Was I on Prozac Because of My Kids?
Was I on Prozac because of my kids?
Cereal, milk, gummy vitamin. Toast, OJ, vitamins, Prozac.
As I laid out our respective breakfasts, my inquisitive 4-year-old glanced at the pile of pills on my placemat.
“What’s that one?” she asked, her mouth full of Cheerios.
“Vitamin D. It helps keep me healthy, especially in winter.”
“And that one?”
“Fish oil. It’s good for my hair, my nails, and my brain.”
“What about the little white one?” She pointed to the tiny anti-depressant. I paused.
“That’s also for my brain. It … it helps me.”
What I couldn’t say to my daughter – yet – was that that little anti-depressant has made it possible for me to love being a stay-at-home mother.
I have been fortunate enough to be a SAHM for almost five years. During that time I’ve struggled with many common SAHM identity crises: Who am I if I’m not employed? Will I be able to get a job when my kids don’t need me so much? What legacy will I leave behind besides my children? And then, last year, I added a new one: Am I depressed because I am a stay-at-home mother? And if that’s true, what are my options?
When I made the decision to stay home with my first daughter over five years ago, it felt like the only right decision for me. But last year, five years into being a SAHM, there I was, depressed. Getting a job – something I plan on doing when my children are older – seemed like an obvious solution. I seriously considered it, having done it before, when my first child was a toddler. But I didn’t want to miss this time with my kids, and I feared it would lead to having the worst of both worlds – straddling home and work and not excelling in either.
Other times I wondered if all I really needed was respect for what I do. If at-home motherhood was an esteemed profession, surely I would feel great about my choice, right? But in my suburban bubble, where privileged mothers expend enormous energy trying to be worthy of their precious children, elevation of motherhood to a profession is a double-edged sword. Of course we deserve respect for all we do, as there can be few jobs as relentless, demanding, messy, and important as stay-at-home motherhood. But by making it a profession are we placing too much pressure on ourselves – not to mention our children – to excel at something that is implicitly riddled with imperfection?
For me, the fractured nature of primary caregiving – with its constant interruptions, the inherent inability to focus on one’s own needs, and numerous demands often made by two screaming little people – was the perfect recipe for depression. Or maybe it just revealed how perilously close to the edge I’ve always been.
On good days, I dreamed up crafts, constructed obstacle courses, researched behavior issues, cooked healthy meals, and spent lots of time on the floor, just being with my children. I felt honored and so very fortunate to be their first teacher, their best advocate, their primary everything. On bad days, and there were many in the last year, I barely played with my kids, sneaked excessive amounts of reading and chocolate, and basically felt like the entire day was a race to the solace of bedtime.
Admittedly, the last few years have been unusually stressful: we lost two family members suddenly, moved across the country for my husband’s career, had a second child, and watched my dad battle through arduous cancer treatments. Though I’ve always required extra emotional care during times of stress, I’ve also always been able to pull myself through dark moods, until this past year when I tipped over some invisible edge into Not Coping. I began to lose my temper with my children with terrifying intensity and regularity. At night, I wept with defeat and lashed out at my husband when he tried to help. I experimented with every remedy that worked for me in the past – weekly talk therapy and extra fish oil, more sleep and less sugar, calming yoga and purifying cardio – before I finally turned to something I never thought I’d need: Prozac.
I am the type of person who drinks water and stretches my neck for a headache rather than pop a pill, and never before had I considered taking psychopharmaceuticals (which I thought were important and necessary – for other people). But for my kids, I would do, I would try, anything.
Even when I finally saw a doctor, I was hesitant to label myself “depressed,” as I didn’t want to adopt a serious diagnosis – and swallow equally serious medication – when maybe what I really needed was a room of my own for my problem that has no name. Mostly, though, I was in denial, still clinging to one-dimensional Psych 101 images of a depressed person unable to get out of bed. I thought I knew what depression was and I was sure I didn’t have it.
My doctor listened to me carefully, asked some pointed questions about my sleeping, eating, and moods before pointing out the obvious: depression doesn’t always look like my narrow imagination assumed. It isn’t always being unable to get out of bed; it can be getting out of bed muttering obscenities before the day has even begun. It can be clenched teeth and yelling too quickly and tearful apologies. My depression rendered me a very unhappy SAHM. My doctor said: “When other coping strategies aren’t working, it’s time to call in the big guns. Your family deserves it. You deserve it.”
