Stay-At-Home Dad by Recession

Am I ready for full-time parenting?

From the moment my wife and I agreed that a child or many would be a part of our future, the topic of stay-at-home parenting roles became a very real notion for us. What I had not counted on? Being suddenly “downsized” by my Internet startup employer of three years and having the role of house-spouse forced upon me prematurely. As a (formerly) working father of twin girls, I’ve begun to dream about the chance to imprint myself upon them – not merely from 7 to 9 p.m. Monday through Friday and the weekends – but all day, every day.

Until I lost my job, staying home with the little ones was simply an idea. I am now charged with leading the family decision-making process as it pertains to parenting – organizing nightly check-ins with mom regarding developmental milestones, consulting parenting books to back up anecdotal evidence from friends and family, searching the Internet for similar horror stories, and implementing change.

And here’s the truth: I’m not ready. My ducks are not in a row. I haven’t begun to hatch my chickens, let alone count them. If that gives any indication to where my head is right now, the parenting police should probably step in to make an arrest. And yet, in two weeks my role as Mr. Mom commences – only there will be no TV cameras, no actual mom, no nanny, no grandparents within shouting distance, just me : Dad.

If this were the start of a new job, no problem. Day One: Meet the staff, attend a few meetings, lunch with the boss, work on a 30-day strategic plan, meet more staff, go home and sleep well, repeat all week. In the corporate world, you are given several weeks to deliver a product; in retail, you shadow a veteran employee in the field. As a stay-at-home dad – SAHD, an acronym that makes perfect sense now – the new customers are on the living room floor simultaneously screaming, filling their pants with last night’s sweet potato puree, pulling sharp objects from a side table, and trying to chew a power cord. At which point I want to wake up.

But I have to think there are plenty of other dads out there like me, fathers who are experiencing the – er – joy of raising a family through a recession. After all, I’m not the only laid-off dad around. The fact that those affiliated with gross profit-making or policy found clever ways to buy a third home in the Hamptons or Aspen while the rest of us watched our mortgage rates triple, our consumer spending tank, and our small businesses close is not something I just made up out of nothing. These are the financial realities of our time. Never mind that my commute was 75 minutes each way, or that I gave my job my all, I now join the ranks as the second largest group of American citizens unemployed since the Great Depression. Marxist theory posits “unemployment” as a good thing within a capitalist system because it forces wages down, helping businesses stay in the black. I’d tell you more about it, but reading Marx isn’t helping me prepare for being a SAHD.

I hope I can pull this off. More importantly, I hope I make good decisions and raise my girls well. Finger pointing and theories aside, I am now confronted with two beaming babies and a half dozen stay-at-home mom support groups within a one mile radius. All I have to do is walk to the nearest park and throw a tantrum of my own to make contact. I can only hope they will let someone that can’t read instruction manuals and can’t seem to find time for a shower into their club. Good thing my babies are half-cute. (I’m lying. They are the most adorable babies. Ever.)

Comments

19 Responses to “Stay-At-Home Dad by Recession: Am I ready for full-time parenting?”

  1. My husband is currently a SAHD by recession as well, and though it’s awesome that you’re putting so much thought into it, it hasn’t been difficult for him in the least. It doesn’t have to be. He’s having so much fun he’s not so sure he wants to go back to work! I can’t blame him either. Our little girl is pretty amazing and super fun. Of course you undoubtedly find yours equally amazing! I will say that the lack of SAHD support out there is pretty discouraging though. All groups are geared toward moms, and when my husband has taken part in groupy activities like that he is completely excluded by the catty moms. :o ( He also has a bit of identity crisis about feeling he should be the provider and I should be the one at home. Hey, I have no problem with that either! I can’t wait to get out of this office! I hope you enjoy your time with your babies. It’s priceless.

  2. Haha, that comment made it sound like a big party! Of course there’s laundry… and making healthy meals… and all of that other stuff, but all of that still doesn’t seem to outweigh the joy my husband has from spending his days with our daughter. What could be better?

  3. Hmmmm. I understand that you’re struggling with such a sudden role reversal but you seem to be playing up the ‘woe is me’ card a bit much. You aren’t unemployed..remember you will now be doing THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD ™ (or at least that’s what society tells mothers all the time). If you think that every mom out there has everything planned and organized so well, then you’re delusional. We’re all human and parents and we all struggle along and make mistakes. That’s just the way it is and you’ll figure it out as you go along the same way everybody else does. The moms (and potential dads) in the playgroups won’t care if you’ve showered or not (but please use deodorant) because we’ve all been there. Many mothers faced the exact same challenge that you’re currently facing as you transition from office to home but it comes with a side serving of societal pressure and expectations that it’s our ‘natural’ role. Embrace this time you have with your daughters and be happy that we live in a time when dads can stay at home and moms can go to work and that the kids will be alright.

