It’s been 16 days since my last doctor’s appointment. Under typical circumstances, that wouldn’t be considered a long time. But when you’re trying to conceive and need the doctor’s help in doing so, 16 days feel like a lifetime.
I’ve been keeping myself busy with other things, but I find myself missing the fertility center and my doctor. Mostly, I miss not being directly active in our fertility journey. Sure, this waiting is part of it. But it makes me feel useless.
When we were told that we wouldn’t be getting pregnant this month and that we had to wait, my heart sank. I began this journey full throttle and was hoping to have a seamless and smooth go of it. Not that I’m whining too terribly; I know that women struggle with infertility for years, and I certainly don’t mean to be insensitive to that by complaining about my one-month delay. But part of me worries: What if this is the first of many delays? What if other complications or unforeseen issues arise?
I know worrying won’t help the situation any. In fact, worrying is likely to adversely affect the whole process. So I do try to just keep pushing forward and stay positive.
Couples who are trying to get pregnant “the good old-fashioned way” have a very different story to tell about their attempts. But for women planning an IVF pregnancy, going to the fertility center at least once a week for ultrasounds and “progress reports” and eventually, (God willing) a successful implantation is all we’ve got. So when that stops, when there are no appointments for the month, the standstill feels like something to be mourned.
I find myself missing the 20 minute drive to the fertility center, passing by the Christian school at which my mother-in-law works, wondering if she’ll ever come around and meet her grandchild when he or she finds their way into the world. I miss the time with my wife during those appointments what little midday treats they are. I miss the friendly girls behind the desk, always greeting us with smiles. And I miss the lobby of mothers with their babies, the laughs and happiness.
And I miss the doctor. I miss seeing my ovaries on the ultrasound monitor, even if they are overactive and the reason we have to wait another month.
People keep telling me to be patient and trust that it will happen in its time. And I know this is true. I really do. But separating the logical mind from the emotional heart is easy in theory, difficult in practice.
Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right