Clearly, live hand grenades make a poor gift for children. So too do gift certificates to the local strip club. And don’t even think about wrapping up some left over marijuana. Okay, so no one in their right mind would even for a moment consider any of those to be acceptable gifts for children — or adults, even. The Huffington Post, however, has compiled a list of 15 toys that aren’t much better and are clearly aimed directly at kids.
The list includes such winners as the Girls Only “My Cleaning Trolley” (apparently so your daughter can learn her right place in society), the pole dancing doll (just in case janitors don’t earn enough for your daughter), and Bebé Glotón, the breastfeeding baby doll, which the HuffPo explains is for young girls “because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby” (um, I guess, in case your pole-dancing, cleaning-lady daughter finds herself in the family way.)
And don’t think they’ve left the boys out either. There is the Playmobil security checkpoint set (for the future totalitarian dictator), the electroshock game where the last player to buzz in gets electrocuted (for the future torturer), or the self-pleasuring Tarzan doll (because totalitarian, torturous dictators need love too). All of these are pretty out there, but there are some they’ve missed, I’m sure.
One item that I won’t be getting for my youngest is the Jack Potty from Safety First — it’s a training potty for kids that includes an integrated slot machine. That’s right, flush your poo and get three cherries for the win! I think I’ll pass on the combined pooping and gambling lessons. Then there’s the Indiana Jones Room Booby Trap set — you can prepare your kid for any sort of temple-defiling adventure they might encounter, even as they attack the rest of the family with plastic bugs and foam darts.
So what are the toys you’ve seen but won’t be buying any time soon for your little ones?
Photo: Uncle Roger