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3 Things Your Facebook Friends Don't Want To Know About Your Pregnancy

Pee your pants? Funny story. Leaky vagina? That's just gross.

I know, I know!  Totally a case of the pot calling the kettle black, right?

To clarify, I’m the pot.  The pot that doesn’t hesitate to share every disgusting detail about her pregnancy with friends, family and strangers.

Babble’s Erin Behan recently wrote about this subject here and her timing is impeccable.  Just today I received this message from a pregnant Facebook friend:

Ever since I’ve been working out, I”ve noticed I get “swass”–sweaty ass. I never had this problem before I had my first baby. Maybe it’s the weight I gained? Either way it’s terribly embarrassing when working out and sitting on equipment. I’ve also told a few of my close friends with kids, they too have a heightened amount of swass.

Here I am, enjoying my morning coffee and now I’m stuck with a mental image of this girl’s sweaty ass.  TMI?  Nah.  Not for me, anyway. Nothing is too much information for me.  I enjoy the company of folks who aren’t afraid to talk about the nitty gritty.  Okay, well, maybe if she wanted to talk about her mucous plugI might need a TMI timeout.  Just hearing the term mucous plug makes my knees tingle, but sweaty ass ain’t nothing. And it was a private message, not a status update.

Erin Behan has rounded up a list of ten Facebook sins not to commit if you want to avoid alienating your friends and playing the role of crazy pregnant lady.  You’ll have to click over for all ten, but I thought I’d share what I consider to be the top three offenses. Note, I am guilty of nearly all ten but not even I – the queen of TMI – have shared the following. Well okay, I actually did commit one of the following but I really, really regret it! Does that count?

Your vagina is leaking: No one cares about your leaky vagina.  Peeing your pants?  Funny story.  Leaky vagina?  That’s just gross. Save it for your doctor.  Your friends will thank you.

Nude-ish pregnancy portraits: Okay, I’ll totally admit I had Serge snap some photos of me in a tank top and shorts while pregnant with Violet.  And I was sprawled across a bed trying to look sexy and motherly at the same time.  Total idiot!  The worst part is that I did the heart thing on my belly with my hands.  You know that dorky pregnancy photo every pregnant first-timer does?  You know the one.  It’s been making internet rounds for ages.  And not only that!  I posted the pics on my blog.  I think Hand Heart Around Belly Button pics are waaaay more gross than a leaky vagina.  Listen, just keep your pregnant pics to yourself unless you’re making fun of how fat you are, like so.  Even though they lie to you and tell you you’re glowing and other nonsense, everyone, especially women, secretly enjoy watching you balloon to whale-like proportions, especially if you’re usually really skinny, so so don’t deprive them.

The future of your placenta: Seriously!  Just shut up!  No one wants to hear about your placenta.  Ever.

Hey! I like hearing about your pregnancy, I really do! Pregnancy is fascinating and if you’ve got a funny anecdote or a crazy craving, I’m all ears. Just keep your mucous plug and your placenta to yourself, is what I’m saying here.

What do you think? Are we on the same page or do you enjoy a good “I lost my mucous plug” story?  Also, my unnamed, pregnant, Facebook friend would probably appreciate your input on “swass” as well.

Image: flickr.com/mandaloo

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