Temper, Temper: How can I keep from losing it around my kids?
How can I keep from losing it around my kids?
I always thought I was a patient person, until I became a mom. I’m a good mom, and my kids know they are loved, but lately I’ve been feeling terrible about losing my temper with my five-year-old and three-year-old. They are just being kids in developmentally appropriate ways, but there always seems to be a point that I just lose it. Now I see my son losing his temper, and sounding frighteningly like me. I understand the idea that if I model respect, there will be more mutual respect, but as hard as I work at it, I still feel like I’m not making the gains I’d like to see. I WANT to act instead of react to situations, but it is super hard for me (I’m a passionate Italian!). Recently I bought a book called Scream-Free Parenting, which has been helpful, but I want so badly to guide my children differently. I feel like a good mom in a lot of ways, but it seems like I’m alone with my temper. When I talk to other moms they listen, but never talk about losing their patience. This leaves me feeling like a worse mom because other moms seem to be calm all the time. What can I do to break this cycle and teach myself, and my children to react calmly? – Impatient
Dear Impatient,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! See, we’re screaming ourselves. Life with little kids is frustrating. Sisyphus would probably count his blessings if he saw the daily (hourly) struggles: Getting the kids into coats. Or into bed. Or into their chairs for dinner. Or stopping them from pummeling each other over mutually desired toys. Over. And. Over. Again. And maybe that Job guy could take it quietly, but we don’t know too many parents who don’t boil over sometimes. [Ed. note: Here’s a Bad Parent column by a mother in a similar situation.
Whether they admit it is something else. Losing it with kids is not something people are particularly proud of, so parents might conveniently forget or omit lapses in parental decorum. Also, people have different thresholds and expectations. To someone aiming for a truly “scream free” household, sharp words at the end of a long day might be crossing the line. To others, a swift, hard tone is so normal it doesn’t fall into the category of “losing your temper.” We definitely know a lot of mothers of kids this age who talk about this very issue all the time. And we wish you could talk to some of them to get some reassurance. All this is to say, in an inside voice this time: you’re not the only one.
So, the first step is to give yourself a break. Accept that you’re a person and that anger is a normal, if undesirable, response to unpleasant situations. Then you can start figuring out how to reduce outbursts within the realm of what can be expected from a real, probably tired and overworked human.
Some basic strategies for reducing the stress:
“Positive Parenting”
There are a number of books out there based on the theory that rewarding good behavior is a lot more effective than threats or punishments. Some use plain old praise, others augment with gold stars and concrete rewards. One unifying aspect of this approach is to always talk about what you expect from your kids rather than what you don’t want. This reframes each situation and offers solutions and “positive” ideas, instead of just an endless barrage of negativity. It can feel a little awkward (or fake) to change your tune when you’re still seething inside, but if you can do it, you may actually find yourself starting to feel more optimistic and less angry.
Time Outs
Time outs are controversial, but some people find them hugely effective. Yes, there’s the punitive time out of Supernanny, but a time out can also be a way for all aggravated parties to stop, separate, calm down and regroup. Parents can use time outs to help defuse anger before it gets out of control. If you feel that you’re about to lose it big time, take a breath and say, “WE need a time out,” or even, “I need a time out.” And you can just walk out of the room, take a second and then return to try and communicate in a more effective way. Among other things, this literally illustrates to a child how taking a short break can be helpful.
Set rules, follow through
Lay out your family’s important ground rules so everyone knows what’s expected of them. And then when a rule has been broken, follow-through, as dispassionately as possible, with whatever consequence you have set. Knowing in advance that you’re going to quietly do x, y or z might help you move through the stress of a punishment without boiling up.
Whatever else you can do to chill
Yoga, running, bathing, napping, spending twenty minutes running errands with your favorite music pumping through your iPod:try to make a plan for short, realistic snatches of time when you can do things that allow you a little escape. It’s a clich’, but time for yourself can be a huge help in maintaining perspective and calm.
