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Squirrels Mess With Fruit Crops, Are Generally Furry Little Jerks

Squirrels may look cute, with those bushy tails and their talent for running along electrical wires without getting electrocuted. But they’re wreaking havoc on fruit crops this year.

Also, they’re probably messing with something of yours right this very minute.

A mild winter and a bumper crop of acorns have produced an explosion of squirrels (scientific name: tree rats) that can decimate orchards.

“I was not expecting the next plague to be red squirrels,” Vermont orchardist Clarence Boston told the Associated Press recently.

Just as his apple crop is about to ripen, the squirrels emerge from nearby forests, swarming his trees, “sometimes eating half a tree’s fruit in two or three hours,” according to AP. Because they’re furry little jerks, the squirrels will also sometimes take a single bite, still leaving the apple worthless for retail sale.

Besides eating a tree’s fruit, squirrels can also kill trees by “girdling” the tree, or eating a ring of bark around the tree, causing it to die. Because they’re jerks.

In fact, there’s probably a squirrel being a jerk right now in your own backyard. I’ve created a helpful slideshow so you can know what to look for, and why.


  • 24 squirrels that are messing with you RIGHT NOW 1 of 25
    24 squirrels that are messing with you RIGHT NOW
    Fruit growers aren't the only ones having squirrel problems. Here are 24 good reasons to be on the look out for these shady characters. (Click the arrows to scroll through.)
  • They steal your candy. 2 of 25
    They steal your candy.
    Even. At. Christmas.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They mess with your pumpkins. 3 of 25
    They mess with your pumpkins.
    This is definitely something to be aware of at Halloween. It turns out that it is not your local punk teenagers who are smashing your jack o' lanterns. It's the dang squirrels, eating bits of them and then dragging them into the street.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They steal your Easter Eggs. 4 of 25
    They steal your Easter Eggs.
    This is why your kids couldn't find any candy at this year's Easter Egg hunt, you know.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They steal the strawberries out of your garden and laugh while they eat them. 5 of 25
    They steal the strawberries out  of your garden and laugh while they eat them.
    If you are trying to grow strawberries, you're basically just setting up a free farmer's market for the squirrels.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They steal your money. 6 of 25
    They steal your money.
    Sure, they start with pennies. Next thing you know they've got your credit cards and they're running up your iTunes account.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They steal your chips. 7 of 25
    They steal your chips.
    Pretty much they're the seagulls of the woods.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They really, really like apples. 8 of 25
    They really, really like apples.
    Um, you know what? You can keep that apple, actually.

    (Photo Credit: iStockphoto)
  • They’re a bad influence on your kids. 9 of 25
    They're a bad influence on your kids.
    Look! That one just gave you the finger.

    (Photo Credit: Tech Guy)
  • They’re far more dangerous than you think. 10 of 25
    They're far more dangerous than you think.
    They are all fully trained on the AT-4 anti-tank weapon. Just so you know.

    (Photo Credit: )
  • They will steal your coffee. 11 of 25
    They will steal your coffee.
    Why do you think squirrels are so twitchy-like?

    (Photo Credit: Web Sophist)
  • They will steal your Coke. 12 of 25
    They will steal your Coke.
    Also, they totally backwash.

    (Photo Credit: Funnyville)
  • They steal your corn. 13 of 25
    They steal your corn.
    Your Pinterest-perfect outdoor autumn decorations? Are delicious.

    (Photo Credit: Flixya)
  • They will steal your fries right off your damn plate. 14 of 25
    They will steal your fries right off your damn plate.
    Also, they will use up all your ketchup and never offer to get you more.

    (Photo Credit: Giggle Daily)
  • They will drink your beer. 15 of 25
    They will drink your beer.
    That's right. Nothing is sacred.

    (Photo Credit: United Nations of Beer)
  • They steal your pizza. 16 of 25
    They steal your pizza.
    They may have actually killed the pizza delivery guy, I'm not sure. Also, as you can see, they eat all the cheese first and just leave you the crust.

    (Photo Credit: Idiot Duck)
  • They like big nuts 17 of 25
    They like big nuts
    And they can not lie.

    (Photo Credit: Funologie)
  • They will ruin your wedding. 18 of 25
    They will ruin your wedding.
    He also re-arranged the seating cards so that you ended up sitting next to the aunt with bad breath.

    (Photo Credit: Funny Cute Pics)
  • They will steal your Nutella. 19 of 25
    They will steal your Nutella.
    And then mock you, high out of reach.

    (Photo Credit: Animal Space)
  • They throw squirrel parties and the cops never do anything about it. 20 of 25
    They throw squirrel parties and the cops never do anything about it.
    So annoying when you find those tiny little beer cans all over the lawn in the morning.

    (Photo Credit: Snegidhi)
  • They’re exactly as respectful as most teenagers. 21 of 25
    They're exactly as respectful as most teenagers.
    Also, I'm so tired of hearing them play "Never Mind the Bollocks" over and over and over again.

    (Photo Credit: Snooperz)
  • They creep out your kids on Halloween. 22 of 25
    They creep out your kids on Halloween.
    If this guy shows up at my door on Halloween, he's getting a swift kick in the acorns.

    (Available at Costume Zone, $100.99)
  • They have hacked your Facebook account. 23 of 25
    They have hacked your Facebook account.
    They're also the ones leaving those trolltastic comments on your blog.

    (Photo Credit: Fugly)
  • They are ALL on the Dark Side. 24 of 25
    They are ALL on the Dark Side.
    He finds your garbage can's lack of sandwich crusts disturbing.

    (Photo Credit: stark. raving. mad. mommy.)
  • There is probably one flying through your living room, with a lightsaber in each paw, RIGHT NOW. 25 of 25
    There is probably one flying through your living room, with a lightsaber in each paw, RIGHT NOW.
    I, General Grievous Squirrel, am not completely without mercy. I will grant you a warrior's death. Prepare!

    (Photo Credit: Cute Overload)

Read more from Joslyn at Strollerderby and at her blog, stark. raving. mad. mommy. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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