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10 Things You Should Never Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

By Devan McGuinness |

Miscarriage is a topic so many prefer to sweep under the rug and ignore. I get it — I do. It’s uncomfortable to talk about death, particularly that of a pregnancy/baby/child. There are others who feel that this is a ‘natural and common’ thing in life and we don’t need to always talk about it.

Problem with that is those who are grieving can be left feeling very unsupported and misunderstood. Friends who have not been through miscarriage will try to help but either don’t know what to say/do or find themselves fumbling through it or doing nothing at all.

Though saying something in place of nothing is important, there are some phrases that a survivor might find particularly hurtful. Generally, people do mean well and are not trying to hurt someone by saying these phrases — but most often they just don’t know it’s hurtful — and why.

Click through for my advice on what NOT to say to a miscarriage survivor:

I would like to preface this by saying — before you tell me that no one would ever say these to people — I have personally been on the receiving end of all 10 of these phrases.

1.  “You can always try again.”: The end goal of pregnancy is not having two lines show up on the test — it’s a baby to grow their family. Many women will indeed go on to have another pregnancy, but they will always grieve the one the never got to know.

2. “Be grateful for the children you have!”: Grieving the loss of a baby has no effect on how they feel about their living children. They will not replace or ‘fix’ the child that she lost. Grieving is not ungrateful — it’s healthy.

3. “I know what you are going through.”: Unless you’ve been through miscarriage, saying this can be of very little comfort. However, if you have experienced loss, many find it comforting to hear how you are functioning through your grief.

4. “At least you weren’t further along.”: There are some who will agree that the further along you are, the harder it is for you. The problem with this is grief is SO individual and diminishing someone’s grief based on a time-line number is dismissive and hurtful.

5. “It was not a real baby just a fetus.”: A “fetus” is a baby. The mom will feel changes from very early on, making the transition to motherhood already there in her mind. It was a real baby.

6. “At least you didn’t know your baby!”: That is basically the problem — she never got to really know her child. Not only is she grieving the baby she never knew — she is grieving the fact she never got that chance. We love our baby from the moment we know we are pregnant.

7. “It’s probably for the best.”: Miscarriages happen for many reasons, and you do not know what may or may not have caused this particular loss. The best for whom? Me? The now dead baby? You? This does not make a person feel better.

8. “It wont happen again.”: Everyone hopes that everything will be fine in the next pregnancy, but sometimes it isn’t. Women who have recurrent miscarriages often remember being reassured by others that everything would be fine next time, and sometimes this makes for an even harder time coping with the second loss.

9. “After so many miscarriages you should be getting used to it.”: You NEVER get used to it. You should know this comment is hurtful.

10. “Get on with your life, this isn’t the end of the world!”: Grieving is normal, natural and very important. There are some women who are told this one after a very short amount of time and grief doesn’t work that way.

So, what should you say? “I’m so sorry.”

 

 

 

 

For more information on how you can help support your friend through a miscarriage, visit UnspokenGrief.com

:: What would you add to the list? ::

Read more from Devan on Accustomed ChaosUnspoken Grief
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Want more? Find me on Babble Kids!

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About Devan McGuinness

devanmcguinness

Devan McGuinness

Devan McGuinness is the writer of the lifestyle blog Accustomed Chaos. After surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan founded Unspoken Grief, a resource and support site for perinatal and neonatal loss. Read bio and latest posts → Read Devan's latest posts →

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96 thoughts on “10 Things You Should Never Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

  1. Katie says:

    YES, YES, YES!! After 3 m/c in 7 months last year (most recently in November), we have heard ALL OF THESE. Some people can be so offensive!

  2. Kate says:

    I was 15 weeks preganant when I lost my baby. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. I had two children already. I heard many of these comments and none of them were acceptable or comforting. I was even told many of them from the doctor who had to perform my D&E. I told him that with all do respect, “to f*** off!”
    Just days after even family members would make comments to me that would make your hair stand on end. I got tired of justifying their comments because I thought they just said stupid things because they did not know what to say.
    Thanks for this post. It made my day today (unexpectedly)

  3. BigMamaCass says:

    I have lost 6. I have heard all of these. Some many many times. Some times I just want to scream at people. :(

  4. DeathMetalMommy says:

    Is it odd that I said a few of these very same things to MYSELF after my own miscarriage?

  5. Scargosun says:

    You know what is crazy…the fact that ANYONE would ever say ANY of those things. I am going to be honest, I don’t have kids so I was just looking to make sure that I don’t ever say anything that might hurt another person in that position. I guess my compassion level is higher than I thought b/c none of those things would have ever come out of my mouth even before I read the post. I shuddered reading a few of them…ok all of them.

  6. Lisa says:

    I heard most of these after my miscarriage. I was 16 weeks and it was the worst experience of my life.

    What would I add to the list? How about “What did you do wrong?” I heard this from 3 different people and it was heartbreaking.

    Thank you for writing this.

  7. Dingo says:

    You’re not likely to die from a miscarriage, so why call the person a “Miscarriage Survivor”? That’s like saying, “A Period Survivor”, or ” An Unusually Large Bowel Movement Survivor”.

  8. Dingo says:

    Also, if you have a miscarriage, why mention it at all, since you’re more than likely going to get one of these reactions? It might be the kind of pain that would better be kept to yourself.

  9. bwsf says:

    Yep, I heard a lot of these too, even from my husband. You should only say, “I’m sorry.” That’s it. Even if you have had a loss too. Because no two stories are exactly the same.

  10. Kat says:

    I have other children and when I told a VERY select few people, most said, “It wasn’t really a good time anyway.”

    What?!? I don’t care what my situation is, I love my children and care for them all by myself. Who are you to judge when I should or shouldn’t have another child?

  11. Meghan says:

    I heard many of these too, even from people who had also miscarried, I don’t get it! I think the worst for me was my mother in law telling me that next time I shouldn’t get attached until the third or fourth month. I wanted to punch her! We tried for two years until we got pregnant, and only made it to week eight, but I only knew I was pregnant for two weeks. Those were the best two weeks of my life.

  12. Sue says:

    “It was meant to be.” or “It wasn’t a real baby, just a blighted ovum.” Well, my body and mind thought there was a baby, so it was no less real. I had a miscarriage on my 29th birthday, 11 1/2 weeks, and had a D anc C, and the doctor said he didn’t see a baby – so it was most likely a blighted ovum. He was very caring, unlike my regular doctor, whose mother had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with him. It has now been almost 18 years and I still wonder about baby “Jesse.” My three girls know about their sibling, even the two after the miscarriage.