While I’ve never really figured out what exactly brought on my depression, what I do know is this drug helps me immensely. On even the lowest dose, I am a better SAHM; my fuse is noticeably longer, my mood is buoyed and joyful, I am much calmer with my children. I still have moments of frustration, of course, but I can breathe them away, no teeth clenching, no scary yelling, no tearful apologies needed. This can only be a good thing – for all of us.
You know, maybe it’s better for children to have a mother who is happy and fulfilled working out of the home rather than a depressed mother who stays at home.
I’m glad Prozac helped you, but sometimes, depression is situational rather than chemical. I know–I was a depressed SAHM who blossomed once I started FT working outside of the home.
Yeah, my mom started working again when I was 5, and it definitely did wonders for her (although of course I didn’t know it at the time). You’re not doing your children any favors by making yourself miserable. Perhaps working part-time, or freelance writing, or something?
Thank you for sharing your story! Depression is very difficult to talk about. Sometimes going back to work is not quite the right solution yet. Finding something that works is a blessing and I am glad you found it. I know many women who struggle with staying home, even though they believe that they are making the best decision for their children. I struggle with it at times myself, missing work, feeling insufficiently stimulated and lonely. It can be depressing. I have found help in mindfulness meditation, yoga, and walking. It took me a while to find a combination that works. I still have difficult days, but I am more present with my daughter, and more at peace about my life when I take good care of myself. I believe that every womam should do what works for her. The most important thing is to keep searching until you find it.
Good for you for finding a productive, helpful method for coping with the many stresses in this particular time in your life. Your account is probably more common than you know, and it’s never just one thing that leads to a depressive period, so it’s probably only partly about young kids and being at home. Best wishes that this period turns out to be the best one of your life and thanks for sharing.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Hooray for you! I am proud to be related to you.
love, love, love
Bravo!
It is so brave and such a gift to all of us for this writer to speak so frankly about depression.
I like the “fractured nature of primary caregiving” part!
you don’t suck and I like you. Seriously, great post. Love the zero stigma approach to this real thing so many of us are faced with.
As a new mom who is working part-time, and who has suffered with mild depression for many years before my child was born, this piece really resonated with me. A race to “the solace of bedtime”? Check. Sneaking chocolate and time to read like a teenager might sneak cigarettes? Check. Snapping at the husband? Check. It’s so hard to talk about this subject, both because of the stigma and because it’s just hard to wrap your head around why and how it happens. I’m really grateful to anyone who writes openly about it. Thank you.
Lia and bunnytwenty- I agree that finding a way to be a happy mother is paramount. And I believe I have, by taking medication for depression. I imagine I will work outside the home- possibly sometime quite soon- and that this might help lift some of the stresses that have weighed me down in the past year. But to be happy NOW, when I’ve decided to be at home, is such a gift.
We moved 6 hours from our home in East Tennessee to Central VA last year and with that move I immediately went from “employed full time RN” to “Stay at home mother” and then I became pregnant with our second child. I feel like you are writing my story here. I ended up driving around town 7 months pregnant and in tears with my very-active-and-presently-much-stronger-than-me toddler in the back seat. I ended up being sent directly to the ER. It got better for me after I had our second son, summer rolled around and a job opened up for my husband closer to home.
Great post! Thank you!
Great article Jenna! As someone who has been there (anxiety, not depression) I think you captured it well. The drugs can offer so much relief!
just want to say that a grown woman does not need to “sneak” chocolate or reading and there’s no such thing as too much reading…glad you got help, only you know what you need, but just because someone is a SAHM doesn’t mean they can’t take time during the day, when their kids are awake to do things for themselves that they like
So well written, uplifting and enlightening. You really opened up and it was beautiful. Well done, sis!
Thank you for addressing the image that so many of us carry about depression and mental health issues. There are millions of people in our country living with depression and I think it takes more bravery to face it and take the medication then it does to deny it and continue to hurt ourselves and the people around us. I went from being a FT corporate ladder climber with my first child to a FT SAHM with my second. I discovered that I thought I only had one option or the other, and faced depression in both situations. in the end, I created my own path and built a business that allows me time in both worlds. There is no balance, but I feel like when one suffers they suffer less in this scenario.
