My Fiance’s Children
Will they love me if I'm not their "real" mom?
Whenever David and I drop the kids off at their mom’s on Sunday evenings, we’re always both sad. The television is no longer playing Toy Story 3 on repeat, the roar of a Tonka truck is no longer the soundtrack to making dinner, and our arms are missing the weight of a sleepy child.
But I surprised myself yesterday when David asked me what was wrong. I was feeling a little down, yeah, but normally when I’m like that, I tell him “nothing” or “I’m fine” because generally, I am. I’m just tired or worn out from work or avoiding the mildewed laundry that sat overnight in the washer. But yesterday, as the words floated off in a cartoon bubble from his mouth, I said, “I miss the kids.”
And then proceeded to cry.
I would like to say that one reason I was so upset this particular weekend is because I spent more time with them than usual. I had Thursday evening with them. I took them to school Friday morning, and I picked them up that afternoon. I left work early on Saturday and we all went to the zoo, then we had all day Sunday with them.
I’d like to think that another reason was that Chloe was sick and couldn’t keep anything down all weekend and therefore wanted lots of extra snuggles. One afternoon, she sat in my lap at the kitchen table, wrapping both arms around me and laying her head on my chest without saying a word.
Maybe it was because I picked them up Friday afternoon from the babysitter (something I’ve never done before) and that when they saw me walk in the door, they both jumped up and ran into my arms, screaming “SAM!” and begging to be picked up.
Maybe because Trey was extra affectionate this weekend and would call my name, slap me on the leg, and then say, “Hold me, peas” about eighteen thousand times every five minutes.
Maybe it was a combination of all of those events – or maybe it’s because, for the first time, I really felt like a mom and not just another adult to love on in the house.
For a long time, it was difficult. They were his kids … their kids. They were swaddled in blankets I never saw and their little hands gripped David’s fingers long before he ever pinky-swore an ice cream date with me. They had a mother and their mother once loved my fianc’ and together, they were a family of four. And then there I was, feeling a lot like a mistress. I’d stay home and wave a mascara wand and put on heels while he made a pit stop at his ex-wife’s house to see the kids’ Halloween costumes. I worried that she would always come first, that they would always be “the unit” and I was just a robotic arm haphazardly attached. I was jealous of their dynamic, I was worried that David wouldn’t want any more children, I was … well, I was a lot of things. And most of it was based purely off of insecurities I had carried around, festering in my mind and causing a hot, dull ache in my throat and chest and eyes.
There is an unwritten rule when starting a new relationship, and that rule is: “do not bring up past loves.” No matter how funny an old boyfriend story might be or how confident you proclaim you are, as soon as that elephant is carted into the room, it takes a long, long time to attach sequins and make it a part of The Greatest Show on Earth. Your curiosity will (clich’ or not) kill the cat – and your budding relationship. I have always been a firm believer in this, in keeping tight-lipped and not asking, “So, did she always model while she was going to medical school?” But when your fianc”s past is there every other weekend, in the flesh, asking you to scratch her back or to pick him him up, it’s hard to ignore. And it’s hard not to fall in love these kids.
When he and I first became us, the bad blood was thick and congealed in his past relationship. And it was something he had to deal with every single day, battling for more time with the kids, or fighting over money. They were both so angry with each other, and of course, she was never happy with the idea of me. And she was never going to be happy with the idea of me making macaroni and cheese for her kids or tucking them in at night.
Now we are cordial. And we acknowledge each other and, depending on the stars’ alignment, can actually hold a conversation. But then there are the days when we both go to preschool field day and sit on separate sides and I watch, broken broken-hearted, as Chloe searches for me in the crowd, but ultimately sits with her mom to eat lunch.
But I always knew that loving David meant loving his kids, too. I knew that they would always be a part of my life, of our family. That no matter how many other kids David and I had, Chloe and Trey would always be there, would always be first. I knew that they would be important to me as David is and that I would do nothing but love them unconditionally.
But it took a while for me to realize that they were mine, too. That together, we, too, were a family of four and that I had a little girl and a little boy. It took a while for me to realize that they would always be the big brother and sister and that any children David and I had together would be loved and treated exactly the same.
I didn’t know the pride I would have walking through the zoo with them and people smiling at our curious little blonde and our funny and charming boy. I didn’t know that my heart would swell as I tucked them into their beds, whispered “I love you” into the dark, put their clothes out for the morning. I didn’t know that I would rush home from work to be with them, that I would get a thrill from buying little 4T tank tops, that I would take a day off work to go to that preschool field day, that I would want to wake them up from their naps just to hear their laughter.
I didn’t know that at 22 years old, I would proudly say, “I have two children” when someone mentions kids. I didn’t know.
But now? Now I can’t imagine loving a child I actually pushed out of my body any more than I love Chloe and Trey. A new baby will be, indeed, a new baby and a new life and a new love, but it will be my third child. My youngest of three. My baby. But it will hold just as much of my heart as Chloe and Trey, it will take my breath away with its first steps just like Chloe does when she learns something new at school or Trey does when he says a new word. A new baby will have a picture in a frame on my desk, right between my two oldest babies. My first babies. My little boy and my little girl.
