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Parents Say The Darndest Things: 20 Crazy Things Moms & Dads Say To Their Kids

The other day I actually heard the words, “You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin!’” escape my mouth.

Cruisin. For. A. Bruisin.

Exactly what did I mean? Was I really threatening to beat my son until black and blue marks appeared on his skin? Of course not. But I heard the sentence so many times during my own childhood it bobbed to the top of my mind like a rubber ducky released from the depths of a pool.

I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but it’s happening. I’m turning into my mother. Not only that but, much like when I shouted the above sentence, half the time I don’t even know what the hell I’m saying. I mean, seriously. What does “If you don’t stop crying I’m going to give you something to cry about!” even mean?

If you’ve said two or more of the below sayings, well, I have some bad news for you; you’re turning into your parents as well.

  • 1 of 21
    parent-01
  • They Don’t Want An Answer 2 of 21
    parent-03

    If you saw me do it why are you asking?

  • Stop Now And You’ll Make It Out Alive 3 of 21
    parent-04

    I'm not... I didn't... Wait, what?

  • Harsh 4 of 21
    parent-05

    But, Mo-om. I thought you said violence is never the answer.

  • Again With The Physical Violence? 5 of 21
    parent-06

    If I had a nickel for every time my Mom said this I could retire a millionaire.

  • The End 6 of 21
    parent-07

    Worst. Sentence. Ever.

  • Don’t Answe, You Can’t Win 7 of 21
    parent-08

    You raised me... I'm just sayin'.

  • But? 8 of 21
    parent-09

    Every kid ever knows not to point out the discrepancy in this sentence... If they know what's good for 'em.

  • Um… Okay? 9 of 21
    parent-10

    Wait, WHAT?

  • Not A Compliment 10 of 21
    parent-11

    Me too! Because I'm totally awesome.

  • Whoa! 11 of 21
    parent-12

    Daaayumn, Mom. That's heavy.

  • Warning: Danger Ahead 12 of 21
    parent-13

    But smiles are good, right? And how do you wipe off a smile, anyway.

  • Look Away! Look Away! 13 of 21
    parent-14

    But Mom! That doesn't even make sense.

  • This Is Not The Time To Make Your Case For Innocence 14 of 21
    parent-15

    But... But... HE did it!

  • There is Good Smart and Bad Smart: This Is Bad Smart 15 of 21
    parent-17

    But I thought you told me you want me to be smart? This is so confusing.

  • I Might Eat It But… 16 of 21
    parent-16

    Technically, you're wrong, Mom. I might eat it under duress but you can't make me like it.

  • Variation: Are Your Arms Painted On? 17 of 21
    parent-18

    Damn how I wished I had a broken arm when I was a kid so my mom would say this and I would be all, "Why, yes. As a matter of fact, my arm is broken."

  • It Depends 18 of 21
    parent-19

    Well, no. But staying out past midnight is way cooler than jumping off a cliff. Unless the cliff is in Hawaii. Next to a waterfall. And then yes, maybe I would jump off the cliff with my friends.

  • Idle Threat 19 of 21
    parent-20

    I know there was a lot of swiping of hands into the back seat but did they ever pull the car over? Even once?

  • Should I call Grandma then? 20 of 21
    parent-21

    Well, who's going to drive me to the hospital then?

  • More Physical Threats 21 of 21
    parent-22

    Such violence!

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