I’d like to thank the Academy. Or, more accurately, I’d like to thank my family. For leaving me along on Sunday night while I watch others thank the Academy. Or, more accurately, for leaving me alone starting at around noon on Sunday while I watch the mindless but nevertheless mesmerizing pre-show coverage on the E! channel about everything and nothing possibly related to the Academy, including and particularly the magical effects of double stick tape.
I don’t think I ask for much 364 days out of the year. The occasional movie in an actual theater. Maybe a night out every few months to catch up with some girlfriends. A glass of red wine on a table that no one will knock down. A dinner every once in a blue moon in which I don’t have to be the one to get up after each bite to fulfill my 2-year-old’s every whim and fancy. The ability to not be the one to get up in the morning with the aforementioned 2-year-old — ever — since I know we will spend the next 13 hours glued to each other’s sides anyway.
And on the 365th day, I ask for some peace and quiet so I can watch my Us magazine subscription and Perez Hilton addiction come to life on the red carpet and in the Kodak Theatre. I need to know what everyone is wearing, how they starved themselves to squeeze into their gowns, why they’re so much cooler than TV stars, and how they’re seemingly not as interested in being celebrities as they are waving to the fans in the bleachers, and how they probably practiced that spiel about the fans in front of their bathroom mirrors.
I want it all, and I want it all by myself. I don’t want to have to explain to anyone who starred in which movie, what each movie was about, why I cry during the opening montage (often with embarrassment for the host[s]) and why they changed the Best Picture category to 10 films (other than because whoever decided that was stupid).
And I certainly don’t want to be disturbed to apply a bath to a dirty child, look for a lost Barney doll or be the tooth brush police. Those are duties I’ll undertake any day but Oscar Sunday.
Will you watch the Oscars with your family on Sunday?