I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up: Gwyneth Paltrow’s tutor.
Well, not her tutor, but the tutor for her kids with husband, rock star Chris Martin. Apparently they’re looking to hire someone for $98,000 a year plus an all-expense paid, free apartment in West London and free travel with the family as they amble around the world.
The commitment isn’t ideal — between 2 and 4 hours a day — since I had been hoping for just 45 minutes to an hour, max. But I’ll deal.
It’ll be great. I’ll teach them all about the history of their names: the varieties of tree fruits for Apple, 7, and the Bible for Moses, 6 (Old and New Testament, since Gwyneth is half Jewish). And they can teach me what it’s like to be born unto Oscar and Grammy winners with the world at their disposal.
Part of the job requirement is also to teach the kids Ancient Greek, Latin, French and Spanish. I’m pretty good at French, excellent at Pig Latin and Spanglish, and can say “Grandma” in Greek. I’ll make sure we eat at every Chinese restaurant we can find and figure out which characters on the menu spell “egg roll” and “pork fried rice.” The Chinese lessons will be a little gift from me to them — no extra charge (although of course I’ll expense the actual meals).
Gwyneth and Chris also want their kids’ tutor to play two instruments, which means they’d be in luck with me as their hire: I played the oboe for four years in elementary school and have nine years of piano under my belt. Sure, Heart and Soul is all I have really managed to remember on the keyboard and I’m not sure I could pick an oboe over a bassoon out of a woodwind lineup anymore, but I have music in my soul regardless.
Of course I have my demands, too. Like if Madonna is going to come over for a workout, she has to watch the Material Girl video with me so I can ask her why she picked the ugly dude with the beard to be the romantic hero instead of someone hunkier. And if we go out for a pint with Bono, I need to be allowed to ask if he’s hiding something underneath his sunglasses, and if his wife actually calls him Bono.
Since they’re celebrities, they can rest assured that I’m discreet. I won’t let the kids play with the riff raff, which, if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow or Chris Martin, is pretty much anyone who’s not them. Don’t worry that they’ll be lonely; we’ll have each other.
So assuming they’ll be calling me at any moment, I need to pack my bags and hop on a private jet. If someone could let my husband know where I’ve gone and my daughter that it’s been real, that’d be great. Toodles.
If money were no object, would you pay a really good tutor $98,000 a year to teach your kids?
We Don’t Need No Education: Is it necessary to send your kid to preschool?