Why do we wear yoga pants while our daughters wear tutus?
Why do we wear yoga pants while our daughters wear tutus?
I get to class and take my seat beside the other girls, and as usual, they are better dressed than I am. One wears stovepipe jeans and a shrunken black T-shirt; another wears a short denim mini and razor-flat, arch-destroying sandals. A third wears a stunning print dress. I sigh and wish I had taken the time to find matching socks. I’m used to being less than fashionable, but in the past, the well-dressed women I knew were, well, women. Now the girls with the killer clothes are the toddlers in my son’s music class.
But while their diva daughters are dressed to the nines, the moms of these girls are downright dowdy. Yoga pants. Ragged pony tails. Hoodies as far as the eye can see. And it begs the question: why are we dressing our girls – who will spend the day running and jumping and splashing through puddles – for a night on the town, and ourselves for, well, a day at the playground?
For starters, it seems we’ve come a long way since Osh Kosh. The children’s apparel industry has exploded in the last twenty years, offering more choices and styles than ever before. But more significantly, it has matured – at least when it comes to girl clothes. Dressing like mommy used to require either a Little House on the Prairie aesthetic (Laura Ashley), or a country club membership (Polo Ralph Lauren). But these days, you can find True Religion jeans, J.Crew cashmere and Uggs in itty-bitty toddler sizes, to say nothing of seventies rock band-themed T-shirts, matchstick cords or string bikinis. So dressing like mom has never been more possible. Or rather, like mom would dress – if she wasn’t wearing sweatpants.
Speaking of sweatpants: while kids’ fashion has matured, adult styles have regressed, as schlubby adult clothing has moved out of our closets and into the realm of socially acceptable streetwear. Blue jeans and T-shirts have become allowable in all but the most conservative of workplaces. Flip-flops and sneakers have migrated over from functional accessories to fashionable ones. And when was the last time you (or anyone you know) wore a pair of pantyhose?
As the mother of a son, I used to notice the frumpy mom/diva daughter display from the bemused vantage point of an outsider. After all, I had a boy. Dressing him was utterly meaningless. Everything he owned was a primary color, and featured a dog, a soccer ball or a dinosaur. There was no fashion divide between us. Side-by-side, in our sensible knits, we matched.
But when my daughter was born last winter, I was flummoxed. What would she wear? I’m not the girliest-girl on the block; I don’t like pink, I didn’t play with dolls as a kid and I’ve never even read Little Women. The simplest task of parenting – putting her in clothing – was somehow complicated. If I dressed her like a diva, I was undoubtedly giving in to someone else’s idea of girlness. But if I swore off pink, and simply recycled all of her brother’s baby clothes, wasn’t I pushing her into mine?
Most women opt for pink – and how. Hot pink bundler, pale pink blanket, pink and brown diaper bag, all surrounding the tiny pink face in the stroller. But as I began to realize as I searched for clothing for my daughter, the alternatives are just as narrow. Rocker denim, smart-mouthed t-shirts and black leggings seem to exist primarily to ward off the siren-like seductions of the Disney Princesses. But pink or punk, the message is the same: I am dressing you like the girl I want you to be.
Or maybe, like the girl I still want to be, but have given up on. Perhaps that is why so many of us are so dowdy; we’ve given our daughters the hard work of becoming the girls we still wish we could be. We dress them like dolls, laugh when they learn the difference between Coach and Chanel, post videos of them rocking out to Patti Smith on our Facebook profile. They become our tiny billboards, plastered with our projections of beauty or coolness or disaffection. Meanwhile, we knock around town in our pajamas. It’s the ultimate opt-out.
And clearly, it isn’t a function of time. Fashion, even on a miniature-scale, takes a few minutes. Choices have to be made. An outfit has to be assembled. But putting tights on your toddler and barrettes in her hair and matching those accessories to her skirt and sweater can’t possibly be less time consuming than applying a little powder to your face and tucking in your shirt. But given the choice, many women seem to spend their mornings styling their daughters – and then cramming their entire beauty regimen into the five minutes they have before their kid gets bored watching Dora.
I wonder if we don’t feel a tiny bit of freedom when we dress our girls. After all, their bodies are unfettered by curves, unblemished by stretch marks. And if you think your daughter looks better in clothing than you do, then perhaps dressing her is a more gratifying exercise than dressing yourself. Many of us are still middling in what we refer to as our transitional jeans, not quite the size or shape we used to be before we had kids. Maybe frumpy chic is a temporary wardrobe diversion until the day comes when we are able to morph back into our earlier, more fashion-forward selves.
