10 Things Never To Say To A Mom
An etiquette checklist
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1. "You look tired!"
This just might be the worst phrase ever. No good can come of saying it. Feeling like crap is bad; getting confirmation of it, worse. Let’s all permanently delete the words from our mental hard drives. (Unless you'd like to use it on your evil boss.) -
2. "Do you work?"
Whether or not a mom has a job with a paycheck is beside the point. Every mom works — the morning shift, the afternoon shift, the night shift, the wee-hours shift. We are cooks, housecleaners, chauffeurs, stylists, toy fixers, and butt-wipers. We don’t even get insurance or Summer Fridays, although there are some job perks like kisses and hugs. But please, don't ask if we work. We do: All. The. Damn. Time. -
3. “You look like such a mom!”
Especially intolerable when stated by a woman who is a) younger than you and b) has smaller hips than you do. -
4. “Oh, my, you have your hands full.”
Are you saying I have too many kids? Or that I look like I can’t handle it? Or that my kids are being bratty? There’s nothing helpful in that statement whatsoever. -
5. “That top/dress is so flattering on you.”
“Flattering” somehow always seems to be code for, “It disguises your bison-like shape.” Just say the top, dress or pants look good. -
6. “If that were my child, I’d [fill in the blank]!”
Yes, my child may be lying in the middle of Aisle 9, having a tantrum, and attracting unsolicited comments, but getting that comment from a passerby is enough to make me want to fling myself down and scream. Back away, discipline nosybody, and nobody gets hurt. -
7. “My kid also went through a nose-picking phase!”
It’s mortifying enough to have a child with a finger permanently up his nose. Could you maybe just pretend not to notice? -
8. “When’s the baby due?”
Actually, there is no baby in there — just baby fat, left over from the last kid. And if you stammer “Oh, yeah, people always ask if I am pregnant too!” it won’t make things any better. -
9. “I wouldn’t let my child eat that.”
Yes, I am aware that I am letting my child eat a non-organic hot dog and/or a Twinkie. It is not an offense punishable by law. Please keep your food cop tendencies to yourself. -
10. “Glad I’m not the only one who wears mom jeans!”
‘Nuf said. -
A co-worker actually told me last month that I should wear my hear straight more often because it made me look like a girl while wearing my hair curly made me look like a mom. I really loved the comment because I love being a mom and…I am a mom. I tried to find reasons to not like the comment but I I failed
Also I hate hearing that I look great for having four kids. I’d like to hear that I look great…period
That was awesome. I would also add: “I’m surprised you have a child so young.”
#11) “I know exactly what you are going through, I went through it myself. Usually said by the same people that mutter about my lack of control of my child. Nope, you never had a child with autism…cause if you did you wouldn’t be saying that or acting that way!
Ditto on the autism. No, my child is not a brat. He is clearly bothered by your invasive behavior and wants you to stop. Why do people think its ok to get in a child’s face or try to force them to eat something they hate or my favorite, decide what’s comfortable for them when they clearly are telling you its not. My all time favorite comment, “when I have kids I’m going to do it differently”. Yup, I bet they will.
I am SO with you on “I know exactly what you are going through,” I have a child with cerebral palsy. Although I’ve also realized people say it as a way to make conversation or because they’re not sure what else to say. Same reason they say “I’m sorry” when I tell them Max has CP. Molly, if anyone ever told me “I’m surprised you have a child so young,” I’d throw my walker at them. And Christen? You’re gorgeous!
It bugs me when people say, “Oh, it’s nice that you’re able to afford staying home with your daughter.” Uh…my husband is in medical school right now, and I could only find a part-time job in our little town. Why in the world would I work to essentially pay for daycare? I might as well stay at home. Whether I stay at home & struggle financially on savings like we’re doing or work to provide childcare (like my mom did) is no one’s business. We’re all trying to get along as moms the best we know how…
My favorite is when they look at me, then around at my son (whos is MUCH lighter than me, but is also on my BACK in a SLING.) and say “Oh how cute, is he yours??”
No, I’m just leasing him till the new model cones out… Here’s your sign!
