10 days after our twin boys passed away in my arms, we looked at agencies, picked one, asked questions, and sent off our application with the fee. I think a lot of people were fairly shocked, even though it had been brought up by us several times the past few years.
Honestly, it was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. It was the thought and hope Sam and I have clung to these past weeks as we try to deal with losing a life we will never have. Because pregnancy was so hard on me both with my daughter and the twins, it might be that we won’t do this again for a very long time, if ever. That thought in itself is it’s own grieving process.
Adoption, not the child but the process, became the light in the grief that we could turn to for hope. While many of the women who have gone through this decide to move forward with another pregnancy, our decision was based on wanting to still expand our family and not knowing if I physically could anymore. And so we chose a different way.
There are times when I cling to the thought of flying to Korea and rounding a corner of a home to see our little one waiting for us. The joy and the pain and the struggle and the wait all wrapped up in that moment as they are placed in our arms – this thought makes the hard moments a little easier to bear.
The other day I was on the phone making my 6 week postpartum appointment, when the nurse asked what the birthday was. I started to cry and told her I was sorry, but they didn’t make it. She felt awful, and as she put me on hold to schedule, I remember looking down to see the home study paperwork waiting for us, and it was such an odd moment of grief and comfort. I knew that I could focus on that after I was done with the phone call until I could handle processing it again.
It doesn’t eliminate the grief process we have to go through. I still cry, get angry, feel numb, all of those. Our grief counselor says this is normal, in the middle of grief life moves on and there are joyful moments. The hope that adoption brings us; that we will see our little girl have a sibling, that we have a child waiting for us in Korea who will be such an important part of our family, that we will remember our sons through this – these things bring me joy.
Our child won’t replace or sons or be made to fill in their gap. They will have their own special place in our lives, totally separate and unique to us. Their journey to our home will be part of our story forever.
But until they are here, the process of this all is what helps us to heal. To see a new life we can build. We will work with our agency tomorrow on loans and grants for our trip and fees, then head to the boys memorial service.
It’s part of the painful process to heal, and we are finding comfort in knowing there lies a great happiness ahead.
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and their families’ Korean adoption in progress on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances.
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