7 Things We're Not Doing at our Son's Delivery

I know the title sounds inherently negative, but lately I’m finding that I have a much easier time deciding on what I don’t want than what I do want. I definitely don’t want any food that is even remotely healthy. I don’t want these stupid contractions to plague my every day. I don’t want my hips to hurt. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to do anything that involves not sitting in bed or on the couch. I don’t want you to call me lazy. Even in your head.

But what I do want? Uh, I don’t know. Something delicious. Something comfortable. Something convenient. I cannot offer any specifics. We’ll discuss how this has impacted my birth plan later this week. Safe to say, it’s pretty short at this point. I want a healthy baby, there! A positive one!

Anyways, through many discussions with my husband and other pregnant women and mothers, I’ve come up with some things that I won’t be doing on delivery day. Some of them are for legitimate reasons, others are because I’m kind of weird. And at peace with it.

These are my top 7 things I’m not doing at my son’s delivery.

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  • Breast Crawl 1 of 7
    Breast Crawl
    This whole thing is kind of new to me, but my husband recently informed me that it's a new trend that his hospital (where I will be delivering) is offering to mothers. Basically, the baby is placed on the mother's belly immediately after birth and is then given time to crawl to the mother's breast to breastfeed. This can take minutes, or it can take hours. And it's just not for me. Call me crazy, but I feel like my son shouldn't have to work for his first meal. There will be plenty of time for that later.
    Photo by Scott via Wikimedia Commons
  • An epidural 2 of 7
    An epidural
    I file this one under hopefully. Please don't misunderstand me, I am totally pro-pain relief, in fact, I pine after an epidural. However, my medical history makes an epidural (or spinal anesthesia) unsafe for me and my brain. So I'll be going drug free, somewhat begrudgingly. Any reminders that women have done this for centuries and have survived is most appreciated.
    Photo by RaveDave via Wikimedia Commons
  • Eat or handle my placenta 3 of 7
    Eat or handle my placenta
    Look, to each their own, but I personally find the ingestion of placenta unappealing, and I balk at the idea that it has health benefits. In a perfect world, I will never even have to see my placenta, let alone consume it. This goes for all my other organs too.
    Photo from MomLogic
  • Let my MIL in the room 4 of 7
    Let my MIL in the room
    A few months ago my husband was making jokes about labor and delivery and my mother-in-law, in all seriousness, suggested that maybe I should make him wait in the waiting room and that if I wanted, she would be my labor coach. I need you to understand how much work it took to not spit out that mouthful of food. It was probably one of my greatest life accomplishments to date. The fact that she was forcibly removed (by security) from my sister-in-law's delivery room is enough reason for me to say no thanks to her offer. Is it wrong to wait to call her until after the baby is born?
    Photo via Wikimedia Commons
  • Give birth in a bathtub 5 of 7
    Give birth in a bathtub
    I know this is very popular and I don't have any beef (or judgment) about it, but again, it's just not for me. Mostly because I know that after the baby is born, I'd have a scary realization that I was sitting in a bathtub of my own blood. I love baths, but this might ruin them for me for forever.
    Photo from Wikimedia Commons
  • Use a mirror 6 of 7
    Use a mirror
    I had zero desire to look at my lady bits before I got pregnant and I have zero desire to see them stretch out to unimaginable sizes to accommodate a baby head. I think I'm better off just imagining this one.
    Photo from MorgueFile
  • Touch the baby’s head 7 of 7
    Touch the baby's head
    I mean, of course once the baby is out I will kiss and snuggle his little head to pieces. But before it is fully out of me? No thanks. I'll wait a few more minutes/pushes and touch the whole baby.
    Photo by NoJhan via Wikimedia Commons

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