  13. Emily says:

    Great post! I also agree with Lisa- I’ve heard “what did you do wrong” and “what’s wrong with you” and it didn’t help either time. Oh and quoting that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage doesn’t help either.

  14. Corrie says:

    Thank you for posting so many supportive and comforting articles about miscarriage. I had 3 miscarriages last year and I found the babble posts to be very helpful. I just have one bit of constructive criticism. Beside the miscarriage post, there is an ad for the pregnancy newsletter that reads, “Watch your baby grow!”. This is another thing that you should never say to a miscarriage survivor. I know that the ad was not placed there with ill intentions. I just wanted to draw your attention to it.

  15. Rachel says:

    Also, if you encounter someone at a party who’s had a miscarriage, do not turn to them and loudly ask “So did you see any baby parts?” Yeah, I witnessed that. Actually, don’t do it anywhere.

  16. Lisa S. says:

    We had mistakenly told my in-laws kind of early on, and being naive didn’t ask them to keep it quiet. Then I lost the pregnancy at 10 weeks, had a D&C, and attended a wedding three days later… and TONS of people came up and congratulated us. :( I finally confronted my MIL and told her that if one more person congratulated me we were leaving, please please please try to tell anyone who might have heard about the pregnancy that we had a miscarriage. So then, yeah, we had to deal with just about all of these sorts of comments. “Do you know why?” was also pretty awful to deal with. Also, “it must have been God’s will.” Even if I DID believe in God, I’m so glad he’s so benevolent as to end my pregnancy.

  17. Terry Elisabeth says:

    I hope I never said any of these things…

  18. Roslynn says:

    “6. “At least you didn’t know your baby!”: That is basically the problem — she never got to really know her child. Not only is she grieving the baby she never knew — she is grieving the fact she never got that chance. We love our baby from the moment we know we are pregnant.” ……………….Yet there are still women out there who choose to KILL their children through abortion. Unbelievable. Thank you for posting an article that is pro-life and speaks to women who actually WANT their children and who genuinely grieve for their loss when something as tragic as a miscarriage happens.

  19. Katie says:

    even if someone HAS been through it, I hated hearing “i know how you feel.” No, you know how YOU felt.

    This was great, Devan. Thank you for posting it.

  20. Pua says:

    Well, Dingo, sometimes you share your joy with those surrounding you. And when you have a miscarriage, they tend to find out. Is it really THAT hard of a concept?? It’s not as if women who SURVIVE miscarriage (yes, SURVIVE, because it is something that, no matter what, tears you apart piece by piece until feel like there is nothing left) walk up to strangers and announce it within the first 15 minutes of introduction. Christ.

  21. jaclyn says:

    NEVER EVER ask if it were the mothers fault.

  22. Patti says:

    I feel like so many of these things apply to people that talk to me. I haven’t had a miscarriage but my 13 month old daughter was killed 10 months ago. People don’t realize just because the mean well, some things just should not be said to a grieving parent.

  23. Melanie says:

    These sorts of comments are a big part of the reason that very few people know that I’ve had any miscarriages (nevermind how many babies I’ve lost).

  24. ashley says:

    1) said by my mother 2 days after my 14 week miscarriage: there are people that are worse off than you. Think of all the starving people out there!!! Seriously!

    2) there must have been something wrong with the baby, it probably had special needs. it’s God’s way of fixing things. !!!!!! By my grandparents!

  25. Yvette says:

    The best two that were trotted out to me 10 years ago when I miscarried at 9 weeks on my 19th birthday…

    Oh it was only a bunch of cells….
    And
    Well it wasn’t really a baby yet, it wasn’t sentient and conscious.

    Losing a child whether born or unborn is still losing a child regardless of their age/gestation. People feel so awkward when they don’t know what to say which is why half this stuff gets said because they don’t know what to say and think its better to say something than nothing. Trust Me, a hug and a I’m sorry is all that’s needed.

  26. LE says:

    OMG. For me NEVER say you’re sorry. It’s worse than the loss. I used to start conversations with “Don’t say you’re sorry, but…” and then tell them. It’s kinda ridiculous.

  27. Anna says:

    “You have a lot goinng on in your life, what the heck were you doing getting pregnant in the first place?” – nurse in the hospital as I awaited d&c for incomplete m/c a week and a half before my wedding day.
    Seriously? Who the bleep do you think you are?

  28. Darlene says:

    I think people that you speak to about it are honeslty just trying to help when they say some of these things. As a person that has had a miscarriage, I never became upset with the things my friends and famiy would say because I know that they are in pain FOR me and just don’t know the right things to say to fix it. I feel that if this unfortunate thing happens to any of us, we should surround ourselves with those we love instead of becoming irrationally upset with them for only trying to help. I’m sure we’ve all said some things to people one time or another that have hurt some feelings without realizing it. God bless every one of you and never give up hope in starting your families =)

  29. ana says:

    I had a miscarriage after 7 weeks.
    My father in law said to me: “Laura (his daughter) had one after 3 months, THAT was terrible”.
    I was still bleeding and getting married in 3 weeks.
    It is the saddest thing, cause we weren´t even trying to, so when it happened we were shoked until we started to like the idea of having a baby…and then we lost it.

  30. Robin says:

    In regards to this comment: You’re not likely to die from a miscarriage, so why call the person a “Miscarriage Survivor”? That’s like saying, “A Period Survivor”, or ” An Unusually Large Bowel Movement Survivor”.

    Losing a child (or anyone close to you for that matter) is a loss followed by anguish and grief and to overcome it is surviving, and moving forward with your life, with piece of your heart missing.
    How insensitive of your remark…comparing it to Period Survivor, or Unusually Large bowel movement survivor….you either totally missed the point or are just an inconsiderate being. How sad for you and your family.

  31. Candilnm says:

    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and even at only 5 weeks the pain was intense and I was unsure if I could actually have a baby. (Now I have a 20 month son and I am 6 weeks pregnant). Everyone seemed to disappear when I told them i lost the baby the first time around. I just wished everyone hugged me and said “I’m sorry and its okay to grieve for as long as you need to”. Instead they left me alone and didn’t say anything leaving me to beat up on myself.

  32. Aiko says:

    Dingo i don’t know where the hell you got your info but yes you can die yes DIE form a miscarriage so I think you should do some research before you open your mouth and stick your foot even father down your own throat.

