I Yell at My Kids Way Too Much: What can I do?
What can I do?
It was 8:00 in the morning, and I was sitting with the principal and my son’s first-grade teacher around a small table in the office. I had called the meeting, but I sure didn’t want to be there. No one wants to go to the principal’s office, no matter how old you get.
“We’re worried about Zach’s anxiety and frustration,” I began. I ran through a list of concerns: yelling, hitting, mean words, more yelling.
His teacher looked at me. “I’m not seeing any of this at school.”
Of course you’re not. Why should he act out at school when he can do it at home? Children take out their frustrations on the person they are most comfortable with, and I make him feel safe, that’s why he explodes all the time around me. (His four-year-old brother must make him feel super-safe!)
“Yes, he gets frustrated,” the teacher went on, “but I can usually help him come down and see reason.” See reason?! She can get my six-year-old to see reason?
I explained how we were worried about him having friends, how his stress levels seemed far too high for a six-year-old. “He has friends,” she assured me. Then she paused, hesitant. “I don’t mean to throw this back on you, but I’ve seen your interactions with your other two kids. It can be pretty intense. There’s a lot going on, a lot of noise.”
You ever have one of those moments where your stomach suddenly contracts rapidly and you can actually feel the acids moving around in there?
See, I was abused as a child – severely physically and emotionally abused for five years by a stepmother who herself was probably abused as a child. I was removed from her home when I was ten, after a teacher recognized what was happening and reported it. As a result, I worry a lot about what I am doing as a parent. I take criticism of my parenting hard, not because I care what other people think, but because secretly I worry all the time that I am screwing it up royally.
So when my son’s teacher says, “I’ve seen your interactions with your other two kids,” I want to vomit all over the principal’s table.
Dr. Lyndon Waugh, author of Tired of Yelling: Teaching Our Children to Resolve Conflict, explains that any yelling is worth examining and recommends “paying attention to your child’s actual response to it. Is she learning lessons or getting and more defensive? How successful is the communication?” If the child gets tense, as Zach does, or tunes you out, as Benjamin does, it’s time to try other communication techniques.
So, yeah, I yell too much – not a little bit too much, a lot too much. To get moving, finish breakfast, leave each other alone, brush their teeth, and for heaven’s sake, stop yelling at one another. Heaven knows I’m not the first mother to get frustrated with her kids, but both of my sons are highly sensitive, and I’m clearly not helping their anxiety any.
If I want my kids to learn to channel their frustration, I may want to try thinking about the example I’m setting. I mean, really, there is a certain irony in hollering at the top of my lungs, “STOP YELLING!”
Clearly I need to bring it down about eight notches. Simply becoming aware of my problem is a step, but there’s more to it than awareness. Waugh explains that if parents want to break the yelling cycle, they “have to diagnose the underlying problem.” What is triggering the frustration? Is it the parents’ relationship? Depression? Financial concerns?
Bonnie Harris, author of When Kids Push Your Buttons, agrees. “When a child pushes my button, I assume that it’s the child’s fault. But that button in me has been there for a very long time.” The key is to find the trigger.
In my case, the pressure of working while parenting three small children causes me to raise my voice far too frequently, and then my own worry that I’m raising my voice too much creates more pressure, which – you get the idea. Hard though it is to admit, my yelling had more to do with me than my children’s behavior.
To deal with the problem, Waugh suggests instructing a child with an upbeat tone, then moving on to a more serious, yet still measured tone if the child ignores your requests, and eventually moving on to putting your hands on the child’s shoulders. This is some seriously hard work, especially at elementary school dismissal, when I’m trying to summon Benjamin from halfway across a very crowded schoolyard, Zachary is anxious to leave, and two-year-old Lilah is trying to maintain her balance while an entire elementary school pushes past her. I need to round up Benjamin a few moments before the older children are dismissed from school if I want to avoid the chaos, but he doesn’t ever want to stop playing (though maybe he’d be more likely to come calmly if I didn’t shout for him in the first place).
This is what Harris refers to as the “Of Course Mantra.” Of course my kid wants to keep playing; what kid wants to stop playing? She advises parents to try to see things from the child’s point of view. That doesn’t mean he gets to keep playing, but it makes me less frustrated when he takes some convincing.
I’ve been making a concerted effort now for two weeks to break my habit. And I’m finding that the less I yell, the more I talk, and the more I listen. And the less my kids yell, the more they talk, and the more they listen. I’m not the only one whose temper has cooled; my children are a lot calmer, too.