Great article!!!!! You go, girl!
You may have opened my eyes to my situation. Thank you for this.
With what you went through the last few years, it’s no wonder you’ve had a rough time! Poor thing! It’s so hard trying to handle all of that stress on top of having little people who need so much from you as well! Ending up depressed would happen to anyone in a situation like that because we only have so much in reserve for the hard times, and even great coping skills only do so much. It’s great that you found the courage to admit that you needed help, and that you found a doctor and a medication that works for you.
Hopefully in time you won’t need it anymore, but in my opinion it’s completely okay for anyone to take psycho-active drugs if they need it.
I had a kind of similar experience after my son was born. I thought I had the basic post-partum depression, but things for me only got worse as time went on, even as I took anti-depressants. I finally found the ability to reach out for help during my darkest days, and started seeing a psychiatric nurse (like a nurse practitioner, they can diagnose and treat, along with prescribe medications). She diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder II, which is a milder form of bipolar disorder marked by having more depression (which is different than unipolar depression) and hypomanic (instead of manic) moods. It took a good two years of treatment before we found the rights meds, and three and a half years of therapy before I was finally considered good to go without monthly appointments! And though my bipolar disorder was triggered by my pregnancy, I know it wasn’t because of my son I got sick, but just one of those things that happened. So I share my story too as often as I can so that other women know they’re not alone and that it’s okay to get psychiatric help if they need it. They’re no less of a mother because of it.
Great article! It is hard to put into words how I have felt since being a SAHM, but you seemed to do a really great job. Thank you for posting this. I am on Zoloft (safest for breastfeeding), but I think I need to switch it up, because its not working as well as in the past.
I was there a few years ago. I’m off the meds, but do still have the occasional rough day. I remind my self not to be too hard on myself and remember to cherish what I have. Thanks for the article! Hang in there. Thongs will get easier.
In response to a previous comment made about depression being situational rather than chemical: All depression is caused by brain chemistry. Those emotions are created by the lack of certain chemicals, however it’s to varying degrees so that sometimes changing one’s situation or finding things that brings one joy works, and sometimes therapy or medication are necessary. I only bring this up because for some women, hearing that all they need to do is change their situation to feel better can be misleading and cause more stress, which leads to more depression. I’m not saying people shouldn’t try changing their situation or try finding something to do that helps them, but everyone should know that if those options don’t help, it’s okay. At that point the person may need therapy or medication to give them a leg up, and that’s perfectly fine.
There is absolutely no shame in having depression, no matter what degree you have it. And there is no shame in whatever way you find to cope with it (as long as it’s productive rather than destructive).
I really resonate with a lot of the things you are talking about…I just thought I had anger issues/patterns of behavior from growing up with a verbally abusive father + situational stresses (moving 7 times in 4 years, incl. 2 cross country moves, while pregnant or with a newborn, etc.) but there really may be some depression there too. I feel like I haven’t felt feelings of hopelessness and sorrow as much as I used to, just general short fuse, bitchiness, and anger over situations I can’t control. I think for me seeing a therapist would really help out a lot. Thanks for writing this, it’s opened up my eyes for sure. There is nothing I want to be doing full time but being a SAHM, but I am being interviewed to be the worship leader at our church (10 hr/wk commitment) plus doing a lot more crafting. Getting creative helps me feel like a person with things of substance to do, not just a poop cleaner and personal pb&j chef. I know that being home with my littles is the most important thing I can do for them, but I would really like to not be such a cranky/emotionally unavailable person for them and my husband!!
Thank you for this post…I totally understand your perspective….and I am right there with you
Alicia Melton Rogers- Thank you for your comments! I agree- I think that telling women their depression is “only situational” often adds a layer of self-blame, because clearly, if they did a few things differently, they’d be just fine! Personally, I got to the point where it didn’t matter exactly why I was depressed, it only mattered that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
kat- I know this isn’t true for everyone, but for me, irrational, overreactive anger was the biggest clue that I had a problem. I wasn’t any more weepy than I’ve always been, but I was much more easily annoyed and frustrated. I’m convinced that parenting two small children can bring out the temper in pretty much anyone, but mine was above what I feel is reasonable and manageable. Good luck finding your path toward being a happy mom, however you get there.