Best one was in the mall, with my friend who’s a shade or two lighter than my son (im like 3 or 4 shades Darker than him).. They look at me (afro & all) & I’m pushing the stroller, then to my friend in her green eyes & light skin (who is 21 but looks 16), then to my son (in the Stoller IM pushing) and ask to my friend “Aww, is he yours? How old is he?”
I just blink as she laughs, and promptly say “No, this ones mine”. They always get a shocked look on his face!
Ps: “Is it a boy or girl” is only acceptable for NEWBORNS wearing gender neutral colors. Not a toddler wearing obviously boy clothes!!!
The rudest comments and actions i have ever heard and encountered and there were quite a few of them as i have 5 children here is one of them 1. while traveling the grey hound obnoxouse passenger says your baby is hungry feed him (he was tired and cranky wouldnt you be not being able to play and run around), to which i stated well he just ate a whole double hamburger,zpple wedges, a parfait and a milk what more can i jam in his stomach without making him puke? she gave him crackers to which he crumbled and threw them at her and started to throw a tantrum…my thoughts on that (thanks for being a nosy body, scaring my child, and upsetting me and making the bus ride alot more stressfull for all). Then you have the people who know it all and just ‘know’ how to do things better like they have a part in raising your child people need to realize there advice is just going to piss in the wind and there actions only aggrevate there fellow moms. i dont get why people feel entitled to raise YOUR child esp the ones who dont have any.
My son was in the NICU and a girl I knew told me that if my baby had to be on a vent then he should just die because the weak just take up space. He was a 36 weaker and had to be induced because I had ecclampsia. My son spent four days on a vent and 13 days in Cincinnati Childrens Hospital-he is perfectly healthy now.
I was talking to my husbands assistant, who’s 20 and in college. She was telling me about some new bars and clubs she and her friends like to go to, one of which is considered a ‘cougar hangout’. Her guy friends like to go there to look at the ‘hot moms’ they consider cougars. She told me I’d fit in great there. I’m 33. NICE
I hate when people say very very hateful things about only children , most of the time it is not by choice.Also not all only children are the same . It is very hurtful to call only children names.
in my family we had four girls born the same year, two twins that do not look alike are white, one is half black, and the other half fillipino, it’s funny to take two of them out, and they ask (even though they look nothing alike) how cute, and then are they yours? Nope, i just sstole some kids… sometimes i’m out with a two y/o three y/o and two 4y/o’s and they theink i have two sets of twins…. freakin ppl kill me
Moms ~ get over yourselves. Be a Mom for 30,35 years and don’t be surprised if some of these (obviously tactless but well meaning)come out of your perfect lips!.
AMEN!! ESPECIALLY #2.
That’s way the bestest aneswr so far!
me and my older sister took our kids to the movies and at the end of the movie we do a potty break before lunch she turns and says dang you look old lol hello i just gave birth to a baby 4m ago
love #10 im all over mom jeans
I’ve been guilty of #4. But I meant it as a compliment! At the time I was raising one baby who couldn’t yet walk or talk, and was still overwhelmed. I found it awe-inspiring that other moms I knew were (to my eyes) seamlessly juggling the school, sports and playdate schedules of 3 or 4 kids while keeping their house clean. Didn’t think I’d ever be able to do that. But like everything else in life, given time and experience you learn to do these things and do them well.
I have 4 girls 2 look like me 2 look like my husband. I am white, but I have very dark skin for a white girl and black hair. My husband on the other hand is a blonde-redhead. I hate taking the kids shopping. People would always ask me where I got my fair skinned babies from. Or how cute did you adopt them. I mean really! Just by looking at my girls you can tell they are sisters.
I’m a mom of three (6,4, and 2) and I think I’ve seen all of these personally except maybe the mom jeans. I agree the “tired” one can be disheartening, but for the most part all of these are harmless. If you let a stranger rile you up b/c they express their opinion about your situation you are giving them way too much power over you. it’s like the car that cuts you off and then flips you off (they are in the wrong) but you stew about it all day. They’ve long forgotten about you.