Maybe one day, we will ALL be one family. Maybe one day, I’ll sit next to their mother and their stepsister and cheer on Chloe as she twirls in a ballet recital. Maybe one day, Trey will smile for a picture between both of us, his mother and his stepmother, secure in the fact that he has never been more loved.
But for now, I will happily, gladly take our family of four. Because they are not just his kids. They are our kids.
such a lovely and moving essay!
This was so sweet.
This is beautiful.
Thank you all so much!
Lord, when I am angry at my husband and daydreaming about divorce I will remember this article. It would kill me to have a 22-year-old write this article about my kids.
Elodie, may I ask why? Because if your concern is that I’m 22, you should know that the kids’ parents are 24 and 23.
Sam: It’s great that you love those children, but they are not yours. You can love them and you can have a place in them but you state that they are yours. That is not true. And you are not their mother. The most important part of being a stepparent is knowing who you are and who you are not. Do not try to be their mother. This article strikes the fear of God into any mother’s heart. When you have your own children, you will understand why.
When I say that they are mine, I do not mean exclusively. But their stepfather would gladly say that these two children are his as well. If you were to ask him, he would say “I have four children” despite the fact that two of them are biologically my fiance’s. The kids’ mother knows I feel this way about them and appreciates it, just like my fiance appreciates that his children have another father figure to love them and guide them.
I think this is beautiful. Those children are very lucky to have 4 parents who love them to pieces!
Thank you mrs d!
Elodie, you said it perfectly. This is ‘Rock the Cradle’ fear and likely not rational, but Ms. Darby, I fear you are very, very naive about motherly love. Being ‘broken, broken-hearted’ about a daughter choosing her mother to eat lunch with? That says it all.
I agree msbeck, that my wording of being “broken-hearted” about the preschool lunch was not what I meant. I was not broken-hearted that she sat with her mother instead of me, I was broken-hearted that she had to make that choice, that the three of us could not all sit together. I completely disagree that this is ‘Rock the Cradle’ fear. If I was a stepmother who took no interest in her stepchildren, who treated them as if they were her husband’s children and gave no love or affection towards them, I would be labeled abusive, demeaning, heartless, cold, etc.
Wow, I can’t believe you’re not even married to their father and you call them “your” kids!! My husband and I divorced this year and I have a new partner who has two children like myself (his are 9 and 5, mine are 6 and 4). Neither he nor I would ever call the other’s children “ours” because that really crosses the line and steps on the toes of the birth parents. Hopefully one day we will get married but even then – and only then – I would only call myself his children’s stepmother, even though I love them to bits and treat them the same as my own. I am so glad to have them in my life but they are not and never will be “my” children!!!
I will never love my stepchildren any differently than my own children, so why would I call them anything else? I am not their mother and I do not try to be, but when they are in my home and they are hurt or they need dinner or they need to be picked up from school, I am the one who helps my fiance by stepping in to do that. The children treat me like a mother by asking me for stories, for back rubs, for hugs and for kisses. Chloe has asked to call me mommy and her father and I have both told her no and even discussed it with her mother. If I was to treat these kids any differently than I do now, trust me, they would notice and ask about it. If someone said “Do you have any children?” and I said “No, my fiance does”, I can guarantee that Chloe would stand up and ask me why I don’t call her my child.
my best friend’s mom makes $77 an hour on the computer. She has been out of job for 9 months but last month her check was $7487 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read about it here CashBrave.com
Samantha, I commend you for your writing. You are wise beyond your years, and that is obvious. I have to make comments on your behalf to certain ones who made negative comments. By the way, I am 48 years old and have a mixed family. I have been married for 13 years but we have been together for 18 years. I had 2 girls, my husband had one. They are now 26, 24, & 22 with the 24 year old being my stepdaughter. To GROWNUP, your not very grownup. Your opinion is why the divorce rate is so high among 2nd marriages. Sure the kids will always have their real mother or father, but to not call them your own is just selfish. That makes the kids feel like outsiders in the family.MSBECK–A child should not have to make this kind of choice, she should be able to sit with both! Jealousy is stupid…if the mother shows a child enough love and attention, they know who their mother is but that does not mean they have make choices that are hard. The child loves both, I know this from experience.MOMOfFOUR I disagree. If the fear of God is struck in a mother’s heart, then it’s because she knows she is not giving her kids what they need and someone may take her place. I know about the jealousy from the mother, I went through it too and she tried everything to turn her against me. I did not understand that because my girls had a deadbeat dad all their life. All I kept saying was I don’t understand…her mother should be grateful to have someone who cares and loves her child. To end my story, when asked, both my husband and I always say we have 3 children because we ARE A FAMILY. Great story Samantha!
janshere, the “fear of God” comment was a metaphor does not mean I am not afraid that I am not giving my children what they need. However, another grownup can come in and take away my child and pretend to be their mother. Because I am married to my child’s father, this could only happen if someone literally kidnapped my child and pretended to betheir mother. But in the case of stepfamilies, it is a whole lot more complex and subtle. A good stepparent knows who they are and who they are not. I hope the writer is simply saying she loves those children and is not trying to replace or pretend to be their mother. Many stepparents confuse their role and their relationship.Janshere, you state in your comment both that you was angry at your stepdaughter’s mother was being jealous of you and you also state your own children’s father was not involved so your perspective is limited to being the stepparent. I would be interested in hearing the response of divorced mothers in this situation. Non the less, if the parties above are handling themselves in this tricky situation with maturity and respect,then kiddos to her and everyone involved.