I wonder if we don’t feel a tiny bit of freedom when we dress our girls.To be sure, there are the practicalities involved in dressing up for a day of hanging out with your kids. I spend most of my day sitting on the floor, stomping through a sandbox or pushing a doublewide stroller through a city of narrow spaces. So heels are out. So are low-rise jeans. And forget about wearing anything that isn’t machine-washable.
But there is danger in all this transference; by dressing them, and not ourselves, we are pushing onto them the burden of living up to someone else’s standard of acceptable appearances. No one says a word when a mom is dressed in an outfit hastily assembled from the laundry basket when we’re all dressed the same way. But we see a kid who was dressed without any clear intention – a little girl wearing mismatched yellow socks and purple sweatpants and a green hoodie – and snicker, “Did they dress that kid in the dark?” As our toddlers grow into little girls and then later, into young women, the disapproval that flashes across our faces and escapes under our breath will lodge in their minds. If were lucky, they will rebel against us. But if we are not, we may be raising a whole new generation of women who feel insecure about their bodies, hiding in plain sight in their own uniform of fleece and spandex.
I shudder at the thought of giving up my beat-up running sneakers and track pants. But perhaps a swipe of the mascara brush and a pair of dress flats might not be the worst thing in the world. Because if we continue to abdicate the part of ourselves that we lose in parenting – the free time to groom ourselves, to dress ourselves, to care as much about our own appearance as we do about that of our children – will we be able to get it back? Is there any guarantee, when our kids are older and dressing themselves, that we will return to the women we used to be?
Very insightful and well written. Well done.
Very interesting food for thought! I have definitely seen this phenomenon when I’m out and about with my twin girls — frumpy moms, and kids who look like they just stepped out of a Hannah Anderson catalog.
In our case, the situation is actually just the opposite. My husband and I don’t put a whole lot of thought into the girls’ outfits, except on special occasions, and spend next to nothing on clothes for them, opting for hand-me-downs and tag sale finds. We don’t put them in worn-out or mismatched clothes (well….that’s debatable on days when my husband dresses them). But we certainly don’t dress them to the nines. As you point out, they spend most of their time getting dirty and messy, and they’re growing like weeds, so what’s the point?
I, on the other hand, always put at least a little effort into my appearance. While I still opt for practical clothes on the playground or out at the grocery store (t-shirts, jeans, beat-up sandals, etc.), you’ll never catch me out without at least a little makeup on, and I would never leave the house in sweatpants. It’s important to me to establish, in this small way, that I am a woman who is also a mom. Not the other way around.
At the same time, it’s important for me to raise my kids — as I was raised — not to get hung up at an early age on what they wear and how they look. They’ll most likely do it on their own once they’re teenagers.
–Jane from Baby Squared
We both wear Tutus.
Mom of two boys here. Enjoyed your article. And definitely trying harder this second time around (the younger is 3 months the older is 3 years) to be a little more stylish – looking frumpy and being out of shape plus carrying extra baby weight is killing my self esteem. Tiny quibble: ( Hot pink bundler, pale pink blanket, pink and brown diaper bag, all surrounding the tiny pink face in the stroller) sometimes the tiny face surrounded in pink is brown. Editor couldn’t it just have been left at tiny face? All in all, an enjoyable read.
My daughter and I are both naturally beautiful, so it doesn’t really matter what we wear. We are all about being comfortably cute. She looks great in her color-coordinated thrift store finds and occasional splurges, I rock knit minis, jeans orgulpyoga pant, with rock tees or some other comfy top. Interesting article, though. Moisturizer/sunscreen only for outdoor play. Mascara and lippy for meet-ups or inside stuff…on me, that is.
One word: Grandmas. Every holiday they arrive bearing cute little outfits. Who are we to turn them down when it gives them such pleasure to see their granddaughter in a yellow polka dot dress? I just did a clothing swap with a friend (her second is a girl, mine will be a boy), and the dresses were gently used and the rompers from Target were faded and still stained (but clean).As for me, I don’t know what kind of job I will have in a year or so when I start looking, or whether I will try for grad school, or what my commute will be. Until I have a clearer idea of what my future holds and what my paycheck will be, I’m sticking with three year old yoga pants and old t-shirts.
This probably depends on where you live. Where I live (northern California) I feel there is a lot of pressure on how moms look. Not so much the make-up, but how fit you are after you give birth. (Seriously, I feel more pressure now to look hot now than I did before I had my son.) Yoga pants are actually a fashion statement here – they tell the world “I do yoga”, even if you don’t.However, we always joke about how only kids can look cute with mis-matched clothes. These types of articles make it seem like there is already not enough pressure on moms (or women in general) to look a certain way.
