We Keep Joking About Rihanna, But Her Chris Brown Addiction Is a Serious Problem
In case you haven’t heard yet, last night at the MTV VMAs, Rihanna and Chris Brown kissed. On the lips. In public. During the ceremony. In front of the entire music industry. In front of thousands of young viewers. Rihanna recently admitted in an interview with Oprah that she still loves Chris Brown, and she said that when she left him she felt like she lost her best friend. Jezebel noted today, “On Oprah’s Next Chapter, she sort of defended Brown as a person and compared him favorably to her father (who hit her mother regularly).”
Two weeks ago, Joan Rivers came under scrutiny for cracking a joke about Rihanna’s inability to let go of her abuser. The legendary comedian tweeted, “Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfrey that she still loves Chris Brown. Idiot! Now it’s MY turn to slap her.” It’s a hilarious, well-written, totally succinct joke with clear undertones of concern for Rihanna. I don’t begrudge Rivers for making the quip, but the problem is, Rihanna’s inability to let go of her abuser isn’t funny. The joke is funny, but the problem isn’t. And confusing pain with love is such an enormous problem suffered by so many women and girls in this country. So while it’s fine to face the issue with humor, we need to also really try to bring sincere awareness to abuse victims as well – without mocking them. Calling an abuse victim an “idiot” isn’t going to do much but make them feel bad about themselves and reinforce the resentment they have toward those who are mocking their inability to stop obsessing over the person causing them pain. A victim of relationship abuse – especially a young one – thinks, “You just don’t get it. You don’t get the passion and intensity of our relationship. Yes, I know it’s fucked up, but I love him! And in his own twisted way, he loves me, too. And if you think that makes me an idiot, then you’re an idiot.” And nothing changes.
Here’s the thing, Rihanna. I don’t think you’re an idiot. I think you are a broken spirit looking for love in all the wrong places. I think, like so many women – and men, too – you have learned to confuse intensity with intimacy. You have intertwined the concepts of love and pain. You don’t understand that love is not abuse. Like I did when I was your age, you have rationalized the abuse by telling yourself, “This dude treats me the same way my mother/father/whoever does but at least he’ll also put his dick inside me which feels kinda good.” I’d like to think I broke the cycle when I was your age, but I didn’t. The truth is, even after leaving a marriage that was emotionally and psychologically abusive, I went on to date yet another emotional manipulator who hurt me very badly. As an adult woman with a child. And it was only that relationship that really bottomed me out and allowed me to see my co-dependency issues.
And I’ll tell you this, because it’s very important to me. It means so much to me, it means the whole world to me right now: the problem with the way we shake our heads, wag our fingers and tsk-tsk at victims of domestic violence, emotional abuse, psychological warfare, is that we – no matter our best intentions – are so willing to view the abuse as the victim’s issue. (Snarky condescension from Jezebel’s post today: “Ohh, Ri-Ri. You break my heart.”) This issue is so personal to me – because I have lived it and am still dealing with the repercussions of these relationships – and yet I know I have been guilty of this judgment of both others and myself, because abusers are so good at getting us to believe nothing is their fault. That is their M.O. That is how they thrive. That is how they are able to continue on, shifting the blame and making themselves victims. And they are victims – who have gone on to victimize. It’s so, so, so, so just unbelievably sad. Because an abuse victim’s instinct is actually to sympathize with their abuser and feel sorry for what they have been through. The victim can’t face his or her own pain because it’s too much to bear so they focus instead on healing someone outside of themselves. And that’s how they stay trapped in the cycle. And it is a trap. It is incredibly difficult to get out of, to walk away from. It is not a joke. It is a horror show.
But just like abusers do, us bystanders point fingers and place the ultimate blame with the victim. “Well, she’s bringing this on herself,” we think, “because she refuses to leave.” This kind of thinking completely ignores the learned helplessness and lack of self-esteem and self-love that victims are plagued by, and the physical and mental addiction to pain that victims face. So many if not all victims of relationship abuse are victims of some kind of child abuse as well, or, as in Rihanna’s case, they had relationship abuse modeled for them. Or both. I don’t know Rihanna’s history with her parents, but it’s easy to imagine that a man who hit his partner also hit his children. This physically abusive treatment creates a wound that victims look to heal either by replicating the abuse (Chris Brown) or seeking out similar abuse (Rihanna). This dynamic is everywhere. It is all around us. I guarantee you several people you know have experienced relationship dynamics like this. Some people are able to escape it earlier. For others, it takes longer, likely depending on how severe the wounds they’re trying to heal are. This is an enormous problem. For everyone. Broken, dysfunctional people are a burden on society, their families and themselves.
That’s why I think maybe instead of cracking one-liners about and shaking our heads at Ri-Ri (ugh), maybe, just maybe, those of us stupidly gawking from behind our televisions and computer screens should continue to tell the truth about the dynamic of her relationship with Chris Brown. We should continue to offer encouragement to her, not scorn. I mean, for Christ’s sake, every single one of her amazing pop songs that we all love to dance and jam to and belt out at the top of our lungs is a cry for fucking help, and yet the best we can offer her is the side-eye, pursed lips and a wagging finger? Bullshit. Total and utter disappointing, sad bullshit. Joke about everything, yes. Heal pain with laughter. Illuminate the truth with humor. But be conscious about who is a deserving target. Know if you’re helping or hurting. Or be just like every other jerk.
