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10 Things They Don't Tell You Before Getting Pregnant

photo : istockphoto.com

I guess I have been overly sarcastic this pregnancy, which some people have taken completely seriously. But today we have another funny post…

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I go through all the pregnancy motions. After thinking back to my first pregnancy I really realized there is a ton of stuff people never tell you about being pregnant. I am sure if they shared all the great things that take place, people would simply stop reproducing.

Here are my top 10 things people don’t tell you before getting pregnant…

1. When you sneeze you will pee your pants — well… at least once a day. Get used to carrying around a second pair of pants, underwear, and buy stock in pantie liners.

2. Get used to carrying around a plastic bag of some type. For what, you ask? Barf. Not everyone can remain in bed the whole 9 months, and at some point we all have to leave the house. It just so happens that during those times we always have to vomit someplace. Whether in our own car, or on the side of the interstate.

3. Invest in tissues — You will be doing a lot of crying. Even at simple things like car insurance commercials, and it sneaks up on you! One minute you are fine, and the next minute you are hysterical like when you were six and watched Bambi’s mother get killed.

4. You won’t poop normally till you give birth — I am not kidding. I think the worst part of pregnancy altogether is the horrible constipation. Sounds taboo, but all you preggos know what I am talking about!

5. Prenatal vitamins are the devil — If you are not into taking pills like I am, these giant-size horse pills just may send you over the gagging edge. I have been quoted elsewhere calling prenatal vitamins medieval torture devices.

6. You will feel like a pin cushion by the end — No joke!  In my first pregnancy, where I used traditional OB/GYN care, I got my blood drawn no less than 10 times. I didn’t think I was actually going to have any blood left by the end of it. Do yourself a favor: If you can see a midwife… do it!

7. The heartburn will fry your esophagus — Hair or no hair on that baby, if you are anything like me, rounding that 20-week mark will ignite a small wood burning stove in your chest and throat. Hell, one time I actually thought I was having a heart attack, it got that bad! Worst part was the lack of options to control it. Tums were out of the question with a history of kidney stones! Try almonds, they work wonders.

8. Just when you think that baby is going to come… you wait some more! Due dates shouldn’t even be used anymore! They are inaccurate and nothing more than a guesstimate today. We all focus on that one day insisting our baby will be here by December 13th, and when they don’t show we are heartbroken. Try this… a due month.

9. Sleep issues galore! — The only thing you are going to want to do in the first and third trimesters is sleep. Unfortunately for you most of the time in the first trimester you won’t actually sleep like your body is telling you to, and in the third trimester you won’t be able to get comfortable enough to get a really good night’s sleep. Heck, I am 17 weeks now, and as a stomach sleeper, I am screwed!

10. The appointments — You will have so many, you will need a personal assistant to keep them all straight. Check-ups, ultrasounds, blood work, glucose tests, and God forbid you have any complications like I did with my second. Having gestational diabetes literally doubled my appointments in the last trimester. I had almost three appointments every two weeks, then every week.  Do yourself a favor and pick up a Blackberry before getting pregnant… you will need the calendar app just for this!

In the end, nothing compares to looking at your new little baby for the first time. It is almost like all these memories instantly disappear, and then we do it all over again, asking ourselves WHY the whole time.

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