My son is now 2. About almost a month after he was born, I started to feel tired (not that normal “I haven’t slept much b/c I have a newborn tired). I started to feel achy like I was sick. I started to not want to get up during the night and feed my son. I started to cry for no reason. My husband had taken like 2 weeks off to be with us and I was dreading for him to go back to work. That’s when I started to think about hurting myself (not my son). I completely shut down and I stopped caring about myself.
My husband, son, and myself went to my doc about depression. All this time, I was totally in denial. “No way, I’m okay. I don’t need help,” but inside I was screaming, “OMG! How am I going to care of my son if I can’t care for myself? HELP ME!!!!” I guess I was too proud to really admit for help. After being put on PROZAC and now LEXAPRO, I’m better. MUCH better. Yes, there are still horrible days when I just want to cry for no reason and not even get out of bed, but they are less and few in between. I am thankful for my little white pill that is still helping to this day.
Thank you. I am a better mom (and all around person) on my meds.
It’s as if you erad my situation. This article is my experience, my life, to a T. I was sure I had something OTHER than depression, and went in for thyroid testing, but I *just* have depression. Taking anti-depressants isn’t something I ever thought I’d do, but it makes me a much happier mother.
wow! wish we lived near each other! we have so much in common, the moving across the country w/ husband, the multiple deaths in the family, the reading and the chocolate (daily, for me), and the struggle with the identity of SAHM! having depression and being a SAHM is the worst. sometimes my thoughts go like this- i don’t have a workplace career and i am lucky enough to get to stay at home, but look, i’m a shitty mother and i can’t even do THIS right.
anyway, i have always taken issue with the title of SAHM being termed as a “profession”. yes, SAHMs deserve respect, but being a SAHM is not a profession, it is an occupation or a vocation. i think we shoot ourselves in the feet when we try to make it a profession.
I especially like how you point out that depression can be manifested as anger issues. That is certainly what I am dealing with now. I have 3 kids, my 9 yr old is my step daughter that lives with us, my 5 yr old is my daughter from my 1st marriage, and my 3 month old son with my husband now. I have had sooooo much anger and frustration since my son was born. It mostly centers around my step daughter and is really related to all the things I can’t control when she is with her Mom. But I also get the same anger with my 5 yr old when she is just bored and being a 5 yr old. And I have b*tched my husband out so many nights in the last 3 months it is a wonder he is still married to me. I have been attributing my anger and misery to step parenting and being raised by two angry women (my Mom and my Stepmom) but your article has opened my eyes to the fact that I may actually be depressed. How freeing! Now I can label it and get some real help instead of just hating myself for how awful a parent/stepparent I am. Thank you!
Funny, I became depressed when I became a WOHM. I’m your worst fear embodied: straddling both and excelling at neither. I spend most of my time in a general state of unhappiness because I feel my daughter’s life is passing me by and I am missing it. I hate it. Words can’t describe how much. It is to the point that reading countless essays by SAHM’s about how rough they have it pains me. I say this not to be nasty, but it is an honest feeling; one of which I am not too proud. I suppose this is in contrast to WOHM’s who love their jobs… and that’s not me. My job is great, it’s just that I don’t want to be there. I want to be home. The thing about SAHM’s who write things like this is that somewhere, usually toward the end, they say something about how they wouldn’t trade it for anything. That’s where we differ. I’d trade my situation in a second. To get into the reasons why I can’t would just make this comment unnecessarily long. But suffice it to say that I can’t. It hurts. Terribly.
But reading articles like this also makes me think of another possibility. If I SAH, I may have the exact same issues that these woeful SAHM’s that write these essays have. And I wouldn’t listen to anyone telling me I should get a job to make me happier, because it wouldn’t make me happier. Maybe some of us are just prone to dissatisfaction. Maybe some of us hold ourselves to impossibly high standards no matter what we do. Maybe some of us just belong on Prozac because of who we are and what we do to ourselves… It may seem situational, but it isn’t.
Erin- “Maybe some of us are just prone to dissatisfaction….Maybe some of us belong on Prozac because of who we are and what we do to ourselves.” YES. Just YES.