I am a divorced parent and my perspective is not limited being a stepmother. All 3 are my children and always will be. You don’t have the perspective of what it means to be a stepmother since you are not divorced.
As the bilogical father of the children in this srticle I would like to politely tell all you people that are berating my fiance to go jump off a cliff. As a child from a divorce I would have dreamed to have step parent like my fiance. Your dream as a parent involved in a divorce your only hope is that you find someone that will love your children the way you do. Based off your comments (for the haters) you are saying that adoptive parents do not pocess the ability to love a child the way a biological parent does. My children’s step father would say the same thing from his point of view. I respect your ability to have an opinion, but your ability to orm a logical one is insulting. Some peoples ability to love is so great that it leaves no room for doubt. If you cant comprehend that then I pity you, I truly do. My fiance has the utmost respect for their mother. They do not call her “Mom” but you bet your last dollar that my fiance would lay down her life just as quickly as their mother for these kids. Just because you dont give birth to a child doesn’t put a limit on the amount of love you can give them. I’m sure you love your mother, siblins and other family members. Did you give birth to them? I didn’t think so, yet you love them. But by your definition that is impossble. If my fiance had written an article about how she made me do everything for the kids because they were “my” kids you would be appauled. The fact that my children have two step parents that love enough to say ” I love them like my own” makes them truly blessed. I feel sorry for you people who cant understand love in its fullest capacity. But maybe this will help enlighten you to the ability that some people have to love unconditionaly. Now shove off!!
Thank you kind people for all the support and understanding. Lets keep the supportive comments coming.
The Father
Wow, I can honestly not believe the kind of feedback that you are getting on here Sam. I must preface my response with the note that I am not a mother, I am a 23-year-old heathen (from the mood I am feeling in the forum), and have been friends with Sam for the past 5 years. Though I currently lack the motherly perspective, I do have one VERY unique perspective that no one has seemed to touch on. I am a child of divorce parents. I was Chloes age when my parents split. I do not remember my parents every really being together, or doing family activates, I only remember them living separate lives.
I cannot believe the insecurity I am hearing back on Samanthas article. Are you really that insecure with the relationships that you have with your children that you would deny them the opportunity to be loved by another human being, someone who will help them when they fall, hug them when they are scared and encourage them to do things theyve only ever dreamt about doing.
My father got married when I was still very young, and I must say, I would have done anything to have a Samantha-like stepmother. The stepmother I grew up with was verbally abusive (and at one point physically abusive to me), and she was so very insecure about the relationship I had with my father. Whenever I would go over to their house I was banished to the basement, and not allowed to spend time with him. As time went on, my father and I drifted further and further apart, and I no longer have a relationship with him. I am not placing sole blame here on my stepmother, as my father had just as much of a part of in it as she did, but my point still stands. I would have done anything to look up at one of my swim meets and to see four people smiling back at me, and cheering me on. The type of confidence and security that having so much support would have created would have put me light-years apart from my peers. Instead of having one singular voice encouraging me to go farther, I would have had four. I cant even begin to tell you how special that would have made me feel; as I remember very painfully begging my father to show up to one of my soccer games (and when he did show up to ONE, trying my hardest so that he would want to come back and watch me play). I am not here, however, to play the sob story, my father didnt love me card.
I am extremely lucky in the sense that I have the most wonderful mother in the entire world. She encourages me every single day to do all the things I have only dreamt of doing, and I know I would not be near where I am today if it wasnt for her. I can speak for her (mainly because I just got off the phone with her and discussed what I wanted to write here), and she would have been so thrilled for me to have another supportive maternal figure when I went to my fathers house. Now I can personally attest for the relationship that I have with my mother. She is my mother; my best friend and no one would ever be able to replace her in my heart and I am so very confident in this feeling. In return, I am her daughter, her best friend, and she knows that she will always be my number one. We have such a wonderful, secure, adult relationship; which is based on mutual respect and trust that has taken all of these amazing 23 years to develop. I am so sadden that many of you obviously do not have this feeling with your children.
I also have a stepfather and a stepbrother. We have been a part of each others lives for the past nine years. It hasnt always been easy, and it wont be. But I can honestly attest that if you make a distinction between my kids and your kids, your blended family will ultimately fail. You need to create a family unit; one that has the same rules and values or you will create a very restful atmosphere. This is what my parents (yes, I consider my stepfather one of my parentsHOW BLASPHEMOUS) did to our fragile family when we first began. I can proudly say that I consider my stepbrother my real brother, and over the years the step just disappeared. I dare any one of you to tell me that he is not my real brother, as we have grown up together, experience loss and joy together. We have fought, cried and laughed, and he too is one of my most treasured confidants. Beside him being biologically related to me, he is my brother, and I am his sister.
