Was Facebook Making Me a Bad Parent? Kicking my Internet addiction
How I had to kick my Internet addiction
Last November, I took a step back from my day and realized I was spending hours a day online doing : ummm: well: not much. I spent precious time blogging about nothing, Tweeting about anything and camping out on Facebook “connecting” with friends. I realized that I was neglecting my real life – and, dare I say, my kids – in lieu of a little slice of “life” on the computer screen. What was I doing? Like every other mother out there, I often complained of “not enough time in the day,” but no wonder there wasn’t enough time; I was wasting tons! I wondered, as many of us have, what would happen if I pulled the plug and spent more one-on-one time with people – namely, my kids. I am a stay-at-home-mom and all, isn’t that the point?
The problem, of course, was my laptop – a standard fixture in my living room, tucked in a cozy little corner on a side table, just to the left of my spot on the sofa. I would get up and make the donuts like every other mom in America, but once the kids were occupied, I’d settle down to CNN or Gawker with my trusty cup of coffee by my side.
I had a blog that I posted to weekly with a roundup of whatever was on my mind on any given day. But it was Twitter that fueled the fire. For someone who loves random thoughts and musings, Twitter was the way to go. I read everything from headline news to what someone was having for breakfast, and I could skim it all in just a few minutes – perfect for someone who has the attention span of a pea.
At some point, the routine changed a bit, though. Instead of a quick little minute with the computer in the morning, it became a quick little hour while the kids watched Dora : and then Diego. Instead of an email catch-up while dinner was in the oven, it became an hour-long binge reading some of my favorite bloggers and me finally declaring, “Kids, we’re eating out!”
I love to be informed, to read about what other people are thinking or feeling, and the Internet became my vehicle for doing just that. Except it had become a nasty habit I secretly felt guilty about. Since I believe in the notion that if you feel guilty, you probably are, I knew something was wrong.
I started observing the days and realized that things were more chaotic and stressful than they needed to be. What’s worse, I realized a big contributor to the problem was me. One day, after running ragged to catch up on chores and errands, I stopped cold. Here I was, positively freaking out because it was five o’clock and I still hadn’t figured out what was for dinner. To add a little bit of crazy, the kids were bored to death and had resorted to chasing the dog all willy-nilly around the kitchen island. Madness reigned supreme.
That was the day I knew I had to switch things up. I spent way too much time knocking around the net and way too little time planning my days and playing with my kids. So I determined what I had to do on the Internet and when I could do it. I delegated certain times of the day for work and for play. I stuck with the plan and it all went peachy – for a while.
But then would come the occasional day when I didn’t have much to do and the kids were occupied. All I wanted to do was pop open the computer and spend a few minutes catching up with the world – and by world, I mean Facebook or Twitter. So I would sneak a peek here or there, mostly in response to those pesky emails Facebook sends all day long: Someone posted on your wall! Someone is having a birthday this week! Someone commented on your photo! It was all too much to resist.
Then, like an unexpected blessing, my Internet went out. Normally, this would be grounds for a major phone call to my Internet provider to “turn that thing on and do it yesterday!” Instead, I took the break in service as a real break. I could still check my email for the important stuff on my phone, but Facebook and Twitter just weren’t as much fun that way. To keep myself busy, I admit, I watched a little bit more television than I normally do. But I also hosted play dates more often than normal, we ” decorated” the playroom, and the kids and I read books together – an activity usually reserved for nighttime. We cooked together, we even cleaned together. Then, there was the alone time. I started devouring books again. I even took short little walks on snowy evenings. I managed to get my mind off of what was going on out in the world and get my mind on what was happening in my own living room. We were reconnecting. I was reconnecting. The Internet gradually faded from my consciousness. Now, a few months later, I have only visited Facebook minimally, and I haven’t Tweeted since November or blogged since October. I haven’t given up on any of it; I just needed a break to establish a better perspective.
The funny thing about my little experiment is that now I find I actually don’t want to spend countless hours online. It almost feels like those things are intrusions on my life. But of course I still use my computer – I have to, we all have to. We live in a world now where everything is at our fingertips, so I balance. Rebecca Joyner, a work-at-home mother who blogs as Country Fried Mama, takes a similar approach: “I try to be more aware of when and how I use social media and make sure that I give equal time to playing Candyland or baking cookies or snuggling with my kids.” When I was a slave to social media, I interacted with plenty of people on any given day, but I neglected two of the most important ones – my two daughters. Are things still mostly a chaotic mess from day to day? Yes, but in a good way.
I’m not a perfect mommy, whatever that is, but for me, parenting is all about what feels right. I leave my computer in the office and only visit it a few times a day. I found what works for us. In the end, that’s all I needed.
