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My NCAA Tournament Bracket Should Have Had Vasectomy in the Sweet 16

If I had any brains at all, I'd have scheduled a vasectomy for today.

It’s one of those deals that makes so much sense that I can’t believe I didn’t think of it. I mean seriously, when I was in corporate America, I always blew off work to watch the first two days of March Madness. Given that the weekend coincides with the second round, that meant that I could keep up with virtually every single game from the opening tip to the sweet 16.

And when you’re a big-time basketball junkie like yours truly, that’s not something to snub your nose at. But with all these kids running around, keeping abreast of the tourney isn’t as easy as calling in sick anymore. If I truly wanted to watch the first weekend of the NCAA tourney, I would have needed to pull out the big guns. Which is exactly what men far smarter than me all around the country are doing.

At least that’s what I learned from an article on nwi.com the other day, the first paragraph of which told me all I needed to know.

“The advertising campaign from Lakeshore Urology is simple: two basketballs placed close together to resemble, well you can figure it out.”

You see, it turns out that men’s vasectomies and March Madness are, um, two peas in a pod. Or so says Dr. Adam Perlmutte of Lakeshore Urology in Valparaiso, In. “It’s pretty much one of the biggest times of the year.” While the good doctor says he may average one such procedure on a normal office day, he can expect to do 10 per day on the first Thursday and Friday of the NCAA tournament.

And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen, but the first two words that came to my mind when I read this were “Duh. Winning.”

It’s so obvious. I’m about to get a vasectomy. And I should have done it NOW. So that I could have at least milked a day or two of non-interupted TV out of the deal. TV that would have projected images of my favorite sporting event of the year.

But I’m not smart enough to have thought of it. So I’ll be like the rest of the non-vasectomry-enduring world and constantly hit refresh on my Blackberry, pause by the TV for an extra second on my way out from lunch and sneak by sportsline.com every fifteen minutes to see how my selections are doing.

This year I’ve got Duke, Ohio State, Pitt and Notre Dame in the Final Four. And while I like those picks, I really wish that I had ridden Vasectomy U at least into the sweet 16. Because if had, I’d have the best seat in the house right now.

On my couch. Atop a bag of frozen peas, of course.

]If only Caroline wasn’t due until bowl season…

Image: stock.xchng

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