The Perfect Childhood Isn't So Good
It’s official - the perfect childhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Now you can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Helicopters parents who micromanage their kids lives are so keen on creating the ideal childhood that, ironically, their children aren’t experiencing the natural ups and downs of life. It turns out that in our efforts to protect our kids from adversity and make them happy, we’re actually preventing them from experiencing setbacks that help them develop.
Don’t we all learn from disappointment? Think back to your childhood. Surely, there were times you didn’t get what you want, your feelings were hurt, or you failed at something. Those are all experiences that helped build your character, right?
Judsen Culbreth writes in the latest issue of Reader’s Digest about the damage that overpraising and overprotecting can do to our children’s sense of self.
“Kids can’t nourish their true identities or feel good about their accomplishments if we feed them junk praise that bloats their egos and leaves them hungry for real self-awareness,” writes Culbreth.
The other day, my 5-year-old daughter, Ruby, showed me her latest artwork. “Do you like it?” she asked. “It’s good, but I’ve liked other paintings you’ve done better,” I responded. She seemed surprised that I didn’t gush, but then she got back to work and created a mini-masterpiece.
Instead of automatically praising, why not actually tell kids the truth? No need to be cruel about it, but it won’t hurt them to hear you tell them to go back to the drawing board and try harder.
We’re so afraid that our kids’ feelings will be hurt that we protect them in other arenas as well — at school and on playdates.
For instance, recently, a friend’s kid felt left out because she wasn’t invited to a birthday party. The mom quickly phoned the birthday boy’s party and explained the situation. Could her daughter please attend the party? The parent extended a belated invitation. But what message does this send to my friend’s daughter? If you don’t get what you wanted, I’ll make things alright for you? What happened to telling our kids “No?”
When a parent swoops in to save the day, kids don’t get the chance to learn how to take care of their own problems.
“There’s a universal human need to master tasks on one’s own, a drive to excel,” says says Laura Berk, distinguished professor of psychology at Illinois State University and author of Awakening Children’s Minds. “When parents overstep the boundaries, they risk trampling natural self-motivation,” she adds.
There are some things it’s almost impossible to teach kids. That’s why they have to learn it themselves. So next time you’re tempted to make things perfect for your children, keep in mind that kids don’t need perfect. They need your support and guidance as they figure things out on their own. Less than perfect is sometimes ideal.
I think you could have come up with a better example than telling your five year old her art work wasn’t the best she’s done. There are times when constructive criticism is helpful and times when you’re just being a jerk. Vague praise is just as dangerous a vague disappointment. I think the bigger issue is praising the kid versus praising the effort. There is a good chapter in Nurture Shock that addresses this. And a better idea would be to invite the kid to critique her own work, what did she like and would could she do better? That’s a very valuable skill. But I definitely agree about calling a mom to score a birthday invite. That’s embarrassing.
So I’m a jerk because I told my daughter I liked other things she’s painted better? I agree inviting the kid to critique her own work is a great idea, but no need for name-calling!
what I like to do is say specific things I like about what the kid is doing…”I like the way you used so many colors” “wow, that’s really creative” “I like the way you lined up those blocks” rather than “you are such a good builder”…the “It’s good, but I’ve liked other paintings you’ve done better” struck me as a little….uh, harsh, too…but I don’t know the tenor of your family or your kid’s personality, so maybe it’s fine…still, I think the over-emphasis on criticizing helicopter parents or those who seems to care too much is just a media trend to assuage the fears/qualms/guilt of those who don’t care and aren’t doing their jobs, because I really witness more of that than the helicoptering, to be honest…calling someone because you didn’t get a party invite is just dumb, though…
@anon – “I think the over-emphasis on criticizing helicopter parents or those who seems to care too much is just a media trend to assuage the fears/qualms/guilt of those who don’t care and aren’t doing their jobs, because I really witness more of that than the helicoptering…”
I completely agree with this statement. I read so much about helicopter parenting, but I don’t see it at the extremes that the media is presenting. We all feel guilty about one thing or the other, and I think this kind of news makes us feel better.
Paula, the advice I’ve always heard about kids artwork is that you ask them if they like what they did then ask them to tell you about it. I don’t think I’d outright tell one of my kids that I didn’t like something they’d gone out of their way to present to me.
Linda, I never suggested saying you don’t like your kid’s artwork. I just told my daughter I liked some of her other paintings better. That’s a big difference. But, I agree that it’s a good idea to ask them to tell you about it or to comment on a specific thing you like about it.
As far as helicopter parenting, I think some of it depends upon your socioeconomic status and your location. Here in Park Slope, it’s the standard parenting style — and I confess that I occasionally find myself doing it as well.
anon, it all depends on the tone. I made the comment in a pretty low key way and I think she took it that way. I could see with a different tone and/or a different kid, it might not have worked.
Awesome article. I don’t think it was harsh at all. If you know your child wasn’t giving 100% don’t gush like she did. No one in the real world is going to do that.
Sorry, I didn’t mean you were a jerk! I just meant, it can be a fine line. Clearer guidance could help parents avoid crossing the line. I should have been more clear in my feedback, I guess!
Thanks for clarifying, Laura. I agree that clearer guidance and specific feedback is more helpful/constructive than a general “I like it” or “you could do better.”
I think the comment was fine, too. Knowing that gushing isn’t automatic makes real praise that much sweeter. As for the media overhyping helicopter parenting, well, they probably are, but it is definitely out there. I taught at a fairly prominent liberal arts college in Boston, and I had parents calling and berating me constantly for giving their kids the (poor) grades they’d earned. I’ve also seen parents show up to job interviews and make follow-up calls to see if their kids got the job. I think it’s harder to pinpoint on the playground, because when they’re very small, a certain amount of hovering is necessary. The problem is when parents can’t or won’t back off slowly as their kids get older and let them handle some things themselves.
I think helicopter parenting is in the media more now, because as Courtney said, we are starting to see the results of the parents who just do too much for their kids. A little bit of hovering when they are young is fine, they need it to feel secure and loved, but you do need to learn to let them do things on their own, and learn to be happy for their accomplishments even if they are not praised all the time. They also need to learn to be responsible for their own actions. I am so tired of people assuming that because I don’t hover over my kids at the park or in the backyard, or wherever, that I am lazy. Just the opposite. It is sometimes harder to sit back and let kids learn their own lessons the hard way then it is to swoop in and save the day. At times I feel like helicopter parenting is the easy way out, not the other way around. Stop assuming that because someone isn’t hovering that they are lazy and don’t want to parent. Many of us want to let our kids learn things for themselves. Oh, and I didn’t find anything wrong with the comment about the drawing. Constantly praising kids over every little thing is just another aspect of this everybody wins, nobody is ever wrong culture we are raising. All it is doing is creating a bunch of entitled kids who think they can do no wrong.
[...] I’ve written before, overpraising kids isn’t so good. In fact, in our efforts to protect our kids from adversity and make them happy, we’re actually [...]