Of course, my sons didn’t stop fighting just because I am working to keep my own cool; they needed an incentive to stop yelling at each other. Dr. Waugh cautions against too many incentive plans – such as sticker charts – because even positive interactions mean that a parent is monitoring the child’s behavior. However, I thought we needed a visual, so I placed marbles in an old peanut butter jar and wrote ICE CREAM on an empty jam jar. I told the boys I’d move one marble over every time they played nicely, but I’d move one back if they fought. And they’ll do anything to go out for ice cream.
It took a day or two to sink in, and Zachary smashed one of the jars to keep us from moving a marble. But, by day three, the boys were spending hours playing together without anyone yelling, hitting, or throwing heavy objects.
One afternoon, with yet another East Coast snowstorm on the horizon and their father out of the country, the boys were playing so nicely that I went to respond to a few emails. Ten minutes later, I came into the kitchen, entirely strewn with Legos and cardboard on which my sons were working intently. Lilah, the two-year-old, walked in, wearing nothing, and holding some underpants.
“Mommy, help these.”
“Where are your other underpants?”
“Poopy.”
Poopy indeed. The dirty undies were in the toilet, and our white bathroom was smeared – everywhere. It took forty minutes to clean the bathroom and the child, not to mention her bedroom, where the accident had occurred. When the baking soda and vinegar were put away and Lilah was dressed in clean clothes, I went to find the boys. They had moved into the family room, taking the Legos and cardboard with them. And they hadn’t fought once. In fact, we had made it through the entire incident with not one raised voice, except Lilah, who objected to the idea that she needed a bath.
Parenting is humbling. It’s about accepting that we aren’t doing things perfectly and then working to be better. It’s about knowing that I’ll probably fall into the habit of yelling too much again sometime down the line and need to knock myself back out of it. It’s about forgiving enough to grow, rather than trying to hide my failings in the sock drawer.
The difference between my stepmother and me is that I want to do right by my kids, even if it means admitting there’s a lot of room for improvement. That’s why my meeting with the teacher ended with a hug, rather than a call to social services.
I find myself stuck in that jam often — knowing that a physical approach to the child will be most effective, but pinned down by attending to my other children at the same time. Then you can get stuck yelling. How do you get that child ready for school in 2 minutes when you are wiping a poopy bottom? I’m trying not to yell so much too, and some days it goes better than others.
Thanks for your Honesty!
I’ve been so aware of this in my own parenting, for reasons (very) much like yours. I know I yell too much. And sometimes I don’t. But it often has some external trigger – money worries, too little sleep, other relationships that are difficult. Suddenly the big mess they’ve made is a big deal, when on a less stressful day, I could handle it. Thank you for your honesty here. I have worried, all along, that I was alone in this. It’s something I’ll always have to work on.
Jennifer, that’s why I wrote it. For so long, I felt like I was alone in this, and that just makes matters worse, you know? There’s so much going on, and they’re so little, and they’re right there, so we end up losing it at them.
Amy, yep. Having more than one child makes the logistics of it overwhelming, even with something as stupid as walking from the school to the car.
Wow Emily. it takes guts to change patterns of behavior. It takes more than guts to admit anything needs changing to begin with. In this you are an excellent example to your children. Your example makes me feel like I can get past the abuse in my life and become a better human – maybe even a mom some day.
Thank you, Nicole. It’s scary to face my faults as a parent, but I know the best thing I can do for my kids is remain honest with myself.
With all due respect, I say “Nuts!” to Dr. Waugh. It’s our JOB to monitor our kids’ behavior. People are monitored every phase of their lives. We have supervisors, the police, nosey neighbors, etc. Emily, go on and have a big, fancy reward chart for anything you think you all need to work on. Make it specific and make the rewards fast and amazing. Praise the bejeezus of out ‘em! “You guys look like you’re having fun playing that game. That’s great!”
Charts and rewards can reduced and then eliminated as the kids do those things naturally – and they will!
We’re such a punishment-oriented society that we forget our powerful rewards can be. C’mon, if we had all our bills and needs taken care, how many of us would still go to work?
I’m not sayin’ no to consequences, just that a reward system can be powerful too and can leave you feeling so much better at the end of the day.
Your kids are lucky to have a reflective and honest mom. Keep fightin’ the good fight. You’ve got lots of moms in your corner.
I’m impressed, Emily. Children make us grow if we let them. The only thing I’d add is that I think a key to parenting better is raising the bar on sleep and lowering it on activity. At least for me, tiredness makes it hard to be my best.
Thank you. Reward charts are an interesting subject. I tend to love them and use them a lot, but I know a lot of parents are very anti, wanting the kids to seek intrinsic rewards. I’m interested to hear what people have to say on this one.