Busted! Now that I’ve finished reading your essay, I’m shutting down the computer and going to enjoy some QT with my kids. Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate!
So, I admit I still struggle with this. But, I definitely learned a few valuable lessons about time management and what was most important!
definitely. i recently deactivated my facebook for this very reason. it must be a very common struggle thesed days!
Convicting article! Because I’m on my my iPhone Internet constantly entertaining myself! Like you said – focusing more on the world rather than what’s happening in my own living room. As a new mommy to a one month old- gonna focus on this wasted time spent now.. Thanks!
I work from home, so my laptop is definitely a fixture in this house, and my kids know it. Whether it’s for business or pleasure, learning to put it all away sometimes is important. And difficult. Great piece, Jamie!
I don’t have any children, but I can see how this could easily happen. I am suffering from sort of the same thing, my real social life has been replaced by my online social life. At least you weren’t dragging the laptop to bed with you, like someone who shall remain nameless.
I have had this problem as well. I am now trying my best to keep off the internet as much at home…and only FB and blog during work hours. Haha.
The more I’m away from FB & Twitter throughout the day, the less hectic my day is. I’ve found myself at 5pm with NOTHING done– no dinner plan, no laundry, etc. I’m defnitely on a quest to be more connected to my family than I am my online community. It’s still a struggle though.
So, I realize I’m writing this as I’m perusing the Internet and wasting my time. My kids are “plugged-in” to their own addiction. All is peachy, right? Yeah, I’m such a failure at this. We’ve made Sundays our technology free day, and by midnight I’m itching to see a bright screen. Thanks for the wake up call. I definitely need to do more of this. And I’m going to start right after I check my FB News Feed!
I’ve cut way back on online time, but still need to cut back more. You only need look to see the state of my house to determine which way the online/offline scale tipped on a particular day. I need to go cold turkey for a while, but damn, it’s hard.
I will fully admit that I am addicted to facebook. I’m trying to cut back (substantially) because I want to be productive and all that yes, but mostly because I have a feeling that if the kids see mommy and daddy on the computer all the time they’ll be that way too before we know it. My biggest motivation is sheilding my kids from the facebook monster I’ve become.
I’m SO glad I’m apparently not alone in my guilt!
Wow, it seems even single people have this same problem where we lose minutes, hours and in some cases days of our life to a bright screen with words that bounce from network to network. It’s so hard to go a single day without the daily connection of others and sometimes the internet feels very much like a personal connection until you take a step back and look at it. Then you see it’s alienated you from getting outside and being around real people and life. I think the lesson learned here is like most things in life…it’s all about moderation.
I think about this a lot too. I spend way too much time online, because (justification alert!) “I like to see what’s going on in people’s lives!” I think about my own mother, when she was raising me and my sister, and I sometimes envy the internet-free life. Sometimes I wonder “how did she do it?” since she and my dad owned their home (we rent) and would’ve had not only two kids but a whole house and yard to care for. Then I think, “She didn’t have the internet!” For me, even those “just gonna check my e-mail a second” checks can turn into a marathon sitdown; it’s pathetic. I don’t know, maybe my mom would’ve enjoyed being able to see pics of her friends kids everyday, and read funny or interesting articles that people post online, but I’m not sure that the tradeoff (for me, feeling like a failure of a housewife) is worth it. Gah!
I’m in the same boat. Though I’m not on Facebook or Twitter, I do check my email and read the news online throughout the day (I’m at home with two little ones). What no one has mentioned though, is the need for some of intellectual stimulation throughout the day. Let’s face it, it can be mind-numbingly boring to play with trucks and dolls all day. The Internet is my way of using my brain a little bit.
This article really hits home. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone.
When you feel isolated and cut off from your former life, friends, and anyone over three feet to talk to, the internet can feel like a window to the outside world you press your nose against.
@NoHo Mom – for sure! Honestly, when I was land-locked with a newborn oh-so-long-ago, email and Facebook were my saving grace. This time, however, it was more about a time-suck and needing to find balance. I’m there now, barely, but there.
I work from home and have recently started blogging (www.18year2life.blogspot.com) and have been grappling with this myself lately. I find myself constantly checking email (you know, for work) and then checking Facebook for that bit of adult interaction during the day. It’s hard to determine what the right level is. Clearly, kids don’t need us in their face all day but I also don’t want to miss out on my time with them because I’m reading status updates.
