I Have a New Zodiac Sign - And I'm Not Happy About It

new zodiac sign
New zodiac sign? I don't think so!

Like John, I just found out that according to the new zodiac sign dates offered up today by the Minnesota Planetarium Society, I am no longer a Saggitarius.  Unlike John, though, I’m not an Ophiuchus – aka “a man wrestling a serpent, dividing the snake’s body in two parts,” as described by TIME magazine.  According to the new astrological chart, I’m a Scorpio.  That means instead of being a truth-seeker above all else, I’m a total horndog.

Scorpios are described as loyal (check), passionate (check), resourceful (eh), observant (sure), dynamic (you betcha). But they’re also known to be jealous (who me? no way!), obsessive (okay maybe a little), suspicious (do you mean paranoid? I smoked a lot of pot one summer while I was in college), manipulative (never!) and unyielding (well… I prefer righteous). On the other hand, Sags are known as “excellent friends because of their encouraging, positive nature and their kind heart.” That’s the truth – just ask John. He and I are excellent friends! Sags “do not expect favors in return, their kindness is selfless.” Exactly. (Although I do always appreciate gas money.) We “do not interfere with other people’s plans” and “are never possessive or jealous.”  See?!  I told you!

I believe wholly with my optimistic and freedom-loving heart that I am a Saggitarius.  And the people at The Washington Post agree that I’m under no obligation to stop reading the astrological advice meant for us archers.  They quote Parke Kunkle, the board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society who announced the date switches and new sign, as saying, “I can tell you what the science is, but I’m not going to tell you what your personality is based on the location of things.”

The Post‘s Melissa Bell writes, “If you’re going to believe that all the people born on your birthday are imbued with certain traits similar to your own in some mystical, ancient manner, you might as well believe it does not matter where the stars are in the sky to begin with.”  Amen to that!  I don’t plan to switch my horse legs for claws anytime soon.