Lilian, I think that’s the key to doing anything better. I absolutely fall apart with less sleep, and we tend to underrate just how important it is.
Emily, thank you for writing this. I grew up with a lot of yelling, I have a horror of sounding like what I heard as a child. And every once in a while when I yell I hear myself, and I feel just awful. Parenting is very humbling, and reading about other people going through the same experiences is so helpful.
Wow. This really hit home. A lot. I think SO many parents can identify with this. The bottom line for me is that I feel horrible when I yell, and I can only imagine how that makes my kids feel. I’m printing this out for my husband to read.
Thanks for talking with such honesty about this hard topic.
CS – Our own childhoods haunt our parenting, no matter what they were like. I keep reminding myself that awareness is the first line of defense.
Kristina – Thank you. There is no greater reward for a writer than to know someone is printing an article out for her husband!
I loved your article. Parenting is humbling and we must cut ourselves a break AND continue to do better or continually strive to learn. ‘Its about forgiving enough to grow, rather than trying to hide my failings in the sock drawer’ Thank you.
And thank you. If we all forgive each other a little, it helps.
I try to not yell at my son and fail miserably. Usually at the third time has ignored me, I go for yelling. I’m sure it ups his anxiety level. Still, all you can do is try to be a good parent and being aware of when you are not acting correctly is the major difference between being wrong and being abusive.
Daniel, Exactly. Only the awareness and trying makes the difference.
Thank you so much for this article…it really resonates with me. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is spectacular but I find myself taking my anger/frustration out on her sometimes (not on purpose, but in the moment, and then I recognize it afterwards)…I’ve been feeling so guilty the last month about it and trying very hard to improve and pause before speaking out…it’s hard, but at least I am trying, right?
Ariel – I know how much that self-doubt can eat away at a parent. The more you recognize and forgive yourself, the better off you are, I think. Thank you so much for your comment.
It is really inspiring to read stories about people breaking the cycle of abuse that they suffered from. Excellent work.
I love reading articles like this. They make me feel like I am not alone in this giant, scary forest called parenting.
My mom was a yeller. She was also an amazing and incredibly loving parent. Now as a parent I understand far better what caused her to yell. I, too, find myself defaulting to yelling after the third, fourth, fifth time repeating the same thing to one, or all three, of my sons. I really appreciate that my husband works incredibly hard to monitor all his interactions with our guys so to keep from raising his voice unnecessarily. I need to monitor myself more and do realize that without good sleep or at high-stress work times, I may default to yelling way too easily. We do what we know, and when we know better, we (strive to) do better.
Nice, Emily! This took guts to write. You have made a lot of parents feel better. So curious to hear how your husband fits into all of this. Do you guys often find yourself playing good cop/bad cop?
Sara, I don’t know that I believe in a cycle of abuse. I know that those who were abused are more likely to be abusers, statistically, but the vast majority of survivors are not abusers. The term “cycle of abuse” tends to make it seem a foregone conclusion, when most of us survivors are not broken or abusive. But, I do appreciate your sentiment, which is that we all need to be conscious of how our parenting choices differ from how we grew up.
Karen, there’s a lot of animals in that forest. Watch your step!
Sara, it’s nice to hear that someone who grew up with a yeller still knows she was loved. Reassuring that I am not completely damaging my kids while I strive to improve.
Emily, this honest, soul-baring essay is one of the best things I’ve read on Babble for a long time. (It’s up there with Korinthia Klein’s work, which is high praise coming from me.) Many of us can see a little of ourselves in your words. Congratulations, both on your huge steps forward on your parenting journey, and on a lovely piece of prose.
Voice, thank you very, very much.
Lauren, I don’t write much about my husband, as he values his privacy deeply. I would love to answer your question, but I need to respect his privacy.
I don’t think it’s in my nature to yell much, but I am finding I feel the urge to do so more frequently as my girls get older. I definitely find myself “snapping” at them (even if I don’t actually yell) more than I’d like, which is probably just as bad, if not worse. So I appreciate this timely reminder to think before reacting when dealing with feelings of parental frustration.