  33. Nichole says:

    I have heard these myself! Everytime somenoe would say those things to me I would get so mad because they aren’t the ones who are carrying around the baby and there is a connection between a mother and a baby even while the baby is still in the womb. It’s been almost 4 yrs since we lost our 2nd son and I still have a hard time with it today. I was 20 1/2 wks and I kept getting a urinary tract infection and it caused me to go into labor early. He was born one week exactly after our first son’s 2nd birthday. It’s still so hard to take it in. People should be comforting to those of us who have had a miscarriage.

  34. Heidi says:

    I always hated “It wasn’t meant to be.” What does that even mean? My 2 years of trying to get pregnant weren’t meant to give me a baby?

  35. Sueziq says:

    I had three children already and we had decided to have a fourth. The pregnancy was moving along and I went for a dating ultrasound, only to be told by the radiologist that the baby had just died. I was devastated, and being 16 weeks, the risk of bleeding was too high to let me deliver, so had to have a sponge inserted and then wait for a D and C. Those 24 hours were so painful, my little belly bump was a constant reminder of my loss. To make it worse, my husband, who was a doctor said not to worry we could try again. That hurt so much because I didnt want another baby, I wanted her. After another two miscarriages, and a very traumatic pregnancy, my daughter was born. I still remember that feeling of loss, it is so very real. Every day when I look at my daughter I am reminded of how special she is. But a part of me remembers those 4 babies that I lost. (one was twins) Support from friends was what got me through it. I hang an angel on the Christmas tree for each of them every year, and count my blessings for the four wonderful children I have.

  36. Chelsea says:

    Another thing not to “do” to a couple grieving a miscarriage is to pretend it never happened.
    One of my co-workers compared my miscarriage to her elective abortion she had in college. Ummm, totally different situations.

  37. Kim says:

    What most people do not realize is that we don’t hear these comments from strangers usually, we hear them from the people closest to us. Which is really unfortunate. The one I heard the most with my 2 miscarriages was that it was a good thing I wasn’t too far along. Or I should think about the people who have had stillborn babies because that is worse.

    The moment I knew I was pregnant, I was too far along! And while I have never experienced losing a baby after 8 or 9 months and can’t imagine how horrible that would be, it still doesn’t take away from the fact that I was pregnant and I did have a child growing inside of me.

  38. Chelsea says:

    I heard most of these when I lost my first at 10 weeks. The only reason I told anyone that soon was because I was showing (I used to be very petite) and we had already had our first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat so I thought everything would be okay… At the time my husband and I were separated, so I definitely heard a lot of “it’s probably for the best” but the one that hurt the most was “get over it,” which I heard from my bosses at work when after 2 weeks I was still depressed and I still was hurt and jealous every time a pregnant woman came in (I was a car salesman). I know that my baby wasn’t very big and hadn’t developed and wasn’t considered a “baby” yet, but to me it was my first child, that I could feel growing inside of me everyday. 3 months later after my husband and I had reconciled I found out I was pregnant with twins. They are now 5 months old, but I will never forget my first baby, whom we called peanut, and I still have tattoo of a peanut with angel wings, even though it is severely stretched out now! The best thing to say is definitely just I’m sorry because anything else is just going to hurt the woman more.
    And Dingo, going through a miscarriage was one of the most horrible losses in my life and I have had a lot. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live after losing my baby, so I would def say that I am a miscarriage survivor! Shame on you to belittle losing a part of one’s self!

  39. Jennifer says:

    From my personal experience, I’d like to add, “You shouldn’t be doing that right now,” which I heard from a lot of well-meaning friends and family for several months after a miscarriage. I had spent SOOO much time over a two month period sick and unable to do many of the most basic things myself – I could barely eat, and what I did manage to eat often didn’t stay down – I was living on a piece of dry toast and a cup of tea a day if I managed to keep it down. So when I began to feel like doing things myself, I did! But everyone would advise me not to pick up my neices or not to do too much lifting of any sort for any reason. At that point, I desperately needed to do what I could for myself as reassurance that I had reached a turning point. Their comments also made me feel as though perhaps they were blaming me for the miscarriage because I’d “done too much” during an unplanned pregnancy I hadn’t even been aware of. If you feel the need to comment to a woman who has recently undergone miscarriage, please, ask, “Can I do that for you?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” and if she says no, let her do what she can/needs to do for herself.

  40. Barbara says:

    I had a miscarriage on Jan 7th, 2012. I was 7wks. I was completely devastated and although I have 3 wonderful children already that I am very grateful for, it still did not change how much I loved this one. I got over it by telling my self things like, “atleast I wasn’t 7 months or had a still birth or a baby that died shortly after being born or a baby that was sooo unhealthy and/or deformed it would NEVER have any chance at a decent life”. Although all these things helped me cope it still doesn’t take away the wondering and the love i have. Everyone deals with these types of situations differently, I can honestly say those top 10 things not to say to people help or deter a grieving mothers healing. For me, knowing that I can still try again as some people cannot was enough for me to heal. With love in my heart I know my baby is with the creator, safe, happy and healthy and although I would rather him’her be with me atleast I know deep down he/she has all the love, happpiness and protection that he/she will ever need.

  41. Leticia Barnes says:

    Someone commented that you shouldn’t tell people that you miscarried. I didn’t tell anyone. I greaved all alone.I don’t personally recommend it. However I don’t think it is that these families go around telling people about the miscarriage they have usually excitedly told people about their pregnancy and then the miscarriage happens. So unless you want people to continue to congratulate you on the child you are no longer carrying you pretty much have to tell them that you miscarried. I do think these are good hints and tips about what not to say but sometimes nothing someone says is ok because you are grieving and hurt and angry. So if you do say the WRONG thing (try not to) know that it may not really be your fault.

  42. Kim says:

    I heard around half of those when I had an etopic pregnancy. So on top of losing my baby I had to deal with having surgery and the fact I hace scar tissue that might make it hard to concieve again.
    I feel so sorry for women who have a miscarriage, no matter how far into the pregnancy you are. I was only four weeks when I started bleeding and then I was eight weeks by the time I has surgery. To me it was a baby I lost, because it was still growing inside me.
    I will always love the baby I never got to meet.

  43. Theresa says:

    DINGO, wow. That’s low. I actually got a comment like, “You know, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.” Like that is supposed make a mom feel better. That’s like telling parents who just lost a son in a car accident that car accidents kill people very 45 seconds. Like somehow the regularity of it all should make the loss less painful. NOT SO. Sharing the news of a pregnancy is joyful and sharing the news of a miscarriage is a cry for support, love, prayers, and a NEED for people to know this child.