People don’t usually mean to be rude or offensive. . . I am a very young mom (27 now) and I have an 8, 7, and 5 yr old . . . I hear a lot that I don’t look old enough to have three kids, that I’m too thin to have actually birthed those children or that I must have my hands full. Instead of getting offended or upset, I simply just say “I’m not old enough! lol” or “Nope, they’re mine (smile) and I worked hard to lose the 135pounds I gained!
” or “I do have my hands full! lol” It’s true. I’m not really “old enough” to be a mother of three, but I am. It’s taken me 5 years and alot of effort to get my weight back to where it should be(but they can’t be expected to know that). I have three kids and two hands. . . yes, they are very full! 
Just try to come up with a response that you are comfortable with for the phrases you hear a lot, and remember that most people really do mean well.
I think the only one of these comments that would upset me is the, “when is the baby due” comment since I’m very senstive about my post baby body. Seriously though, I can’t figure out why people would be upset about most of the comments in this article. “You look tired” to me would translate to “I sympathize with how much you have to do and how little sleep you get.” As a single mom with a FT outside the house job, I like when people say things like “you have your hands full.” To me that acknowledges just how much I have to juggle. I think articles like this only serve to put the thought in our heads that we SHOULD get upset over such comments. And if the comments are over your child’s behavior…who cares?! If you know that you are diciplining your child the best way you know how, then who gives a rats a$% what anyone else thinks about it. Life is too short to let such things get under our skin!
I don’t really care how many hate letters I get, but I do ALL of the things that a stay-at-home mom does, (Toy fixing, butt-wiping, breakfast/dinner making, lunch packing, house cleaning, driving kids to hockey, dance, basic plumbing, etc., AND I work 8-12 hours out of the home everyday. The times that I have stayed home, (lay-offs, maternity leave, etc) my house was always clean and I had most of my errands done before noon and. I didn’t find it all that challenging. Now maybe if I was Octomom, it would suck! Not having my own money would suck! But the work at home and the work outside of the home is just not the same. For example do you have any jerk bosses or crazy co-workers at home? Just because I have to work outside of the home so that my children don’t starve and can have insurance doesn’t meant that I get a break. That’s FAR from the truth. I also never get any sleep or time to myself. “Me” time? WTH is that?! Consider yourself blessed that you are able to stay home with your child and can maybe use school or nap time to catch up on things or relax. And for the ones who’s kids are in school 6 hours a day while you are home alone and have the house to yourself to do whatever you want, I don’t even want to hear it! Oh and how about coming up to school to volunteer sometime? I do!
Amen to #2!
I definitely agree that all of these are bound to tick an overwhelmed mom off. ESPECIALLY “You look tired” or “Do you work”…. Like HELLO, No shizz I look tired, maybe it’s because I AM tired! And HEY, I have enough work at home already! Maybe YOU should try taking care of a child 24/7 and then tell me if you want to work as well! Also “If that were my child I’d _______” You’d what? Say that to my face, ’cause you don’t know what I’m dealing with.
When i was 7 months pregnant i was in walmart with my other son and someone had the nerve to let me know that she was selling a tredmill and i could probably use it. I very politely said i thank her from her concern but in the next couple of months i have a lot more eating to do and a lot more weight to gain and i would pass. Then i walked away!!!
AMEN!
my sisters baby had colic BAD for a long time and no matter what, she wouldnt quit crying. my sister couldnt just not go anywhere so she was in the store getting some stuff with my niece crying the whole time, then when she went to the car, put her in it and standed outside the van talking to her mom on the phone some woman stopped and had the nerve to say “you need to get off your phone and tend to your baby” and man that wasnt smart. my sister chased her down and went off!! lol
Lighten up babble! Are you really that offended if someone says you look tired or that you have your hands full? Sheesh…
For the record, I hate the slide-show format too. It rarely loads properly and when it does, it takes forever.
Never give parenting advice unless asked for it. Never give advice of any kind unless asked for it.