Jen Saltzman- That depression can manifest mainly as anger issues was a revelation to me. I had other depressive feelings as well but my hair trigger was the biggest reason I sought help. The reasons, causes, and triggers for depression can be debated endlessly – and are entirely complicated and uniquely personal. All I know is I hope every mother finds a way to ease their stress and enjoy their lives more. For me, Prozac plays a big part in helping me in that daily endeavor.
I loved reading this. I have always struggled with depressive episodes as I have bipolar disorder. I feel like every article written like this can squash the terrible stigma against mental illness. It can be treated. I’m so glad you sought help! Good for you
I am very glad you decided to get help. That makes you a real mom not matter if you stay at home or go to work.
Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery to share your story, Jenna. If I had read this before the birth of my first child, I wouldn’t have waited so long to take the medication that helped me so much in those dark days. I would have been a happier mama much sooner.
I’m a working mom and I had the same struggle. Getting on the right medication (and the right dose) was what finally made the difference for me, and it took me 3 years to get there. I was the same as you – I’m not generally big on pills, and I was really resistant to antidepressants. If only I had done it sooner. But it makes me a better mom. So be it.
Hi Jenna, thank yo so much for this article. To be honest with you it made me tear up and it has inspired me to go see a doctor and try to get help.
I too have good days and bad days, until I read this article I had always ignored it when my daughter’s father told me that my days of swearing before I get out of bed were depression, he has never even seen a psychiatrist.
I admitted far too late that I had post partum depression, and I have noticed that since having so many problems with her father, that my parenting for my daughter has not been what I always dreamed that it would be.
I have struggled my whole life with being misdiagnosed and put on all different kinds of medications that made me unable to participate in life or even remember what happened to me.
Reading your story helps me and I’m sure many others to see that depression is a normal thing that its not something to be ashamed of. Thank you for sharing your story I’m sure that I’m not the only mama that this will help.
Thank you
Great piece, and as others have said, kudos to you for sharing your story. It’s so important that depression sufferers (and I’m one, too — bipolar II, like one of your other commenters) talk openly to de-stigmatize this issue, which affects so many women.
As is the case with you, my depression often manifests — usually before it gets really bad — as anger / temper with my kids, which I hate. My patience goes out the window, and I have no emotional reserves to deal with them. Medication (which I’ve had to tweak periodically) is a life saver. It allows me to be myself — and part of who I am is someone who enjoys being a mom, even if I’m not always perfect at it.
Best of luck to you and your family!
Jenna, You continue to inspire and guide me! The stimgma around medication and motherhood is only broken when we share our stories. Your gift for words makes you an excellent spokeswoman for us all. Please keep writng, Friend!
Jenna: what a great article. So many of us moms have battled this disease and by opening the “can of worms” we help and strengthen each other. Why is it so shameful that sometimes our brains do not work right and need a little help to work properly. What a gift you are giving your family!
Hmmm, I’ve been thinking for a while now that maybe I need to see a counselor and/or medication, but it makes me feel weak. I don’t like the thought of being mediated, but the truth is that I have my dream “job” right now. i always wanted to be a sahm if/when I had children, but I’ve never been so angry and frustrated in my life. I live them and I’m not sorry that I chose to stay home, but I feel like I’m in a never ending panic attack. I wonder if my blood pressure isn’t through the roof. I used to work a full time job, part time job, take a college class, flight lessons and still made time for a social life. I took pride in taking care of myself and all I did. Again, I love my children and I’m a great mom but staying at home is by far, harder than working two jobs, school and anything else I’ve ever done. More rewarding too, but maybe I need to stop looking at it like a weakness to get help and realize that it will make my children and I enjoy our time together so much more.
Dear nobody- I agree, staying home can be incredibly challenging, no matter how much you love it and want to be there. I think that the answer is different for everyone. For me, it’s a constantly worked-on combination of exercise, talk therapy and medication. For others, medication might not be necessary. For still others, the key might be paid employment.
I hope you find your path toward a balanced, happy life as a mother. Reach out and talk to a trusted doctor; it makes you strong, not weak to ask for help. No one should feel like they are in a “never-ending panic attack”. To paraphrase my doctor: You deserve better. Your children and family deserve better. Good luck.
