Should Kids Have Best Friends?
The counselor at my child’s school recently hosted a lunch for all the girls in the 3rd grade. She used the opportunity to talk to the kids about their social lives. Specifically, she warned them of the pitfalls of forming cliques and encouraged them to avoid pairing off into groups.
Her attitude toward exclusive friendships is one that is being echoed around the country. Worried about the bullying and the social ostracizing that can sometimes result when kids pair off, teachers and other professionals who work with children are trying to discourage relationships that exclude others.
Encouraging kids to be inclusive is a good idea. But don’t all kids need a BFF with whom to share their innermost secrets, fears and feelings? Christine Laycob, a counselor at a school in St. Louis, thinks not.
“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that. We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”
But as much as schools would rather not deal with the fallout of exclusive friendships, most kids want that connection with one special friend. In fact, a Harris Interactive poll of nearly 3,000 8- to 24-year-olds revealed that 94% of respondents report having at least one close friend.
And many psychologists believe that is just as it should be. Close childhood friendships lay the foundation for healthy adult relationships and teach kids how to fight, make up and empathize with one other. On the flip side, they also teach kids how to deal with rejection.
Michael Thompson, a psychologist and author of the book “Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children,” questions the motivation of educators who discourage kids from forming such relationships.
When a teacher is trying to tone down a best-friend culture, I would like to know why. Is it causing misery for the class? Or is there one girl who does have friends but just can’t bear the thought that she doesn’t have as good a best friend as another? That to me is normal social pain. If you’re mucking around too much in the lives of kids who are just experiencing normal social pain, you shouldn’t be.”
As much as it pains me to see my own child in tears after being snubbed by a group of classmates, I agree with Thompson. Adults spend a lot of time and energy trying to make life perfect for kids. This, I fear, robs them of the admittedly painful but character building experiences that will make them stronger and help them survive in the adult world where there are no relationship referees.
As a parent, it is often hard to resist the urge to get involved when my child feels sad, lonely or left out. But unless there is bullying or emotional abuse going on, I do resist. Instead of trying to manipulate and orchestrate her relationships, I counsel her on the importance of being kind to everyone, standing up for herself when she’s been wronged and, most importantly, recognizing that her sense of self-worth must come from within.
Image: wickenden/Flickr
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As social beings, we need acceptance and inclusion in groups. However, in order for that inclusion to be meaningful, the groups must be somehow exclusionary. A non-exclusive group is nothing.
Kids should be encouraged to be nice, to be considerate and kind, to be open to people who are different from them. But that doesn’t mean they should not seek the company of others who share things in common, and also maintain the coherence of those groups.
I bet those counselors and teachers have best friends…
Um, I HOPE my children exclude SOME of the kids at their school- the little bullies, manipulators, drama queens, arsonists, druggies, drinkers, and cheaters for starters. Sheesh! QUIT trying to parent my children! Cause you know what? There are some kids my children are FORBIDDEN association- and you will NOT usurp my authority on those matters.
GO Miki! I agree. While everyone deserves a chance, I do no want my own child’s safety to be in question because of someone else’s behavior.
Is the quoted counselor referring to that weird mentality (I’ve only seen it in girls, but maybe boys do this too) that if you have a best friend, you can only hang out with that person and no one else ever? I knew a few girls who practically couldn’t breathe properly if their best friend wasn’t sitting next to them. That is unhealthy and should be discouraged. But if we’re talking about BFFs who just love to hang out together, research shows it is good! Less depression, lower risk of suicide, etc.
Comments
I think Laura is on the right track about the kids who are either BFF or fighting and not speaking. When they are BFF, they only play with each other and not only exclude the other girls but are very mean to them. When they fight, they become “friends” with other kids in order to get in them middle of the fight and make them chose sides. With only 8 girls in her 3rd grade class, it’s hard to keep out of all the drama, but I tell my daughter to keep away from both the girls whether or not they are her friend this week. Unfortunately, she was good friends with one of the girls before she became half of a BFF and my daughter doesn’t understand why the other girl treats her so mean sometimes.
Christine Laycob:
Ms. Stout used two unrelated quotes from my 30-minute discussion with her in February 2010 to come across as if I advocated against the concept of best friends in middle school and high school.
During my interview, I told Ms. Stout there is nothing wrong with middle and high school students having best friends. To the contrary, strong bonds between best friends can last a lifetime. I do not discourage or intrude upon best friend relationships – I recommend to parents that they work with their children on how to avoid “toxic” or “overly possessive” best friendships, where, for example, a friend might say “You’re my best friend so you cannot be friends with anyone else but me!”
Parents often contact me when they are concerned their children lack a best friend. I reassure them that it is perfectly normal for students to have groups of friends and that the absence of a best friend is not a cause for concern. I do not think my role is to find best friends for students, nor is my role to break up such bonds amongst students. As a school counselor, I encourage students to engage in all such friendships that have a positive impact on their middle school years.
I was quoted in an article on the cover of the Style Section of the New York Times on Thursday, June 17, 2010 entitled “A Best Friend? You Must be Kidding” by Hillary Stout. Ms. Stout used two unrelated quotes from my 30-minute discussion with her in February 2010 to come across as if I advocated against the concept of best friends in middle school and high school. The topic of best friends was not the focus of the interview; it was addressed as part of a general discussion about the different aspects of a middle school counselor’s duties.
During my interview, I told Ms. Stout there is nothing wrong with middle and high school students having best friends. To the contrary, strong bonds between best friends can last a lifetime. I do not discourage or intrude upon best friend relationships – I recommend to parents that they work with their children on how to avoid “toxic” or “overly possessive” best friendships, where, for example, a friend might say “You’re my best friend so you cannot be friends with anyone else but me!”
Parents often contact me when they are concerned their children lack a best friend. I reassure them that it is perfectly normal for students to have groups of friends and that the absence of a best friend is not a cause for concern. I do not think my role is to find best friends for students, nor is my role to break up such bonds amongst students. As a school counselor, I encourage students to engage in all such friendships that have a positive impact on their middle school years.
This describes my brief discussion with Ms. Stout relating to “best friends”. Please understand only a small portion of my comments were actually used in the article, and they were used by Ms. Stout specifically to create the slant and argument Ms. Stout desired.
This is a horrible thing. Not everyone is an extrovert, and interested in having tons of people around. Introversion is not a personality disorder, it is not bad, it is not negative at all. Some people are introverts and prefer a close relationship with a few people and some people enjoy having a herd of acquaintances. I wish these people would stop making out that those who are introverted have something wrong with them. We don’t. We’re just who we are. Yes, we have more problems in school because we’re not as social. We also often get better grades because we focus on school and doing well, and not partying or clothes or the latest gossip.”
Words cannot express my frustration at schools trying to force excess socialisation of those who don’t like being in those situations, and will not, in their own lives, choose to be in them. I would have been perfectly happy to not have had to talk to anyone ever in highschool. Does it make me a bad person or a cruel person? No. Does it make me an introvert? Yes. And like millions of other introvert children–billions all over the world–that’s okay.