I do wonder if there are times when yelling, if reserved for extreme circumstances, can be warranted or perhaps even useful. I think I can remember the first time I really yelled at my older daughter. My take on her reaction was that because she was unaccustomed to hearing me yell, she got the point that what she was doing (finding excuses at bedtime to get up repeatedly and in the process waking her little sister up) was A) really not ok and B) really upsetting me. Now that I’m writing about it, it doesn’t sound like all that “extreme” of a situation, but it was a recurring and aggravating problem that did seem to improve after I yelled once. Did I simply scare my child into submission, or is there any validity to my thinking? Another example might be the time I saw my daughter’s preschool teacher yell at a student for biting another child. Her teachers generally exude more positive energy than I ever thought humanly possible, but this child had bitten several other kids and the teacher wanted to make a point. As far as I know, it worked. Does Waugh have anything to say about occasional yelling? I suppose it is a slippery slope, and I’m interested to hear what others think. I will say I feel that yelling in response to immediate safety concerns is always warranted (“DON”T CHASE THE BALL INTO THE STREET!”), but that seems like more of a no-brainer — and it’s probably a whole lot more effective if screaming is not part of the normal routine.
Tina, Waugh does say that any yelling deserves examination. That said, I’m pretty sure no one would fault an adult yelling to stop a kid from running in the street or really hurting another kid. I think everyone yells sometimes, and even the most moderate yeller probably doesn’t need to all the time. But it is a seriously slippery slope, and eventually it just becomes a very, very bad habit. At least, it did for me.
I wish I could say that I never yell, but the truth is that I do — and sometimes too much. But I am trying hard to move away from yelling, because it doesn’t make me or my children feel good. Instead of yelling, I try to speak quietly or ignore them when they just aren’t listening (ie: this morning when my son didn’t want to brush his teeth). It’s hard, but all we can do is try our best.
Wonderful article! I only have one son right now with the next baby on the way. Although I don’t feel like I yell a lot now…I am terrified that with two kids I will. Keeping the ‘Of course Mantra’ in mind will definitely help along the way! Thankyou for sharing!
Sarah, what do you do when his refusal impacts someone else? For example, one child cannot get to school on time because the other refuses to get ready?
Kae, thank you. Good luck with the baby!
Love, LOVE the ice cream jar idea. Totally stealing that. It’s much more tactile than stickers & I think my kids will like it.
Now, the yelling. I find myself doing this too. A lot. While I was never physically abused, I was raised by a screamer who, incidentally, was abused. It’s a vicious cycle, I think. And one I’ve been trying to end because I’m so aware of what it did to me and my brother. But still, it’s hard being that self-aware 24/7.
My question – Are there parents out there who don’t yell? Who always react calmly and appropriately? Is it OK if I hate them a little bit?
Stephanie, there are parents who don’t yell, I’m sure. I’ve just never met any. And feel free to hate them; they’re making us look bad.
Seriously, though, it’s all about keeping an eye on how we behave and trying to do better.
Bravo for being so honest and nailing exactly what it feels like to be in that spot in a parent teacher conference.
This is hands down the best article I have read on Babble in a long, long time. It’s timely, well-written, tackles a deep and fairly universal issue in a personal and interesting way, doesn’t attack anyone, and makes me feel like we’re in it together. Bravo Emily Rosenbaum! And thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in my struggle to stop yelling. I also have a husband who is much better than I am at remaining calm in situations and I try to look to him. And sleep definitely helps me as well. But I also realized recently that my own ability/inability to cope with kid stresses (and thus, my potential to yell at my kids) also has a lot to do with what time of the month it is. Lately I have been wondering if a lot of my yelling might be due to PDD (or just bad PMS), since I seem to be more tense and unable to deal properly with stuff in general around that time.
Emily – thank you for being so honest about it all, and for providing some very useful and do-able tips to correct the behavior. If it’s any consolation, I’ve lost my voice and find that I’m at a loss of words sometimes since I physically can’t yell. Very eye-opening in terms of how I interact with my kids most of the time. Thank you!
Fiwa, I know, right?
MT, You know, that connection is there for me, too. The more sugar I have in a month, the harder it is for me to control my temper come that time of the month.
Rosie, oh no! What a humbling experience! Losing your voice and suddenly realizing how much you usually raise it…
I’ve been there — screaming at my kids to stop screaming at each other. Ironic much? This hit quite close to home. Thanks for your honesty and directness.
I agree with MT, best article I have seen here in a long time. Honest, frank, without exploiting the controversies that often coincide with opinions or admissions related to parenting.
I hate that I yell at my kids sometimes and I would do anything to stop it. It is just a giant feedback loop that gets everybody going. Thanks for your honesty and useful information.
http://www.amountainmomma.com/
Gave you a shout out on my blog as well, hope others will read it.
http://www.amountainmomma.com/2011/04/04/do-you-yell-at-your-kids/
Slouchy, it makes me feel like a complete hypocrite.
Theresa, thank you so much. It’s hard to be honest with myself about my failings. I think a lot of parents have that problem. That’s why I try to come clean; I don’t want people to feel like they are alone. Also, it keeps me honest in trying to improve.