“But we see a kid who was dressed without any clear intention a little girl wearing mismatched yellow socks and purple sweatpants and a green hoodie and snicker, “Did they dress that kid in the dark?” ”
No, not in the dark, but perhaps the child insisted on dressing themselves. I often have to let go of my notions of what “matches” when my 2 year old daughter picks out her clothes. It’s not worth a tantrum, and really, at this age, it doesn’t matter what she wears most of the time, so long as it makes her happy.
All in all this article was SO well done. What an original and insightful idea–cheers to Babble for buying it! But I do have one question: as a mom whose children are usually very well dressed in expensive clothing, am I a schlump if I am in Lulu Lemon’s $100 yoga pants sporting a body I kill myself to maintain? Yoga pants can be hot… Sweat pants? Not so much. Nice work on this.
Wonderful piece and something I’d never thought about before. Loved it.
-Katie Allison Granju
I would never make assumptions about a mom, how she feels about herself, or her kids based on her kids’ clothes.My daughter gets tons of hand-me-downs from her cousin. I would never buy most of htis stuff, but it’s free, and she loves it. She dresses herself and loves fancy, crazy outfits, and believes “flowers and flowers, it matches”When she goes to music class in jeans with leopard print insets and a bright pink top, while I’m in jeans and a t-shirt, I’m not projecting, I’m letting her dress how she wants in free clothes.And Lulu, what the hell, what’s the point of having a body “I kill myself to maintain”? Isn’t the point actually to have a healthy body you live healthily to maintain?
I liked the article. I’ve definately seen this. Or worse, dressed up doggies! Still, I have one quibble. I don’t want to go back to the woman I was – I want to continue to grow and change and get better. So, instead of a couple years of schlubbing around chasing twin toddlers then reverting to type, I’d like to reinvent myself into a cooler, more confident, maybe even more stylish version of me. I tend to think I get better with age anyway (as do most women).
Thank you, Erin. Perhaps the best article I’ve read on babble. And a compelling arguement for replacing my beat-up clogs (with new clogs, at least) and having my “transitional” jeans hemmed instead of just cutting them shorter.
Incidentally, I finally shaped my eyebrows today after oh, about 5 months of neglect. The occasion? My OB/GYN check-up. Wonder if my midwife noticed!
I’d say you’re silly to spend $100 on yoga pants…or any pants that aren’t part of a business suit, Lulu.
Of course, I am just teasing and I see Lululemon’s point, basically that yoga pants can look real cute! And I think the *kill myself* for this body just means she works hard…which as a runner who loves to eat, I understand!
I think you hit the nail on the head when you describe how it can be more enjoyable to dress your girl than yourself. My girl has a sweet round belly and pudgy knees and dimples in her elbows and looks totally charming in anything she wears. I even like to take a minute to attempt pigtails, just because she’s so satisfyingly cute.
I, on the other hand, can spend all the time I want choosing my outfit and I’ll still look a little thick around the middle and about 6 weeks late for a haircut. Not so fun.
That said, I also think the choice is based on practicality. While I dress my daughter, she’s entertained and happy. But while I try to curl my hair, she’s throwing books in the toilet. I’ve considered dragging her highchair into the bathroom and feeding her breakfast while I at least wash my face and get some lipstick on.
Ughh, this gets me a little peturbed. I don’t understand moms who don’t take the time to care for themselves as well as their children. No problem dressing your little baby girl like a precious doll, but you can’t find time to comb your own hair. It’s bizarre to me. From the minute my boy was born I made a promise to myself, my husband, and my son that I would take care of the three of us. No one would be left in the dust with unkempt hair, mismatched socks, spit up on their shirt (me or the baby), and take out. I feel like we are all worth taking care of.
I feel best when I am in shape, eat well, and keep up with my yoga/pilates. My body takes work, and I’m not gonna frump it up in a pair-o-sweats
this article made me think of the director of our nursery school, who insisted that kids wear the clothes that would allow them to engage fully and meaningfully in their work: play! i also recall getting notes that underscored how silly, fashionable sandals (my words, not hers) made important play impossible. why not let kids be kids? and free them from the things that may very well burden them throughout their adult lives?
Even if all our girls are dressed in pink, not all our kids’ faces are pink! Apparently the author thinks that this is the case for “most women.” How about a little brown? Some of us outside the “most” category might appreciate that, as our kids have never been pink.
Besides that, I liked the sentiment of the article (found the writing early on kind of annoying — way too much effort and angst for the topic). The last couple paragraphs reminded me of the parenting advice that says that parents should always eat with their kids to demonstrate that taking time to eat and eating nourishing foods are important. I do agree with the author that this is true for appearance as well. I don’t let my kids look like slobs when we leave the house, and I refuse to let myself look like a slob either. I don’t spend much money on clothes, and I spend 5 minutes tops on my hair, maybe 4 mintues on makeup, but this effort helps me feel better about myself. I guess it’s kind of a reflection of how I feel about myself as a person. I don’t feel like shit on the inside, and I don’t want to look like shit to others. I don’t think that this is superficial or vain, and I fully acknowledge that there are some days when I leave the house in yoga shorts, without makeup and with a baseball cap: Life happens. But I do think that it’s important to take care of ourselves as parents, in part to show our kids that we have a little self-respect.