Could we make a list for all the moms out there of things not to say to a single or childless woman? For instance: “You don’t understand;” “Aren’t you lonely?;” and my favorite, “Oh, kids just do that” (after the little unsupervised brat almost tripped you in the grocery store).
it seems like a great article but you will enjoy this one more read here…http://is.gd/Yo5fib
Yes, I agree with Merry. If you’ve been blessed with a child just STFU and quit agonizing because your hips are big and your kids act like brats and people are noticing. You’ve been given the greatest gift in the world and one car accident could put you in the same boat as those of us who weren’t given that gift.
i’d like to add another thing to not say: is that your grandchild? it is quite common now a days to see women in their 40′s having children. (i’m one of those, with 4 kids ranging from 23-3)– a few gray hairs does NOT make me a grandmother
laffngrl2, I’m an “old” mom, too, and it really hurt for people to ask me if my son was my grandchild. I try to beat them to the punch now and just tell them I have an 18 year gap between my children. My first has a form of autism and is developmentally delayed, so I guess I had my own grandchild. They still sometimes blather on about how I must have forgotten about how birth control works, but it shuts them up when I tell them I wanted my daughter to have someone to talk to after I’m gone and to look in on her, hopefully. StillNotAMom, I’m sorry that you have not been able to have a child, but your bitter attitude does not help us who do to feel better when we are spoken to rudely. Our feelings STILL hurt, even though you don’t deem us worthy to feel the way we do.
Get over yourselves. You chose to have a kid, so deal with it. And if that child is badly behaved, it’s the lack of good parenting on your part–not the fault of strangers who are being annoyed/inconvenienced by your brat–that is to blame. As for the comments that may offend you (but in NO WAY are meant to offend), accept that some people aren’t as well-versed in empathy speech as others.
also not a good idea, ” honey when you finish feeding the baby and putting her to bed can you please get me a sandwich?”
I’m sorry but stay at home moms do work a lot, but it is not a CAREER. When I say “Do you work”, I mean OUT of the house. Mom is not a career. Also. stop bitching, if you want to be a mom, deal with it/
Childless by choice, what are you doing on this page if it is by choice, go get the life you chose. Get off this page it is not for you.
This is something special to those people who are saying “You decided to have kids, deal with it.” or “No. It doesn’t count as a job.” Let me tell you something.. I have three very beautiful little girls that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I work my ass off inside and outside of my home. It doesn’t matter what the hell you “do” for a living, NOTHING is as important as being a mom. It IS a full time job in itself, especially when you have more then one kid. What she said in the article is completely true. You’re a nurse, a chef, an artist, a maid, a chauffeur, a teacher..etc.. It’s a 24 hr a day, 7 day a week job if you’re doing it right. I don’t want to hear a thing from those moms who work full time outside of the home by choice and have someone else watching their kid all day, every day, 5+ days per week, about how they stayed home one day and it wasn’t so hard with their one kid who goes to school all day. Honey, you have no idea. Keep your comments to yourself until you really know what it’s like to be with your child all day every day.. And I mean not going out with your friends on the weekends, or to mid-day brunches with their co-workers.. I’ll tell you right now that I have more respect for the stay at home mother then I do for the mom who shoots their kids off to babysitters/day care and hasn’t an inkling of what its really like. Just sayin’.. Keep your mouth shut unless you really know what its like.
I do all the things stay-at-home moms do PLUS I work full time + from my home office. Waking up each morning and deciding “should I color today or should I sweep the floor? Or watch Barney?” is NOT a career. and for those of you who think i CHOOSE to work can go shove it, are you truly that STUPID? No I dont CHOOSE to work, i CHOOSE to have a roof over my head and not live on government assistance in some low-income high-crime apartments?
yeah and if I’m dealing with a tantruming toddler in the grocery store, do NOT pass off any comments because I have gotten right up in those peoples faces. Do you realize how much restraint we are exercising at that point? It will take a slight draft to make us completely snap and take out our frustrations on YOU, gladly. Go ahead.. give us a reason.