I applaud your honesty. It amazes me, in the 21st century, how much stigma still exists around mood disorders which affect so many of us–myself included. I think taking medication, as long as it’s indicated, is the responsible thing to do, especially when not taking meds can negatively impact kids. Great piece.
P.S. I also wish my mother had taken medication. She was a wonderful woman but we were all at the mercy of her moods and I spent a lot of my childhood tiptoeing around her and feeling responsible for her crying jags.
Thought it woudln’t to give it a shot. I was right.
Jenna: Good for you for taking care of yourself. I have personally been down, certainly, but I have never battled depression. My sister, however, has. She struggles with such serious depression that she recently tried to take her own life. I believe her depression is a disability, her brain is wired wrong, and she has a very hard time coping with the difficulties of life. It does not sound like your depression is nearly as serious, thank goodness, but depression itself is very serious, in any form. It is hard for people like me, who don’t struggle with it, to understand but the more we receive education, the more we can help those around us who face this terrible thing. My sister has tried working, she has tried staying home (she has two kids), and she tried working part time. None of these things have changed the reality of her brain. But we remain hopeful.
So many good ideas and thoughts,I had no need seemingly to be depressed,no divorce/kids etc but the cloud had descended twice in last few years.I knew the symptoms after the first time.Its such a debilatating thing,draining,no clear thinking etc.
Dot xx
“While I’ve never really figured out what exactly brought on my depression, what I do know is this drug helps me immensely.” This is the same notion that runs through an alcoholic’s or illicit drug user’s mind when they drink or get high; antidepressants are a way to cover up depression, not treat it. Having struggled with depression myself throughout my life – and for a while trying to mask it with Prozac, that cure-all of affluent caucasion suburbia – I have finally discovered that depression is your body and mind’s way of telling you that all is not well in your life. There is a reason you are depressed, and if you are not willing to search deep enough within yourself to discover this reason and correct it, you will remain either medicated or depressed for the rest of your life.
Just A Girl- I disagree with your comparison and I think it’s a dangerous one – while an addict might use drugs or alcohol in a desperate and imprecise attempt to self-medicate their mental illness, I am using medication, while in the care of a doctor, to allow me to make the changes I need to make in order to be a happier, healthier person. I would never say medication is a “cure-all” for me. Medication has buoyed my mood enough for all my other efforts to have an effect. Prozac tipped the scales in a positive direction, that is all. But that is still something to be grateful for.
It seems to me as if you expected life as a stay-at-home mother to be a prescription for fulfillment. I had my first (and only) child nearly five years ago after being happily married and childless for nearly 20 years. To say that my life changed drastically is an extreme understatement. I spent the first 8 months caring for an infant who rarely slept and screamed nonstop. Together with preparing meals and housework, exhaustion was the order of each day. My husband worked between 12 and 14 hours per day so he could assist but little. However, it was about what I expected when I found I was pregnant. I had no illusions, and was therefore not disappointed. Each year got easier and better, and I spent less time exhausted, angry, and frustrated. Stay-at-home motherhood was never meant to be the rose-tinted path that modern young mothers try to make it. But it’s the path that ALL mothers are meant to take. When I was in elementary school in the 70′s, only 3 children in the school had mothers who worked outside the home, and they were all widows. Now, I believe the opposite is the case. We have only to look at the direction society has gone in the last 35 years to see how very wrong this is. It’s not important that you’re happy about staying home with your children or that you’re a perfect mother, it’s the fact that you ARE staying home with them. If you focus on that, you’ll find chemical crutches aren’t really needed.
I agree I had my fourth child 3 weeks ago and I know I nees to be back on medication, but I really want to continue breastfeeding. My fuse is short and my poor husband gets the brunt of my mood swings. I honestly don’t know how he deals with it. I’ve been delaying scheduling an appointment to see my therapist because I know she will start the issue of me getting back on my meds. My depression has taken my to dark places and I don’t want to go back there. I still can’t help but think that the medicine doesn’t help. I can’t help but feel that my family is better off without me.. I am so tired going through this endless cycle. I am glad the medication is helping you. I hope one day I will be able to say the same thing.
