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24 Children's Books That Scream Out for Product Placement: A Prediction of Marketing To Come

The sound you hear? It’s a little piece of your soul dying. Because The Lorax, the fuzzy Seussian guy who speaks for the trees, is now also speaking for Mazda SUVs.

Given that:

1. Hollywood can think of nothing new, and

2. Nothing is sacred,

it only goes to follow that we’ll be seeing more movies based on children’s classics, and more promotional tie-ins. And everyone knows the only way to stretch a 15-minute picture book into a 75-minute feature film is to pack it with product placements!

Here are my predictions for more sad and twisted tie-ins for your beloved children’s classics. Remember, you heard it here first.


  • image-286 1 of 25
    image-286
    Thanks to all my readers who offered suggestions for children's books that just scream out for product tie-ins!
  • Are you there God, it’s me, tampons! 2 of 25
    Are you there God, it's me, tampons!
    Makers of "feminine products" seem to be aiming for the tween and young teen market, wrapping pads and tampons in groovy colors. Kudos to Judy Blume for not having her name allll over that stuff.
  • Are You My Mommy? Home Pregnancy Test 3 of 25
    Are You My Mommy? Home Pregnancy Test
    Don't forget to look for the companion product, the Are You My Daddy DNA Test?
  • Diary of a Kid with Positive Self-Image 4 of 25
    Diary of a Kid with Positive Self-Image
    Greg from Diary of a Wimpy Kid might have better self-image if we finally treated that raging depression!
    (Inspired by: Marj)
  • Junie B. Jones Finally Gets her ADHD Diagnosed 5 of 25
    Junie B. Jones Finally Gets her ADHD Diagnosed
    I love that Junie B., but she does seem a little ... easily distracted, no?
  • Perfection: Benadryl and Go the F**k to Sleep 6 of 25
    Perfection: Benadryl and Go the F**k to Sleep
    Hey, kids! Who wants a delicious Benadryl? Nighty-night.
  • Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day That Ended With a Box of Wine 7 of 25
    Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day That Ended With a Box of Wine
    Here we have what my good friend Julie Miner refers to as "The T-Box" -- the cube of wine available at Target. Seems like a perfect end to that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad bedtime you just got through!
    (Inspired by: Tina)
  • Blubber, brought to you by Slim-Fast 8 of 25
    Blubber, brought to you by Slim-Fast
    The mean girls get younger every year. (Note to self: Lindsay Lohan doesn't seem too busy these days. Possible celebrity endorsement?)
    (Inspired by: Amanda)
  • David Beckham IS Captain Underpants! 9 of 25
    David Beckham IS Captain Underpants!
    Nice tighty-whities.
    (Inspired by: Beth)
  • Charlotte’s Web Spider Blaster 10 of 25
    Charlotte's Web Spider Blaster
    Tired of finding creepy messages in all the spider webs in your barn? Take care of the problem with Raid Spider Blaster! (Sorry, sad ending comes a little more quickly in this version.)
    (Inspired by: Holly)
  • Little Women (special Wonderbra edition) 11 of 25
    Little Women (special Wonderbra edition)
    Meg and Jo no longer have to feel awkward dressing up for the ball.
  • The Giving Tree Hand Sanitizer 12 of 25
    The Giving Tree Hand Sanitizer
    I'd kinda love it if the kids at school could share a little bit less, when it comes to germs.
  • The Very Hungry Caterpillar Goes to Weight Watchers and Learns Portion Control 13 of 25
    The Very Hungry Caterpillar Goes to Weight Watchers and Learns Portion Control
    How many points in that serving of fruit?
    (See beautiful real Eric Carle illustrations at this post by Meredith Carroll!)
    (Inspired by: Philip)
  • Pinkalicious Hair Dye … approved by Katy Perry! 14 of 25
    Pinkalicious Hair Dye ... approved by Katy Perry!
    If you're going to place products well, it's smart if you can get a really hot celebrity to endorse it. Katy Perry certainly is pinkalicious.
    (Inspired by: Stephanie)
  • Levi’s Corduroy Bear 15 of 25
    Levi's Corduroy Bear
    It's really a match made in product placement heaven, isn't it? I kind of can't believe it hasn't already happened. Let's start a betting pool on whether it will be Levi's or Gap that snaps this idea up.
    (Inspired by: Jannett)
  • The Ugly Duckling, with forward by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons 16 of 25
    The Ugly Duckling, with forward by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons
    Don't worry, honey. You don't have to be ugly! We can totally fix that! Just ignore the message about beauty being on the inside.
    (Inspired by: Allison)
  • Fancy Nancy, brought to you by De Beers Diamonds 17 of 25
    Fancy Nancy, brought to you by De Beers Diamonds
    Remember those diamond commercials? La la la la. La la la la! Little girls are all about the bling these days, right? At least real diamonds probably aren't covered with lead paint!
    (Inspired by: Jen)
  • Oh! The Places You’ll Go … With Depends! 18 of 25
    Oh! The Places You'll Go ... With Depends!
    It seems no one could resist tying a product in with Depends -- I had three separate recommendations for that. Adding a light-hearted, Dr. Seussian twist to bladder incontinence makes it perfect for the young at heart!
    (Inspired by: Michelle, Jennifer, and Thalia)
  • Rebecca of Monsanto Farms 19 of 25
    Rebecca of Monsanto Farms
    As if Sunnybrook Farms wouldn't have been bought out by Big Agriculture by now.
  • Paula, Charlie, and the Chocolate Factory 20 of 25
    Paula, Charlie, and the Chocolate Factory
    More celebrity endorsements! I really can't think of anything more perfect for Paula Deen to endorse than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, especially if it came with free insulin!
  • Heh heh heh. Poo. 21 of 25
    Heh heh heh. Poo.
    This is ad for Poo(h) Wipes is real. Apparently Huggies' marketing team is significantly less juvenile than I am.
  • Stuart Little Brand Mousetraps 22 of 25
    Stuart Little Brand Mousetraps
    Nothing skeeves me out like that little skritcha-skritcha-skritcha sound that little mouse feet make. (Except maybe the sound of this girl's voice.) See ya, Stuart.
  • Where’s Waldo? GPS 23 of 25
    Where's Waldo? GPS
    I have the worst sense of direction. Basically, when I drive around, it's always like "Where's Mommy?" At least this would make getting lost more fun.
  • Pippi Longstocking, brought to you by Victoria’s Secret 24 of 25
    Pippi Longstocking, brought to you by Victoria's Secret
    The secret is that the garter is sold separately.
  • Mr. Tickle’s Corporate Sexual Harassment Training Program 25 of 25
    Mr. Tickle's Corporate Sexual Harassment Training Program
    As a former Human Resources professional, I can say that at least this would have held people's attention.

(Photo Credit: All images created by Joslyn Gray for Strollerderby. Images: iStockPhoto and Amazon.com)

Read more from Joslyn at her blog stark. raving. mad. mommy. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter for even more funny.

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