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Stop Talking About Your Kid's Junk On The Internet!

Keep my privates private!

Unless you’re living under a rock you probably witnessed the internet commotion about a paparazzi shot of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s son playing around, naked, on a beach.

A website called Barstool Sports used the headline “Check Out The Howitzer On Brady’s Kid” above the photo of 1-year-old Benjamin Brady frolicking on the sand.  The website also added this horrifying descriptor:  “Just swinging low like a boss. That’s what MVP QB’s do. They impregnate chicks and give birth to big dicked kids.”

As Deadspin.com reports, the uproar that ensued even involved state police:

The post was deemed so controversial that it resulted in writer Dave Portnoy’s being banned from Boston sports radio station WEEI, numerous threats of bodily harm from faceless Boston sports fans, and a mini-revolt from some of his own obscenely loyal fan base.  According to Portnoy, the outcries were so severe that two exasperated Massachusetts state police officers even paid a visit to his house to ask if he would pull the offending post down.

Dave Portnoy took down the post but has remained vehemently unapologetic, saying he only took it down because he didn’t want to get in a pissing match with police.  Douche.  I know, I know, this particular discussion has been beaten to death but how a grown man can defend posting a photo and commenting on the private parts of a toddler is beyond me.

I bring up the Benjamin Brady photo as an example to ease you into my point.  Parents, who would be outraged if someone else commented on their kid’s junk, do it themselves all the time. STFU, Parents, who writes a weekly column for Mommyish.com elaborates:

I think we can all agree that it would be inappropriate for, say, a wife to joke about her husband’s “size” (in or out of cold water!) or a grown man to discuss his “self-serving habits” online, and I feel the same logic should be applied to discussing baby genitalia. But unfortunately, that’s simply not the case.

The article then showcases several Facebook postings by parents who offer TMI. WTF? This is one mom who isn’t LOL. For example, here’s a posting courtesy of STFU, Parents:

 

While seemingly humorous, (in a frat boy kind of way) when you talk about your kid’s boner I just feel AWKWARD. I’ll bet he’d feel the same way. I know you’re just trying to be funny but some things are lost in translation on the internet.  Plus, it’s permanent.  Is your kid’s morning wood really something you want floating around out there? Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

Another stupid one?  The ultrasound penis jokes. Yawn. Also? Dude!  You’re talking about your kid’s junk!

Again, AWKWARD.

If you thought the Benjamin Brady photo was inappropriate is highlighting the size of your kid’s junk on an ultrasound really that different? A little, but not much.

I know the joke is as old as Larry King – or at least as old as ultrasounds – but, much like Larry King, it’s just tired.  And weird.  This penis size obsession is juvenile enough (again, frat boy) and to inflict it on an unborn child is just dumb.  And what about discussing private medical procedures involving your kid’s junk?  I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know you’re discussing his “messed up wee-wee pee hole” with the world like so:

Courtesy: STFU, Parents

Gee, thanks mom.

Parents!  Get a grip.  Realize that while some things are appropriate to discuss among friends other things are not.  And the Internet? Fuggeddaboutit. These are the private parts of your sons.  Imagine your boy at 15, knowing that all your friends know how he had to have surgery on his messed up penis.

In summary, it isn’t cool to discuss the size of a child’s penis EVER.  “Oooh look!  He’s hunk like a horse, dad must be SO proud.”  GROSS.  It’s awkward and tacky and if you don’t think so you’re creepy. Or more juvenile than a frat boy pledging the cool fraternity on campus. Try remembering this equation:

Dick jokes + babies = dumb.

Think of it in terms of discussing the private parts of a girl.  Is there anything you could say about girls’ private parts that wouldn’t make you sound like a pedophile? Exactly.  So quit talking about your kid’s junk, especially on the Internet.

Image: Flickr.com

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