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The 25 Weirdest and Worst Novelty Onesies for Sale Online

novelty onesies

Novelty onesies: using your baby as a billboard.

I have mixed feelings about novelty onesies.  The one my daughter is pictured in (at left) as a newborn was a gift from my friend Nichelle, and I loved it.  It says, “Nobody puts baby in the corner.”  Get it?  Dirty Dancing?  It’s a perfect novelty onesie because it’s cute, clever and nostalgic, not to mention harmless.  But you have to be careful when picking out novelty onesies for your baby – and especially for someone else’s – because not all jokey prints are created equal.

Some novelty onesies are crassly funny (“I fart in elevators”) and some are adorable (think screen prints of glittery kittens and cupcakes).  But others are downright snarky (“My mom is prettier than your mom”) and a bit too sexual for my taste.  (“Boob man?”  “Stud muffin?”  Really?  Your baby boy is a baller?)

If you think any of those are bad, though, I’ll caution you that I spent hours searching the Internet for awful novelty onesies, and boy did I find plenty.  Like The Stir’s 5 T-Shirts You Should Never Ever Let Your Kid Wear to School, here are 25 onesies you should never, ever buy:

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  • Ugly 1 of 25
    Ugly
    Babies cry all the time, so your baby is bound to cry while you're holding her in this outfit. Only a masochist, someone with a strong air of self-depreciation or an idiot would dress their child in a onesie like this.
  • Poop 2 of 25
    Poop
    Do we really want to think about poop any more than we already need to as parents? As I told a friend yesterday, my kid is 5 1/2 and I'm still up to my eyeballs in the stuff. No need to brag about deucing on a onesie.
  • Tiny Misogynist 3 of 25
    Tiny Misogynist
    Good for you for raising a well-rounded, caring individual who sees beyond looks and into the heart, mind and soul of a woman. I can only imagine the hot baby models your son will pick up while wearing this.
  • For the smallest oenophile… 4 of 25
    For the smallest oenophile...
    Stephanie Wilder-Taylor said it best: sippy cups are not for chardonnay.
  • For the future Alateen member! 5 of 25
    For the future Alateen member!
    If you feel compelled to buy this onesie, just know there's help out there when you're ready to accept it. No day but today!
  • Baby Booze Hound 6 of 25
    Baby Booze Hound
    I'm guessing the fill-in-the-blank part should list the address of Child Protective Services?
  • Blonde Joke 7 of 25
    Blonde Joke
    Maybe I'm just jealous because I'm brunette, but when my baby was born she didn't have a discernible hair color, as you can see.
  • Body Image Issues 8 of 25
    Body Image Issues
    Make sure your daughter equates being "fat" with being ugly before she can even walk off those extra pounds!
  • No You Don’t. 9 of 25
    No You Don't.
    Now you're just lying to me. And just lying there. Come on, baby! Show me some 100s, dammit! Oh, oh, what's that? You don't know how to control your own arm movement? THEN DON'T LIE TO ME ABOUT LOVING PILATES!
  • Poker Face 10 of 25
    Poker Face
  • Bully Baby 11 of 25
    Bully Baby
  • Outlaw 12 of 25
    Outlaw
    Jesse James designed this for the baby he was going to adopt with Sandra Bullock. Too bad, Dad. Either that, or this is a covert message from pro-life groups.
  • Baby Go Boom? 13 of 25
    Baby Go Boom?
  • Wrong. 14 of 25
    Wrong.
  • All Shook Up 15 of 25
    All Shook Up
    I know comics who would laugh at this, and I agree that it's funny for a second, in theory. When I first saw it, though, my heart sank, thinking about how many infants die each year from shaken baby syndrome. That's no joke.
  • Meta Baby 16 of 25
    Meta Baby
    That's just weird. Is your baby pregnant? Or a car? I don't get it.
  • Freaks Me Out 17 of 25
    Freaks Me Out
    I get it. It's a breastfeeding joke. That's also got sexual overtones. Ha? And speaking of sexual overtones, the connotations get pretty overt for the next few, so if you're sensitive, stop here. If you want to be awed by the crap that's for sale online to dress your baby in, click on!
  • It’s About Biting the Cat. 18 of 25
    It's About Biting the Cat.
    But is it, tho? Cuz I bet most parents wouldn't buy this for their girl (even tho it does come in pink). p.s. - If you buy this for a boy, he will totally turn out to be gay.
  • First Class 19 of 25
    First Class
    I can't. I just can't. Why is this for sale? WHY???
  • Dirty Jerz 20 of 25
    Dirty Jerz
    This is not at all offensive in any way. Nope. Totally fine. Great. Good.
  • Champ 21 of 25
    Champ
  • Domestic violence, anyone? 22 of 25
    Domestic violence, anyone?
    For some reason, I hate this one the most. Why is your baby dating? And why is she dating jerks? Too soon to use the work jerk after that last slide?
  • Both Hands 23 of 25
    Both Hands
    Now use both hands, oh no don't close your eyes...
  • Good Ol’ Boy 24 of 25
    Good Ol' Boy
  • Dear Lord. 25 of 25
    Dear Lord.

 

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