    The best comment I got after my last miscarriage was “Theresa, I have no idea what you are going through but please know that your baby will never be forgotten. Never.” Their names are John Stephen and Lyla Jayne.

  44. Paula says:

    re Chelsea’s comment, actually abortion is not completely different from miscarriage in the fact that a baby’s life is lost. Most post abortive women come to a realization of the reality of their choice at some point and are devastated. Post abortive women suffer from the loss of their baby, but suffer silently because it is not socially acceptable to acknowledge their grief. To acknowledge their grief would be to acknowledge their baby. To acknowledge their baby would shed a negative light on a woman’s “right to choose for her body” which is “sacrosanct”.
    Most women, in seeking abortion, believe the lies that their baby is not a “real baby”, only a “potential” baby. But that is a lie, and not true, and when the loss is experienced they either put themselves in horrid denial (using many of these phrases here listed as “no no’s”), or suffer in silence. Yes, the loss of their baby’s life was of their own choosing, and that in itself throws many into the deepest despair unimaginable. A woman who has miscarried could get a glimpse of this despair and it would be beyond their reasonable compassionate ability to fathom the concept of suffering such a loss as a direct result of one’s own choice to do this to one’s own child. I have shuddered at night at such a concept having had been pressured to abort my beautiful baby who ended up only living 15 months in this world. The concept of having such a loss at my own hands is horrifying beyond belief. I have only the greatest compassion for postabortive women due to this.
    Only great lies draw women to do such things. Silentnomoreawareness site has so many testimonies that address this. In this light, there is similarities. It is possible that the postabortive woman Chelsea referred to was reaching out to the woman who lost her child sincerely, or maybe she felt someone would be willing to give her ‘permisson’ to grieve, so many postabortive women need this permission, having been victim to lies and coercian.

  45. Susan says:

    About a month and a half after my miscarriage (three weeks before Christmas) I had to work a weekend. That Sunday afternoon I was driving home after my shift at the hospital where I worked and was feeling really low. I was exhausted and depressed and angry at my own body for letting me down. On the way home I got a flat tire (this was in 1991 and we were young and newly married so no cell phones!) and I changed the tire myself.

    By the time I got home I was so depressed and tired I just burst into tears. My ex-husband took one look at me and said ‘Oh God, don’t tell me you’re STILL upset about the miscarriage. Are you ever going to get past it?”.

    Notice I said EX husband. This is the same gem who, when I was pregnant later with out daughter said to me “You ARE going to lose all that weight, right?”.

    what a catch.

  46. Shasta says:

    First Dingo shame on you!

    My second miscarriage nearly killed me physically and both of them literally killed my soul. The person who I was before our babies died at 9 weeks and 1 day was different than the person I was after 1 miscarriage, and the person I was after two. The first person died with our fourth baby, and the second person died with our sixth.

    We had literally told one person about our pregnancy and the next day the whole county knew. So after our baby died people were approaching me and asking me about our baby. I had no choice but to tell them our baby had died.

    Second Thank you for writing this wonderful article and recognizing how important our words are when acknowledging the grief of others as well as recognizing all our babies that have died and all those that will die much too early.

    Believe me I heard all of the above plus many more. I thought that people were just trying to help and said the wrong things but I always tried to say, “Don’t say that it hurts me!” when they did and I expected them to hear it and learn and NEVER say that to me again. Instead what I learned was that people are ignorant and just don’t want to be forced to support someone when they already feel incapable of supporting themselves.

    Another one I would like to add is “Give it to God!” as if he didn’t already have my child and then I was expected not to even feel the feelings he gave to me.

    The best thing that was ever said to me was, “I cried for you today!”

  47. Candace says:

    I m/c 2/22/12 at exactly 4 weeks, i found out that i was pregnant on 2/12 at 3 weeks. we only told close friends and my husbands family. We chose to not tell my family that I was pregnant due to my mothers previous history of reactions to my pregnancies (we have 2 boys ages 6 and 20 months). The day after I had the m/c my mother asked me if I was ok when I was on the phone with her. I told her no and what had happened. She responded with “its probably for the best, y’all weren’t financially ready for another baby. You aren’t trying again right now are you?” that was from my MOTHER. fortunately i have friends who are very supportive and are letting me grieve the way i need to.

  48. Christina says:

    The comment that “you didn’t really get to know the baby/get attached”……Mothers DO know their baby! From the first sonogram or earlier of a little “bean” or “peanut” or “bug” or whatever the nickname he/she is REAL. We know their movements, kicks, hiccups. They respond to us when we push playfully on them in our tummies. We know when they are active or napping. We even know from our heartburn! They respond to our voices, we know what music they like to hear. How can anyone say we don’t know our babies?

  49. Veronica says:

    My husband and I have been trying to have kids for 12 years now and no luck. It does hurt when I wonder why we haven’t been able to have children but I could never imagine what a mother who loses a baby must be feeling. There are so many people who do want children and have not been able to concieve or carry the baby to term and I wish this is something people would think about before they decide to have abortions or abuse their children.

  50. mrs.d says:

    I lost my first baby at 4 weeks.. and it hurts, regardless of how early it was. I chose not to share this information with people who would not be supportive and loving, to avoid comments such as those you listed. That people could be so cruel astounds me.

  51. Rebecca says:

    I miscarried 2 weeks ago when I was 8 weeks pregnant.I have 7 great kids at home and this was our first loss.Both my partner and I were devastated.We have heard all these comments as well as my nanna said I should go and get my tubes tied now because it shows that I’m not meant to carry anymore.
    We both are going to try again in a few months time but at the moment we are still grieving.

  52. Helen says:

    Dingo, I fear that you may not be the full ticket. The whole article addresses such stupidities as were typed by you.
    I had a miscarriage at six weeks. I already had a little boy, but I really felt like I needed another baby. At the time it was painful and all the usual things that go with it, but I think it’s now that it’s kind of worse.
    You always wonder what they baby would have been like. Then if you ate something that could have caused the baby to die and all kinds of other crazy things, just trying to fathom out a reason, or if it was in some way your own fault. Well, perhaps I’m just over the top!
    It’s been over three years since my unborn baby died, but I will never forget them. We have had another little boy since and we are having another baby (a girl) now. Even still, a part of you is lost when you lose a baby. You survive it as you survive any awful event in your life, as best as you can. A baby died and it was a part of you; that doesn’t mean less just because you never got to see their little face.
    It breaks my heart to hear of people who cannot get pregnant, or keep having miscarriages. I don’t know another word that describes better how I feel than gutted for them. I say I’m sorry, though I know it’s not my fault, because you do feel sorry for their loss, you feel terrible.
    Dingo, I hope nobody close to you has a miscarriage and has to hear you say such unpleasant, thoughtless things. Perhaps you might consider re-reading the article and take what it says as fact.

