There is apparently a whole segment of the garment industry that wants to help you regain your shape after pregnancy. I’ve been seeing all kinds of post-partum supporters, shapers and sucker-inners that promise to whittle your waist and smooth out your hips and belly.
Uh-huh. If stuff like that worked, Oprah would be giving it away on her Favorite Things show. (Does she still do that on her new channel? Hmmm.) The fact that these are only ever in the bottom row of pictures on maternity and nursing-wear webpages is a dead giveaway that it’s a bunch of Lycra-laced hooey.
I collected a few of the weirder shapers on the market because they’re worth a few giggles. I also included five things that new moms can actually wear!
Blast ‘em! 1 of 10This charming garment is meant to suck in your gut and open quickly to release the girls on demand. I don't trust any article of clothing that says it will make me skinny because, um, they don't. And calling something "Nurse 'n' Blast" conjures unfortunate images.
Suck It In 2 of 10This corset-looking device claims to be especially helpful after a c-section but I can't imagine that constricting my incision site in elastic will feel good. Especially with my July due date. No thanks.
Hike ‘Em On Up There 3 of 10I am totally pro-granny-panty for immediately after birth. But once the full-belly-panel pants get put away, I don't want pants that come up to my boobs. These sucker-inner undies are a bit much.
What The… 4 of 10I don't even know what's going on here. All I can say for certain is that it would be hard to pee in this.
Shrink ‘Em! 5 of 10HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! Oh, goodness, that's hilarious. Shrink your hips. Oh my.
Toys R Us
Look Like Jeans, Feel Like… 6 of 10Do not let your gay guy friends tell you these are a fashion disaster. They've never had a baby so they don't know! Stretch, comfy pants are perfect post-partum and these are cooler (and funnier) than sweats.
DVF, Eat Your Heart Out! 7 of 10Wrap dresses are comfortable, stylish, flattering and provide easy access for the nursing or pumping mom.
Not Sexy But Who Cares? 8 of 10These are the exact opposite of the sexy thongs you used to wear. But buy a dozen of them. They ride high enough not to irritate a c-section incision, they accommodate a pad well, and you won't mind tossing them when you don't need them any more.
Hands Free! 9 of 10I know this looks like some weird S&M garment but trust me. If you're gong to use an electric pump at all, this turns the experience from dead time to an opportunity to read a magazine or scroll through Facebook.
Hides Stains. 10 of 10You're thinking the nursing tank is a no-brainer but it's the color that matters. Why? Simple. Heathered grey masks spit-up stains. â€˜Nuff said.