I’m all geared up for Mother’s Day this year, determined to make certain it goes off without a hitch. And while I’d love to tell you exactly what I’ve got in store, I’m afraid that prudence won’t allow it. You know, in the offhand chance that Caroline’s reading this post. (And when I say offhand, I do, indeed, mean offhand!)
But suffice it to say that my gift will be one that involves the kids. It’ll also be an interactive one which, like wine, should get better with age. At least that’s what I hope. But even if it doesn’t blow her away, I’m positive it won’t crash and burn like these 5 would.
1. Gift certificate for a “plus sized” store: Hey, wanting your lady to look nice while she’s pregnant is a good thing, indeed. Just make sure that any gift certificate you get is to a maternity store and not a plus sized store, okay? In the former instance, you’re acknowledging she’s about to be a mommy. Yet in the latter, you’re essentially doing little more than calling her fat.
2. Navel ring: So, I dunno about you, but my wife’s belly button right now? Not attractive. Kinda looks like the Geico gecko trying unsuccessfully to press his face through a skin-colored balloon. So probably not the right time to bust out the ol’ navel ring. You know?
3. Six Flags: I know that it’s always fun to treat the family to a theme park, but now’s not the time to treat your wife to a locale chock-ful of rides her medical condition won’t allow her to enjoy. So that family outing to Six Flags? May wanna wait til Jr. turns three. Or four. Or is at least old enough to be taller than that line extending from the wooden bird’s wing at the front of the roller coaster line.
4. Bikini, nighty, or any type of negligee: Look fellas, I’m sure that any such gift would be well intended. After all, a lot of you guys are married to women in the third trimester. And many of us haven’t exactly enjoyed the same level of intimacy as we did in the not-so-distant past. Face it. That train probably left the station at week 18. Or 20 tops. But trying to jumpstart it in hopes of once again seeing your lady’s caboose before it’s time? All that’ll do is make her engine steam. And not in a good way.
Okay. Done with the train metaphor now.
5. Romantic sushi dinner: Romantic dinner? Sure. Romantic sushi dinner? I smell a rookie.
Or is that just a California roll gone bad?