  53. duprix says:

    after 3 miscarriages, i’ve heard it all. i try not to take as personally as i could.. most people mean well, but sometimes some of these things are said as way to end the conversation. like a big “FIN” at the end of a film. it’s a way to shut you up. i don’t want to talk about this, so here is some statement that says so. that always sucked more to me, than nice people just saying the wrong thing.

  54. Izzie says:

    I wasn’t that far along when I miscarried. I told a friend of mine about it and the first thing she said was “You shouldn’t be having kids yet. You need to get married first. And besides, it’s not like you wanted a kid in the first place.” Even though those words were true, it still didn’t take away the pain I felt and still feeling. I am so sick and tired of people downplaying anyone’s pain. It infuriates me to no end how people can be so heartless. You should live by Thumper’s words from the movie “Bambi”: If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

  55. Nichole says:

    Thank you for this, Devan. The very real pain of miscarriage is so easily brushed off in our society.

  56. Sarah Thomas says:

    My husband, when we were still married,(now divorced) actually said the fetus one to me. He was so insensitive because he didn’t want any more children after finding out with our first child that fatherhood is actually A JOB, and not all fun and games.
    We got pregnant two months later and divorced a year after that. Now I have a daughter and a son, whom I love very much. Crappy marriage, great kids.

  57. Cypress says:

    “I didn’t know you were so sad over your miscarriage. I thought xxx were sadder than you when she lost her baby.” Ouch. And that was from my mum.

  58. Kat says:

    Thanks for this article – it gives me hope that maybe someday people will learn! I miscarried at 9 weeks and – like all the other mothers here who lost their babies – it broke me a little bit. And I heard ALL of these. Still hearing them.

    The ones I find worst are the ones that say, “aren’t you over it yet?” because then as well as feeling the pain of the original hurt, you also feel guilty for being still unhappy, and thus making someone uncomfortable. I already feel guilty enough for being envious of all my pregnant friends and relations – and suddenly there seem to be dozens of them having babies, just in time to twist the knife a little.

    And Dingo, I sincerely hope you are trolling and don’t ACTUALLY believe the things you say because if you do, you are a psychopath.

  59. Lisa Kirwan says:

    Thanks for the comments others have put up, ive had 6 miscarraiges, and I dont have any kids, im almost 40 so not looking good, have had 2 ivf attempts, and have been on the adoption list in ireland for the past 8 years, I remember when I had my second miscarraige, my mother in law came to see me and said “you did me out of being a grandmother” I know she didnt mean it but it still hurts and hurts to this day. I dont think anyone will understand. People keep telling me not to give up, how does that help, i have got my head around that i might never be a mum, so i dont need people telling me to keep going, I dont think I can keep going the losses are to hard.

  60. Erin Human says:

    I would add “there was probably something wrong with the baby.” Also, steer away from “It was God’s plan” unless you KNOW the person is religious and would agree with that sentiment.

    More generally, if the person who had a miscarriage is someone you care about, please do NOT burden them with your own grief even if you’re sad too! So many people I know who had a loss (including me) have found themselves consoling their parents or friends when they most needed comfort from others.

  61. Jennifer says:

    YES! A baby is a baby, no matter how far along you are. Try to tell that to the Pro Choice crowd.

  62. Angelique says:

    There is one that was said to me that I think should be on this list. “Oh, you’re still young, you can try again.” This was said to me several times by different people. Oddly enough, I was over 30 when I had our first miscarriage. The best response I had was “Angelique, I am so sorry for your loss and I know that nothing I say is going to make you feel better.” and then she just hugged me and let me cry.

  63. Jessica says:

    Dingo, wish I was close to you right now, then you could be a “bitch slap to the face for being a totally inconsiderate idiot survivor!”

  64. Rebecca says:

    So true….and even I’m am so sorry doesn’t help. We lost our son at 20 weeks along, and we were told “at least you have your other children’, and “it was for the best, you really couldn’t afford another child”. Many times we were told, “get over it, it is time to move on”. People can be very harsh, but it is only because they have no idea what to say. It can be difficult to know what to say, if you have never went through a loss……

  65. Tara says:

    My husband and I loss our first child a month ago. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I was three days away from my doctor’s visit where we should have gotten to hear the heartbeat. I don’t even have an ultra sound picture. I am better then I was the first two weeks. But I am fair from healed. I will never ever forget or “get over” the loss of my first child. We named our baby Haven. I am making a cross stitch of the name and then going to have it framed.

    A week ago my Aunt (who knows I just loss my child) my aunt had to put her dog to sleep. I was very proud of myself for sending her message that I was sorry to hear about that. The Aunt responded that yeah her dog was more like a baby to her.

    DO NOT COMPARE MY LOSS OF A CHILD TO YOUR LOSS OF AN ANIMAL!!

    I have also recieved the other comments. Along with well your husbands about to be deployed and it would be hard on him. Well yeah and this isn’t is my sarcastic thoughts. This year officially sucks!!! Trying to grieve my loss and my husband is being deployed for the rest of the year. So I wont have him to help concole me on Haven’s due date, or Mother’s Day!

    And yes Mother’s Day will be a very hard day because I am a mother.I am a mother without a child. I never got to see my baby or hear there heartbeat. I don’t know if my Haven is a boy or a girl.

    I get so angry about teenager’s people who abuse and people who don’t want kids that have them so easily and so many of us want a baby so bad and can’t.

  66. Beth says:

    Dingo’s comment — and offensive screen name if it refers to “The Dingo Ate My Baby” on Seinfeld– should be removed. Or perhaps moved to #1 on “What Not to Say.” So should all the pro-life comments. Nobody relishes the thought of having an abortion, and there can be some sorrow involved (as with giving up a baby for adoption), but anyone who has one has thought deeply about it and made the decision they think is best. That cannot be compared to the heartbreak and surprise of a pregnancy ending.

    My sympathies to all who have suffered miscarriages.