It is a statically true that 50% of marriages end in divorce, morally wrong or not (I am not here to argue ideology) it is a fact. My extended family represents that statistic in many different ways (which I wont fully explain, as it is so beautifully complicated). When my stepfather and brother entered into the picture, my family offered nothing but open arms and love for them, and treated them like the son, grandson, brother-in-law and nephew that they are. Every Christmas is special, and they are treated like they have always been in our lives. On the other side of this, I (and my mother) am not treated this way by my stepfathers family. I never get a birthday card, Chanukah card, or any special recognition that I am a special part of this family, heck, even as a person. Chloe and Trey are so very lucky, not only that Sam has accepted them into her heart so fully, but that her family has accepted them too.
I can personally attest to the life that Sam and David (her wonderful finance and father of these two amazing kids) have created for these children. When they have them for the weekend, it is all about the children, their lives revolve solely around them. Chloe and Trey are two of the most well behaved children I have had the privilege to meet. Reminder here, I am a 23-year-old heathen, and cannot possibly understand the responsibilities that a mother faces. And thats right, I cant imagine myself being a mother right now, but Sam has taken on this responsibility so selflessly. There are always going to be adjustment issues and growing pains, but that comes along with any family, either blended or natural. Chloe and Trey are smart, funny, confidant, and trusting; they are so well adjusted. I honestly believe that is all due to the fact that they are loved by so many people who want nothing but the best for them. My own mother, whos raised one and half children, as many of you dont consider stepchildren to be real children, considers Sam and David to be two of the best parents (even at their young, and silly age of 22 and 24) she has ever seen.
So I finally point my finger back at your insecure, and unrealistic comments and criticisms. I didnt realize that we were living in this idealistic society, of such a rigid family unit; I am concerned that you have not left your house in the past 30 years to see what the world is really about now. Families are made up of so many different dynamic figures that it is so crude to explicitly state who is capable of loving and who is not. You do not have the privilege of seeing Sam, David, Chloe and Trey as a family unit, and that truly is a shame. How dare you tell Sam it is wrong to love these children like her own. Why must we always search for the negative in these situations instead of being happy that these children are so loved and cared for? I really hope that your family lives are so perfect that you never need to deal with issue of blending a family together, and maybe you will be one of the lucky ones, but please try and consider all the different perspectives before you post your thoughtless words. I really wish the world you all paint was really all that black and white, life would be so seemingly easy!
On a personal note: Thank you Sam, your words are always so beautiful, and I cannot describe how proud I am of you. I hope you all enjoy Disney World (just dont tell anyone there that they are your stepchildren as they might stone you at Cinderellas castle) ? LOVE YOU!
And may I point out that, in the entirety of this article, Sam Never one time called Chloe and Trey “my” children. She said our kids. Just thought i would point that out for the people who chose to ignore that fact before their ignorant tirades. Once again
I would first like to say, great article! As this is an emotionally charged subject, I can understand the impassioned responses. As a married, 30 year old, mother of a beautiful 4 year old daughter, I can understand how some of the commenters are disturbed by idea that someone out there could presume to love their children as much as they do. I personally believe that a mothers love is unlike any other love and that no one, not even her father, will love my child the way that I do. There is a bond between mother and child that is unique. There is something I am unable to explain about caring another life inside your body that created a life altering change for me. I know without doubt that my childs father loves her more than his own life and would do literally anything for her. However, if my daughter were in the position of having another woman in her life in the role of mother or step-mother I can only pray the woman in that role would love my daughter the way Sam describes her feelings in her article. As the child of divorced parents, I was never afforded the opportunity of having a step-mother who felt about my siblings and me the way this article describes. We were always made to feel like outsiders in our fathers home, particularly after our step-mother had children of her own. It would have been much better for all parties involved if she had been able to care for my siblings and I in the same matter the article describes. While I hope and pray that my daughter grows up in a home with both her mother and father present, I cannot predict the future. If my daughter ever finds herself in the shoes of the children mentioned in this article, I pray that she have a Sam in that role.
As a child od divorce and a mother, Thank you Sam. This truly touched my heart. It takes an amazing woman to love these kids as you do. This world need more people as loving and caring as you. You are a blessing.
As a divorced mother of two, and a stepmother of one, I have to say that those are two lucky kids.
Thank you all so much for the positive comments! It really means a lot!
Samantha, it does make a huge difference that the parents are 24 and 25. I do always wonder about whether once a stepmother has her own children (either through adoption or biologically) she will love the stepkids equally. It has been my experience that they do not, and tend to start seeing the stepchildren very differntly, often as a threat to their “own” kids.
I think you have a good attitude towards the kids, but as a mother I still shudder at thinking of another woman acting so much as a “mom” to my child that they ask to call her “mommy”. To me that shows that the kid is missing their mom and needing a mommy substitute. When I nannied, as soon as kid started trying to call me mommy, I knew they needed more time with their actual mom.
