7 Things I’ve Gotten Tired of Hearing After a Year of Trying to Conceive
When I started writing on Babble Pregnancy over a year ago, I was deep in baby fever mode and wanted to add to our family. I wrote a lot about getting my husband on board with another child, preparing to get pregnant, and everything in between.
Just over a year ago, we decided it was finally time for us to expand the family. We had all the personal before-we-get-pregnant-again check lists done and we were in a great space (in all areas) to add another human to our crazy mix.
It’s been a year since then and we’re now struggling with something new — infertility. I’ve had my fair share of difficult pregnancies and our own obstacles to get through, but this is a new one for us. I think we’re doing a great job at staying positive while still healthfully expressing any upset over the fact that this is harder than we had anticipated.
I’ve taken this conversation to real life and online, sharing my feelings, both good and bad, and discussing the whole gamut of what it’s like to battle infertility. I’ve gained so much incredible support from so many people. I’ve heard stories of success, obstacles, and triumphs from others that have brought me so much strength.
While talking about infertility has overall been a positive experience, there are a handful of comments I’ve heard from well-meaning people that I am SO over. Have a look at the 7 things I’m tired of hearing after a year of trying to conceive:
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Maybe If You Just ....
Ah the unsolicited advice! People love to give it and usually it's so generic like "just relax" and it never helps anyone. I know there are stories of how some couples "just stopped trying" and it happened, but that's not for everyone. The advice that sounds like I'm doing something wrong don't go over well with me.
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Why Do You Keep Trying?
I want another child and it's this deep pull for it. I have grown tired of people wondering why I am "still trying" after so many losses, issues in the way and because I have kids already and "should be grateful".
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Are You Pregnant Yet?
I've had some people ask me because they know we've been trying for some time. They ask like it's the most simple thing in the world with a tone that we just don't know what we're doing. Trust me, we do. When we are, you'll know.
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You Already Have Three Kids
There are some people who have expressed their confusion with me for trying to conceive when I "already have" three kids. All I can say to that is the heart wants what the heart wants and it's best for someone to leave their strange judgments on family size to themselves.
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Are You Depressed?
You know, I haven't been asked this a lot, but a few times over the year. It all seems to be related to when I write about my feelings here on Babble or my personal blog. There seems to be a stigma over talking about infertility and apparently you can't discuss how you're down about it without being told you're depressed. I'm not, I assure you, but I do healthily allow myself to feel what ever I am feeling -- sad, happy, angry or whatever.
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You Want More Kids?
People seem surprised that someone would want more than 1 or 2 kids and are quite confused when a family plans to add to their family.
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You Didn't Ovulate / You're Not Pregnant
Things are getting better which is totally awesome and I am holding on to that. However, it's been a year of negative tests and blood tests that show I wasn't ovulating, it' gets tiring after a while.
Photo credit: photostock.
Photo credit: adapted from iStockphoto
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I really don’t get people sometimes! I have enjoyed reading about your journey here on Babble, and I will admit, after having read some of your posts, to asking myself some of the questions you say people have voiced to you above. However I would never ask you those questions because A. you are basically a stranger to me B. its none of my business C. its rude. I’ll admit to being guilty of asking insensitive questions to family or friends in the past, though having one kid and one on the way as well as my obsession with Mom blogs has cured me of that (at least on an intentional basis, I still slip up sometimes).
You are doing what is right for you and your family and best of luck to you! I can’t wait to see the “I’m Pregnant!” post – I have faith it will be coming sooner or later
)
Gosh, I know exactly where you’re coming from…I have a 7 year old son and have desperately wanted another child for the last 5 years. After suffering a miscarriage 4 years ago, and undergoing IVF last year, nothing.
What I am SO sick of everyone asking – work colleagues, friends and strangers – is when are you having another child. And I never know how to respond – do I tell them how desperately I want another child, how heartbroken I was after my miscarriage, that I’m green with envy every time I see a pregnant woman? I just tend to brush it off with a laugh and say ‘No, I think I’m too old’ while inside I hurt.
As for wanting more kids, if you feel your family isn’t complete, however many children you have, then that’s your business, no-one else’s to judge. I know that I get judged for having only one child – I guess we can’t win!
I wish you the very best of luck, I hope that your wished for baby is not far away
I totally agree with you about everything. We have been trying for over a year to conceive our first and every negative test I get kills a little part of me. It hurts seeing my friends getting pregnant but also being so happy for them at the same time. I needed to vent to someone who understands and won’t offer the same advice over and over again of when you stop worrying about it, you’ll get pregnant. I don’t want advice I want it to be okay to cry and be upset and jealous.