We can definitely see the appeal of a Program when feeling out of control about discipline. There are lots of them out there, Scream-Free among them. But we’d urge you to consider what you think you can handle as well as your ultimate parenting ideal when you decide how to take this on. Kids at this age are hard in a particular way, but parenting will offer many opportunities for going into a rage:for years to come. The fact that you’re thinking about this now and trying to address it is great. By the time your kids are sneaking off with the car keys, you’ll be taking it in stride, Buddha-style. Okay, maybe not.
Have a question? Email beingpregnant@babble.com
Click to buy Ceridwen and Rebecca’s book!
Wow! This DOES seem to be a taboo subject; this article has been up for at least a day & no feedback!? I have had the same experience of a lack of commiseration with others on this subject. Moms and Dads will ‘admit’ to almost anything, but somehow, not to losing your temper or anger. I just get somewhat well-meaning nods, but no chiming in with stories, which always happens with everything else. Well, I for one will stand, not so proudly, & say, YES, I have a very big, possibly my biggest “parenting” problem, with my temper. I too have always been a patient, fairly easy person, with others even commenting on my patience, but after my son turned one and started to really become his own person, BOOM, Mad Mommy came to town. I lose my patience regularly with many inanimate objects receiving the brunt of my anger. It seems uncontrollable at the time & I just don’t know where it comes from. I do not doubt that some of this is definitely hormonal, something I might have tried to deny before. (I used to think PM tension was just an excuse, just because I didn’t suffer from it-not any any more!) I do feel like a very different person since my son was born & I am getting on, so the dreaded ‘peri-menopausal’ stuff may also apply too. Having said that, in my more reasonable moments, it really does help to acknowledge that becoming a mother has meant a major life change for me, from how the days are spent, to how I am treated and what my responsiblities are and my whole perspective on life, the future, etc. The list of change is endless, and while I wouldn’t trade it for the world, once you consider it, plus just the day to day challenges that wonderful guy brings me, (and I bring him, make no mistake about it!), I think we are all doing, each in her/his own way, pretty well. Some practical things do seem to help; more sleep, more exercise(exercise that you enjoy, not that you force yourself to do, walking & yoga does it for me), more interaction with anyone, (but sometimes its best with folks that aren’t baby/child related) and, this is fairly controversial, but carefully considering your own disposition, a supplement like St. Johns Wort. Some may say this is just a placebo, but it does seem to work, in some measure, for me. For others, something a relaxing glass of wine might do the trick. I think the key is to really figure out something you want/need & do it. And there is a lot of good advice out there, I would list some favorites, but this post is far too long already! Guess I feel quite strongly about this! It would be great to get a bit of a discussion going about this, I would love to hear others’ advice/experience and perhaps we could recommend some sources to each other.And, yes, Mad Mommy does still come to our house (and sometimes when we are out, too!) but as they say, knowing is half the battle & I think we are winning at least half the battle on this one. Best of luck to everyone out there who might be struggling with this strangely less-acknowledged challenge.