  67. Mk says:

    Actually, the pro-choice “crowd” knows it’s a baby. Considering that most women who have had abortions are already mothers, they are making an often cruel choice to end the pregnancy of a baby they want. The largest majority cite financial concerns, as in, can I FEED my existing children, my employers has 0 weeks of paid leave if I give birth, or I have very difficult pregnancies and cannot afford the medical care (or I have NO medical care) for the pregnancy and the time off work, etc. etc. Sometimes where there is a strong will, there just isn’t a damn way, and they try hard to find one. Your shame and criticism doesn’t actually stop abortion, you just add to the problem.

    You like less abortions, work harder to fix the problems the U.S. has with supporting mothers. Real maternity leave, better qualifiers for WIC and welfare, universal medical care, and access for free birth control would do so much to reduce that abortion rate. Most would have wanted to have the child more than anything.

  68. Kayla says:

    my best friend in the WHOLE world had 2 miscarriages and placed her one child for adoption all before the age of 21. never once have i told her that i’m sorry. in my opinion the best thing to do is give them a hug and tell them that if they EVER need to talk about or just need to cry about it or whatever that you are there for them whenever they need you. i work first shift and there have been times where she has called me at 2 in the morning just bawling her eyes out because she misses her babies and what do i do? i sit there and listen and talk to her until i have 10 mins left to get ready for work. the only thing i can say to someone who has gone through this is to find someone that you can trust with everything you are and talk to them.

  69. KristenB says:

    As much as it hurt to hear comments like these from well-meaning supporters (I never took it to heart though) I was most offended and PO’ed to hear it from the OB. “Well you can always try again”. and then spout that same statistic of 1 in 4 or something. Um, this is your field, you deal with expecting women everyday and that’s how you choose to treat a grieving mother? Of all your years in practice have you never dealt with a miscarriage that you were that awkward to say that? I mean cmon anything but that! I know I can try again! I wanted THAT baby bc it was already in existence and I wanted to know them. smh

  70. KristenB says:

    oh not too mention as he was saying that I was already sobbing over the confirmation I did indeed miscarry.
    I just thank God I have my beautiful son and believe one day I will meet whoever that precious angel was.

  71. linda says:

    I heard all of these comments after our baby was stillborn at 35 weeks. This was many years ago – it’s sad that not much has changed. All I can say about it is that generally these people have no idea just how insensitive they are and that they mean well. I became a certified grief counselor several years ago to help other women and families with this experience – I have been an RN in labor and delivery for 20+ years. I STILL never tell anyone that I know how they feel. I am not them and have not experienced their life. I can certainly relate to many of their feelings but no one can KNOW how someone else feels no matter how hard we try. I have heard stupid comments after my daughter had cancer x 2 also – she had the “good” cancer – Hodgkin’s. There’s no such thing as a good cancer – it all SUCKS. Thankfully, she’s doing well 2 years after a bone marrow transplant. Those of us so affected though can help others in their grief because of our increased sensitivity to these issues. This has helped me cope with the loss of our daughter who would be 28 today.

  72. bunnytwenty says:

    It’s so sad that people are bringing their arrogant political and religious concerns into a forum that should be about allowing people to grieve. How tasteless. Nobody should tell anyone else how to feel about an ended pregnancy, whether it’s a miscarriage or an abortion – that’s the point of this article, and it’s a very good one. So sorry for everyone’s losses.

  73. Amber says:

    I just lost my baby at the hospital last night, I was 11weeks along. So far all of these things have been said to me. I don’t know what to think or how to feel, sorry for anyones loss. Its not easy, but they were too beautiful for this world I guess.

  74. Debi says:

    It was said to me, “Ah its probably best you lost it, coz there must have been something wrong, and you wouldnt wanna be stuck with a sick kid!” I was 16 weeks with my daughter, and she was a perfect angel!

  75. Dannielle says:

    I miscarried on February 27 and I have heard all of these except for those related to previous miscarriages or existing children. People say their sorry and move on with their lives, unless they’ve lived it they don’t get it. Telling me to try again is not going to replace the baby I loved and lost.

  76. SDL says:

    I have had 3 miscarriages, and would like to add another comment to the list: “It’ll turn out better next time.” As someone who struggled for 4 years to get pregnant, I knew there might not be a next time. Each time I got pregnant, I wondered if that would be my last chance. Hearing well-meaning strangers tell me it would happen soon, because their neighbour’s daughter’s best friend got pregnant right after HER miscarriage was not comforting. It served as a constant reminder that I wasn’t “normal”, and that my body did not do what it was “supposed to”. It also led to a lot of guilt over the fact that although I did everything I was supposed to, my body was guilty of being wrong. Thankfully, I have managed to have 2 sons (4 years and 2 years old, a little preterm, but healthy now!) so in the end, they may have been correct, but certainly not right. (I would also like to add that I am pro-choice, which does not mean pro-abortion. Pro-choice means supporting a woman’s choice to keep the baby, give it up for adoption or terminate the pregnancy safely. I chose to be pregnant, even if that meant potentially losing my baby. Other women may choose not to, and that carries it’s own set of feelings and loss. Grief and loss should not be judged.)

  77. tinyt says:

    Hey…DINGO….guess what….I had and still have issues from my miscarriage 11 years ago today. When I miscarried, my uterus ripped and I was bleeding out. It took YEARS to conceive my daughter (now age 6) and I have scar tissue….so YOU are the ignorant fool.

  78. KaseyM says:

    I agree very much with Kat’s post
    “The ones I find worst are the ones that say, “aren’t you over it yet?” because then as well as feeling the pain of the original hurt, you also feel guilty for being still unhappy, and thus making someone uncomfortable”
    I’ve had two miscarriages, both in March (2010 & 2012). A part of me died after the first, and I held onto the idea that a certain % of pregnancies end this way and my chances were high of having a normal pregnancy after, but I was re-devastated in a deeper way after this one. I was 6weeks with the first one. We had only been married for 6months and it was incredibly hard on us. My husband didn’t get it at all, and ‘encouraged’ me to get over it constantly. He even asked when we could have sex again (I had been too exhausted for 3 weeks to make love) the same day I had the ultrasound confirming there was no heartbeat. He is a good man – just clueless. I went off the deep end for awhile and even attempted suicide.
    This time I’m not only racked with grief, I also feel tremendous guilt for putting my husband through this again. He is an incredibly hard worker – 60+ hour weeks and when he gets home I know he can’t handle me constantly crying and needing him. Its the worst to be so sad, and guilty for being so sad all at the same time.

