10 Things Kids Don’t Know Parents Are Hiding
10 things kids dont know their parents are hiding
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We eat junk food when you’re not looking
We shared our bodies with you and handed over any chances we had of getting a good night’s sleep. We can’t go to the bathroom without you banging on the door, and our houses have become one big playroom. You have also taken over the TV with really lame cartoons. We are tired of sharing, which is why we don’t tell you about the chocolate cookies in our closet. No, you can’t have any. Eat your veggies.
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Daddy didn't fall asleep on the couch last night by accident
Sometimes, when people are very tired and have hardly any time alone, they fight about silly things, like where their shoes belong or why they used the last of the toilet paper. They usually feel better in the morning, but only when one of them spends an uncomfortable night on the couch. (That someone is your father.) -
We throw away your preschool projects
Yes, that boat you drew is beautiful and so is the house with the sun. And so is the caterpillar, and the telescope, and the necklace made of clothes pins. But we are drowning in toys and junk mail, and it’s just not possible to keep every single project you make. So when you ask me why your project is in the trash and I gasp and say it’s a huge mistake? I’m lying. -
Getting you from the womb to our arms is a painful experience
We hope you won’t ask the question of how babies get out of our bodies. If you assume from any number of fairytales that a baby simply pops out of a person’s belly button or a stork brings him, we probably won’t tell you otherwise. If you want to know the truth, though, let’s just say it really, really hurts mommy, and if you saw how it happened, you’d do everything she says for the rest of your life. -
We love you more when you’re sleeping
You are never so cute and irresistible as when you are sleeping quietly, tucked tightly in your bed, all questions and whining from the day behind us. So go to sleep. Now! It’s good for you. -
We don't really have eyes in the backs of our heads
How did we know you stole that toy from your sister? Because she's screaming. No, we didn't actually see you sneak into the kitchen to grab a cookie, but the crumbs on your lips are a dead giveaway. The reason we know what you did is because we're smart, and we probably tried to pull the same stunts when we were your age. We didn't get away with them either. But come closer … and let me tell you all about our secret laser beams ...
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You can eat grilled cheese every night and still grow
Despite what we’ve told you, you will probably grow even if you don’t drink your milk and eat your vegetables, as long as you’re eating something in the realm of nutrition. Still, vegetables are good for you. Put them in your mouth when you see them so that our dinnertime can be more peaceful, okay? Plus, other parents will judge us if you eat whatever you want all the time. -
We spell things we don't want you to know
No, that's not another language we're speaking, nor are we just stringing random letters together. You seem to hear everything we say, so we have to talk in code about how soon we can put you to bed, or whether to plan a trip to the park, or if we should feed you chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row. And when you learn to spell, we're in real trouble.
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We don’t know what’s supposed to happen when we count to “three”
We’re just as nervous as you are about what happens after “two.” It takes a lot of mental energy to invent threatening scenarios, so just do what we say before we hit that magic number.
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Things really do happen when you go to bed
We have a big ol’ party downstairs. We drink, we watch tons of TV, we go outside, we eat all the food we hid in the cabinets. It’s great.
I always wondered what came after three but was too frightened to find out.
Ah yes – the hidden food. My sneak is the box of Lucky Charms hidden on the top shelf of the pantry. Once I got busted though and had to move my hiding spot.
Jana,
I’m so glad to see you on here. These are hilarious. I loved them all. Each one. Equally. Just like I do my children.
I have to eat my morning Luna bar in secret. I guess it looks like chocolate? Yesterday, my son asked, “Can I have the last bite?” NO!
I’m glad I’m not the only mom with hidden food. Dear Kid, when I put on a cartoon for you and go to the bathroom half the time it’s with a handfull of oreos.
I’m disappointed that there’s nothing about booze, pot smoking or porn in this story.
Dear Anarchist Mama,
That’s probably because I drink my wine in front of my kid. No shame!
this is cute! lol and so true
Hilarious and all very true!
so funnny,,kids are too smart
i sneak mallomars in the bathroom while she isdoing homework , lol
I thought I was the only one that didn’t know what should happen if I ever get to 3! Hysterical.
i used to hide candy bars in my tampon boxes. i have all boys and they never looked in there.
“this drink? Oh it’s yucky! It’s mommy medicine!” as I sip a margarita!
I loved this!! Especially, “I’m tired sharing, no you can’t have my cookies”. My children seem to think food tastes better if I’m eating it first and I seldom get to finish anything I’m eating.
I’d add-when we go out and we say, it’ll be really boring, you wouldn’t like it- we’re totally lying- it’s great to go out.
I love the “We spell things we don`t want you to know” For us, here in Norway, we talk english when we don`t want them to know. But it only works up unitil age 8. They learn english in first grade.
i cannot use the bathroom without my daughter banging on the door everytime “mommy open” never fails annoying but cute
Reading this article was an excellent form of birth control. Parents seem like they want other people to sprog with them and feel their pain but we never will when you keep making parenthood out to look like this nightmare of whining and no peace.
After the kids are asleep- yeah, the folks get jiggy with it…. It’s all good. And, if the kids wake up don’t bother knocking if you hear things rock’n
After the kids are asleep- yeah, the folks get jiggy with it…. It’s all good. And, if the kids wake up don’t bother knocking if you hear things rock’n