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"Suburban Kryptonite" and Other New Names for Girl Scout Cookies

Come to Mama, darlings...

It’s that time of year again. No, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl or that long stretch of winter that makes you feel like it will never end. It’s time for Girl Scout cookies, or as we say in my house, “Suburban Kryptonite.” Those most delicious treats that are almost always timed to arrive in your house just before a snowstorm, so that you find yourself eating an entire sleeve of Thin Mints and then pretending you have no idea what happened to them.

I’m on both sides of this thing. I’m both a dealer and a user. My daughter, a Brownie scout, and I have been successfully moving product for four years. The selling process is supposed to instill young girls with the entrepreneurial spirit and teach them about business, sales, and supply and demand. What it really does is prime them for future disappointment because there is no other legal product that sells itself the way that Girl Scout cookies do. If you sell these things outside a Walmart, people will literally throw their money at you.

I get it. The addictive quality of these treats is such that I’m actually relieved that they’re only available to me a few weeks a year. So in honor of the very special relationship I have with Girl Scout cookies, I’d to like to offer up some suggestions for what I think they should really be called, because their current names don’t do them justice.

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  • Which Cookie Is Queen? 1 of 11
    Which Cookie Is Queen?
    As I suspected, the Thin Mint is the prom queen of the Girl Scout Cookies. No surprise there. This chart shows the most popular cookie by percentage of sales and comes from
    Wired magazine's September edition.

    (via I Love Charts)
  • Tagalongs 2 of 11
    Tagalongs
    "PMS Pleasers"

    This cookie is number 3 in popularity for a reason. That hint of peanut butter saltiness makes these more effective than Motrin. Though personally, being from Tastykake country, I always find them to be sort of disappointing, as Tastykakes are manna from heaven.
  • Trefoils 3 of 11
    Trefoils
    "Have Anothers"

    I call them this for two reasons: First, because this is always the cookie that everyone buys and then has left over after the Samoas and Thin Mints have been eaten. So you offer them up to people just to get them out of the house. "Here! Have another!"

    But the second reason is because they're sneakily good. You look at them and think "Meh" and then you eat one and say, "Oh hells yes, I'll have another."
  • Do Si Dos 4 of 11
    Do Si Dos
    "No — the Other Peanut Butter Ones"

    People really love these things, and I honestly don't get it. But whenever we're selling them, people always say "I'll have the peanut butter ones," at which point we hold up a box of Dos Si Dos and they respond by saying their new name.
  • Samoas 5 of 11
    Samoas
    "My Own Personal Heroin"

    That's right, Edward Cullen. I stole your line. Besides, you're fictional. You can do nothing about it.

    Samoas are number 2 in popularity and my personal favorite. I've seen people almost come to blows over these things. There are only 15 cookies per box, which really means one thing: "1 box = 1 serving".
  • Savannah Smiles 6 of 11
    Savannah Smiles
    "The New Lemon Cookie No One Really Buys That Replaced the Old Lemon Cookie No One Really Buys"

    The name pretty much sums it up.
  • Thank U Berry Much 7 of 11
    Thank U Berry Much
    "The Cranberry Ones"

    I like these cookies, in spite of the fact that they're not good sellers and the shape of the box is all weird. That makes stacking hard and as a dealer, it's really all about the stacking.

    Also, it may just be me, but the name is sort of misleading. I always think BERRY means strawberry or blueberry, not cranberry. Cranberries aren't even sweet. They're like real berries' waspish cousin who always says mean things.
  • Dulce de Leche 8 of 11
    Dulce de Leche
    "Dulce de No Bueno"

    I love Girl Scout cookies and I love the flavor of Dulce de Leche, but for some reason these cookies just aren't that great. And that makes me sad.

    Pass the Samoas, will you?
  • Thin Mints 9 of 11
    Thin Mints
    "Mom Meth" or maybe "PTA Chronic"

    Perhaps the most delicious thing on earth and also the most popular of all Girl Scout cookies. Yummy any time of day and better frozen than anything frozen has the right to be. These cookies have inspired some ... reactions in people.
  • Evidence of Thin Mint Superiority 10 of 11
    Evidence of Thin Mint Superiority
    This is how you know that Thin Mints reign supreme: People actually manufacture products like this. No one has a plaque for The Cranberry Ones, I can tell you that much.

    Photo Credit: Atlas Signs and Plaques
  • Additional Evidence 11 of 11
    Additional Evidence
    This woman physically assaulted her roommate because she thought the woman had eaten her Thin Mints. I mean really.

    The sad part is, I sort of get that.

    Photo Credit: MyFoxBoston.com

Read more from Julie at her blog Rants from MommyLand. Follow Julie on Facebook and Twitter for additional goofy nonsense at no extra charge. You can catch up on her posts for Strollerderby, too – where she is often slightly less stupid.

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