  79. J says:

    I’ve had two miscarriages. My husband and I tried for almost twelve months to conceive, and I was going to make an appointment with my OBGYN to see if there was anything wrong with either us. That’s when I found out I was pregnant the first time. I was thrilled. But my excitement was short lived. Within five days of learning that I was pregnant, I miscarried. I was 5 weeks. When I saw my dr. she said “well, at least we know you can get pregnant.” I was furious to say the least. I didn’t want another pregnancy, I wanted the one I lost. Then, four months later I found out I was pregnant again. I lost that baby at 6 weeks. After testing and lots of bloodwork I was told there was nothing wrong with me and to “keep trying.” Today was my due date for baby #2.

  80. Jessica says:

    I read the title “Miscarriage Survivor” and thought it a little odd, & I even smiled a bit at the comment about the Large Bowel Movement Survivor, but I am trying to think of another way to describe myself & I keep circling back to survivor.
    Miscarriage for me has changed me forever & the devastation it caused nearly took me out of this world, so yes I am a miscarriage survivor.
    Dingo, You can definitely die from a miscarriage, too much blood loss, infections, tubes bursting, suicide! And Dingo… usually when you arrive at work or a family gathering and you are all of sudden bawling your eyes out, they are not going to believe you just have a little something in your eye. When you go from on-top-of-the-world to queen of misery the people closest to you are going to want to know what is going on, even if they are about to say the worst thing possible.

  81. Misty says:

    Sounds to be like an awkward situation anyways such as what to say when you find out a friends family member passed, Its awkward and you never know what to say so your grasping for straws. a couple are inappropriate but as for the girl who said shes offended wen someone says im so sorry? wtf? and a few such as you can try again or at least you wernt farther along just sounds like someone trying to help you find some comfort, not being cruel. There not in your position so maybe you should put yourself in the outside partys shoes cus i know that i appriciated any comfort friends and family gave me during my time. I didnt pick at the words that they used i knew they ment well. Just my opinion,.

  82. Jackelyn says:

    Im 15; And towards the end of january, I miscarriaged at 5 months, it was so painful nd it still is when I think about him, ihad to deliver my baby he was 9 inches. Nd also knowing tht im going thru all this pain nd im not going to be bringing him with me.

  83. walking on tippy toes says:

    i just had a miscarriage yesterday. and not a soul on the planet knows about it except my man. you are all too sensitive, expecting people to see the world through your eyes. when they try to do just that you say “you don’t know!” angrily. people must obey your pain? your pain is none of their business. it’s always amazing how people funnel their frustration onto a seemingly related but essentially random distraction. what you all really don’t like is that anyone has anything to say on the subject at all. speaking on the subject will yield no favorable quotes because the subject itself is vile. admit that since you are exceedingly familiar with the subject you are unreasonably sensitive about it. privatizing your pain is key in avoiding irritating conversations. if that’s impossible, and you must explain your womb’s failure to excited relatives and friends, then consider an intermediary to do the talking on your behalf. the only reason not to take this advice is if you want to be the center of attention.

  84. Jeanie Fisk says:

    I have shared the following song with friends who are Christian, while giving them space and time to be angry at God for their loss. The male singer and his wife wrote this song in the aftermath of the death of their baby girl who lived only a few hours; his sister also lost a 7 month old son. The song is powerful.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A

  85. K says:

    I think it would be much more constructive to write an article that outlines helpful suggestions for what you COULD say. As someone who has not experienced a loss, but has well-meaningly stepped on the feelings of some who have, I’m always trying my best to communicate my love and concern for them. It’s a rough tap dance for all involved, and I wish my intention would have been seen for what it was instead of having my lack of understanding about something I haven’t experienced come between me and someone I love because I stumbled on what to say.

    Until I was pregnant myself for the first time, I had no idea at all how it might feel to lose a baby, and now that I’ve had my baby, I know I only have a small inkling still. I know it hurts, but perhaps you could see that even though someone might say something that stings, they are probably trying so hard to show that they care.

  86. Eve says:

    The one I heard over and over was “at least you know you can get pregnant!” I think the worse though when people didn’t even acknowledge it, when the expected due date came up I felt so alone.

  87. C says:

    Take it easy on your friends. I hope I never said any of these things, but if you’ve never been pregnant, it’s not easy to understand. Several years ago, a friend called me up to chew me out for not being supportive during her miscarriage. We’d been living in different cities our entire adult lives and had grown apart as high school friends often do. I don’t remember what I said to her, but I think I said that my sisters and mother all had miscarriages and went on to have healthy children. Maybe I said one of the things above. I really hope I didn’t, but we all have selective memories. The hardest thing is being punished several years later by my friend for saying something that hurt her. She acts out against me every time I come home for the holidays and it sucks. Tell your loved ones that what they said hurt you and then forgive. Also remember that some people that say these things may not be able to conceive or may not have a partner and may be grieving their inability to have children.

  88. Danielle says:

    I am 16 and had a miscarriage May 9th, 2012. I pray to my baby everynight. I was only 8 weeks, but my baby still has a part of me. I love my baby just as much as if he/she was in my arms. My precious baby is now in heaven partying with jesus until I meet him/her at heaven’s gate! I am still to this day devestated, but you know.. I still talk to him/her which makes me feel alot better about this. I have always wanted a baby since I was little, I grew up around kids. Yes, when I figured out I was shocked, but then I got over the shock and I was so excited. Then, the doctor told me I was going to have a miscarriage, luckily I got to bury my little one. I miss my precious little baby everynight.♥

  89. Debra says:

    My heart goes out to every single woman who has suffered a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant & heard my baby’s heartbeat @ 7 weeks. At our 10 week appt, we were told she stopped growing & passed away at 8 weeks old. I was and still am devastated my pregnancy didn’t continue; she wasn’t born; I never got to hold her in my arms and sing 2 her or see her smile or hear her laugh -every day, there is a reminder one way or another that I will never hold her until God calls me to Heaven. I named her Rose because she brought so much sweetness into my life & was here for a very short time. Her life totally changed mine & the way I live every day. Rose, I love you, I miss you & I pray for you without ceasing. God bless all women suffering such unexplainable loss-only the Father in Heaven will be able to guide us.

  90. Mary Alice Mortensen says:

    Dearest Granddaughter:
    I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. Been there, done that, and it HURTS! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND WILL KEEP YOU IN MY FAITH AND PRAYERS.
    LOVE,
    Gma M

  91. Kristin says:

    I miscarried twice both at three months along. During my first pregnancy my friend got pregnant at the same time. I definitely wanted my baby, but she wasn’t ready. She ended up having an abortion. When I miscarried the most hurtful thing I heard came from her. She said ” I’m sorry, I know how you feel.” Like really? That was like a stab in the heart because she had no idea. I wanted my baby.