Great article.
I recently moved across the country and now live in a smaller town where the other mothers dress much more casually than I do… or, used to. Every time I get together with other moms now, I dress down even further but even so I always seem to be over-dressed for the occasion. I’m down to worn jeans, flip-flops and t-shirts but just the fact that I fix my hair and wear a little make-up makes me stand out. It’s so odd. I see part of my job as a parent as setting a good example, and I don’t see how being frumpy and taking no pride in my appearance is something I want to model. On the other hand, I don’t want to teach her that appearance is all-important, as society at large will be telling her that on a daily basis for the rest of her life.
Great article but these comments could stand a little niceness infusion. Maybe moms like you should quit judging moms like me – I’m the one in the sweats, hair unwashed, socks with shorts, schlepping down the street every single morning. But you know why? I gained 60 pounds with my last pregnancy and am not going to buy a bunch of clothes that I expect will only fit me for a few months, if that. So I wear my maternity stuff and the stuff I wore between pregnancies. Besides, I’m exercising – I’m sweaty and it’s hot out, so my lulus are a bit too warm (even though I love them, and they’ve magically continued to fit me) for me to wear while I’m walking. We walk all over – to the store, the playground, whatever. Do I look terrible? Yes, I sorta do. Do I go home and take a shower most days? Yes, even though we spend the rest of the day alone until my husband gets home. Is my workout working? Yes. I’ve lost 48 pounds.
So. Just admire my cute kids and leave me alone. When I’m skinny again, I’ll pull out the cute stuff that once fit. But until then, my crumpled up, ugly stuff is motivation not to quit. Besides, I just don’t have the cash to buy myself a playground wardrobe.
I always find these kinds of articles funny. I quit my job when my son was born, but in my previous life I was an engineer. And believe me, the world of new moms is much more glamourous than the world of engineers – LOL!I think it is important to do what makes you feel good. What bothers me is that I don’t see the same kind of pressure to look good heaped on dads. Most dads I see out with their kids are dressed really, really casually. Even on occasions as birthday parties, where most moms try to look good, dads usually wear something like baggy shorts, t-shirts, and flip-flops. I have never seen an article telling dads they need to look good, or else they have no self-respect. After all these years, why are women who don’t dress glamorously viewed as having no self-respect? I have never been a glamour girl (no make-up, dresses, etc.) but I respect myself because of all my accomplishments.
Erin,
Why oh why, as a woman and a writer, have you never read Little Women? That’s all I could think about as I read this article…
momofboys, I thought the same thing about the pink face thing!
I have a son, and I definitely put a lot more thought into his clothes than mine. I guess in a way he’s my little doll now. I know he will get dirty, and I don’t care, but I like him looking neat and cute. I dress him more sporty than “styled.” As we’ve gone into his second year, and he’s able to play or watch tv for awhile while I shower and get dressed, I’m more and more able to put myself together too.
I did dream of having a girl when pregnant and of dressing her up, and I bet I would have…but now when I look at all the nauseating pink in the girls section, and the sexy outfits and the LINGERIE for young girls–I’m stunned. What in the world are we telling them?
Another thing, it is so unfair how girls’ clothes dominates the childrens sections! Boys get about 1/3 the slection girls do.
i, too, had a similar thought re little women, but i also wondering about how it was referred to, given that the main character, jo, wants to do all that she can to escape the confines of 19th century womanhood. she would never have agreed to the kind of thing being described here re girls and their clothing, hair, shoes, etc. she did whatever she could to avoid that stuff.
I find it profoundly disturbing that someone wrote an article that completely buys into the idea that women and girls must be judged on their looks and concerned with fashion (while the boys get off the hook) and everybody is in agreement. Although we do have a few dresses, most of the clothing I buy for my daughter (used, always used) is gender neutral. Good quality clothing that can put up with the wear and tear it is subjected to. Sure I am dressing her as the “woman I want her to be” by not buying pink princess and diva crap, just like I dress my son as the man I want him to be by not buying shirts with racist slogans, or plastered with guns. What on earth is wrong with that? We all have hopes and dreams for our children, and my hopes and dreams do not include being obsessed with clothing or limiting oneself due to outdated gender stereotypes.
fustian – totally agree, except with your statement “and everyone is in agreement”. Many of the comments are not in agreement, thank goodness.
