I have been writing on Babble’s pregnancy channel for almost 2 years now. When I first started sharing my story, I was infected with baby fever — a real desire to add another child to our family. My husband wasn’t there yet and many of you followed my story as we worked through our list of hesitations before we continued. There was a lot of talking and waiting and understanding on both of our sides.
When we were both on the same page about 6 months later, you all shared my excitement as I actively started trying to conceive. You’ve all heard my story of 12 miscarriages and the circumstances that come into play with my history. As the months went on, and conception hadn’t happened, you all virtually held my hand as I was diagnosed with infertility. I shared the pain and anger I had towards my body, the stresses infertility can have on a marriage, on friendships, and within one’s own self.
You shared with me what worked to get you through to the other side. You empathized when I complained about the side effects of Clomid; the months of headaches, mood swings, waiting, and anger. On our 14th month of trying to conceive and our 6th month of fertility treatments, to be honest with you, I was near ready to give up. Because of this, I have been a little silent — I thought for sure the month was done and my husband and I talked a lot.
I needed a break. We had decided that if we weren’t pregnant that 14th cycle, we would take a 3 month break. I was convinced the cycle was a bust and I was preparing myself for 3 months off. I needed a break from the constant temperature taking, looking for signs, over-analyzing what I was doing or not doing, because it was affecting my fertility and I needed a break from the 150mg dose of Clomid.
I was okay with this decision. My husband and I were both on board. My chart didn’t look favorable for pregnancy and after 14 months of getting my hopes up with the rise of my basal body temperatures only to see it fall, I was not willing to do that to myself again — to keep up hope — when the temperatures slowly fell.
I had taken a pregnancy test at 14 days past ovulation, as I had the months previous. I wasn’t late, but I was sure that the test would tell me, at that point, if I was pregnant.
It was negative. Again. I wasn’t surprised.
I convinced myself that I was honestly okay with transitioning into the break period. I now just not-so-patiently waited for my period. I had gotten used to it with infertility — all that waiting.
On 18 days past ovulation, my period had not yet shown up. I was used to it being a strangely long period to wait, but I had one last pregnancy test, so I took it.
I assure you, I couldn’t believe it myself. I had convinced myself, over those hard 14 months that I would not ever see a positive test again. Yet, there it was. That test meant so much to me, but as you know with my history, a new fight was beginning — holding on to the pregnancy.
I am pregnant! I am just over 8 weeks pregnant now and last week, we saw the gorgeous heartbeat of our healthy and growing baby.
I know so many of you who are following my story here have been touched by infertility and I know how much a pregnancy announcement hurts. I can’t begin to explain how much your support has meant to me as I fought, especially as many of you still are trying. I know that I told a few of you in private before going public with the announcement and if I forgot to warn you first, I am so sorry. I am still here holding strong with you as you have all done for me and my fingers are so tightly crossed that you too will get that magical positive test.
On to the next journey!
Photo credit: © Devan McGuinness; use only with permission
For more stories like Devan’s on getting pregnant, check out Babble’s latest eBook: Parenting Uncensored: Straight Talk from Real Moms and Dads on Getting Pregnant. And make sure to tune into CNN’s Headline News on Friday, May 17th, 12pm EST for a special segment on fertility featuring Babble blogger Mara Kofoed.
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