Obviously you are far more mature than these kids father (based on his moronic comments), so I do have my doubts about your happily ever after future with him, but best of luck.
My husband has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships. An 8 year old a 6 year old and a 3 year old. I too am only 22 years old but I have been through potty training, booboos and birthdays. They mean the world to me and I too call them My kids. My husbands ex wife, with whom I have a great relationship, calls them our kids referring to me, her, her husband, and my husband. We all make decisions together and the kids are well adjusted I think because of this. My stepkids call me by my name but they are quick to tell anyone who will listen that they have 2 moms and 2 dads. I love them with all my heart. It wasn’t until recently that I realized there was a different kind of love. The kind of love that comes with placing your hand over your belly as the tiny being moves inside of you and you are filled with both immense joy and sheer terror. The kind of love that comes when they place a wailing newborn on your chest, head elongated covered in goo and all you can think of is how amazingly beautiful that baby is. I love my stepchildren with all my heart but I have a different kind of love for my son. A love that knows no bounds. A love that can’t be duplicated anywhere but in my heart because I carried my baby there as well as my womb. I also get great joy in knowing that my son is MINE, not just his, not 3 other people’s but mine. He came from me and will always be with me. Aside from his father I don’t have to share him. I don’t have to eagerly await Fridays to see him (though I still do eagerly await Fridays) and I don’t have to pack him up to leave me on Sundays. I think that once you grow a baby of your own. Once you feel the tiny flutters of life inside of you, you will understand a bit more about what all the naysayers on here are trying to say (although too harshly for my taste) because while I love my stepkids unconditionally, while I would step in front of a bullet for any one of them, I am not their mommy, I am their Staysa. And that’s special enough for me.
Elodie, so what am I supposed to do? When the children are treating me like I’m their mother, asking for hugs and kisses, I should tell them no? Should I tell a five year old and a two and a half year old that I am not their mother and they need to wait until they get home to act like that? That seems like a healthy way to raise children, sure.
I am interested in the comments here. The writer’s friends and fiancee are jumping on the comments, lambesting the commentators. I don’t read anyone that’s attacking the writer. When you put something out on the Internet, and you want people to read it, you have to expect feedback. Actually, the feedback you’re getting is very kind even if the people don’t agree with you or are asking some questions. Usually commentators on this site are not nice at all, so I commend the gentleness of the commentators, excluding the super defensive comments of the author’s friends and family. I think we can all agree that it is good for a child to be loved and that this is an interesting article which raises painful and interesting questions.
Staysa, I love that your husband’s ex-wife refers to all four of you as parents. That is very much what our situation is becoming and I am so grateful. I agree that having a child of my own will feel a lot different than having two stepchildren, but I still feel that it will not change my relationship with Chloe and Trey. They will still be my oldest two kids and while I share them with their mother and stepfather, it will not make my love for a child that I get to keep all of the time any different.
Interested, I completely expected the feedback and knew that by putting my story out here, I would get different opinions. But I do feel like I have to defend myself when someone tells me that I am striking the fear of God into every mother’s heart simply because I love two children like they are my own.
Your children are lucky to have a step-mother like you. I say that both as a child of divorce and as a parent of a child who has step-parents.
My parents divorced when I was 8ish and right before I turned 10 both of my parents got remarried. My dad and my step-dad were both Navy so we ended up being across the world from my dad. My step-dad never forced us to call him dad, or tried to replace our dad but he did love us. From the very beginning he referred to us as his kids, and when he and my mom had two more kids nothing changed in how he treated us and never said “two kids and two step-kids” it was always “4 kids” when telling people about our family. As we grew up he was the one we turned to for advice and comfort. He was the only one of our four parents to sit in the hospital waiting room the entire time my older sister had her hip replaced just so she wouldn’t wake up alone. He wanted to drive three hours to be with me when I filed for divorce because he didn’t want me to have to do it alone. When I had my son the first time he held him he had the exact same look on his face and tears in his eyes that his biological grandparents had. There is no way anyone can tell me my step-dad is not just as much my dad as my biological father is. I am pretty sure I never told him “You aren’t my real dad, I don’t have to listen to you” because he was just as much my dad.
That example of the love and relationship I had with my step-dad meant that when my first husband and I got divorced I refused to settle for anything less than the same kind of man for my son’s step-father. I am not the slightest bit worried that at some point he may look at another woman as his mom in addition to me being his mom. I can see nothing but good things coming from having more people loving and supporting him. Of course his step-mother will love him differently than I do, not less just differently. His father and I love him differently from each other, and his step-father loves him differently from me.