Being a dad, not only am I allowed (to an extent) to get away with yelling, but I think that it’s almost expected due to my ‘maleness.’ Yelling has it’s place but used all the time, it becomes an exercise in just getting yourself all upset and nothing more. I find the most helpful thing to do when I start yelling (or if I’m lucky, if I can catch myself before I start) is to heed some insight I gained from the ‘Scream-Free parenting’ book.Are you yelling because you don’t feel as though you have any control over the situation and are pulling out the big guns? Or are you yelling because you ~know~ (from previous experience) it will help the situation in some way? If the answer is that you feel as though you’ve lost control of the situation, the question one needs to ask is not, “how do I stop from yelling so much” but rather, “why do I feel out of control so much?”I’m not staying this question will magically fix the ‘problem’, but it does provide a totally different perspective from which to approach it. And it has has helped me go from worrying anxiously to working out solutions. good luck
Hi there,I just sat down at the computer since my almost three year old is napping and went straight to babble and did a search on “screaming and parenting”. I have been feeling so guilty today. Getting out of the house this morning was a nightmare. I have two boys, one is 8 and the other one three. I don’t know if it is the winter or the fact that I have my period ( not making excuses though ) but today I was screaming at my older son about everything. He wasn’t getting dressed, putting on shoes…etc and I just yelled at him about 6 times. Why aren’t you dressed yet! Brush your teeth now! the final blow came when the little one who is almost three just would not let me put his socks on and I was rushing to get out. He wanted to do it himself and I just lost it and just said under my breath “what the fuck do you want now”. Of course my older son heard and he said to me ” Why did you say that to him, he is a baby, talk to him like a baby ” I could not believe this scene, I can’t believe I said that. I just had absolutely no patience left at was at the end of my tether. I feel just like the first mom, I feel like all the other moms I know are so calm and patient. Sometimes I feel I need therapy but really I just want to have some self discipline, self control. I try hard every day, I really do and I am a very good mom in many other ways but these boys do really drive me insane. I just felt like crying and not like an adult at all. By the time we walked to school to drop off my older one, I hugged him so hard, told him I loved him and apologized for screaming all morning. I walked away feeling a lot less angry but so lonely and feeling so inadequate as a mother. I come from a broken family where a lot of screaming happened. I did not like it and I do not want to repeat the whole vicious cycle. I have been in therapy at three different stages in my life, I can rationalize things and understand that what I am doing is not right but somehow I still keep loosing it. SO grateful I can write this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks and good luck to all the moms and dads out there who are trying so hard to be better parents.
Hey lightandday,Samsmum here, the first mom on this post. You are doing just fine! I just came back today to this article because a) I keep checking in & am SO surprised how little response it has gotten and b) I just lost it again, after having a pretty smooth time this past week or so.Thanks for your post; I am sorry that you are having a hard day. I so feel for you and, at the same time, it is nice not to feel so alone on this challenge. I am impressed, 8 and 3, I only have one and he can drive me nuts!Like I said, I think you are doing just fine; you did one of the most important things, you apologised. I have read some really good advice that apologising, explaining that everyone gets angry sometimes, possibly explaining why you are angry (if it is something that can make some sense) is a good thing. It shows your child(ren) some respect, that you are treating them like people and trying to explain yourself and it might help them to know that their own, mixed-up feelings, which I think they are struggling with a lot (just like we still are!) are OK, it is just part of being human. I have also been given the advice that these things, in general, impact us, the parents, a lot more than the kids (within reason, anger can be expressed in a lot of ways, I’m talking about having a bit of a scream, not more drastic things) and that they just tend to get on with the next thing. I am not being very eloquent or complete on these thoughts, but hang in there. I also think that the fact you are concerned about this & trying to sort it out means you are being a good parent, I think peoples’ threshold of acceptable behaviour around our children varies greatly & if you are concerned, you are probably err on the side of being more sensitive to what they are receiving, feeling which is good. Talk about ineloquent! Apologies, but my 2 1/2 year old has stopped naps, so I am a bit distracted. Good luck with today & I would be happy to keep a dialogue going about this; despite the lack of response to this article, I think there is a lot to this. And it is SO good just to be able to ‘talk’ about it.
When my five year old daughter and three year old son go to bed, I often find myself reflecting on our day, and telling myself “It will get better, I will have more patience tomorrow, I will not lose my temper, It will get better.” Sadly, it hasn’t gotten any better. I am in an awful cycle with my five year old. I try to discipline her..she resists and is defiant, backtalk and disrespect…I lose my patience and my temper which results in my yelling at her. 10-15 minutes later I am in a downward state thinking I am the worst mother in the world and that I just wasn’t cut out for motherhood and that my kids deserve better then me. I love my children more then anything and I wish and pray that I am able to change things. I just don’t know how or even where to begin.
