8 Baby Products That Make Me LaughJohn Cave Osborne
We’re getting closer. Just eight weeks, in fact, until Grand Finale Osborne draws his first breath, and thus officially begins his reign of planet Earth. And it’s to the point now where the mere sight of a baby sends my mind into overdrive, both wondering what Grand Finale will be like, as well as reflecting back to the last time I got to meet my baby.
But today I realized that I’m not only excited to meet Grand Finale. I’m also excited that my world will soon be littered with baby products. Because, quite frankly, some of them make me laugh. In honor of the 8 weeks remaining in Caroline’s pregnancy, here are 8 products which always make me giggle.
1. Socks: Wait, are socks a product? Probably not, but I don’t care. Because baby socks KILL me. And any dad who would never admit such a thing out of fear that he’d come off as soft? Well, he’s probably just worried about getting his man card taken away. But I have no such worries because, well, I’ve been writing for Babble for so long that I think I’m actually starting to lactate.
But even if I were worried about losing my man card, I’d still goo and gah over baby socks. Because they’re adorable. Just like babies. And I can’t wait to cover up Grand Finale’s tiny feet with a comfy pair.
2. Boudreaux’s Butt Paste: When I first saw Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, I was so certain it was a joke that I asked my wife what it was. It’s butt paste, honey, she answered. You know…a paste for the babies’ butts? Ah, indeed, it was. If only every baby product were so effective and self-descriptive.
3. Plastic Squeezy-Ball Deal With the Needle Nose That Plucks Baby Boogers: I’m not sure which is funnier, the looks of such an apparatus or the fact that I have no idea what they’re called. (Does anyone?) Hmm. Or maybe it’s funnier, still, that I’ve never, ever used one. Nor has Caroline. Yet we possess a plastic squeezy-ball deal with the needle nose that plucks baby boogers, alright. And it’ll be in the pack ‘n play. So it made the list.
4. Bouncy Seat: I love me some bouncy seats. And the product doesn’t actually make me laugh, but the look on each of the triplets’ faces sure did when they first started bungee-ing about in them. Of course, I’ll have to wait for a bit to see such a look on Grand Finale’s face because it’s not like he’ll be using it right away.
Wait! I’m getting the bouncy seat confused with the Johnny Jump-Up. And can you blame me? After all, the Johnny Jump-Up is more of a bouncy seat than the bouncy seat is, which is kinda funny. Sorta.
5. Burp Cloths: The only thing funny about burp cloths is the fact that we claim to be “burping” our babies when we employ them. Because we’re not “burping” our babies, folks. We’re making them puke up teeny, tiny mouthfuls of liquid vomit. So, to me, burp cloth is a bit of a euphemism if not a flat-out misnomer. But I suppose it beats the heck out of hurl hanky.
Or ralph rag.
6. Swaddling Blankets: Wait, are swaddling blankets controversial? Because I had my fair share of controversy yesterday when I posted about the 5 types of pregnant women. (Quick shout out to Clark Kent’s Lunchbox. I agree with your comment, bro. If Tina Fey had written that post, everyone would have fawned over the funny woman and showered her with accolades. Me? All this “arrogant man” got were a few cyber tomatoes thrown his way.) Regardless of whether or not swaddling is controversial (is it?), I think swaddling blankets are about the cutest things in the world. They made me grin from ear to ear each and every time I bundled up one of my darlings.
7. Hats: See socks and swaddling blankets. Same deal. If it keeps my kiddo cozy, it makes me smile. I love tiny hats.
8. Wipe Warmers: You know, we have a little saying in my house that goes like this:
Nothing says I love you like a nice warm wipe via the friendly folks at Prince Lionheart.
Okay, that’s not true. We don’t have such a saying because, well, we don’t even think that. Plus, we don’t even use our wipe warmer, but we also don’t wanna piss off that crazy-ass aunt who gave it to us. So we keep it out as if we use it.
And that makes me laugh. Well, that and the fact that there even exists such a thing as a wipe warmer to begin with.
What baby products make you laugh?
Visit John’s personal blog.