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National Signing Day 2011: Football's Grand Finale

By John Cave Osborne |

I hope our current players don't haze this year's recruit.

It’s the day I’ve been waiting for all winter — no, not Groundhog Day — National Signing Day 2011. You know, the day when all the big-time football recruits formally commit to the NCAA institution of their choice?

A few years ago, my wife and I signed a record number of recruits. At least for us, anyway. And although this year’s class is kinda small, in many ways, it will ultimately define our program. Namely because it’s the last one that will ever be recruited.

Well, that’s not completely accurate. See, we didn’t actually recruit this one. He (or she) just kinda announced he was coming without so much as even taking an official visit. But let’s not split hairs. You get the point. It’s our last class ever. Of that we’re certain.

So certain that we’ve already given this player a nickname: Grand Finale.

So certain, that I’ll promise you this: The second Grand Finale sets foot on campus? I’ll be sitting on a bag of frozen peas within 36 hours of that moment. At max.

After all, we’re a bit old to be coaching our existing team. No time to be adding anymore players. Besides, now that we’ll have five, we’re running out of positions for future recruits to play.

Which brings me to a daunting question. What position will this recruit play?

Our four current players are defensive linemen. Or so I assume by how hard they rush my wife (who is obviously our quarterback). Especially the three younger ones. Yet to see them eat, you’d swear they were offensive. Because, well, they’ve got super-gross manners. Which offends me, at least.

Given how hectic our household already is, I’m sure we’ll be going to even extra measures as far as precautions go. After all, we don’t want anything to happen to Grand Finale. Maybe that means our little guy will be a safety. Time will tell, I suppose.

He’ll be on campus this July. And though our game plan will be more complicated than ever, we wouldn’t change a thing. Except maybe to find time to wash our dog. Given everything we’ve got going on, his needs are largely ignored at the current time, so he’s usually pretty dirty. Which has our quarterback calling a trick play.

The flea flicker.

Image: family photo from last summer.

John Cave Osborne’s personal blog.
John Cave Osborne’s book website.

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About John Cave Osborne


John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months after marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, they have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. Read bio and latest posts → Read John's latest posts →

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0 thoughts on “National Signing Day 2011: Football's Grand Finale

  1. Danielle says:

    You are a hilarious writer. I’m so glad they tagged you for the pregnancy column, they need some fresh air around there (and everywhere really).

    1. John Cave Osborne says:

      @Danielle — what an incredibly nice thing to say. it’s barely 7 in the morning and you’ve already made my day. thank you so much. i’m glad you enjoyed this.

  2. Manjari says:

    Love this post, and your kids are adorable.

    1. John Cave Osborne says:

      @Manjari — you are always so kind in your comments. Even when you totally disagree with whatever dribble I’ve come up with. Thank you so much for that, Manjari! I bet your twins are adorable!

  3. Voice of Reason says:

    Your children are just so beautiful and this post is hiliarious – the frozen peas reference killed me. I don’t know anything about football, but clicked on the link when I saw your name because I knew it would be worth reading.

    1. John Cave Osborne says:

      @Voice of Reason — sorry for the delay in responding, but i just wanted you to know that was one of the nicest comments i’ve ever received. thank you so much for it. if my kids are, indeed, beautiful, we have my wife to thank…

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