Wow, this went off the rails at the end for me. I thought with all the talk about projecting onto daughters and putting too much emphasis on how they look the moral was going to be: don’t worry so darn much about how your daughter looks. Then all of a sudden the point was that I should wear mascara?
Baffled.
I think it costs less to dress a child fashionably, as well. I can buy an outfit off the clearance rack at Target for $5 and it’ll look adorable on my three-month-old daughter. Dressing myself as well takes a lot more thought, time, and money.
But this was an interesting read and something I hadn’t thought about before.
And the trolls have arrived…
I think that whether or not I am ceding my autonomy or priorities to my
children has nothing to do with how I look – I never wore makeup
pre-kid, and I’m not about to start now. How a woman looks is not a
measure of whether she values herself or not – and one might argue that
women who value looks most value their selves least. At the
very least, time and money spent on makeup, clothing or whatever else -
such as the author’s eyeliner to conform to a hetero male ideal of what
women “should” look like – aren’t really things I feel like I want to
“set an example” for my daughter with. It’s fine if you want to spend
time and money on that – but that I don’t does not mean I don’t value
myself, that I’m living through my child, or that I’m setting a bad
example. Although, the throwback conservatism of many of the columns on women and appearance even here make me feel like spending any more time here is setting a bad one.
Maybe I am misunderstanding what the author is trying to say, but the part I find most troubling is the last sentence – “Is there any guarantee, when our kids are older and dressing themselves, that we will return to the women we used to be?”I, for one, don’t want to return to the woman I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I was, but all the experiences of being a mom have made me a better person. Isn’t that true with any big experience in our lives? I have been lucky to have had a lot of wonderful experiences (education, travel, career, relationships, etc.), and they have all shaped me into who I am. Would we say this about any other type of experience – that when it is over we should go back to who we were before, as if we were trying to erase it? Every phase has been better than the previous one. Sure, I looked hotter when I was 18, but you couldn’t pay me $1 million to go back.I also agree with everything leahsmom said.
as a mom to seven children – i do feel pressure to have the children look presentable (so i don’t get the snide whispers of “and she wants MORE!” – BUT – i love it when my littles can dress themselves, and we hardly ever *have* to look cute (for an afternoon in the park?) – our compromise – if we’re going to church, or to Opa’s house (that’s grandpa for you non Germans), or to a wedding or party – i get to pick the clothes and keep sending them back to the bathroom until they fulfill my vision of hygiene…BUT they get to pick their own clothes (mostly hand me downs) and i get rid of what they won’t wear.As for me…a lot of my clothes are hand me downs, too, but as i get older i’m a little more picky. You can only wear sweats so long before you are drenched with despair and you might as well go to bed for the next few years.I understand not fitting into clothes and not wanting to buy more until you do fit – but it’s worth it to cobble together something decent, and even buy the size you need for now – it’s not money wasted…The only thing i could have added to this article was mention of one of the HUGEST reasons for moms wearing shlubby clothes – we are nursing! Breast is best, right? But nursing a baby doesn’t go with super tight tees or one piece dresses – i can sew and adjust – add hidden zippers down the side or alter a tank to wear under a shirt so i can nurse unobtrusively…but no one is actually making clothes a nursing mom can wear. Something that isn’t skin tight (while we lose those last few pounds or carry around the stretched out skin…if i have to explain, just say a prayer of thanks!) – something we can lift or stretch out of the way to be able to nurse without showing the world our whole chest or belly…Good shoes and jewelry help
… But i wish someone would take nursing moms seriously and make something that’s not polyester and twice what i’d pay for regular clothes (and ugly. sigh…)
“Everything he owned was a primary color, and featured a dog, a soccer ball or a dinosaur.” That’s my boys. Thank goodness my step-daughter was a tom-boy and preferred shorts and t-shirts.
So much of the girls’ clothing that “most” of us can afford (Target? Wal-Mart? Can I get an “Amen”?) is totally inappropriate for young girls (and school, thus the recent trend towards uniforms). I would not have allowed my 6 year old to go about looking like a streetwalker. And yes, some of the clothes that her grandma so happily bought for her were exactly something I would expect to see on a hooker. Not to mention, with her then-6 year old baby-fat-having body, those clothes made her feel like something was wrong with her body. A 6 year old girl (or boy or that matter) of healthy weight and height with body image issues? Welcome to anorexia in the tweens & teens people. I’ll say again, Thank goodness my step-daughter was a tom-boy and preferred shorts and t-shirts. She’s now 5’7″, gorgeous, and dresses in an age-appropriate manner. Without fights.