I love the ice cream jar idea – wish I had been that clever when my boys were small and fighting constantly. I will pass it along to my daughter who has a very active 4 1/2 year old son. Thanks, Emily.
Paula, plus, I get to go out for ice cream…
I’ll be trying some of these strategies. Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Oh, honey. I could have written this post, except I don’t have three at home. It is so hard NOT to yell sometimes…heck, most of the time, if I’m honest, when you’re in a hurry and distracted and flustered. My mom was the Scream Queen, and it terrified me. I notice, too, that B. responds better when I talk intently and don’t yell. Yelling upsets us both and accomplishes so much less…but still, I sometimes succumb. We aren’t perfect, none of us, and we just do the best we can and hope we learn from when we slip up.
I’m glad you’re working to find a balance, and that it’s working to help even things out as far as disagreements and so forth…but let me tell you something important: you will NEVER be “her”. Not even close. You are a caring, giving, loving mother, and that is the truth.
We all have issues in parenting that we are not particularly proud of, even those of us with, for all intents and purposes, idyllic childhoods. My mom was not a yeller and I am not yet, but I find myself getting there now that my 3 year old has fully entered the ignore mommy phase (something I think he gets from daddy, but that is another issue). I am not proud of it and know it is not effective as my son is also very sensitive. Thanks for the honest article and the tips. It always helps to know we are not alone.
Show me a mother who doesn’t yell – ever – and I’ll show you a liar! EVERYONE yells. Dads too. I’ve seen you with your kids and I want to tell that principal to go f- herself. ALL of us are insecure about our parenting. Comments like that don’t help with that “button”. I’m glad you guys are finding things that work. That’s good parenting, right? Paying attention, trying, and taking time out for ice cream?
Thank you for this excellent piece. You’re not alone in this struggle by any means, and I appreciated the useful tips. Your kids are lucky to have such a thoughtful mom.
I appreciate the honesty of your article. We all have things to work on as people and parents. I must, however disagree with a comment made by another commenter. Everyone doesn’t yell. I figured out during my teaching career that if I escalate, so will the child. Change my tone of voice? Yes. Make more direct eye contact. Yes. Step closer. Yes. State the consequence and FOLLOW through. Definitely.
Coco, that’s the worst part. It scares them. Even when they are crazy misbehaving, they are still tiny people.
Lauren, I think it’s particularly difficult when they ignore you, because the feeling is, “Hey, if I’m louder, she’ll hear me better.” Yeah, THAT never works.
Poker Chick, I do believe everyone yells sometimes. That doesn’t mean yelling is a good thing, and sometimes it gets out of hand. It’s especially difficult for my boys, who are highly sensitive. My daughter could live in an ECW match and be fine.
Korinthia and KMHC, thank you.
Shelley, I think there’s a difference between a teacher not yelling and a parent not yelling. Parents aren’t REALLY yelling because we think it will help. As Harris indicated, the yelling is about a button in the parent, not really about the kid. The stakes are just lower for teachers. I do know one mom who doesn’t yell. She’s also beautiful and smart. I try to forgive her.
Thank you for this very insightful article, Emily. I’m a yeller, too, and it takes A LOT of hard work to take a step back and tone it down several notches. The ice cream jar idea is a great one. Thank you for being so honest. Wonderfully written.
Your piece has inspired me! I yell too much too, often for the littlest things, especially in the mornings as we’re getting ready to leave. My kids never seem to move fast enough, and I’m either nagging or yelling. Now I see my son scrunching up his face and covering his ears when I yell at his sister. I’m good at apologizing for my behaviour, and everything is forgiven (I think) by the time we say goodbye, but it’s not good enough. I’ve drafted up a sticker chart – for myself! For every 10 days without yelling, I get the reward! Thanks for sharing.
I love the last line about ending in a hug. Parenting is humbling with it’s good days and bad days. I do appreciate your honesty.
http://Www.themomoirproject.com
CathiC, I’m telling you, the bonus is YOU get ice cream, too!
Mom2KG, that’s a great idea! Although I’d make it every 5 days at the beginning, to give yourself incentive. Especially if the reward is a massage
Danielle, thank you.
Yeah back to basics on Babble! Ending with a hug – perfect, and yes it made us all sit up and take notes for ourselvles!
Really great piece! and so true…I´m not a yeller naturally but, of course, I´ve gotten to that level of frustration at times (and I only have one very strong-willed boy). I´ve known the yelling almost never works, but getting through the situation calmly (which, yes, requires more effort and patience and maybe even a little more planning – as in allowing more time for things to happen – on my part, at times) almost always does work. What needs to be accomplished is accomplished and we avoid a completely miserable exhcange between us. Everything is not always perfect, but being more conscious of one´s response to certain situations is a huge step. Being able to actually see the results is extremely gratifying.
