July 16th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Today on Babble:
By Amina Sharma
They say they’re excited. So where are they?
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Suck It In, Girls!
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I could have written this post. I have four children: 18, 17, 8, and 2. My mom has never been to a single birthday party, never been to my home and never showed any interest in any of my children. She has 9 grandchildren and its the same with all of them, although she does favor my brothers son somewhat. It’s so very painful. My 8 year old was watching a show on tv the other day where a little girl was out shopping with her grandmother and she said to me “I wish I had a grandmother like that.” I just said “I wish you did too, but we have to accept that our family is unique and we can’t compare to other families.”
I’m sorry that you have to experience this too. What hurts the most is that my mom will fly across the world to be with her boyfriend in England, but she won’t take the 2 hour drive to see us. I am a single mom and have to load all my kids up and do the four hour round trip. She doesn’t even work. This has hurt me so much for so long.
My advice to you is to accept it the way it is now and don’t expect her to change as your child gets older, because she probably won’t. My mom is 56 and perfectly he healthy. She just chooses not to be a part of our lives unless we come to her. My dad has already passed, but sometimes I wonder if he were still here would it make a difference. I’ve considered moving further away, so that in my mind, the distance would be an issue. I wouldn’t be able to visit her. I see from your post that you did just that. Does it help your feelings about it at all?
I know one thing; I will not be that grandmother. I love my children too much. I can’t imagine not loving their children and wanting to be in their lives. I would also want to take my grand babies just to give my children a break sometimes and my children would not have to worry one bit that their children were in good hands. My best childhood memories are of being with my grandparents. Mt heart completely aches for my children because they don’t have that.
As a grandparent of five now, I grew up the oldest of three children (and the only girl) of two very immature and self absorbed parents. I was left alone from age 2 while my mother ran errands leaving me with her invalid mother who could not move or speak, was punished for things I didn’t do, suffering much abuse and neglect. I had my own two kids in my mid-twenties, after marrying at age 19, happy to be leaving the chaotic home in which I (grew up?)/was placed biologically. I think (and was told) I was a very good mother to my OWN kids when they were little. I hated being away from them and managed to make ends meet on my husband’s salary so we didn’t have to rely on someone else to care for them. I ran a part-time crafts business from home which is the only thing I did that was not centered completely around my little family. My mother and stepdad were in my kids’ life for holidays, birthdays but I could see my mother’s lack of respect for children from time to time, reminders of why I suffered as a child. Both of my children finished college, established careers and married much later in life (early 30s) and now have children of their own who I love dearly but somehow feel that I am never doing enough or the right things for my grandkids (and kids). I still love doing my crafts and home remodel projects and try to see them as often as I can but it’s not often… as I am currently living across the country from them. Before I had to move almost 3,000 miles away to finish a home that was inherited by my husband, I would drive or fly 1,000 miles to see them three times a year. I would love to live closer so I could share my love of crafts with my grandkids and be a part of their life that I’m not getting to do right now.
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