that all other relationships are jobs. Is being a wife/husband a job? A friend? Is being an adult child to adult parents a job? Is being a teenager a job? So, why have we made motherhood (not even parenthood – I notice the daddies are left out here) a “job”? I would argue that the relationships parents (or aunts, uncles, grandparents, foster parents, etc.) have with their children is essential. Healthy families, no matter what their configuration (single parent, divorced, wife/wife, husband/husband) are essential not only for individuals but for society as a whole. And yet it is this relationship that society is failing to recognize as worthy (ex. maternity and paternity leave in the US). So yes, let us stop considering “motherhood as employment” since it serves only to pigeonhole women (and fails to recognize all the other parents out there) at a time when women and society should be continuing to break molds. Instead let us reframe the argument – start forcing society to recognize, and do more to support, those essential, familial relationships that will (hopefully) result in happy, productive future adults.
In my opinion, the thing that makes motherhood the most important and difficult job is that you’re not doing one job, with a set job description and you’re not suddenly “just” a mother. I’m an (older) first time mom to a child with special needs. Although I did not expect motherhood to be easy, I certainly did not expect that upon her arrival, I would also suddenly be expected to carry advanced degrees in genetics, neonatal medicine (with sub-specialties in cardiology, pulmonology and neurology) and insurance laws.
Is being a mother more important than being a pediatric oncologist? If you’re the mother a child that needs a pediatric oncologist, then yes, it is. The oncologist isn’t making the decision, you are. The oncologist gets the information, tries to explain it to you and then asks YOU to make the decision about treatment. This isn’t Pampers vs. Luvs. This is your child’s life.
The reason being a mother is the hardest job (for me) is that I can’t just clock-out and call it a day like I can when I leave my full-time job. I can turn that off but when it comes to mothering, there’s no turning it off. There’s always the need to learn more, to know more, to do more. There’s the never-ending second guessing decisions already made and contemplating decisions yet to be made. If I slack off at work, I get reprimanded or fired and then replaced. If I slack off as a mother, my child misses an opportunity or suffers or gets sick.
I don’t choose to be an over-achiever; there’s no choice. My child’s life literally depends on my ability to make the right choices and that’s pretty freakin’ hard.
I am so glad you wrote this. Yes, there are different trials at every age and stage, including every age and stage of the mother. Yes, you feel guilty for every decision you make either way (breastfeeding, working, getting help of a babysitter, more kids, where you live, schools). Moms especially think that if they spend 24/7 with their kid, they are somehow a better mother, but I think that just leaves an unhappy, unfulfilled mom who goes on rants online. I love my kids, but I know that sometimes what is best for them is to know that the world is a safe, friendly place to be, to learn how to make friends, and to learn how to respond to other means of authority besides myself. I completely agree that moms have to think their jobs are the hardest in order for them to survive. If you thought it was easy, and you got negative feedback (kid is upset, not sleeping, fussy, unhappy, not thriving in school, etc), then you would blame yourself for failing. And we do. But I would like to find some bloggers who like to say that it is okay to admit that they get enough sleep at night, to look fantastic during the day, feel fulfilled by helping someone other than their kid, they go out with friends without their kid, and love their husband for reasons other than their precious mini-hub. That’s how I feel as a mom, and why we CHOSE to have another child. Moms look totally different from each other these days, so why should we judge how they feel about being a mother?
Just read Kimberly Hasbrouck Cox comment above. She explains it PERFECTLY! Congrats on the birth of your baby! They are such miracles! But I do have to agree, babies are pretty dang easy. The older my son gets, the less judgmental I have become! We are all doing the best we can. There is no need for unnecessary mommy wars. I am so grateful I get to be home with my kids. It’s not always easy, but it is awesome!
This is a very interesting article. To say being a mother isn’t the most important is risky because raising your children right must be the most important in order for society to improve. Things certainly seem to have gone downhill since mothers have been a stronger presence in the workforce. I do see that many points are valid, however, I would still tend to agree that involved parenting is the most important job. Semantics aside.
I pretty much disagree with everything you say.
Motherhood (and fatherhood) *is* the most important thing you will ever do. The choices you make in raising your children will live on in them, their children, and all the people they come across in their lives. Any contributions you make in the public sphere will be quickly forgotten by the vast majority. Look at what’s lasting, and look at what’s not.