I know exactly what you mean about other parents not relating to you and your difficulty. First of all I believe they are uncomfortable admitting their downfalls to you. A word of advice : they are not good friends and don’t trust them with your family issues anymore. As a parent of 17 yrs, 15 yrs, and 8 yrs old children I have lost my temper a few very memorable times. It gets better when they get older I promise but you might have to wait until your youngest passes about 10 yrs old. That is the age when my childrn became more sensible. Children will drive you crazy if you let them because what they perceive as reality is not real and they believe it should be their way. When you get upset you solidify a challenge to them to prove their way is correct. Remember this when ever you get upset , in order to reach them with a realistic messsage you will sometimes have to navigate through their madness and guide them through. The gentler you are the less resistant they are every subsequent time. You are reaching out which means you are a better parent than most.
you are not alone..I feel the same way and you know what, so do the millions of other moms out there. At least you can see the wrong in what you are doing and are trying to change. THAT is what makes you a great mom
I love my little boy more than anything in the world and I try so hard to show him I love him as well as teach him and respect him but I keep finding myself getting angry at him and yelling or feeling this horrible rage and luckily catching myself most times and walking away. However at times like 4 o’clock this morning I didn’t walk away; instead I yelled, belittled and made him feel so bad and probably scared. I don’t want to make him feel this way and I can’t understand why this keeps happening. I go from nice, loving mom to angry, freak mom to overly indulgent, guilt-ridden mom in a matter of seconds and wish so much that I could just be loving, good mom but I don’t know how to do it. Part of the problem, not an excuse but a definite factor is that I am a single mom and have very little to no help with my son; the only breaks I really get are when my mom takes him so I can go to school but I never get “me-time” so I end up staying up most the night studying and then watching a show, showering or just chillen because I have no time to get things done or be by myself throughout the day. Then when I end up in bed at 3am and he wakes up at 4am and won’t go back to sleep, I loose it. It always starts well, with me being very calm and him using the potty and laying back down but then he needs a drink, and then a snack and then this and that and starts jumping around and has to use the potty again and again and again and just will not go back to sleep…I’m sure the fact that we have to share a bed because I had to move us into my parents already full house, doesn’t help. I do always make sure to tell him its his room and keep all of my stuff hidden in the closet and I know he prefers me sleeping with him but its also driving me crazy. Not just because I can’t have any privacy or because I sleep in a twin size bed with a pretty big 3 1/2 year old but also because I can’t afford to support him on my own and I can’t even give him his own room. I feel like such a failure of a mother all the time and find myself thinking about how much better off he would be without me all the time. I know all of these things and more, especially the sleep deprivation, are all contributing factors in why I loose my temper but I can seem to make the necessary changes. I tell myself all the time that I’m going to go to sleep when he does but I can’t sleep because I think of all the things I need to get done and because I desperately need some time for myself. I plan on enrolling him in preschool soon, which will hopefully help. We tried daycare before but the older he gets the more insecure he seems about his dad not being around and the more he thinks I’m going to leave too; every time I took him to daycare he cried so hard the whole time I was gone and even the whole way there and home sometimes; I just couldn’t make him go through that anymore. I don’t really know what my point is behind this post; I think I just really needed to get these things off my chest and too know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Reading this article and the posts have really helped me to not feel quite so awful about everything. This subject is indeed something no one wants to talk about and whenever I say anything about it, even to my mom who I know had issues with her temper when I was a child, I feel like I’m being judged and that there is something really wrong with me. So thank you to everyone who shared on here; reading this has made a big difference for me.
I can relate!! I find myself losing it and it’s not even 10am I haven’t even been around my kids (2 and 9 months) for 2 hours and I am going crazy!! The same thing happens to me like all of you, I snap, yell, vent my frustration and then when I have time to reflect I feel guilty and horrible and inadequate, guess I wasn’t cut out for this gig. I do wish I could just get away and “be myself” (whatever that means) for a day, but I know I would miss my kids too because the grass is always greener. I just wish I didn’t have a short fuse like I do now, I never thought I would be this way before kids.