I work from home and have recently started blogging (www.18years2life.blogspot.com) and have been grappling with this myself lately. I find myself constantly checking email (you know, for work) and then checking Facebook for that bit of adult interaction during the day. It’s hard to determine what the right level is. Clearly, kids don’t need us in their face all day but I also don’t want to miss out on my time with them because I’m reading status updates.
Love love love this article. This subject should really be discussed more often. I too feel this way, and have been thinking about taking a month-long hiatus from social media. We will see where that takes me.
While I have no children, I think this is an applicable topic for everyone to address. I think we could all “unplug” from a little technology. My iphone died and I went into a full on panic. I wasn’t even certain that I could find my way to the apple store without it. Can we say “intervention time”???
there’s a reason why FB calls it a “feed”….
Great Article! Totally relate!
I have often thought that what one wants is semi-permeable blinders — venetian blinders, you might say (by blinders I mean the things they put on horses to keep them looking straight ahead). If you spend too much time looking side to side at what other people are doing, you lose focus on your own objectives and life. On the other hand other people’s experiences can be instructive, reassuring, and grounding. I have found this to be true both personally and in business — you have to be tuned into what other companies are doing, but there is a careful balance here as well. It’s all about the balance, as many below have noted.
p.s. great piece, thank you. Thank goodness for internet service outages and power outages to reconnect us to the physical world. Maybe we should schedule them.
Social media can be a total life suck if not managed properly. I, too, have been a victim. I recently saw a commercial that cars (new Fords) can now link up to FB too. wth?!? Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s a great read!
Appears we’re all in the boat to some degree! That’s so reassuring
@ColicMom – I’d love to hear about your own month-long experience!
@Dana – I took the FB app off my phone and that did the trick – but b/c it emails me, I always go to the site! I have a love/hate relationship with it really
@Stacy – cars and FB – can’t imagine what’s next
The key word is “balance.” Kids do need to see you using the internet and even social media appropriately…I mean, that’s what we all hope they will do someday…it’s not like we’re going to keep them off of it forever! I even show my son interesting things/info I find online. I want him to know it’s a very useful tool, but one that shouldn’t overtake your life. On a sidenote, I also make sure he sees me reading though…ACTUAL OLD-SCHOOL BOOKS…and we sometimes discuss (very basically) what I’m reading…because I think that will be lost on kids, if they don’t start to understand how amazing getting lost in a book can be! So, again, key word…balance.
Really good article Jamie, even though Im not a mommy, this is a topic or an addiction that a lot of people are getting into. Ive been doing the same thing, checking my facebook ones in a while, and sometimes I had felt bad if someone left me a message that I didnt reply to in a month or so, but reading your article made me realize that I dont have to feel bad about it because Im not letting it rule my world, and there is always other ways to communicate
This is a great article that I can definitely relate to. I’m going to pass it on to some of my readers!
Sadly, they’ll still find my skeleton in my computer chair.
Found so much in common with this!! and what about that guy that also lives in the house…my husband. We put the kids to bed, I get on the computer upstairs and he goes downstairs to TV and his computer…we now need to make special dates out of the house to get face to face time!! A problem yes but not one that I am willing to change…yet.
I really like the honesty in this writing. Although I am not a mom and not on Facebook, I am still able to relate to the feeling of being consumed by the Internet and our high-tech society. Anything in life done in excess should force one to stop and consider the impact on those around them. Kuddos to the author for recognizing her need to pull back and put things into perspective!
Fantastic! I actually just deactivated my FB account yesterday for this very reason. And I spent hours playing with my kids instead of having one on the computer, one watching TV. (I do find it funny that you can post this article on facebook
)
Jamie has brought a important topic to light. We all could put down our laptops, blackberries, and iPhones to spend more time with the people in our lives. Thank you for sharing your social/nonsocial experiment with us!
I tend to agree in principal, but I wouldn’t blame social media as the only thing that can take time away from your family.
I dont know anybody in my life that couldnt relate to this article. Im not much of a facebooker, Tweeter, Bloger, but we all have our demons. I guess sometimes its best to stop and smell the roses. Great article, cant wait for your next one. UH-OH here we go again Keep up the good thoughts Jamie. : )
A great article. Such a good reminder that we all need to step back and think if we can spend less time on the computer. Sometimes I wonder, should I quit writing on my blog alltogether?
That was a really great article! I do love my FB but I discovered recently that spending quality time with your loved ones is a “right now” kind of thing.
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Just joined facebook and as a working woman w/ kids, I can’t believe how much some people (mostly women who don’t work) spend posting crap on facebook. Those same women will tell you they are sacrificing a career to stay home with their kids, yet they spend a good portion of the day online. How about we actually live our lives, not blog about them. No one cares that you worked out this morning and went to Target. Seriously!