Last week I had an unfortunate encounter with a Wolf spider. My four year old had very thoughtfully ripped her entire bed apart while I was returning an email and had thrown her sheets and blankets all over her room. As I was attempting to put it all back together, I fluffed out her comforter and leaned over it to tuck it in. That was when I saw the enormous, hairy Wolf spider staring at me on the blanket. Without thinking I smashed him with the first thing I had handy – my beloved smart phone.
Why would I do that? Because I would rather have that spider leap on my face and chew my nose completely off than to have my youngest see it in her bed. Because if that child thought spiders lived in her bed she would refuse to go to sleep forever. And I can’t have that. I seriously can’t have one more barrier to her bedtime exist in my life. I know how that sounds but as precious as she is, she remains a tornado and I am a damn trailer park.
So I grabbed my phone and scooted my boot to the bathroom where I attempted to tap the half-smashed, still wriggling spider into the potty. My littlest followed me in, brimming with curiousity as to why I had squeaked and then run out of the room. I pivoted my ample posterior to hide what I was doing from her and in that moment, I dropped the phone. Into the potty.
Because I have cat-like, ninja-fast reflexes I just plunged my hand into the toilet after it. I snatched the phone out of the potty so fast that it didn’t even have time to know what happened to it (it was still brightly displaying a Facebook status). I was so quick that I didn’t even have to time to register that the potty water was yellow. Really yellow. And not that cold.
Cue me gagging and also screaming: “GAHHHHH!!!! WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE EVER FLUSH THE POTTY?!”
Then my phone died. Probably from the horror of what it had just endured. It never worked again.
In honor of that disgusting story and the scary spider that started it, allow me to introduce The Misunderstood Spider Meme. I probably should have just let it live. Or bite me on the face.
These memes are courtesy of Quick Meme.
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