My son calls both his father and his step-father “Dad.” We didn’t do it on purpose (and honestly I would have preferred two different names because calling them the same thing is confusing) and we only referred to the step-dad by his first name. My son wasn’t having it and will only call him “Dad.” When he gets home from work both their faces light up at seeing each other. There are running, slamming into him hugs for my husband. My husband asks to take him places just the two of them. My husband calls him his son, in fact I’m pretty sure most of his co-workers have no idea that he is his step-dad. His wallpaper on his computer is our son, so is the background on his phone, and on his ipad. He has every picture we have had professionally done since we have been together in his wallet. My husband misses him for the 8 hours he is at work every day and a few weeks ago when he was gone on a business trip we did a skype call every night while Daddy read him his normal bedtime story and blew kisses before getting tucked in. You can’t tell me that my husband is not his dad. My son benefits from having all of us love him, comfort him, and support him. I can’t understand feeling threatened about their kid having more support and love we should be grateful that our former spouse cares enough about the kids to think of them when getting remarried and that they have found someone who won’t think of our kids as an annoyance and instead as part of the family.
sam, this is beautiful. both chloe and trey are immensely blessed to have their biological parents active in their life and two loving, supportive step-parents who clearly have their best interest in mind. anyone who is telling you otherwise must have narrow views on what it actually means to be a parent, and these babies are yours to love in every right. while you will never be their “birth mother” and certainly aren’t claiming to be, it seems like the dynamic has worked out to include you as their step-mother and i think you have every right to focus more on the mother, less on the “step”
Love can not subtract it only multiplies. I can relate to your story. I am an adoptive mom to two boys and we have an open adoption with their birth mother. On occasion, I have been asked if I ever feel threatened by their birth mother. My honest feeling is that children can never have too many people who love them! As adults we each have a role in their lives and I know my role is not going to be replaced. I love my boys with every last ounce of my being and it fills me with joy to see how many people we have in our family who love them too. What could be better than that?
I had a stepfather and stepmother as a child. It was pretty clear to me that while I was treated the same as their biological children, I had my own Mom and Dad, who had very different meaning in my life than my Stepmom and Stepdad. And that’s completely ok and normal. Now I have my own children. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been so open in accepting and loving your fiance’s children like they are your own. But you are not their mother. No way, no how, never will be. Be the best stepmom you can (sounds like you already are, so kudos), and you’ll do well. But if you try to be the best mom you can be, I think you’ll run into trouble eventually. Trust me, no mom likes sharing her title. And those cute and cuddly kids will grow into teenagers who pit their parents against each other as they reach for their independence. Good luck to you.
My best friends mom makes $77 an hour on the computer. She has been out of job for 9 months but last month her check was $7487 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read about it here NuttyRich.com
Just last night was looking at photos of a friend’s stepdaughter’s wedding: the bride walked up the aisle with mother on one arm & stepmother on the other. I can see you there already.
Alex gets to the heart of what I was trying to address in my previous comments. It is OK to kiss a boo-boo or give snuggles but important to keep the kids clear that “X is mommy, I am Samantha. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you; I do love you. But I am not your mommy”. It may be hard for them to understand at first, but they will get it as they get older. Trying to act as an extra mommy is bound to create problems later.
If anything, life is messy. And Sam, you are doing a great job loving and supporting your family. There may be confusion and concerns later on, but from being a child of divorce, not from you loving them as you do. And by the way, if feeling like they have 2 moms that love them more than anything is their biggest problem, they will turn out amazing.
If my husband and I ever got divorced and would love their step-mom to be like Sam. Yes, it would hurt that they would love her too, but would you rather they be treated as if they didn’t matter??? Would you prefer your kids cry that they don’t want to go to their dad’s house because of the lady that doesn’t care and makes them feel bad. You want what is best for your children, not your ego.
How do other blended families out there handle their children’s special events (performances, graduations, etc.) when the family isn’t yet at a point that they can all sit together?
I appreciated reading your article. Parenting is a challenge and I find that being a step parent is even tougher! I have an amazing 6 y/o stepdaughter I love with all my heart and a biological 8 month old son. I find that I am constantly confused about my role in my step daughter’s life. I love her like my own and am fortunate enough to spend the most time with her (she lives with us), but don’t pretend to be her mother. I struggle with what to call her (daughter vs stepdaughter) and have asked her what she’d like me to call her. While she is only 6, I feel like she and I can have reasonable conversations about the subject. I constantly remind her how much her dad, mom, and I love her and work hard at recognizing my role to be second string. I think when it comes to comparing my relationship with her verses my son the big difference isn’t in the feelings I have for each of them, but rather a security in my role as a mom to my son. My husband, his ex-wife, and I are all on good terms which I think makes the situation as easy as it possibly can be. I trust that as long as I can continue to recognize my boundaries as a step mom and operate with highest good intentions our family will flourish.
Hi Samantha!
I’m a step-mother and I too was raised in a divorced household. I grew up with my birth-mother hating my step-mother. There was really no reason to her hate, she just didn’t like another woman helping take care of us. This always caused tension between the households. It was plain as day that she had no basis for not liking my step-mom. Although I knew exactly what was going on, I would have never said anything at that time.
Parents should know better. They should know it makes it hard on their children. However sometimes they just can’t help themselves.
Samantha, you are loving these children. There is nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to explain yourself. You are not their Mother, you know this. It’s funny because if you were they wouldn’t be the wonderful kids you love. These are your children. Just as we are all God’s children.
