And off we go into the spectacular (if somewhat insane) world of pet reporting.
So, yeah, I interviewed a dachshund. By email. Apparently he’s good at typing, which is pretty impressive for a dog. And then when you think about how hard it must be for him to reach the keyboard with those short little legs, it’s like wow, this dog probably should be a celebrity for realz.
Here is a transcript of my email interview with Crusoe, because seriously, I can’t even make this up. There’s also a slideshow of photos of this adorable doxie at the bottom of the interview.
Joslyn, the Intrepid Pet Reporter: What do you like to do for fun, when you’re not being hounded by the paparazzi?
Crusoe, the Celebrity Dachshund: When I’m not being “hounded” by the paparazzi I’m usually off on some sort of adventure, whether that’s leading an intrepid expedition through Quebec’s untamed interior, kicking back on the beach in Bahamas, lobster fishing in Maine, or just spending some quality playtime with Mum and Dad at home. I also occasionally make appearances as BATDOG when fellow canines make the call for help, and can often be found cruising the streets looking for the hottest chicks around.
Ultimately, my number one pastime is playing with my squeaky balls – followed closely by my endless pursuit of sexy ladies. Pretty much everything I do revolves around these two things. You may call it shallow, but a dog’s life is all about living in the moment.
Joslyn: Do you have any suggestions for other dogs who would like to follow in your celebrity footsteps?
Crusoe: I think the trick is to aim high from the beginning. That’s why my tagline is, “the wiener dog who thinks he’s more of a celebrity than he really is (for now).” I don’t think I would have reached these heights if I wasn’t thinking I was already at those heights.
Like any celebrity, you need to take good care of yourself. This means staying in good shape, having good hygiene and wearing fashionable attire. If you can work in some massages and facials into there too, then you should be pretty well set. I also work out often. You don’t get a body like this from just watching squirrels.
My next piece of advice would be to take good pics. And if you can stand on stilts like me then that will also help.
Lastly – keep it fun, interesting, and different. Celebrities have a natural ability to instill fascination in the public eye, so play the part.
Joslyn: I understand you’re a champion racer. How do you train for a wiener dog race?
Crusoe: Great question. I take my training very seriously, and before any big race I like to start my day with Life cereal. (Sorry, my contract says I have to namedrop that at least once).
Anyway, I regularly get a lot of exercise, but about a month or two before a big race is when I start preparing. My training starts inside, where Dad plays back a YouTube clip of a previous race to get me in the mindset – the crowd, the cheering, and the starter gun! This also helps me get accustomed to all those sounds, which for a lot of dogs (and used to be for me) can be a big distraction.
They have me sprint across the house when I hear the gun go off. But this is just the warm up. Next, we take it outside, where Dad then plays the clip from his phone.
While one of them holds me, the other stands far away and entices me to run by squeaking a brand new squeaky ball. That gets me really riled up. In fact, it’s probably just from my sheer love for squeaky balls that I won my last few races.
Joslyn: What’s your favorite costume?
Crusoe: It’s hard to say because I have so many, including Wile E. Coyote, Two Monkeys Carrying a Box of Bananas, my dive suit, my Santa outfit, and my fishing outfit. I’d say my favorite one is probably my Two Monkeys Carrying a Box of Bananas costume. A lot of people liked that one.
However there’s one I didn’t mention above, because I don’t call it a costume. I’m talking about my alter ego BATDOG, who does not wear a costume – he sports a custom-engineered, flame-resistant, bullet proof outfit. Got that? Outfit, not a costume.
Joslyn: If this is too personal a question, forgive me, but I noticed in one photo that you appear to be toilet trained. Is that so, or was that just a funny photo op?
Crusoe: I don’t usually give away my photo secrets, but I guess I can answer just one. That shot was arranged. I’m not actually toilet-trained. I just can’t resist a good photo opportunity, even if it is on the toilet. This photo actually happened while Mum was away for a weekend and I was stuck with Dad. She’s usually the moderator of our photo shoots, so without her there to supervise, Dad and I got into some pretty weird stuff.
Joslyn: Is there anything in particular you’d like to share with your adoring fans?
Crusoe: Well, I’d like to say that I appreciate each and every one of them, even if there are millions of them. See what I did there?
But seriously, it’s strictly for my fans that I indulge in all these celebrity experiences. I don’t think I would go on all these awesome trips or lead such intrepid expeditions if it wasn’t for all the people that enjoy my glory photos and stories afterwards.
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