  4. I think you’re hitting on something that all parents — moms and dads, working or at home — feel from time to time, that we don’t have our ducks in a row, that we’re not ready. As soon as you figure out how to handle one developmental stage, you’re already moving into the next. Good luck!

  5. My husband is a SAHD/WAHD of our four children: boys ages 7 and 5, girls ages almost 3 and 17mo. He actually lost his job in IT in the last big bubble burst in 2002, before we even had kids. I have a very good career in Engineering that has withstood the years. Back then he decided to create his own destiny and started his own IT consulting company from home. So when the kids started arriving, it made sense for him to be home with the kids and me to return to work (good salary, excellent benefits, stability). Was this his original plan in life? Heck no. Does he love it? He$$ yes!! Sure there are hard days here and there, but for the most part he enjoys it, and we are very happy. We don’t have any family near here and he has never really clicked with the SAHMs. So he was very much on his own during the day. When I get home at 5, I completely take over everything so he can do some of his work. He’ll squeeze in some of his work time in the early morning before they are up, and during nap times, a little on weekends. His business has grown a ton in the last 9 years and provides us with a lot of extra money which is nice. It’s helped him stay relevant in his field too so that if he were ever to need to return to a full time job, he can. I think it’s great that he is still able to have some sort of “career” while being home – it keeps him balanced. He is a great father and learned as he went, you will too. The best thing you and your wife can do through this transition is have good communication, patience, flexibility, and an understanding that there is no one “right” way of doing things.

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  7. Thanks for the letters of encouragement. It’s been 6 weeks and no serious accidents to report apart from a minor finger snip while trimming nails (it really does break your heart when you make your baby bleed). I seem to be handling my SAHD duties like a semi-pro. When I wrote this article I was in the throes of joblessness and night terrors – and yes I am exaggerating. I knew it was going to be tough and I knew I would persevere. My relationship with challenges have always been love/hate. The love I have for my little monkeys tips the scale in my favor. Now I need to find a soccer school for infants so I can start my girls training for Woman’s World Cup 2035. Forget basic developmental goals, we want shiny trophies in this household.

  8. I feel like the only people that are commenting think being a SAHM or SAHD is fun and wonderful and your days are filled with joy. I have personally seen what can happen when someone is forced to stay at home because of a loss of job- sometimes it includes ample bitterness, resentment, and depression. Sometimes it is like being trapped and miserable. I personally would be utterly lost and miserable if I was a stay at home mom to my two boys. I love them dearly but they are a huge handful and I would not be able to stay at home with them for the long term.

    So realistically, that’s great that everyone thinks that being a stay at home parent is a labor of love, but I’ve seen friends dissolve into mental illness under the pressure of forced full time parenthood. Don’t sugar coat this- it can be extremely hard for some people.

  9. Staying home with my boys is the best decision I could have ever made. If you put in the time and effort on this end, your life will be easier down the road! Go Dad!!

  10. I can understand how challenging and scary it can all seem, but I think you got a “life” promotion. The time you are getting to spend with your beautiful daughters is so priceless. I know it’s easy to sit back and write this comment from this safe distance but like any job the challenging ones are usually the most rewarding! Lean in! :)

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  12. I am a stay at home mom of one, soon to be two, and I love your article. At first I expected to have the “I’m doing the most important job in the world!!” feeling but the reality is, there is a lot of identity crisis that happens as you make the transition and a lot of …I guess it’s almost a confusion over all the emotions you feel that you dont really expect. It is a LOT of life changes to adapt too and sometimes that’s not easy. And when I get down about, say, my lack of ability to interact daily with other adults who can talk about other things than poopy diapers, I don’t beat myself up. I’m still human. But there are the days where you feel like supermom, or superdad in your case, and you know you’re making some really good memories with your girls you’ll never get the chance to recreate…and those days balance out the “woe is me” days. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little lost or defeated, because those times pass and the good times stick around a lot longer in your memory.

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  15. You may NOT love it. Lots of people don’t. There is nothing wrong with wanting a career and identity outside of your family. I know that a lot of people have a great time staying home full time and are very fulfilled by that role. The job isn’t for everybody though so if you feel like you are in a rut then you might consider spending nap time submitting job applications.

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