I think it’s fine to dress them up a bit for church and special occasions like family portraits, but I have always let my kids dress themselves on a day-to-day basis. They learn independence. Sometimes they don’t match. The kids are always clean, and their clothes are clean and in good repair. We do hand-me-downs. I buy clothes at the flea-market. When my middle child was a toddler, my sister got pregnant. Her daughter wore clothes with trucks on them, then my youngest wore them. Now her youngest is wearing them. She’ll give whatever is still useful to someone else when the little one outgrows them. (And for the record, her oldest, now 6, loves Disney Princesses and Lightning McQueen)
As for me?
I have always been a t-shirt & jeans girl. Makeup melts off in the Alabama heat. Having kids changed nothing to do with my style. It’s not frumpy. It’s practical and affordable. (Not all of us can swing $100 for a freakin’ pair of yoga pants!)
And yeah, I’m a MILF! And just like pretty much every one else posting here, I worked to get my figure back after baby. Proud of both accomplishments.
I should probably point out that my sister’s kids are girls, and my two youngest are boys. Still more acceptable for a girl to wear a shirt with a truck than for a boy to wear a shirt with Belle.
You’re right, leahsmom. Appearance should be the last on my list of things I need to set an example with for my daughter. After thinking about this more during the afternoon, I realized why I feel I need to be put-together and my daughter impeccably dressed in designer clothes and perfect hair — she’s autistic, as some of you know, and she often behaves “badly” or bizarrely. I suppose I feel that if the two of us look as if we “should” I have a small shield against the nasty looks, stares, and occasional mean comment that I get when we are out in public (which is very often, as I refuse to confine to her to our house because of her differences.) I wonder if other mothers feel the same, albeit to a lesser or differing degree — if our appearance is above reproach (I know, as if…) then we’ll be given leaway in other areas.
The author makes some very good points. I love dressing my daughter- I constantly get compliments of her clothes, and it’s important to me that she looks good. Being in the arts, I hate a badly designed item, whether it’s for adults or toddlers. And I don’t spend nearly the same kind of time or attention on myself. Why is that? Because I am still working as hard as I can to lose the pregnancy weight. Instead of being able to throw myself full force into a weight loss regimen after I had the baby, I balanced parenting, a year of breastfeeding and a full time work schedule running my own business. Today I went shopping at Anthropologie on a rare afternoon I was able to spend by myself and not only were the $235 jeans overpriced, but they don’t look as good on me now as they will when I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Why would I waste money on a wardrobe of clothes that I’m hoping will soon be too big for me? So I have a closet of great clothes waiting for me while I chip away my weight loss goal and pay my mortgage and drag myself around with a headache when I haven’t slept- I’ll just have to wait until I can fit into these things again. And feel awful because there are a bunch of judgmental moms who think they look better than me. In the meantime, life goes on.
Not to sound like a commercial, but Expressiva.com has some really cute nursing tops. They can be a little pricey, but I live some of their snugger fitting tops and they look really good. You don’t have to wear frumpy, flappy clothes just cause you’re breastfeeding. Not that I care if you do. Everyone should just do what they’re comfortable with. That’s what makes us different women. My husband and myself think I am hot and I don’t shave my armpits or legs, while others would think that’s gross.
wow, this article and most of the comments made me want to hurl.
we, as women, have such a long way to go.
it’s disheartening.
brainwashed. depressing. sexist. sad.
You forgot “judgmental”, ana voog. And while you’re busy being so very very sad for us, how about learning some basic punctuation skills? Or is that high horse just too far up for you to reach the shift key?
After seeing comments like ana voog’s and other similar ones, I have to admit, I kind of just don’t get it. If a mom works outside the home, she can’t go into the office looking like shit (presumably; I’m sure that there are exceptions). A part of her job is to look professional, at least like she can manage to pull herself together to make a good impression on other people. The same is expected of fathers. It doesn’t really matter what’s going on at home. Sure, he or she might look tired around the eyes, but neither can wear sweats! Is *this* “brainwashed. depressing. sexist. sad.”? I don’t think so. Why is it so different for those of us who stay at home? I understand that there are times when stay-at-home parents just have terrible times, and it may be the case that their appearance slips. Others bring up decent points about not wanting to invest in a bunch of clothes that (they hope) won’t fit for long. However, I think that KnittyMN brings up a great point about appearance reflecting whether or not we do actually have things together, regardless of how our children are acting (to paraphrase her). I don’t think that moms need to wear designer clothes or a full face of make-up, but is a little effort too much to ask?
