Many of us got turned upside down when we learned the shocking astrological news that has a nation of horoscope readers scratching their heads. And I’m none too pleased about it. Turns out all these years, I’ve been living a lie. But boy did I buy into the whole Sagittarius deal. Hard to blame me. After all, I had all the traits. But now I’ve come to find out that I’m not actually a Sagittarius. Which means that all those years I thought I was free spirited? Turns out I was just super irresponsible. That 3-day Vegas bender during the 1997 NCAA tourney? It wasn’t because I possessed an innate sense of adventure, but rather a garden-variety penchant for booze and gambling.
But here’s the worst thing. When I recently decided to sell the successful small business I had co-owned for nearly a decade in part to pursue a career as a writer? I thought it was because I, as a Sagittarius, knew that anything was possible. Because I was a dreamer and a risk taker. Because I was one who was more than capable of making his dreams come true.
Turns out it’s because I’m a lame father.
After all, what kind of fool would leave such stability, unless he actually were a Sagittarius, who, according to the Universal Psychic Guild “are adept at seeking out their very own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.” My decision? It had nothing to do with a romantic pot of gold I was seeking. Instead, it was probably nothing more than an early mid-life crisis, for crying out loud.
If I only had known, I would have done things so differently. Sierra’s the one who tipped me off. She first wrote about the new zodiac sign dates earlier today:
The zodiac problems are due to long-overlooked subtle shifts in planetary orbits and other things in space. I can’t pretend to know all about it. Happily, Paul Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society has this one covered. Here’s his corrected zodiac dates, in all their original Babylonian glory.
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.
* Discarded by the Babylonians because they wanted 12 signs per year.
I have great empathy for anyone who has suddenly found themselves to be a different zodiac sign than the one they always believed themselves to be. However, it’s nothing compared to what I’m going through. Not only am I not the sign that seemed to fit me like a glove, I’m actually a sign that before today never even existed. At least I’d never heard of it. Ophiuchus. I don’t know even the very first thing about the sign. Including how to pronounce it.
So in a nutshell, some sloppy astrological bookkeeping and the Babylonians’ decision to blow off a 13th sign has suddenly left me holding the bag that contains a full-blown identity crisis.
At least I’m not the only one in my family who’s affected. In fact, it’s impacted all of us. The triplets go from Libra to Virgo, and both my oldest daughter and my wife go from Leo to Cancer. But still, at least they’re getting shifted to an existing sign. At least they can read up on the traits they’re supposed to have so they can make the necessary tweaks. And at least every single one of them has someone else in our family who share their plight.
So this new astrological world shouldn’t be that scary for them.
Oh. Except for the fact that they’re either married to or being raised by a man who no longer has even the slightest clue as to who he really is.