Keep doing what you’re doing. All will be well.
M
Samantha – yes the children will love you – it seems they already do. As a child of divorce, I’m so blessed to have a stepmom and step dad.
I’m not bothered by the fact that you love your fiancee’s children. I think that’s very nice actually, and I am happy they feel secure and loved by you.
I do, however, think it’s really creepy that you call them your first babies. They are their mother’s first babies. Not yours. If I got divorced and a woman my husband was engaged to said that my daughter was her “first baby” I think I would go postal. You can love them exactly the same as your biological children when you have them, and I totally believe that you will, but have some boundries. It makes you sound really immature.
I truly appreciate all of the supportive comments AND the comments that offer a different opinion! It’s nice to know that so many others believe in, simply, love. There is nothing more important in this world than love and when it comes to children, there’s absolutely no question about how high of a priority love should be. I can see where it would bother some to have me say “my first born”, but I literally mean they were the first born. They are the oldest of, hopefully, a few more children and that is all I meant by that.
This is the sentance that bothered me:
“A new baby will have a picture in a frame on my desk, right between my two oldest babies. My first babies. My little boy and my little girl”
This isn’t a sentance about birth order and “literally meaning they were first born” and you know it. You are calling them YOUR first babies. They aren’t yours. Their mother is kind enough and strong enough to share them with you, but at the end of the day, they are HER first babies. Boundries is what I am talking about, and you need to find some. I would be livid at this sentance if these were my children.
My husband refers to my son as his first kid. His parents call him their oldest grandchild. I firmly believe he has the right to call him his first child, he is an equal parent to him. He comforts him, plays with him, teaches him, pays for his things. The only thing that is different about what my husband does with my son and what his bio-dad does is that he got half his DNA from his bio-dad.
Thank you, Kat. The kids’ mom married a great guy who had one girl already and then together, they have had a little boy. I know that if asked, Chloe and Trey are his two middle child, his second oldest girl and his first boy. My fiance would have no problem with the kids’ stepdad saying that Trey was his first son or Chloe was his second baby. It’s all about loving and accepting the kids as your own and I don’t think I’m crossing any boundaries. I take Chloe to school in the mornings when she is with us, but if someone was to say “Are you Chloe’s mother?” I would answer with no, I’m her stepmother. But if someone says “Oh your little girl is so cute! Is she your oldest?” I would proudly say yes she is and I don’t think Chloe’s mother would mind that at all.
Samantha- Please come check out noonesthebitch.com or join us on the facebook page, where work out how the ex-wife and stepmom can get along. We confront the things you’re seeing in the comments head-on with respect for both sides. It’s a wonderful community and resource for anyone in our situation.
yes i know been there it was a whole roller coster but not like this read here go check it out http://is.gd/Yo5fib
I hope my husband and I never get a divorce because I don’t think I would deal with another “mom” in my children’s life well at all. I appreciate the sentiment here, and I definitely believe that children can never have too much love or too many people pulling for them, but I have to agree with some other posters here. As the biological mother of my children, who has been a stay at home mom for nearly three years, given up my career, social life, and at times my sanity to care for these children, having someone else call them their first children would piss me off. I am the one who sat up with them when they were sick and let them like on me. I was the one who got pooped on when diapers exploded. They have my sms, and I was the one who went through 9 months of depriving myself of caffeine to grow them. I was also the one who had major surgery to get them safely into this world and caught a major infection doing so. Again, I think it’s wonderful if step parents have a good relationship with the children. The kids should feel comfortable and loved in one of their own homes. And kids should definitely have respect for the adults who love and care for them. If I were in this position, I would encourage my children to be respectful and have a healthy relationship with their step-mom as much as it might kill me. But since when did loving a kid suddenly mean they are yours? So everyone who lives my kids can just claim them? So I guess it’s okay for my mom, my aunt, my best friend, our neighbor to all just claim my kids. I mean, they love them and help with them some… no there definitely is a boundary.
P.s. sorry, didn’t realize there were so many typos. Guess that’s what I get for posting from my cell phone.
I know I’m posting waaay too much here, but I realize my last post was a bit harsh. I think it’s absolutely wonderful that you feel that way about them. There really isn’t a better way you could feel in the position your in. I myself have felt this way for a child I didn’t give birth to. my brother had a daughter that he was not able to raise and they left her to an aunt on her mother’s side of the family. It was very difficult for me for a long time. I loved her like my own and often wished she was. But there has to be a disconnect between your heart and brain. They have a mother already who loves them, which makes it a difficult position all around. my initial post was from a bio mom’s emotional point of view on the subject. Okay, I’m done. lol no more trouble from me.
I’m with you PGC and Teresa. Lots of backpeddling and explaining going on from the writer. maybe that’ what she meant in the first place but that’s not what she originally said.
