Making It Work: The Comic
Now I'm up all night without getting paid for it.
by Laurie Kilmartin
June 18, 2009
Comedians have the best lives. I used to stay up until four a.m. and sleep until whenever. Now, most mornings I wake up like the amnesiac from Memento. I have no idea where I am, or whose child is crying. Next to my bed is a helpful Polaroid of my son, captioned with the words: "You are his mother and his diaper needs to be changed."
William's dad is also a comedian. We took the baby on the road when he was six months old. My boyfriend would do his set, then run back to the green room, where I was waiting to pass him the swaddled baton. The emcee would kill a few minutes onstage until I arrived. It worked because there were two of us.
Now the baby is older, and there's often just one of us.
The boyfriend and I usually work alternate road weeks, but recently we each booked separate gigs during the same week. Neither of us could afford to cancel. We figured it would cost less for me to take William to Michigan than for my boyfriend to take him to North Dakota. I found a sitter online. She came to the hotel at seven p.m. I debriefed her on her mission as I saw it, which was to keep my son awake for as long as possible so I could sleep in the next morning.
"He's gonna start yawning in an hour. Don't buy into it."
"He's gonna start yawning in an hour. Don't buy into it. If you cave and put him to bed, he's gonna wake up at six a.m. And that can't happen because I will be dead by Sunday. I need you to keep him talking until eleven or so."
"Like, sleep deprivation? For a two-year-old?"
From the tone of her voice, I could tell she was not completely on board.
"Of course not! That's a torture technique. Jeez. All I'm saying is, when his eyes start rolling back into his head, point out the window and yell, 'plane!' That's it. Now, if he happens to spend the next thirty minutes looking for a plane that isn't there, well, that's his choice, isn't it?"
"Uh huh."
©2009 Laurie Kilmartin and Babble Media
About the Author
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Laurie has been seen on Jimmy Kimmel, Comedy Central and Showtime. She's also made appearances on The Rachel Maddow Show, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, VH1's Best Week Ever and Oprah. She lives with her accidental son in New York City. Visit Kilmartin.com. |
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