I was driving to work this morning crying. I try really hard not to get so self absorbed on this journey and to remember it could always be worse. But the bad days get me, and today as the tears fell, I thought: Holy sh*t, my life is tragic.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt that way about my life. And I do remind myself it could be worse. And I know it could be so, so, so much worse. But ya know what? This is pretty awful. And it’s the first time I’m realizing how tragic this whole journey has been. Sure, it’s been rough. It’s been a roller coaster. It’s been littered with loss and pain and disappointment. But it’s also pretty damn tragic.
My water broke at 17 weeks and I lost my twins. I try not to dwell on this loss. I try not to let it absolutely consume my life and the goodness that does exist. But, my God, I sometimes don’t know how I survive each day.
My last attempt at pregnancy was my 5th IVF cycle (2 fresh, 3 frozen). It was – yet again – unsuccessful. The doctors remind me that each cycle only carries a (roughly) 30% chance of success.
Today, as I wallowed in the sad realization of my tragic life, I dug really deep to gain perspective. On the grand scheme of things, I haven’t been trying that long. I know many women have tried for far longer than the year and a half I have, and who have experienced their own terrible losses and heartbreaks. I have a loving and supportive spouse who has been my rock through this all. My family – including my 94 year-old grandfather, my almost-90 grandmother (shh, don’t tell her I told you!), and my other mid-80s grandmother – are all cheering me on and hoping to welcome another great-grandchild soon. My friends are, like always, simply the best.
I’ve also gained some serious supporters among the readers at Babble. I can’t count how many women have reached out to me to share their own stories of struggle – and eventual success, of the women and men who have followed along from all corners of the world simply to wish us well on our journey and to keep us in their thoughts and prayers.
Words of encouragement come from all different people. And they are one of the biggest sources of strength for me. People have told me how my words have touched and/or affected their lives. But words from my readers have done the very same for me.
This journey is hard. It is harder than anyone first realizes. It changes you. And there are times when it feels like it will destroy you. There also comes a time when you have to make the decision whether to let it destroy you or not.
I won’t let this journey destroy me or my tragic and beautiful life.
People tell me I’m strong, but I’ve got a lot of people to thank for that strength. The comments shared in this post come from a mix of readers: complete strangers, childhood friends, other bloggers, and even from my college English professor. It’s to these comments that I turn when days are especially hard. And while these are only 20 of them (in no particular order), I hold each and every kind and supportive word sent my way close to my heart, and I gain strength from them all.
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