Oh, elementary school. If you’re a fan of people watching like I am, you know there are three fantastic places in which to do your social grazing: 1) Theme parks 2) Walmart 3) Elementary schools.
Already I’m feeling like a mean girl for writing this post but I’m actually a really nice person with a mild obsession of the human condition. Ever since I left my full-time job to be a work-at-home mama, I’ve resorted to getting my daily sociology fix from the afterschool pickup routine.
There are certain mom types one encounters at school. I’m sure each type is more lovely than the last, so don’t think I’m here to hate on the mommy masses; quite the contrary. I’m simply a reporter of observations.
1. The Million Kids Mom
You know her when you see her. She’s that mom responsible for a million kids and doesn’t seem the slightest bit flustered by it. She mothers with ease and confidence. Lady, what’s your secret? I have a fraction of your brood and I can’t keep it together!
2. The Teacher Ambusher
This is the mom permanently affixed outside the classroom door. The very moment the teacher opens the door to let out the class; she’s there — ready to discuss her child’s 97% on that spelling test and the upcoming math assessment. Give the teacher (and your kid) a break!
3. The Super Fit
This mom usually has a few kids but you’d totally never know it to look at her. With her tight buns, cut arms and seemingly endless energy, you wish you could trade places with her hot bod without having to do the work.
4. The Fabulous Mom
Every bloody day she looks like she stepped off a photo shoot for Cosmo to pick up the kids. How does she find the time to look like that? Does she have staff? Inquiring moms wanna know!
5. The Pajama Mom
This is 100% the category that I fall into. No, we pajama moms didn’t just wake up; we just look that way.
6. The Late Mom
Habitually late as she races into school, knocking over strollers and toddlers in her path; she makes her grand dramatic entrance. No judgment here; better late than never, Mama.
7. The Sporty Mom
Sports Mom is in a big fat hurry most of the time to collect her kiddies into the minivan to change into uniform stat. She’s in it to win it!
8. The Popular Mom
Popular Mom knows everybody: teachers, staff, fellow parents, and kids. I don’t know how she does it but she does it.
9. The Volunteer Mom
Volunteer Mom is that mom you are so thankful exists but feel guilty that you aren’t. She volunteers her efforts in the classroom, school craft fair, school fundraisers, and everything else. A special place in heaven awaits.
10. I’m a Little Bit Afraid of You and I Don’t Know Why
This mom is intimidating for some wildly undefined reason. It’s an energy more than a look, a tone, or a behavior. I don’t know what it is but I’m staying far, far away.