1. See the movie Blue Valentine.
All the things that make the movie so brilliant– the heart-breaking, psychologically astute performances, the agonizing depiction of an an unraveling marriage, a scarily realistic abortion scene- make this an iffy choice for a couple about to start a family.
2. Blow air directly into your wife’s vagina.
For some reason this particular “sex act” carries the risk of a fatal air embolism during pregnancy. Save all the air blowing for postpartum.
3. Do whip-its while soaking in a steaming hot jaccuzi.
Whip-its just can’t be good for the fetus and hot tubs are not recommended during pregnancy. Sorry. Maybe some heartburn-reducing papaya enzyme and a shower would be a better idea.
4. Have an unprotected four-way with neighbors who have active herpes sores and/or gonorrhea.
Active Herpes can risk you out of a vaginal birth. Gonorrhea can cause problems in pregnancy.
5. Eat day old ham salad off your partner’s nipples.
Ham salad needs to be freshly made in order to reduce the risk of listeriosis, an infection that can be particular dangerous for pregnant women.
6. Wear a satin steel boned corset and stilletos.
Really, this is not the time. If you do get into that corset, someone– either you or the fetus– is not getting oxygen. Have we not learned from Mariah’s mistakes???
7. Tattoo your stretch marks into images of streaked and billowing hearts.
Look, they are what they are. Don’t make a big deal of it.
8. Have a romantic weekend in Vegas where you attempt to double the future kid’s college fund at the Black Jack table.
Dude. Just don’t.
9. Get completely trashed, put on your wedding dress and try to recreate the magic of your honeymoon.
Binge drinking is contraindicated in pregnancy. Plus, the hangover will not be worth all the “fun” you had the night before.
10. Think that this is your LAST CHANCE AT ROMANCE.
Sure, you’ll be exhausted and obsessing over whether the babysitter remembered to turn on the white noise machine, humidifier and baby monitor but there will be date nights on the other side.
photo: Bloody Marty Mix/Flckr