Rita- I definitely think that my expectations for motherhood were uninformed, but I think it’s the rare woman who goes into motherhood knowing exactly what she’s getting. How can you, when every baby, mother and situation is so different? I struggled with depression as a SAHM for reasons that I’m still teasing apart, but I know that they were multi-faceted and not so easily solved. My solution was not just leaning a “chemical crutch”, rather it is the combination of therapy, exercise, self-care, community building, AND medication. Thankfully, medication made all the other tactics more effective. I was more open to building a community here once my mood lifted. I was able to exercise with more gusto – and focus on my self and my needs – once I felt worthy. Being home was exactly where I wanted to be, at this time. I just needed help enjoying it once I got here.
T2381- I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug, and possibly a night off. Three weeks postpartum is a hazy memory for me but I remember enough to know it’s a hormonal rollercoaster, fueled by sleepless nights and draining responsibilities. Your sentence “I can’t help feeling that my family is better off without me” made me gasp with recognition – and concern. I felt the same way. I wanted to run away and I daydreamed about how happy my husband and children would be with a different woman in my role. *I* wanted to be a different woman. I was so tired of feeling so lousy. Please, please see your doctor, and if you don’t like her, find another one. There are many mothers who breastfeed while on anti-depressant medication, a good doctor will help you make a decision that factors in your whole family’s needs. That includes you. Good luck.
Very nice article
Jenna – Thanks so much for sharing your story. I became a stay at home mom due to downsizing rather than by choice. While I love being home with my daughter, it can be incredibly difficult to feel out of touch with the friends and colleagues I left behind. Since becoming a mom, I’ve learned to be much less judgmental of others. As moms, we’re all just trying to the best for ourselves and our kids. Kudos to you for finding what works best for your family!
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What a great article! I suffered with depression, trying to be a good mom to four beautiful children. When I would explain to my husband what I was going through, he would tell me to get more exercise, eat healthier, etc. He felt strongly against antidepressants. I do believe that it does help your mental state when you take care of the physical. Needing antidepressants is almost like a diabetic needing insulin. Our brains are not producing what we need in order to be mentally healthy. I finally made the call for help after hearing an ad on the car radio for Cymbalta. It described my horrible feelings and symptoms. I do not take Cymbalta or Prozac, but I am very thankful to the Eli Lilly Company for their ad. I am a better mom, wife, friend because I have found the right medication. I still have a bad day every so often, but doesn’t everybody? Thanks Jenna for sharing your very well written article. I believe you have helped a lot of women.
God do we ever need to share these things with each other! Anti depressants should not be a matter of shame for anyone. I had visions of nurturing my kids in a way I had never been; but reality is never what one imagines. In retrospect, I suspect that I had a mild case of postpartum depression after my first child, but was able to soldier on while telling myself how lucky I was to be able to stay home with my child without the worries of daycare. Child 2 arrived only 20 months later, and my feelings were so dark and profound I couldn’t even discuss them with my husband for a long time. Anti depressants made a world of difference when I finally sought help, but beware of the side effects: many doctors minimize just how difficult they can be.I went through almost every one that was then on the market,(a few now banned),before I found one that got me through this time. I would caution all new mothers: however much you are in love with your children, DO NOT stay out of the job market too long!! The reality is a few years away makes you seem antiquated no matter how much you attempt to make yourself relevant. Unless you are independently wealthy, accept that all the degrees and experience in the world mean nothing after only a couple years. Longer, and it’s even worse. I have already started to tell my daughter that she should never opt to stay home with any children she may plan to have for an extended period of time. Society in America has no real respect for stay at home mom types. I think that is where the stresses that often are precursors to depression first manifest. While I am glad for sake of my children that I stayed home to be “mom extraordinaire” for many years, I did myself a great disservice in the process. To sublimate the needs of oneself to the needs of others also eventually leads to depression much the way being a parent can. My plea to all moms is to remember yourself. When your kids are little and when they grow as well. You cannot be the loving and supportive mom you want to be if you disregard yourself and your needs as an individual.
For years and years I fought taking any medicine. Then came the bomb shell. Death of a child, followed by a cheating husband and then divorce. If it hadn’t been for that little helper call Prozac I really don’t know what I would have done. Finding help via an antidepressant is healthy.
