Our children think it’s funny when they keep secrets from us, such as where our car keys might be located or which sibling actually decided to finger paint the white walls in the kitchen. However, they don’t know that we have secrets of our own. Even if you fess up to where you hid the TV remote, we’re not telling you what we’re hiding!
Here are ten secrets that moms keep from their kids:
1. We eat junk food when you’re not looking
We shared our bodies with you and handed over any chances we had of getting a good night’s sleep. We can’t go to the bathroom without you banging on the door, and our houses have become one big playroom. You have also taken over the TV with really lame cartoons. We are tired of sharing, which is why we don’t tell you about the chocolate cookies in our closet. No, you can’t have any. Eat your veggies.
2. Daddy didn’t fall asleep on the couch last night by accident
Sometimes, when people are very tired and have hardly any time alone, they fight about silly things, like where their shoes belong or why they used the last of the toilet paper. They usually feel better in the morning, but only when one of them spends an uncomfortable night on the couch. (That someone is your father.)
3. We throw away your preschool projects
Yes, that boat you drew is beautiful and so is the house with the sun. And so is the caterpillar, and the telescope, and the necklace made of clothes pins. But we are drowning in toys and junk mail, and it’s just not possible to keep every single project you make. So when you ask me why your project is in the trash and I gasp and say it’s a huge mistake? I’m lying.
4. Getting you from the womb to our arms is a painful experience
We hope you won’t ask the question of how babies get out of our bodies. If you assume from any number of fairytales that a baby simply pops out of a person’s belly button or a stork brings him, we probably won’t tell you otherwise. If you want to know the truth, though, let’s just say it really, really hurts mommy, and if you saw how it happened, you’d do everything she says for the rest of your life.
5. We love you more when you’re sleeping
You are never so cute and irresistible as when you are sleeping quietly, tucked tightly in your bed, all questions and whining from the day behind us. So go to sleep. Now! It’s good for you.
6. We don’t really have eyes in the backs of our heads
How did we know you stole that toy from your sister? Because she’s screaming. No, we didn’t actually see you sneak into the kitchen to grab a cookie, but the crumbs on your lips are a dead giveaway. The reason we know what you did is because we’re smart, and we probably tried to pull the same stunts when we were your age. We didn’t get away with them either. But come closer … and let me tell you all about our secret laser beams …
7. You can eat grilled cheese every night and still grow
Despite what we’ve told you, you will probably grow even if you don’t drink your milk and eat your vegetables, as long as you’re eating something in the realm of nutrition. Still, vegetables are good for you. Put them in your mouth when you see them so that our dinnertime can be more peaceful, okay? Plus, other parents will judge us if you eat whatever you want all the time.
8. We spell things we don’t want you to know
No, that’s not another language we’re speaking, nor are we just stringing random letters together. You seem to hear everything we say, so we have to talk in code about how soon we can put you to bed, or whether to plan a trip to the park, or if we should feed you chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row. And when you learn to spell, we’re in real trouble.
9. We don’t know what’s supposed to happen when we count to “three”
We’re just as nervous as you are about what happens after “two.” It takes a lot of mental energy to invent threatening scenarios, so just do what we say before we hit that magic number.
10. Things really do happen when you go to bed
We have a big ol’ party downstairs. We drink, we watch tons of TV, we go outside, we eat all the food we hid in the cabinets. It’s great.