7 Types of Moms That Hinder My Sanity

Types of MomsI don’t think I’m breaking any ground when I confess that I’m not a perfect mom. I snap at my kids (and by snap, I mean scream until a police officer in a neighboring county alerts me to reports about people’s eardrums bursting). I don’t put my children to bed at a consistent time. They don’t get outside nearly as much as they should (or as much as they ask me if they can; we live in Colorado and it’s a pain gearing them up in all the snow clothes each and every time).

Liz Gumbinner writes the blog Mom-101 and recently confessed that her kids watch TV. She’s hardly alone, but she probably felt like it, as I often do, because of all the holier-than-thou-and-thou’s-kid types out there who let you know that not only do their kids not watch TV, but they don’t even own a TV. No, they’re too busy gathered around the radio listening to NPR while knitting organic scarves to donate to underprivileged hipsters during their shift at the food coop.

It’s those types of moms who are a hindrance to the sanity of moms like me. Yes, I don’t try to succeed at parenting nearly as hard as I should. But I’m tired and, frankly, a bit lazy. I don’t need perfect moms around me as a reminder of just how imperfect I am. I look at my kids’ dirty faces, I hear their whines about being hungry (again!) and start up yet another episode of Barney knowing all too well that this is not a scenario that’s winning me any kind of good-parenting award.

The following types of moms are my natural enemies:

  • The My-Kids-Think-Broccoli-Is-Dessert Mom 1 of 7
    g

    Plenty of moms think they're going to be the kind of parents who feed their children organic-only, gluten-free, dairy-free, non-GMO, conflict-free locally sourced, slow-cooked kale-and-air smoothies. That's when they're pregnant. And then they give birth and quickly find that Kraft mac and cheese is just that much easier to shovel into their kids mouths before they stick them in front of the TV for the next week and a half.

     

    Supermodel Gisele Bündchen is not among those moms. In an interview with British Vogue a few years back, she said her kids are "white canvases" and when they eat broccoli, they think "it's dessert!"

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 9

     

    Photo credit: Wikipedia

  • The My-Kid-Is-Smarter-Than-Yours Mom 2 of 7
    ba

    We know, we know: You had every intention of playing Mozart to your belly during your pregnancy. And when your baby was born, you totally meant to start reading War and Peace aloud at bedtime and have the baby's first-birthday-party guests recite Shakespearean sonnets as entertainment. Then life happened and you're lucky if you can find that torn Goodnight Moon board book somewhere under the dog's bed and even if you do, your toddler won't know what to do with it unless it's on the iPad and contained in an app that looks suspiciously like Candy Crush.

     

    That's not the case with all moms, however. Some moms have children who mastered reading before giving up the pacifier (which is a joke, of course, because those kids would never use a pacifier). Not only that, but their kids are also writing their own children's books before they start kindergarten. You know this because those moms offer you sympathetic looks on the playground as your kid eats sand while their kid collects that same sand as samples for their most recent scientific experiment.

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 6

     

    Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

  • Gwyneth Paltrow 3 of 7
    gw

    Because Gwyneth Paltrow.

     

    See also: Jessica Alba, Tori Spelling and Blake Lively (who isn't a mom yet, but she will be one day) 

     

    Mom Enemy Level: Off the charts

     

    Photo credit: Wikipedia

  • The I-Lost-The-Baby-Weight-Chasing-After-My-Kids Mom 4 of 7
    ex

    Here you are like a total schmuck alternating between the Paelo/gluten-free/juicing/Atkins/starvation diet trying to lose the baby weight three years after the baby was born.

     

    There are the other moms — ones like Heidi Klum, Adriana Lima, and some woman named Caroline Berg Eriksen — who walk the runway minutes after giving birth and are humble-bragging fewer than 96-hours postpartum that they're back down to their pre-baby negative-0 size. How do they do it? A mixture of breastfeeding, being too tired to eat, and having so much hatred directed at them by the first category that it just seems to melt right off out of spite. Bitches.

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 8

     

    Photo credit: Retronaut

  • The I’ll-Breastfeed-My-Kids Until-They-Go-To-College Mom 5 of 7
    b

    Sure, lots of people made fun of Jamie Lynne Grumet and Time magazine when they stuck her on the cover last year nursing her preschooler. Not necessarily because she was nursing him while he stood on a chair on the cover of a national magazine (but yes, that, too). But because she looked so smug about it.

     

    Breastfeed your kid or don't. But we all know moms who do it for, like, ever and aren't content to just do it and keep it to themselves. No, they have to tell you about it ad nauseum because apparently you're not caring/well-read/smart enough to know that breast milk is best for every possible reason you can imagine, thereby rendering their kid (and themselves, by extension) better than you and yours.

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 7

     

    Photo credit: Time

  • The I’m-So-Great-Because-My-Kids’-Socks-Match Mom 6 of 7
    k

    Sure, for your baby shower you received countless matching onesies and hats and those cute little socks that look like shoes. But that was so nine months ago. Isn't it enough that you feed your kids (usually) three times a day — plus snacks! — and they get bathed (usually) a few times a week? Now they have to wear clothes that match and are clean? Sheesh.

     

    There are some moms, however (and unfortunately), whose kids are dressed to the nines no matter what. No matter if you invite them to your kid's "let's roll around in mud" party or the occasion is simply Tuesday, their kids' clothes match, are ironed (ironed!), age-appropriate, and will never be mistaken for anything worn by Eddie Murphy's character at the beginning of Trading Places.

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 4

     

    Photo credit: Wikipedia

  • The My-Kids-Prefer-Experiences-To-Gifts Mom 7 of 7
    h

    It's such a nice idea that you'll be able to raise kids who shun material items and instead choose to give the gift of creations or experiences. It's a nice idea, but such a kid is up there with unicorns and Diane in seat 7A in terms of realness. 

     

    Still, there are moms who would have you believe — mostly because they tell you all the time — that their kids are perfectly happy not getting birthday or Christmas presents. No, their angels would rather give than receive. They'd rather do something than get something. Us? We'd rather not hear it. Partly because we don't believe it although mostly because just shut up already.

     

    Mom Enemy Level: 5

     

    Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

More from Meredith on Babble:

Follow Meredith on Twitter and check out her regular column on the op-ed page of The Denver Post at MeredithCarroll.com

Tagged as: ,

Use a Facebook account to add a comment, subject to Facebook's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Your Facebook name, profile photo and other personal information you make public on Facebook (e.g., school, work, current city, age) will appear with your comment. Learn More.