How can we really support women and mothers if we’re saying, “Well, you know, what you’re doing isn’t a REAL job. And it’s not really that important. You happen to be a mother. But you should derive your identity from your career and activities, not motherhood and your relationships.” How empty and lame is that? I’d love to be defined by how I treat others and the quality of person that I am, which is largely from my relationships. “What I do” beyond that (I’m a blogger) is a part of me. But it doesn’t define who I am. You’re suggesting the opposite ought to be true, and I will never agree.
Maybe we ought not to be mocking mothers who DO find parenting fulfilling in and of itself and have no desire to work outside the home. I don’t. I am with my children almost all the time. Not because I care one bit about what others think about me or my choice, but because I want to be. It’s not a popularity contest. I also don’t make any other choices — what to feed my children, how to carry them around, etc. — based on what’s popular or trendy or what other moms are doing. You’ve reduced motherhood to nothing more than a high school social club, where moms make critical decisions for their children and their future based on what’s “cool” at the moment. Is that how little you think of mothers? That’s extremely sad.
My husband DOES think that raising children/being with family is more important than his job. He specifically works hours that let him be home much more than an average man. And he is hoping that we can start a family business that will allow him to stay home so that we can BOTH be here for our children. So yes, we both — man and woman! — value family over the workplace.
Career is fleeting. Family is forever. What are you going to say when you’re 80 — “I wish I’d worked more and advanced further up the corporate ladder?” — or “I wish I’d spent more time with my daughter?” Hmm? Your priorities are so messed up, I just don’t even know where to start.
Well, sounds to me like maybe your child came out just right and you dont understand the struggles that parents of atypical children go through on a daily basis. Honestly this article is self centered. Not taking into consideration that everyone may not have it just as easy as you do, try taking into consideration what it maybe like to have a child that will have say maybe the mentality of 7 year old their whole life, that is delayed in every way and may not potty train several year behind their peers and then you can tell me that you fully considered that that may not be the hardest job. You dont get to pick out that perfect kid at the gift store. All children do have their issues, but some have it much worse and coodos to those moms that the most important thing they will ever do is raise their child because they might have more balls than us if we where stuck in the same situation and not check out. The moms that have it bad and stick it out anyway are my biggest hero because it is the hardest job theydo
Yes, being a mom is hard. Unfortunately, it’s even harder for some moms than others due to one issue or another. I think where the disconnect occurs is how each mom looks at the responsibility. To some, it is the hardest and most important job they will ever have, to others it’s not. Sometimes those feelings change throughout the course of one childhood. I know how important being a mother is to me, but that doesn’t mean I expect everyone else to see it that way. My responsibility is to my kids, not everyone else. I don’t need anyone to declare my job the hardest or most important for me to feel validated. I think just being respectful of moms and how they each choose to do it would suffice.
How can nurturing and raising a brand new, vulnerable, innocent human being not be the most important job in the world? How do you think the pediatric oncologist successfully made it to adulthood if she/he wasn’t raised by an (or some) dedicated, amazing parent/s? I totally agree that there is an anomaly between the importance of motherhood and the way it’s valued in our society however, that just means that our society has got it horribly wrong, not that the role is not the most important. Why do you think we are in such a mess – morally, economically and environmentally? It’s because society doesn’t see the importance of mothers being at home with their babies and children. The govt’s happy to pay anyone to look after their children, except their mothers. We’ve managed to raise a couple of generations of disconnected, damaged, dulled children who are displaying a lack of respect for other people and our environment. Parenting – Yes, it’s hard and yes, it’s repetitive and some of its mundane. It’s hard because we’ve created these isolated nuclear family units with little or no support from extended family or friends. Where’s our village gone? Where are the other women to guide and support each other? Where are the other children to play with and teach / learn from each other? No wonder we feel stressed and unfulfilled – we’re lonely and we operate with little or no backup. I find it hard to believe that anyone who has experienced raising their own child could write an article such as this. My only guess is that you were unable to connect with your own power as a mother and to make the journey to become a more fully realized human being – a journey only made possible through becoming a parent.