Photo credit: still from MTV VMAs via US Weekly
I understand that it may be hard to separate your feelings for a person who has physically or mentally hurt you, but when you go back to that person and the same thing occurs, you are no longer a victim, you are ignorant in thinking the person has changed
The first and second halves of your statement contradict one another.
Great post, Carolyn
Not contradicting at all:
1) your boyfriend/girlfriend abuses you
2) you are confused because you thought they cared for you and it is hard to separate from them
3) you separate from them
4) you get back together and they abuse you again
5) you are less of a victim because you thought they had changed
I’m not attacking women, just trying to understand why some women would want to stay with/or reunite with an abusive man. I just can’t fathom myself getting beat to a pulp, then staying with that person. Seems cut-and-dry but I guess that’s not the case.
I’m no expert, but does anyone have stats on how many men/women re-abuse their victims? I’m looking for something like this hypothetical example: 75% of men who abuse their partner once were found to abuse them a second time. Or, how many times these abuses lead to the death of their partner after 1 abuse was reported.
Confused: what you’re failing to consider is what has happened to people who end up in abusive romantic relationships BEFORE they enter those relationships, the prior abuse that drives them into those relationships, and then keeps them stuck there. I detail that dynamic very clearly in my post. Please re-read.
I would like to know the author’s take about what it says about Chris Brown that he has been volunteering and attending a domestic violence center ever since the Rihanna assault. Apparently, he has been interacting with victims of domestic violence and have been speaking to the youth with his mom. Now, him being a victim of DV as a child and later becoming a abuser, what more can he do to try and do right. He has taken responsibility he has done his court order service. He has been praised by a distinguished L.A. judge as the best probationer she has ever had. He is speaking and learning at a domestic violence center, without looking for press time and PR. He has been torn up and slandered on various occasions by the media who is looking for a story before the truth. Now, Chris has been far from perfect ever since the incident and he still has to work on some issues but a monster he is not and if he can grown and work on himself some more I think Chris and Rihanna can have a wonderful relationship.
Also – and this is very important: you are not LESS of a victim because you “think someone (an abuser) has changed.” If you are hit, you are always the victim of someone hitting you. That is blame shifting at its finest, and a huge part of the problem. Furthermore, abusive partners often go out of their way to CONVINCE their victims that they have changed so that they will come back. That is also manipulative and abusive. So, the bottom line is, your logic is flawed, incorrect, wrong and offensive. Even your handle “Confused” is passive-aggressive. You are not “confused.” You are trying to shift/deflect blame.
One more thing: Rihanna is only 24. She was assaulted by Chris Brown when she was 21. The brain isn’t fully formed until age 25, and the last part of the brain to mature is the part that can assess risk. I talk about that phenomenon in this post: http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2012/07/05/shouldnt-it-be-harder-to-get-married-and-easier-to-get-divorced/
Sorry, I was not trying to offend anyone. I am still confused on this whole issue. Bare with me while I try to figure it out. I understand a victim is a victim, and should not have said otherwise. What I was trying to say was: if abuse hurt you in the past as a child, and you get into an abusive relationship, why stay in it after the first abuse? I understand your comment that sometimes people get physically/mentally addicted to pain, but Is there nowhere in this country where a man/women can go to get any self-confidence from someone (doctor, guidance couselor) who will say “you are better than that, you do not need to be in an abusive relationship”. It seems like maybe more outlets need to become available to women of abuse that will allow them to realize they have so many other options than that abusive relationship.
Sorry again if my comments offended anyone, just trying to understand this confusing topic.
I agree with you there. We do need to talk about this issue more openly so that women feel more confident and less willing to take abuse. That’s why I’m writing about it. And going to therapy. As my therapist told me, there are lots of people out there advocating for victims and prevention, but the information and outlets seem hard to find. I hope that changes in my lifetime.
maybe there is more to the story. I have much respect for riri for having the courage to follow her heart. anyway, some couples do work things out. that is an option. blessings to them both.
I find it frustrating when people don’t seem to *get* that when you are raised in an abusive household, being abused just feels normal. Most people have trouble leaving their own lifelong normal. That’s why it’s so important to treat children with respect and not repeat that cycle. I really want to bash my head against a brick wall (self abuse!) when people try to proclaim, “I was beaten with a belt and I turned out perfectly fine!” Oh, really? You turned out to be a person who thinks it’s okay to eat children with a belt and you’re raising children for whom that feels normal.
I know, Linda. I know. Our generation (I don’t know how old you are, but the parents who have young children now) are the ones who have to step up and speak out. There’s a window of opportunity here culturally – therapy is so mainstream, there’s awareness about mental illness. I really believe – and I’ve been talking about this stuff with a lot of friends, one of whom is a clinical social worker for schizophrenics – a lot of mental illness is really just a symptom of emotional wounds. I’ve done all of this reading about narcissistic wounds and healing them and breaking the cycle and it has been so enlightening. I never could have imagined my life being focused on this issue, but it is. And I never could have imagined it because when I was younger I was lost in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Add shame to that cocktail of crazy and that’s how you make denial pie! Mmmmmmm….