  92. Cassie says:

    After all my miscarriages and my eventual 2 healthy babies…many years later….I discovered that I have a gene variant/defect in the MTHFR gene. It interferes with use of folic acid, so fetal defects like spinal bifida are more likely. it can be treated with a folate supplement.

    I figured this out when I heard that 2/3 of my female cousins have also had many miscarriages. And now we all take a folate supplement, FolaPro (L-5-MethylTetrahydrofolate) by Metagenics.

    It’s easy to remember this gene variant to ask your doctor about: MTHFR = motherf*cker. In addition to high miscarriage rates, it can cause life-long cardiovascular problems. Google it to learn more. Consider taking more folic acid in the meantime.

    There are two variants in the gene, and it can be present in 0, 1, or 2 ( both) copies of your MTHFR gene. One variant is more serious because you really can’t convert folic acid to folate; the other variant makes you much less effective at converting folic acid but taking more folic acid will help. I have a heterozygous version of the lesser variant, which means it isn’t a serious problem for me. Check google and Wikipedia and then talk to your doc about getting tested.

    All the pain that could have been prevented with a simple supplement…..

  93. Shakeeta W says:

    People really don’t think! It’s a little disease I like to call “mouth diarrhea”. How can you think that any of this would be okay to say to a mom who lost her child, no matter how far along she was?

  94. TFZ says:

    1) my mother, the day after the miscarriage: “Are you over it yet?” Why no, I’m still bleeding clots and passing blood. I just saw my baby on a piece of tissue paper. I’m crying uncontrollably, and a bit angry. Anything else you want to know?

    2) mom again, “It wasn’t a good time. Your insurance decided they wouldn’t cover it.” And I could sue the insurance, as I have a record saying they covered pregnancies from day 1 of coverage. Who are you to decide whether or not it’s a good time?

    3) mom, (referring to poor medical treatment I was mad about), “Well, you were only 6.5 weeks along. They couldn’t have done anything to prevent it anyhow.”

    4) friend, “You’re just sad because of the hormones.” Seriously? Then why did you cry when your father died? You didn’t have any hormones.

    5) friend, “At least it was early.” Yeah, I guess it would’ve been a lot more complicated, as I would need a Rhogam shot (not available in my country). But what about if it hadn’t happened???

    6) mom (again), “I’m sorry you’re so angry. Anger will turn you into a bitter person.” At 5 days after a miscarriage, I have a right to be angry. I lost my child.

    7) husband, “It wasn’t a baby yet.” Ok, so let’s clarify: it was my baby… apparently, you didn’t consider it to be yours. So I am mourning MY baby.

    8) friend, “At least you can get pregnant. I mean, you guys barely had to try.” Yeah, great… that sure makes things better.

    9) husband, “Think of all the people in Syria whose babies are dying now.” Yes, and they have a right to mourn… just like I do.

    10) husband, “You’re not acting normally. My aunt never cried after her miscarriage.” Good for her. I have a right to mourn.

    11) friend, “You can have more kids later.” Really? Can we? Who knows. Even if we can, it was my child… not an interchangeable part. Does anyone ever consider that losing your first child is horribly hard? Most people get a wonderful, exciting experience when they are pregnant. I will NEVER get that. Instead, I will spend each pregnancy stressed. This experience is ruined for me, as I have already lost my child. I will never get that wonderful experience that you got to take for granted.

    12) mom, “The baby probably had huge problems. It was for the better.” Why in the heck do people think this is a good idea?

    13) Friend, whose due date is at the exact same time as mine was, asks me to support her as she’s waiting for a phone call to hear whether or not she had a miscarriage. While I am genuinely hoping she has not, it’s the worst torture. I just lost my baby a week ago. While I cherish our friendship, doing this is like rubbing my face in the fact that I lost my baby, and other people get the happiness that I can’t have.

  95. Mandy says:

    I too had a blighted ovum 10 weeks in, Feb 5th, 2012. I called her (could have easily been a him) Rohana. There was nothing in the sac.

    The father said “It was just cells.” (After suggesting we try again, but later admitted he said it only to comfort me… and just after we found out at the hospital that it would come out soon, saying straight out that he hadn’t wanted more anyway and I should find someone who did). I had someone else tell me it was holding me back and I needed to get over it, only a couple of months later. I was almost 33 at the time, the clock was and still is ticking.

    The father left because he didn’t want anymore kids, but a few months later I met someone new (this is it, we both know we’re right for each other) and trying since July.

    I tell him (though at times I think I’m not so sure, I’m good at stuffing down feelings and ignoring them) that I’ve come to terms with this since it was a surprise and it actually was for the best in some ways, but bless my sweet partner, he said it really wasn’t entirely, and he’d have loved the child like his own. It certainly makes our bit of difficulty conceiving a bit harder, especially now that I’m about to turn 35, the age my Mom was having me (she had my big brother at 28). And I know others have it worse than me.

  96. Pinkie says:

    Dear Walking On Tippy Toes,
    Considering you have suffered the trauma of miscarriage yourself and therefore understand the pain, I am shocked at your lack of compassion and your judgemental attitude towards other should be mums. How can you possibly believe that requiring the support of your family and friends after a bereavement, is proof of “wanting to be the centre of attention”? If this is genuinely your opinion I have doubts as to whether you really did experience a miscarriage.
    When people experience loss, the death of a loved one, a friend, parent or other relative, family members come together to offer support to each other, they share the grief and help each other through the tragic circumstances that have befallen them. Why is the loss of miscarriage any different?
    Your comments are not at all helpful, infact they should be in the list of “things not to say after a miscarriage”. You are undermining the grief of every woman on here who has the right to the support of her friends, by suggesting she is an attention seeker if she tells anyone. It is this exact attitude that makes the subject of miscarriage so taboo and hinders our chances of gaining information and research on the subject.
    You should be ashamed of yourself.
    Maybe you don’t want the support of anybody but your partner and that is absolutely fine, but we are not all the same, and to suggest we should all react to this trauma in the exact same way as you did – and then to place judgement if we don’t, is diabolical.
    My husband and I have experienced years of infertility and been through IVF and ICSI in order to fall pregnant in the first place. I’m sure many women on here have been through the same emotional upheaval as us and this makes miscarriage even more devasting when it happens. I can only assume we must have all wanted our babies more than you did, because miscarriage is a heartbreaking and lonely experience and wanting the support of others during such a difficult time, is a perfectly reasonable response.

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