ChiLaura – re your question about professionals having to dress a certain way vs. stay-at-home parents. I had an office job, and the level of physical activity was very low. One could dress nicely and not worry about ruining one’s clothes. Now that I stay at home with my (very active) son, my level of activity has gone up immensely. I can’t count how many times today I was sitting on the ground, in the garden, kneeling to pick things up, etc. Never mind all the sweat from running around. My clothes are pretty thrashed by the end of the day. (My son also dresses for activity.)I guess I am wondering what people expect from parents. Most of the moms I see are neatly dressed, but not in dressy clothes. The author talks about wearing mascara and dress flats. Well, I didn’t wear make-up before my son was born, so I’m not starting now. And dress flats? I wouldn’t even want to see what they would look like after a week.On the weekends, when my husband is out with us, I try to dress a little nicer because I know he can run around after our son. However, my hubby dresses very casually on these occasions. Nobody tells him he is not dressed-up enough.It just feels like one of those things where women are judged more than men. We need to do it all, run around like crazy, but look like we just left the salon.
I think, as usual, everyone is getting all worked up over nothing.
It’s a “personal essay” in which the writer is making some observations and providing a takeaway. It’s a common formula for sites and subjects like this. Take it…or leave it…share your opinion, but don’t get all “I am so oppressed.”
Seriously. If you are comfortable enough not to care how you look then you are not oppressed, so why should you care what someone says on a website?
I am still hung up on this idea that there is something wrong with looking good. I don’t want to look good because it turns other men on. I want to look good because it reflects how I feel about myself. I workout because it keeps me sane. I buy expensive clothing and wear them because I enjoy looking presentable and I am realistic about this world. The problem with statements like Annvoogs’ is that they are too pie in the sky and idealistic (although to be frank, I would not want to live in a world populated soleley by tie-dye sporting longhairs with ragwool socks tucked into Birks). But whether it makes me a slave to the patriarchy or not, I appreciate feeling sexy and vital even as a mom and I won’t give that up. There is power in sexuality, whether you like it or not.
There *is* power in sexuality and beauty, but don’t discount the “tie-dye sporting longhairs with ragwool socks tucked into Birks”…many of them are very fit and sexy in a natural and unfussy way…and men like that…and often prefer it…so get over yourself, “attractivemom” and understand that there are many ways to look good and they don’t all involve expensive clothes and makeup. Being fit, clean, with healthy hair and skin are signs of youth and fertility, which strike at the core of what is sexy, biologically. The rest are cultural trappings that we can have fun with to the degree that interests us.
Oh…and it’s funny…what’s described in this article is not really about what pleases men, it’s more about women dressing for women, and whether they feel cute or whatever. (Which is all FINE. Whatever makes you happy.) But, make no mistake, most men would rather see a fit woman with long hair in sweaty, torn or dirty clothes than a chunky woman with a suburban bob in Ann Taylor casual.
“How a woman looks is not a
measure of whether she values herself or not” Brilliantly said, leahsmom! I have never been a woman who puts stock in the brand name of my clothes. I’ve never worn make-up (okay, once for my sister’s wedding because she begged me!). My hair is short because I want to be able to wash it and go without spending any time on it. This is who I was before motherhood and it’s who I am now. I have no one to impress. This article made me SO glad to have a boy. In our home, the rule is to never wear anything that you can’t get dirty if jumping in a mud puddle suddenly seems like a good idea.
Knitty- as always, your comment gave me pause. I’m sorry that the judgment of others has such an impact on your time out with your daughter. You remind all of us that we never really know what’s going on in a person’s life just by looking in from the outside.
I worked for a woman who always looked nice. When she would come home at the end of the day the kids would run for her and she would stoop down and check their hands before they could hug her. I promised myself then that I would never do that.
Knitty – thanks for your honesty there. Your comment was very moving to me – I can understand how you might feel a lot of pressure to make things look perfect in some ways, when you’re concerned about them being different than the “norm” in others. I desperately wish that there was more compassion and empathy, and less judgement, so that you and your child could simply be who you are without fearing social punishment from other folks – whether you’re wearing makeup or sweatpants or paperbags. I just wish you strength and courage.
I’m on the fence here. Many of the comments seem to imply that there is something wrong with wanting to look nice, and I completely disagree with that. I love fashion and make-up, and experimenting with new things. I stayed at home with my twins for four years, and continued playing with those things because it was purely FUN! Of course, I shopped clearance sales and Target more than in the past, but Macy’s clearance + coupons can often mean better quality things for around the same prices. For me, it’s great fun to hunt for those finds. Dh knew that the best way for me to regroup after a long day of being at home was taking $25, spending an hour at Macy’s and finding a fab, well-made sweater for $20 ($80 originally!) – and using the change to bring home ice cream!
I have one pair of Nikes and two pairs of sweatpants worn only when working out – twice a month;). The rest of my shoes are dress flats, boots or cute sandals that held up great for me even keeping up with baby/toddler/preschool twins. But this is how I’ve always been, and there is nothing wrong with that! My mom friends know that this is simply me – not a show, and they accept it and tease me about it even as they are wearing their sweatpants. We can still be friends though!