Lisa, thank you.
Sarah, it’s the advance planning that kills me. When I am ahead of schedule, I can keep things moving. But if I’m trying to get my stuff moving along and they dawdle, it all spirals. That’s one area I’m trying to improve on, by remembering that I can’t just holler at them to go but rather need to stop and talk to them.
Great piece! I completely agree, and you have made me feel sane, not guilty for trying again and again to regain my peaceful self with patience!
Amazing piece – yet again, you have given me food for thought and motivation to try harder myself – I loved the suggestions on something else to try instead of yelling, and the marble jar – fantastic idea. I know one of my buttons is that I am also highly sensitive, so I get completely knotted up when the kids are fighting, causing chaos, and I’m already run off my feet with too much to do etc.etc. and I seem to just explode in yelling. Not great. And of course the more sleep deprived I am, the worse it gets. Ah well, we keep trying to be better, and admitting we aren’t there yet is, as you say, the first step. Thanks for a great article.
HI
As a child psychotherapist I am so glad to read that you are working on the yelling,well written keep up the good work. For both parents and kids, the process of learning new skills and breaking old parenting habits is difficult. Every parent’s psychological history plays an important role in their children?s emotional health, (anxiety depression,overeating,yelling etc) inevitably impacting their child’s behavior. The next step after stopping the yelling is helping your kids with their feelings. Things can go more smoothly not only by seeing things from their perspective as you mentioned but also by addressing the feelings. For example, “I know its hard to stop playing , Very simply guess and try to Name the correct feelings, such as in, I see how disappointed you are. I know how hard it is for you to wait. I know how hurtful it can be when I dont get you that item, or I didnt want to play, because we have to shop. I understand that you were mad at me for not buying you that or spending enough time with you.For more on the topic here is my blog http://bit.ly/hHkKpm and I have written 2 books, My feelings are Hungry and Listen to Me Please to help parents with this difficult topic.
Michelle, I think I could use some quality time with my peaceful self.
Miranda, that’s a big issue. High sensitivity is inherited, and guess who my kids inherited theirs from…
Listen, I am fortunate in that my kids really don’t have a hard time expressing themselves verbally. They are quite good at telling me their feelings about things! But I do try to acknowledge and honor those feelings, which are real and devastating to them. On my good days…
Oh man. I need to stop yelling.
My 2-year-old went after my glasses today and nearly broke them. OF COURSE he found them interesting. I freaked out and yelled really loudly. He cried. I felt like the biggest heel in the world.
I’ll admit it, yelling is my big parenting problem. I think I need to read one of those books.
Amber, oh, the glasses trick. Why, why must they go for the glasses? But, yes, I know that feeling of, “Really? Am I such a jerk I had to yell when he was just being curious?”
I could have written this article. Thanks. I am a yeller, and I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how it’s impacting my kids. This has given me the insight to really change. So thank you, again for your poignant piece.
Even more encouraging than this article is the fact that so many other moms commented on struggling with yelling. It is good to know that those of us who really want to be good mothers yell. It’s good that we can talk about how we want to stop yelling without condemning each other. I tried to give up yelling at my kids for Lent, and I have failed, horribly. This article was just what I needed to read. Here’s to more patience and less yelling all around! Thanks for writing.
The fact that your trying to solve the problem (not to mention that you admitted the problem in the first place) and are improving makes you drastically different than your step mother. Congrats and good luck.
MCS, please don’t forget the part about needing to forgive yourself as you try to change. As we grow, we need to ease up on ourselves.
Two, yes, I love how this piece is a forum for a lot of moms to get this off their chests!
Jenna, thank you!
Most of the time I somewhere between relaxed/fun/understanding and mildly irritated with my kid, but whenever I have lost it and yelled and gotten all huffy/unreasonable/unsympathetic to kidness it’s totally been a result of whatever is going on with me personally, not with my child’s behavior. And later I apologize. But for me it’s really clear when I am having personal trouble since I react so differently than usual to normal kid-behavior, and in fact for me it’s a clear signal I need to address my issues. But I can imagine it’d also just be easy to get into a habit of interacting with your children that way, especially if you have several of them and a lot going on. (I personally yell a LOT more the more I am working.)
Emily, I totally stole your idea about the Ice Cream Jar. We made a Sad Jar and a Happy Jar. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks again for the great article.
http://www.amountainmomma.com/2011/04/06/happy-jar-sad-jar-miracle
Anthropologa, I love that you are so in tune with yourself that you notice when these issues are arising. I aspire to that.