I have two step-children and my husband and I also have a daughter (and possibly one on the way). My husband and I were living together for 2 years before our daughter came along, and I felt exactly the same way as you, samantha. Being a step-mother can definitely be difficult, but I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with my step-children. I have called them mine for a very long time. When talking to my husband, I refer to them as “our kids”. When talking to other ppl, I say “my kids”. As a step-mother, I definitely think it’s important to love your step-children as your own, and be the best mom you can be for them. As a biological mother, I can definitely understand how upsetting and difficult it would be to have another woman in my kids’ lives, playing the “mommy” role. However, it is always best if the biological mother and step-mother can get along and respect each other. After all, it’s best for the step-mother to love the children, then to hate or resent them, right? It’s better to be glad that your children’s step-mother loves them and treats them well, then to send your children to their father’s house, knowing that their step-mother is mean to them and that they hate to be around her.
I hope that my husband and I never get a divorce because I would hate to have to share any of my children with another woman. But life moves on, that’s something we all must accept. If you and your husband get a divorce, you both have to move on at some point. Which most often includes getting into a relationship with someone else. So all you can do as the biological parent is make the best of the situation. Your children should always come first, above your own feelings. As long as your children are happy and loved, that’s all that should matter. It doesn’t mean that the situation wouldn’t be hard, but it would mean that you’re been a mature parent by sucking it up and behaving in a way that is best for your children.
And I do believe that it’s okay for the step-mother or step-father to refer to their step-children as their own. I think that Samantha has it exactly right: If asked straight out if you’re their mother (or father), it’s important to make the distinction that you’re the step-parent. However, if someone comments “your daughter is so cute!”, I definitely believe it’s okay to just accept the compliment. Besides, strangers don’t need to know your whole life story, and it could potentially hurt the child’s feelings to hear their step-parent say “oh, she’s not my daughter”. Like it or not, the step-parent has an active role in the child’s life and fills that parent role while they’re with their other parent. Does that mean you’re not allowed to feel upset or hurt in any way? Of course not. You’re entitled to feel anything that you feel. It’s how you handle it that matters, and how you look at it.
As a mother and stepmother about to turn 40, I’d like to add a few things: 1. Expecting a stepmother to love children like they’re her own but to keep to a set of rules to keep their mother from feeling insecure…well, that’s cruel. “Love the kids, but not too much. We wouldn’t want them getting as attached to you as they are to their beloved, sainted mother.” Give me a friggin’ break. 2. Kids will love anyone who shows them kindness, care, compassion, and love. They’ll even love biological parents who abuse them. They KNOW who their mother and father are, no matter how many people come into their lives and love them. 3. It doesn’t matter how much you went through giving birth or caring for a child. That doesn’t elevate you to some saintly status. Children don’t ask to be born. They have nothing to do with the fact that you almost died having them, or that you stayed up all night with them. When you have a child, you take a risk to your health, sanity, finances, social life, etc. That doesn’t make you more important than someone else who comes along and cares for your child as much as you do. Perhaps if people stopped having children so they could “have someone to love them unconditionally” we’d stop seeing so many women who go ballistic when their exes find another woman and introduce her to “my precious babies I gave up so much for.” 4. I have three children and one stepchild. My SC’s mother has made life hell for me and my husband (and my own children). It’s very possible that she has a personality disorder (as many BMs who cause so much trouble do). I have almost nothing to do with my SC. Everything I do and say to the child becomes something she uses as a club to beat my husband with and to deny him any extra time with his child, and even the time he gets in the order. I feel bad for the kid, I really do, but I have tried to get along and it did no good. My own children have had a SM and I loved that she referred to them as hers. She came into their lives when she was 20 years old. She loved them like they were her own, and I thought of her as their other mother. They knew that if something happened to me that she would take care of them and that they would be ok. Sadly she and their father divorced, but she still keeps in touch with them. Their father is dating someone else, and they are much older now, so they may not get as attached to her but perhaps they can have a good bond with her too. They know that they can love other people, and that I won’t feel threatened. Can you imagine the burden that would be to a child? I can’t love anyone else, or mommy will be sad. Um…emotional abuse right there.
my buddy’s step-mother makes $75/hour on the computer. She has been laid off for 10 months but last month her pay was $9096 just working on the computer for a few hours. Go to this web site http://goo.gl/5kjiI
Unsecured Business Loans are an effective way to easy and hassle free finance for starting a company or expanding it.
http://www.fundfactor.com
Samantha, I believe your take on being a part of raising those two children is spot on. My mother is a child of divorce and had step-parents(step-fathers) in her life that didn’t look at her as anything but a nuisance, just someone to “put up” with. To make matters worse her biological parents were a nightmare, caring more about themselves than the children they created. Her one saving grace is my grandmother, her stepmother, who created a sense of love and belonging for her. What do you negative commentors think about that situation? All you selfish and insecure mothers out there need to take a good look at yourselves and figure out where all this hatred and aggressivness is coming from. These negative comments sound like something my biological grandmother would say, because she was a jealous, selfish, insecure, and vindictive person. If you looked past YOUR insecurities with YOUR life and instead focused on the GOOD Samantha brings to HER life you might just have a change of heart. I know too many people who have uninvolved biological parents to agree with your rants this author’s life choices. All in all Sam is another mother figure to these kids, like it or not ( and I love it!)!