Before I had kids of my own, I was one of “those” who thought “MY kid wont act like that, oh heck no..” and “Oh what a crappy mother, i cant believe she did _____” and now ? I realize what an ignorant betch I was and had NO CLUE, no clue. Going through the grocery store, for example, you want me to keep my “brat” quiet right? That would mean absolutely 100% saying YES to every item of candy and cake and cookie he/she grabs off the shelf every 30 seconds, because if I say no just to one thing, you WILL Hear about it. So when I get to the register with a huge haul of junk food, you will STILL sneer and shake your head because of the junk I’m giving my kids. That’s why, i just let the kid scream in the store… because YOU and your opinion of me are not important.
So what are you house-mouses doing today? Going to Sing-and-dance at the library group ? or playing PlayDoh, then taking a nap after lunch ? yeah, that’s tough… or are you going to shop online and spend your husband’s money ? Have fun with all that. I have to get to work.
Sounds like some of you peeps have anger issues. Was that on the list anywhere? Just curious.
I think a lot of people are missing the point. I don’t think “normal” people see being a mom as a “career”. The few I do know say that, and it kinda makes me wonder if they do that so they don’t have to work. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work, and there are some days I can’t WAIT to go to work. But I am also not the type to stick my kid in a daycare 40+ hours a week and have someone else raise them.
I don’t really think you can do what a stay-at-home mom does AND work at the same time. One “job” or the other is getting screwed out of your attention. I’m a stay-at-home mom by day, and then I work FT nights to help keep our family’s income stable. Oh yea, I also go to school. So for those on this list who say we just sit at home and watch Barney, or just color…try doing housework, keeping your little ones occupied, educated, and happy while trying to do a legal project on a deadline. Or, do the mom thing during the day, go to work at night, and THEN come home and do homework til midnight. It’s damn near impossible, but I do it cuz I love my family and want to better our lives.
Goodness, it surprises me that people who don’t have children take the time to comment on this article as if they really know what it is like to have children. I am an older first time mom- 36, with an 8th month old. I can honestly say now – I had NO idea how challenging it would be, how wonderful, and simultaneously torturing. Yes it is a choice, and no, having children is definitely not for everyone, but it is the most unique, humbling, life leveling experience I’ve had to date. I have multiple grad degrees, have traveled the world, have had stressful meaningful jobs.. but nothing prepared me for motherhood. It takes everything you’ve got and then 1000 times more. Whether you call motherhood a career or not, that’s semantics… but thinking you know how difficult and awe inspiring it is if you don’t have kids – is naive.
The biggest thing moms need to remember is that no matter what you do… someone will think you’re wrong!! (Sadly, you will probably be related to a large number of the worst offenders on the criticism front.)
If you have only one child, you’re depriving them of the fun of a sibling. If you have many, you’re depriving them of one-on-one time. If you stay at home with your children you’re lazy and wasting your mind. If you work, you’re abandoning your children to be raised by strangers. If you’re young then you were irresponsible and slutty. If you’re older then you must not care about being around for your child when he’s an adult. And on, and on, and on, and on.
Just learn to ignore those who are rude and try to take with a grain of grace those who mean well but caught you at the wrong moment.
As a mom of 7 I’ve been in pretty much every one of those categories at one time or another… and I have one with autism as well! If you’re doing what is right for you and your child… then you’re doing what’s right and no one’s opinion matters.
@childlessbychoice and @stillnotamom: WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SITE IF YOU DON”T HAVE KIDS??
Moms- If you are going to be prepared to love a child from a baby to adulthood, you are going to have to develop thicker skin. That is just how it is! And that isn’t to be mean, but think about it, kids don’t think about the long term effects of their words and actions. And some adlts don’t either! Don’t let anyone criticize your abilities to raise a child. YOU KNOW BETTER. If you love your little one, no matter what, that’s all you need!
If your kid is on the floor having a tantrum in a grocery store, take him out to the car. It is simple common courtesy. The reason why you are getting stares is because you are annoying the crap out of those around you. Some of these I can sort of understand but the person that wrote this article was definitely overly sensitive.
My heart went up into my throat! How dare someone say that your child should DIE! I hope you blocked her on every form of communication created by man!
She is an idiot, let see when she gets to your age how she will look like. Watch out with her she may like your husband.