Theresa – glad to help!!
Just stop yelling at them
That was something that I used to hate about my mom. She will yell all day long, no talking involved. That is why I promised myself, than when I had kids, I will not yell at them.
I have not being able to keep that promise at 100% but I will say I keep a steady 98% rate of talking and 2% of yelling (only when needed).
I think you have to stop in your tracks as you feel angrier and angrier, then turn around and go somewhere else in your home instead of yelling — drop it and walk away!!! Just walk away. Splash a bunch of cold water in your face. Or scream into a pillow. Developing a coping reflex can really help curb the explosive yelling and short fuse.
Sometimes if you can’t walk away, say this to your child instead: “I love you and I am so lucky to have you in my life.” Are you still screaming?
Rosana, it is wonderful that it is so easy and simple for you.
Zenmom, as I’m sure you are aware, most parents don’t yell at their kids when they have time to stop and splash water on their faces. Or are even in their homes. I wouldn’t just walk away in the grocery store, because then it’s just unsafe. I think most people would say they aren’t yelling at their kids when all is calm, and the question becomes how to bring it all down a notch when you are in difficult situations or locations. That’s where I struggle.
“as I’m sure you are aware, most parents don’t yell at their kids when they have time to stop and splash water on their faces. Or are even in their homes. I wouldn’t just walk away in the grocery store, because then it’s just unsafe. I think most people would say they aren’t yelling at their kids when all is calm, and the question becomes how to bring it all down a notch when you are in difficult situations or locations. That’s where I struggle”
No, I said to stop in your tracks, not to just splash water. Read again what I wrote: “Developing a coping reflex can really help curb the explosive yelling and short fuse. Sometimes if you can’t walk away, say this to your child instead: “I love you and I am so lucky to have you in my life.” Are you still screaming?”
I did not specifically say to walk away from your child in a store. You’re leading in your interpretation to something I did not say. The most important part of what I wrote was = develop a coping reflex. You asked about bringing it down a notch in difficult situations. Many people struggle with hot buttons, short fuses, diffusing conflict. You learn over time to manage that anger and conflict. No one said it was easy!
I agree that for parents, it’s important to try and learn how to best address our own issues and then use that to deal with our kids. Emily stated that in her article – she wasn’t excusing yelling, she was working through it. However, as a parent who survived childhood abuse myself, when my kid has refused to put on his shoes for 15 minutes, is screaming “I HATE YOU!”, and I am late for a meeting, it’s hard not to lose control of my voice sometimes. We are not writing books in support of yelling at our kids. We’re trying hard not to repeat the mistakes and abuse we experienced. And while we can work to develop skills to better handle difficult times, there are always going to be moments where we just…don’t. I think we as parents need to support each other and offer forgiveness and care for those moments, rather than judgement and platitudes.
Zenmom, I am glad for you and your children that you are in an emotional place and circumstances where you have such strong coping mechanisms. That is wonderful. This article was written for those who are less perfectly centered; many of us are still working through our imperfections, one marble at a time.
Coco, oh, my stars. If we just could all support each other and offer forgiveness and care, rather than judgement and platitudes. In everything. Does yours yell “I hate you,” too?
Em, it’s his new favorite thing to say when he doesn’t get his way. “I hate you!”; God, I remember it so well from my own childhood (not from me, I was too afraid of losing love) and I always told myself I would not let it affect me from my own kids. But despite my self-talk, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Coco, I guess I’m immune to it now, as they say it to me so much. However, it’s a type of language that I worry about them bringing out into the world. I will still love them, even with the backtalk. But “I hate you” is ugly language, and it becomes an automatic response from my kids. So, I try to correct it every time. I loved the book “The Day Leo Said I Hate You,” because it made room to talk about that language. ANd, as always, I need to work on modeling my respectful language.
My wife just said to me this weekend, “we need to talk about the yelling.” I didn’t even realize I was doing it. It’s SO hard to break the patterns you were raised with. Thank you for this article- it was beautiful and came at a perfect time for me.
Anonymom, I know. I think we’re such creatures of habit. I think just knowing others are struggling with it has helped me enormously. So many commenters here have helped me to realize there are others going through this, too.
Love the article. Hope we can all do better….the last paragraph says it all, wanting to do right by our kids in any case. Except my mom swears she yelled at us all the time (we were 6, quite a handful compared to my 2!). I don’t remember any of it. She was a great mother.
