The New J. Crew Baby Line Includes a $178 Cashmere Onesie for Your Charming Cherub to Puke On

J. Crew baby line

An outfit so expensive they should actually wear it until they match the picture on it

If your mom is Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Gwyneth Paltrow, Katie Holmes or Ivanka Trump, the new J. Crew baby line is all yours.

It’s all yours because (a) it’s ridiculously expensive, and, therefore, (b) no one else but your parents can afford it.

Of course for a baby such as North West, J. Crew’s baby line will just be her lazy-day clothes, like a mom’s equivalent of yoga pants. After all, this is the infant whose wardrobe is already stocked with items from Celine, Lanvin, Balenciaga and Givenchy — and those pieces have four-figure price tags attached to them. J. Crew’s stuff is just in the hundreds-of-dollars range. J. Crew to North West is what Circo is to pretty much all other babies.

For most other people, though, spending a couple hundred dollars on a single item of clothing that will likely be outgrown sometime closer to when the credit card is swiped to buy it than when the credit card bill arrives to pay for it is out of the question. Financially, emotionally and morally.

Financially, because you’ll need to buy more clothes once that single article of clothing gets to be too small. And in order to afford the other clothing, a $178 cashmere sweater is just out of the question. That’s 22.25 of these from The Children’s Place. Or 35.81 of these from Old Navy.

Emotionally, because how bummed are you going to be when your tot has explosive diarrhea while snuggling up on top of this $198 blanket?

And morally, because while you’re spending $98 on these instead of just $5.99 on these, you could have been growing your kid’s 529 plan. Or donating to a local charity. Or saving for your retirement.

To make you feel less like an asshole for spending $56 on a diaper cover that will be worn exactly two hours before a diaper blow-out occurs, everything has a story.  Like the Italian cashmere line is being billed as”soft pieces for sensitive skin.” So if you’ve got a baby with sensitive skin (which, by the way, is pretty much all babies — so, buy this), shame on you if you dress them in anything but cashmere from Europe.

Or if you have a baby who wears a diaper (which, by the way, is pretty much all babies), then why should their diaper be covered in anything less than a Makié Baby Bloomer“Makié clothiers fuse Japanese simplicity with European authenticity in their clean-lined creations for little ones. Our designers discovered the New York-based brand on an inspiration trip to Paris and instantly fell in love with its collection. The marvelous poppy print on these bloomers is even more vibrant than you can imagine.” (Which everyone else will have to imagine, because presumably it’s worn under another piece of clothing.)

Of course, by all means, smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em. If you’ve got the money, who are we to say what you can and can’t buy for your kid. Plenty of parents enjoy having one or two special pieces for their babies. But the fact is that these pieces aren’t that special. (These pieces are, however.) J. Crew is one of those retailers that markets itself towards the upper- and middle-class. For the middle-class, it’s a semi-aspirational brand. For the upper-middle class, it’s pretty much an every-day brand.

But for babies? It’s a one-and-only day brand. Because that’s just how quickly they ruin or grow out of anything you put on them. Which just puts the J. Crew baby line in the totally wasteful category.

Even if I had the kind of money to spend on expensive clothes that my child will regurgitate their strained peas on and outgrow after a week, I just couldn’t justify it. The Gap makes adorable clothes for babies. And guess what? Babies pretty much look cute in everything. And nothing. Is there anything cuter than a naked baby? (Although please don’t selling those now, J. Crew, because that would just be creepy.)

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Follow Meredith on Twitter and check out her regular column on the Op-Ed page of The Denver Post at MeredithCarroll.com

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