All the people trashing this article because they assess the author is “unloving” or “detached” – maybe I’m glad you are stay at home parents, because your lack of reading comprehension might preclude you from paid work outside the home. For those of you making those comments while simultaneously preening about homeschooling your children, I hope you teach them to read something at least once, all the way through, before jumping to conclusions about the author’s purpose. Her point isn’t that parenting isn’t involved or difficult, she states several times that it is. But obviously there are other jobs that are probably more challenging. We say it’s the “hardest job” to give some kind of dignity to work that is unpaid, undervalued, and yet quite necessary if we as a species are to go on existing. It is the psychic salve that covers over the pain of constant self-sacrifice for little people who don’t really come to appreciate what you’ve done for them until they’re in the same boat (hopefully) several decades later. Keep it in perspective. There are people who had atrocious parents and went on to be exceptional, just as there have been terrible people who came from loving, involved parents. But whatever – flame away if you feel you need to justify your choices to strangers with the audacity to speculate that someone who, I don’t know, ensures nuclear power plants are earthquake- resiliant might have a more important and difficult job than schlepping kids to soccer practice and re-heating food.
It most certainly one of the toughest jobs in the world. For starters, you are never “off”. On call 24/7. No sick days, vacations… Nothing. I love my job with a passion. Raising my sons and standing back every so often listening to what my 2 year old son has to say and hearing his imagination run while makes all the sleepless nights worth it. My 4 month old son and his gummy smiles makes my uniboob (he prefers Shirley over Lerverne.. left over right). Such a tough job but worth it. To me
Here’s what’s hardest – accidentally missing the meeting with a group of specialists that was booked for 3 months to discuss your kid’s needs, watching your kid having an impossible time making friends at the park, deciding how and when to put your child on A.D.D. meds, staying in an unhappy relationship out of fear the alternative will break your childrens’ hearts, trying unsuccessfully not to transfer your own life-long body image issues onto your children, standing aside to let them fall and pick themselves up and fall again. The issue isn’t whether or not it’s a job, or a calling, or an accident, but what the nature of hard is. There’s all sorts of unexpected hard that comes our way – illness, loss, debt. But it’s what is expected that makes it hardest –guilt, heartbreak, regret, failure, love. And then there’s the weird and wonderful fact that hardest sits so comfortably alongside hilarious, fulfilling, pain-in-the-ass, relentless, boring, awe-inspiring, impossible, overwhelming and silly.
Being a parent is challenging and exhausting and the stakes are high because you have an obligation to society to turn your child into a responsible independent adult (and you don’t the child and society suffers). But let’s keep perspective. Being a coal miner, or a deep sea fisherman, or a worker on an oil rig, or a farmer in a developing country or a soldier in a war zone are all harder than being a mother in the US in 2012.
Seriously, I almost bought into this article and questioned my awesome parenting…until I noticed that the writer only has one child who is a toddler. Clearly you are not the one who needs to be writing this article. Just wait until you have a teen and realize how much good parenting has an impact on how your child responds to you and the world around them. And, how much not being there affects their future relationships. Women who are concerned, not obsessed as written, with properly raising their children to become productive citizens deserve to be honored, not ridiculed or coined as unhappy frazzled housewives. Multitasking is a difficult skill and required to be hired for any reputable position. Some women have it together and some women don’t. Some women are good with kids and some women are better off allowing a child care provider to raise their kids. The ones who know where they are best and go there are also worthy of a medal because neither decision is an easy one. It’s the person who is in denial and throws harsh ugly words around to degrade others because they are insecure about their position and capabilities at home or on the job starting an issue that sets us back years. Be thankful you have even have that choice now, most moms don’t. Stop creating unnecessary and unproductive battles against your own kind. It have three kids, 12, 7 and 7 months. My husband is currently deployed so I am doing this on my own and had no choice but to leave my career to properly care for my kids. I look far from haggard. I even have managed to lose the baby weight from my #3 and we are all very healthy, happy with time for fun, athletic activities, social times, I do a little freelancing on the side to keep my brain functioning and I do it all without popping an antidepressant. It’s who you are, every individual is different, don’t cast out the weak ones and allow it to represent the majority. The answer to the question is the hardest job out there–well that depends on who you are, how you function and manage your life.
bravo