Amazing article…your words speak the truth:) Keep on keepin’ on Mamma:)
I have dealt with depression for a very long time. I have dealt with eating disorders, family members with alcoholism, physically/emotional abuse. I was anti-depressants for over 12 years. Then I became pregnant with my son, and my entire life changed. I did not want to work, a decision I made even before I had children because I never saw my parents growing up. They worked all the time. I was thankful for the most part because I was raised by my grandparents and loved them so much. But there was always a part of me that yearned for my mom and dad. I stopped taking the pills last fall because I felt so much better, and I still do. I do not believe it’s a sign of weakness to take them, nor do I feel women should feel bad about the stresses of being a SAHM. It’s a tough job, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Thank you. I started taking prozac when I was 5 months pregnant. Now 2 years later I have upped my dosage of prozac and am taking wellbutrin and trazadole. I have started seeing a psychiatrist and have an appointment to see a counselor for talk therapy. I am a better person and mother for getting the help I need do myself and my family. You described the feelings perfectly in your blog. I laxk the motivation to play with my daughter or even take care of my home. I could sleep all day and night and had a hard time finding the joy in life. Now that I am working on me, there is a huge change in my life, my family’s life and my home. Thank you for sharing and best wishes for peace and happiness!
i really believe this story is mine…
Wish I could sympathize but I have friends who are working 2-3 jobs to support their child and would KILL to be a stay at home mom. Why don’t you try doing that for a week and then write about your problems? Or, if you’d rather have your “career” than a child, why don’t you give the kid to a couple who truly, genuinely wants children? Gay marriage is becoming legal in more states now I know plenty here in NY that desperately want to adopt.
Aether72- My good fortune and privilege compounded my depression, adding additional layers of guilt and secrecy for too long. I think we all, regardless of circumstance, deserve the right to be happy and healthy. As for the last bit of your comment, I’m pretty sure you didn’t read my whole post, as I have always, always “genuinely wanted” my children. For a while, depression robbed me of my enjoyment in my time with them and I would hope that anyone and everyone feeling similarly would get help.
ve often sympathized with other friends who are on prozac, including my sister, so please understand that before you jump to any conclusions about what I’m about to say. There are societal attitudes associated with SAHM that do cause feelings of low self-esteem in women, but I have to wonder, doesn’t the habit Doctors have of pushing a pill as the answer for practically every adverse situation, including menopause symptoms and behavioral problems in children, sending the message to our kids(the next generation) that pills are the solution to practically every problem? Not eating a much healthier diet, exercising regularly, or a actively seeking a greater sense of community involvement. I believe we need to take a harder look at how it might be possible to get so lulled into the story the pharmeceutical companies are spending millions every year to sell us-that we’ll be ‘happier’ and more fulfilled with the drug, and miss the fact that once we commit to taking a a drug, it may be very difficult to get off that drug, and there could be health consequences that will adversely affect us years from now because of taking anti-depressants. Obviously, the drug companies have proven again and again in the past that they’re not in the business to deal fairly with their drugs’ adverse effects down the road, and are not about to compensate those who’ve been hurt by their drugs unless forced to do so. They’re in the business to make loads of money-and that’s all. Think about it.I personally take estrogen (not premarin) and progesterone to help me with perimenopause symptoms. I take a low dose, as natural as possible, and don’t have the mood swings because of it.
Brilliantly expressed. I shared all of your feelings… And when the day came that I began daydreaming of murdering my precious baby, I knew I would be no good for him or anyone else until I got some serious help. By the way… I haven’t seen a Tom Cruise movie since his anti-Brooke Sheilds outburst against anti-depressants. For us who have lived the horror, Prozac was truly a godsend.
Well done article that. I’ll make sure to use it wseily.
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medicine aside, I am really glad she said it.
“On good days, I dreamed up crafts, constructed obstacle courses, researched behavior issues, cooked healthy meals, and spent lots of time on the floor, just being with my children. I felt honored and so very fortunate to be their first teacher, their best advocate, their primary everything. On bad days, and there were many in the last year, I barely played with my kids, sneaked excessive amounts of reading and chocolate, and basically felt like the entire day was a race to the solace of bedtime.”
Because how many moms have those good days and those bad days?
Jenna, you describe how I feel as if you were inside my head. Two fab kids, great husband, no money worries etc. ie. no reason to be depressed but I am. I will be taking your article to the doctors with me in case words fail me. Thank you and all the best.