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What The? 25 Vintage Valentine’s Day Cards That Will Shock or Confuse You

wtf-13It’s about eight o’clock on Valentine’s Day eve. I just got done addressing all the Valentine’s Day cards for my 4-year-old daughter’s pre-school class.

Like an idiot I had envisioned us crafting Valentines together at the dining room table. Stuffing envelopes with cards that she had signed with her chicken scratch V-I-O-L-E-T.

Or course, that got old after it took us a half hour to address three Valentines. After that I distracted her with chocolate and finished the rest on my own.

Did you know they barely even sell Valentines with envelopes anymore? Most of the crap on sale is this new-fangled type of cardboard card with perforated edges that kind of folds together. No quaint little envelope to address or stuff with candy. No pithy little Valentine to delight upon. Just some cardboard piece of nothing showcasing Spongebob wishing you a sponge-tastic day.

I long for the good old days when a group of Don Draper-esque type dudes put their heads together and churned out some original Valentine’s Day sentiments.

Except, well, after stumbling upon this batch of vintage Valentines maybe Spongebob ain’t so bad. I dunno. You tell me. What’s worse? A cow destined for the slaughterhouse begging for your heart or Dora wishing you feliz día de San Valentín?

Brace yourself. Thar be clowns in here.

nggallery id=130156

  • Be My Valentine 1 of 23
    Be My Valentine
    We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
  • Snow Use 2 of 23
    Snow Use
    Whoa! Whoa! Sorry to interrupt. Mrs. Frosty is not going to be happy.
  • I’ll Never Be False To You 3 of 23
    I'll Never Be False To You
    Because nothing says romance like Grannie's dentures.
  • To My Dearest Valentine 4 of 23
    To My Dearest Valentine
    I am plotting your imminent demise.
  • Mooning Over You 5 of 23
    Mooning Over You
    They had to put the rocket right there, didn't they?
  • To My Pin-Up 6 of 23
    To My Pin-Up
    I just... I'm not sure... Can you? Nevermind.
  • Hungry For A Valentine 7 of 23
    Hungry For A Valentine
    Or your beating heart. Either one.
  • I’ll Nail You Yet 8 of 23
    I'll Nail You Yet
    Is this supposed to be a double entendre?
  • Bound To Be Your Valentine 9 of 23
    Bound To Be Your Valentine
    And also? I will bind up your wrists and torture you until you die.
  • Be My Valentine! 10 of 23
    Be My Valentine!
    Or else...
  • Valentine Offering 11 of 23
    Valentine Offering
    This chick has a boyfriend? Not buying it.
  • I’d Like To Meat A Valentine 12 of 23
    I'd Like To Meat A Valentine
    Do these dead chickens turn you on?
  • A Weenie Bit 13 of 23
    A Weenie Bit
    No, dude. Most girls don't like a bit of weenie.
  • A Girl For Every Day of the Week 14 of 23
    A Girl For Every Day of the Week
    Wait, what? Aren't you supposed to hide that, not declare it on a card?
  • You Bonehead 15 of 23
    You Bonehead
    Don't make me go all skeletor on your ass!
  • Message of Love 16 of 23
    Message of Love
    THIS is your message of love? Well, damn. I don't want to get on your bad side.
  • I’ve Got Do-Re-Mi 17 of 23
    I've Got Do-Re-Mi
    Is that rabbit dead? Wait. Is that even a rabbit?
  • I’ve Played A Joke On You 18 of 23
    I've Played A Joke On You
    You certainly have. The joke is most definitely on me...
  • Don’t Be Gross 19 of 23
    Don't Be Gross
    Nothing like fart jokes to get someone in the mood for love.
  • Crying My Eyes Out For You 20 of 23
    Crying My Eyes Out For You
    Is that a pumpkin? An onion? I just don't know.
  • A-Pealing To You 21 of 23
    A-Pealing To You
    Finally, somebody just gets right to the, er, point.
  • Onion You Never Said Yes 22 of 23
    Onion You Never Said Yes
    Wait. If that's an onion what the hell is this?
  • I’ll Love You As Long As Olive 23 of 23
    I'll Love You As Long As Olive
    In the words of Paris Hilton, "That's hot."

All photos used with permission from Flickr.com/pageofbats who has amassed a most excellent collection of absurdity.

You can also find Monica on her personal blog, The Girl Who.

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