Knitty, I see your point about appearance being a shield. As a black woman in a city with a 12% black population, I am often one of a handful at the Children’s Museum, the park or even the grocery store. If I am pulled together, with clean and well-behaved kids, I feel more welcomed. Never thought about it that way, but that definitely is a valid point. My mother and grandmother (raised in the same city) always made it a point to look classy and groomed for that reason, and I suppose I picked it up from them.
With boy/girl twins, I won’t even get started on the disparity of clothing choices. Dd is a true girly-girl and is easy and fun to dress. Poor ds has the same “uniform” every season: jeans, khakis, polo and t-shirts, navy shorts, gray shorts, etc. So sad!
Finally, the pink face thing irritated. Enough said.
Love this article. I fall into this category too and I have also realized to my amazement that I no longer am satisfied shopping for myself but I only shop for my daughter. Well, guess what though, little missy now only wants to wear “comfy pants”! So in our household she will be wearing the yoga pants. And me? Uhm… Her tutu, I guess..
As a working mom to four, I have to dress professionally (yes, including pantyhose) all day. When I get home, I’m putting on the yoga pants and t-shirt (no holes or stains, though) simply because my “second shift” involves: feeding a baby whose recent trick is blowing raspberries during the meal; giving a bath in the sink; teaching my 5 year old the art of showering responsibly; and general housekeeping duties. You will absolutely see me on Saturday morning at the grocery store in comfy clothes. I dress appropriately at the appropriate times (work, church, etc.), but when I’m at home, I’m dressing for the job, you know?
I only have one girl in my brood, now in her teen years, she prefers yoga pants and baggy shirts to mini skirts and tight, tummy-bearing tees. Perhaps it’s because we never made a big deal about clothing; in fact, I went out of my way to find age-appropriate outfits (think Health Tex and Lands End). To her choice in clothing, I say, “Thank God.”
“the art of showering responsibly”
love it!
@lawmom, you sound like most working moms I know! I just have to point out that there are other clothing options between “yoga pants and baggy shirts” and “mini skirts and tight, tummy-baring tees”. Straight-leg jeans with a long tee and skinny scarf would be a trendy yet modest, age-appropriate outfit for tween/teen girls, for example. Too many people seem to be of the opinion that there is no middle ground, while in pretty much every arena, there really is – from politics to getting dressed:)
According to lululem at 5:05 yesterday, beautiful women with brains are “rare.” Since when? That has not been my experience at all. Are some of you operating with a very narrow view/definition of beauty? (AKA “Barbie?”)
ceecee – I just assumed that lululem was a troll – some teenager with nothing better to do.
“oh please. The only people who say that looks don’t matter are ugly.”Funniest comment ever.
A little defense is due the author on the “pink face” issue . . . the continued use of pink in the sentence is a writer’s device rather than a slap at moms whose babies are of a race other than Caucasian.
Otherwise, great article. I do think that dressing my daughter in nice clothes (albeit hand-me-downs or sale items to keep the cost down) is more pleasurable because I have the schlubby mom body while she looks good in anything. No doubt.
I’d also posit that NOT dressing up as a mom is as good for our daughters as anything – because it shows our kids that we’re fine being out in public without the mascara or the heels. I might hate my schlubby mom body, but I’m more comfortable in my skin now that I’ve accepted that’s me than I was pre-kid, when I was trying so hard to look good. I’d like my daughter to see me as happy with who I am.
I was raised by a mother who wasn’t worried about her own looks but who loved seeing her daughters well-dressed. Even as teenagers, she loved taking us to the coolest teen stores and made sure we were properly dressed for school or to go out on weekends. I don’t think she was living vicariously through us, but rather that she wouldn’t feel accomplished as a mother if she wasn’t doing her best efforts to keep her daughters well fed, dressed and educated. It was her mission and her way to express love for her children. She was very happy that way, and neither her husband or her kids cared that she wasn’t the best dressed Mom, because she was such a wonderful person in every way.
The way she dressed didn’t influence me or my siblings in terms of fashion sense or self-esteem. However, the way she loved and cared for us was a major influence in the way my sisters and I became excellent mothers by most people’s accounts.
In a nutshell, “frumpy mom vs stylish daughter” is a non-issue.
@Jeanne Sager: considering the original sentence, with its ‘pink and brown diaper bag,’ it would have been easy for the writer to continue the theme with ‘pink or brown face.’ But both the writer and the editors missed the chance to be more inclusive. Boo.
Hey, that post leaves me feeling fioolsh. Kudos to you!