Oh, Linda! Thank you, thank you, thank you. See, that’s what I really needed to hear… that you don’t remember it. Because I am trying hard, but I like to think they aren’t being scarred while I try.
Emily, I respect your parenting style, and self-awareness, so much. I love that you are continually striving to improve your parenting even further. Without in any way trying to undermine your efforts, is it possible that today’s hyper-analytical, super-involved parents ask too much of themselves? Yes, yelling is perhaps not the optimal way of engaging with one’s children. But when I consider the past few millenia of parenting approaches, both in Western and other societies, I think our generation of parents is extraordinarily attentive to and nurturing of our children. (I’m talking about “normal,” [whatever that means!] emotionally-healthy parents who are bonded with their children; not abusers like the ones you suffered). We don’t ignore our children, beat them, put them to work at the age of six, sell them into marriage before they hit puberty, etc.. In the past, all those approaches were not just tolerated but considered perfectly acceptable. Yelling at a child seems much less disturbing in comparision, especially when you consider the alternative ways of expressing anger, frustration, discipline, etc. Sure, there are more positive forms of communication, and it’s great when we can find, but I don’t think we need to feel too much guilt when we do yell. Or maybe I’m just rationalizing my own behavior!
Mum, I agree to a point. But it was also over the top for me. It was beyond a level that worked for my boys. That said, I do know that certainly all parenting has to be taken in its social context, which is why child labor, for example, is a crime now but in a different time it was considered the norm.
Loved your piece! As a second generation yeller seeking reform, I thank you sincerely. Wrote something similar about the use of “Shut Up” a while back – thought you might get a kick out of it:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/when-mom-says-a-bad-word/
Really great piece. Sadly, resonated with me way too much.
I am also a yeller. An almost for no reason yeller. I’m really looking deep to figure out the root of where I get all this frustration. Thank you for this candid article and thank you for making me feel like less of a monster. By the way, love your blog!
Thanks, Catherine. We all feel like monsters some days more than others. I think the whole hideitinthesockdrawer thing we do is because we’re afraid to acknowledge we might be imperfect, but doing that actually keeps us from realizing others are all struggling with the same issues.
chain,
Awesome article. Thank you!
thank you for sharing! you are definitely not alone lol
It was like You were reading my mind or had been outside my home on so many occasions! I cry to read and know I am her I am you and we are so many other mothers! It can be difficult raising several children and I have always been my worst critic and still are. I want to thank you for your honest and raw depiction or should I say glimpse of your life and experience as a mother, Thank You, Emily…May God Bless You
Thank you. We all are very hard on ourselves, which is good because parenting is serious business. But we also need to know that we are together as we work to improve.
Thank you for this story. I too yell WAY to much. I have noticed my son start to ask me to stop yelling..so he is noticing also. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only imperfect mother out there and that a lot more mothers go through this than just myself. Due this story I will try, yet again, to stop yelling all the time.
Hi Emily. How are your efforts progressing? I’m doing well. I hit my first goal of 10 days of not yelling (not consecutively – have to be realistic here!). For that, I got myself a fast-food lunch I crave but usually deny myself. I notice I’ve been handing out more naughty spots instead of yelling, and I’m actually being more consistent with enforcing the rules! So this is working out well on many fronts. I still feel inordinately angry over small stuff, but that’s not my kids’ fault, and maybe I will just have to work around that forever. Thank you for kick-starting a huge improvement in our lives.
Mom2KG, it depends on the day for me. I am trying, and I de-escalate things better than I used to. I am glad I am aware of the yelling, but I wish I were better at stamping it out. Thank you so much for checking back in. It’s nice to know there are others trying.
i am very aware that I shout at my 3 year old way too much, mainly out of sheer frustration on my part, as she moves very slowly and I alwasy seem to be in a rush. This article has bmade me realise that I need to rein it in and set an example to my daughter and be more calm. I like the marble jar idea, thanks for the tip, I’m going to try it. Wish me luck !
Emily – amazing article. I was actually just thinking about this today, while yelling at my kids to stop hitting/fighting. I love the Of Course mantra… I need to start using that. The frustrating thing is that I know it’s wrong, I know what to do, I just have such a hard time actually doing it! But that said, I’m the adult and I have to set a better example. I’m working on it – it takes lots and lots of practice. I loved the poop story! Way to keep your cool.
Mamma71, You are in very good company. A whole lot of us are working hard to control our tempers. I, too, am trying to get out the door and get so frustrated by their complete lack of urgency. Whenever we get an early start on the day, somehow things seem to go a lot more smoothly…
FloridaMom, thank you. That’s just it. Lots and lots of practice. The more I keep aware, the calmer I am.