It’s been 7 and 1/2 weeks since my water broke at 17-weeks pregnant and I lost my twins. Truth be told, it feels a lot longer than that. In fact, it feels like a lifetime ago.
It hasn’t been easy. But I have to admit, it hasn’t been as bad as I first thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong. The loss of my twins was the single worst experience of my life. But I think back on those days in the hospital, and I recall the utter despair in my heart and the immensely heavy feeling that I’d never be able to do a single thing required of my regular life again.
Yet, the pieces fell back into place rather swiftly. I remember finding solace during those first days after my miscarriage in a quote I had long loved. “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”
These words never rang truer than after my 2nd-trimester pregnancy loss. Christmas Day I awoke to swollen and engorged breasts full of milk, with no babies to feed. Yet it was still Christmas in the world. I returned to work two weeks later, no longer with babies in my belly and still bleeding from the loss. Yet it was still the same office. I attended my dear friend’s baby shower four weeks later; we had previously spoken of taking a pregnancy picture of the both of us at the shower, but there I was, pregnant-less. Yet it was still a joyous celebration, and I genuinely had a good time.
It seems everything just goes on.
But while I was able to hold my head and carry on in the real world, I sometimes crumbled inside and at home. When I couldn’t bare to be strong any longer, I sobbed in my wife’s arms. And when I wasn’t able to snap or be short fused at work or elsewhere, my wife caught the brunt of my pissy moods, my short temper, and my withdrawing.
Yet Sara has remained a rock. My rock. She’s held my hand and picked me up when I’ve needed it most. And she let me lay and cry when I needed that the most too. She’s talked me through my doubts and my fears about trying again. And she’s even said she would carry if I could not, or if I did not want to.
I’ve never been one for any of the holidays. I can’t stand Halloween. Christmas has become obnoxiously commercial. New Year’s Eve is a mess. And Valentine’s Day, well, it’s always been a cheesy holiday in my book. Who needs a special holiday to remind them how to love their significant other? Aren’t we all supposed to do that on a daily basis?
But this Valentine’s Day, I feel a little bit differently. If my loss has taught me anything, it is truly how precious and fragile life is. And that we’d all be fools to waste a single moment not loving as big and as best as we can. So Sara and I plan to celebrate this Valentine’s Day — and each other — as big and as greatly as possible.
Thanks to the kindness of some very special people in our lives, Sara and I will be going on a Valentine’s getaway to Mohonk Mountain House, one of our favorite places. There, we’ll enjoy a full day at the spa, including a couple’s massage, swimming, hiking, ice skating, cross country skiing, dining — and knowing that, while there will always be a whole in each of our hearts, we still have so much love in our lives.
Check out some pics of where we’re heading! OMG, right?
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Read more of Aela’s writing at Two Moms Make A Right.