Social Media Rules for New Parents

You sleep in two-hour chunks, you run on the kind of ecstatic fatigue that brings revelations as surprising as the frequent spit-ups on your shoulder, and you are pretty sure that no baby has ever been as perfect as your offspring. You have become a parent, and you need to share all the things that are currently blowing your mind and heart wide open. We get the impulse to share Jackson’s first flag day on Facebook, but try to remember your friends without kids. Rather than permanently alienate their affections, follow these 5 simple rules for social media ...

Do not share details of your baby’s bathroom habits

Must we contribute to the decline of public discourse by adding our musings on the scent, color and appearance of our children’s bowel movements? No matter how LOL or LMFAO these delightful potty blasts may be, they are still, in the end, IAAPPU (I’m An Adult Posting Poop Updates).

Do not post your every action

I know someone who regularly posts updates like: “Folded laundry, gave DS a bath, cleaned house, made pot roast, and enjoyed a glass of wine with DH. Whew!” Sweet Jesus, woman, shut it. I don’t go around tweeting: "Bone tired, baby hates me, downed bottle of wine, yelled at husband, cat is dead."

Do not post every photograph ever taken of your child

I ask you, is the demand for photos of little Zelda looking at a piece of bark so great that it demands some 1,200 angles and captions? No, Zelda’s mom’n’dad, no it is not. Try to limit your photographs to the “best of” variety. I realize this is difficult, as curating your child’s cuteness is an almost impossible task (I myself have a toddler whose every encounter with a toy train should merit a photography exhibition), but you must try. Otherwise you risk a Peter and the Wolf scenario, in which you have a truly momentous picture to share — a first walk, a first bike ride, a first bawling with Santa — and no one wants to look at it because they think they’re in for a 200-picture set of your kid staring down a pigeon.

Do not share delivery photographs

"But birthing is a beautiful, natural process that should be celebrated!" you cry indignantly. Well obviously, sweet sister mama, we know that, but they don’t. And though the squeamishness some adults have about labor is hard for the initiated to understand, sharing photos of an enlarged cervix pushing out a human head covered in blood is not likely to open anyone’s mind to the wonders of natural childbirth. It may, in fact, backfire. Good rule of thumb: If you think that your 14-year-old nephew might not be into taking a Mafia Wars break in order to look at photos of your lady-business, keep those placenta pics on lockdown.

Do take an interest in others’ social networking

If you expect your friends to recognize sheer undeniable brilliance in your toddler’s ability to say "shoeshoeshoe," then you need to praise their little "earned my doctorate," or "got the MacArthur Genius Grant" moments. It probably makes their lives feel less empty. Showing an interest in other people’s children is also key to the whole quid-pro-quo kid appreciation equation. Take a moment to type, "He is the cutest," or "I want to eat him up with a spork," and you will have made an insecure, blinded-by-love new parent’s entire day.